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My stepmum has early stages of Alzheimer's, my Dad is already struggling. So far she's getting confused with dates & forgetfulness, she's given up driving & can't go to the supermarket alone due to leaving her bag or trying to walk out of the store with items. He keeps asking me for support and I try and listen and I've trawled the internet for helpful things, I try keeping things positive, but it's not good enough for him. I've got 2 jobs and a young son and I'm also suffering with anxiety & depression.


Me & my Dad do not have a good relationship in the first place. He's been a bully throughout my whole life and very emotionally abusive. I'm really struggling with my own life and really can't cope with this as well, I feel I'm going to crumble if he keeps putting all this on me & I also feel so guilty that I'm being utterly useless. I'm finding it hard as I don't even like my Dad due to things from the past, I'm sure I love him deep down, but I really feel I can't give him support or sympathy due to our bad relationship. He was really nasty to me yesterday, he text me drunk saying he needed support, I was in the middle of putting my son to bed, so I text him as soon as I saw it and I was really struggling to know what to say. So just put that I didn't know what to say and that it must be hard for him. I told him that I thought he needed to speak to his doctor to get some more help, or go to the support group I found him so that he can speak with other carers who are living this and to also try and get in with his counselor. I said he needed to get help from professionals who know what they are doing.


He responded by saying I don't need your platitude I need support. So I said I was sorry and asked him what I could do to help. He just started being nasty and repeating he needs support. I really am at a loss as to what to do. I have barely any spare time and my own mental health is deteriorating, he also lives a long way away, so it's not just so easy to call in. I have trawled the internet again for ideas of how to support him, but a lot of ideas involve helping them with cleaning etc, he has a cleaner and I don't have the time or energy. I wondered about offering to do his shopping for him online and getting it delivered to his house each week. It's not much, but surely it's a help. I feel like the worst person in the world and don't know what to do, any suggestions? If he keeps up putting pressure on me and being nasty I feel like I'm going to have to cut ties with him, but he's my Dad. Help!

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Hello, you're in the UK are you? Whereabouts?

Number 1 - relax. You have come to a good place, where the lovely (mainly American, though from all over the world) forum members are a breath of fresh air and the voices of reason.

There will be help for your stepmother and your father, in that order, and we will help you find what direction to point them in. You say your stepmother is in the early stages - has she actually been through the Memory Clinic referral process, do you know?
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Dad is under a lot of pressure and stress and he is trying to put it off on you. Whether or not you allow him to is up to you, but you will undoubtedly regret it if you take on this task. Under the “best” of circumstances, caring for someone with dementia is difficult. And, you don’t have the best of circumstances. Dad is already showing hostility toward you, he is trying to force and guilt you into caring for your stepmother. Again, if whether or not you allow him to is up to you.

Kindly but firmly explain to your father that you are not able to become a caregiver for your stepmother. Your busy life and your own health issues do not allow it. But, tell him that you will be happy to help him find professional help such as in-home aides or even help find placement in a facility if he would wish. You will need to be very strong to do this. You are an adult. While you can assist your father as mentioned above, you do not have to dedicate what could be decades of your life caring for your stepmother. Find the resolve to stand up for yourself and to Dad.
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jakeypegs May 2019
Thank you so much for your advice Ahmijoy, it really makes sense when you put it like that. I really appreciate your advice and will certainly be taking it on board.
Thanks again :-)
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Hi, yes I'm in the UK, Yorkshire.

Yes she's been through the memory clinic, she's also had PET & CAT scans. The memory clinic said she was fine but the final scan came back that she has Alzheimer's passed on from her mother. She was diagnosed about 2 months ago. Although the signs were there, we just didn't realise. She booked a holiday and forgot about it, the only way they found out was the taxi was at the hotel waiting for them, but neither my Dad or Stepmum knew anything about it! She's been leaving her bag or card at stores, leaving keys in the car, not locking doors. But my Dad is getting increasingly frustrated due to the fact she's getting days wrong and confused with dates. For example he gave her the responsibility of booking the car parking at the airport for their holiday, even though she's been getting confused and of course she got the dates wrong! He was shouting and losing his temper at her abd I felt so sorry for. I don't know what he's playing at giving her things like that to do, he's setting her up to fail. So I told him he would have to take on such responsibilities in future. But then he rang me the other day saying it had been a terrible week, I asked why, he said he'd taken her to a coffee morning on Saturday that she wanted to go to, but it wasn't there as she'd got the wrong day, same day he took her to her nail appointment only to find out it had been the previous week. Then he had ironed his suit for the Christening that was supposed to be on Sunday morning only to find out it is in 3 weeks time. I said to him he would have to start taking charge of appointments and dates etc. All the time he was telling me this I could hear my Stepmum in the background, so she could clearly hear him talking about her. He was also complaining about the fact he's now doing most of the cooking supervised by my Stepmum ( she used to do everything, cooking, cleaning, washing, my Dad has always been pretty lazy!). So I said it must be hard, but try and make it into something nice that you can both do together and maybe she can teach you some of her cooking skills. Because I wasn't giving me sympathy he couldn't get me off the phone quick enough. He keeps saying everyone is always asking about how she is but what about me. He's making me really angry as my whole life he's always been very selfish and everything is always about him and he's even making this all about him. He shouts at my Stepmum all the time and he even says things in front of her belittling her. For example she was setting the table, I said are you having someone round for dinner, my Dad said yes 2 people but she insists on doing stupid things like setting it for 8. He was on the phone telling the holiday car park people that she's always messing up dates. Surely it can't do her any good to be hearing him always putting her down. I feel so sorry for her and cross at him, she must feel like she's useless and can't do anything right. I can't stand visiting any more as the last time I went he was shouting and swearing at her for messing up with the car park thing. I dread him ringing me or having to see him, he is so angry, he always was throughout my childhood. Sorry for going on, but I just need to get it out. You are very kind if you took the time to read this, thank you.
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I feel so sorry for both of them! And for you too, but in your case you're safe now - :) - because we won't let you do anything fat-headed or suicidal like volunteer to get too close to the situation.

The learning curve for carers whose loved one is in the earliest stages of dementia is incredibly steep and can feel to the carer as though it's the carer who's being driven mad. But just as in the olden days they used to slap hysterical ladies to snap them out of it, you can be frank to the point of brutal with your father. Yes, he does need support. But feeling sorry for himself and getting drunk and emotionally blackmailing you is not the way to go about it.

On the getting drunk thing - remind him "there is no social or emotional situation, however bad, that cannot be made worse by alcohol."

These are the people I would turn to first if I were doing it all again: https://www.mha.org.uk/find_a_service/yorkshire

Have a look at their website and let me know what you think or if it sounds promising.
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jakeypegs May 2019
Thank you, I have had a look and printed him off some of the services you can get from the living at home scheme. It looks pretty good. The problem I'm having is that he seems to just want everyone to do it for him. I have printed him off all sorts of things & he seems to just put it to the side & expect somebody else to do it. He's so frustrating! He was going through a bad spell of depression & he was severely overweight, so I found him a walking group for all abilities and even offered to go with him, which would have meant taking time off work. He just took the leaflet and said I'll look at it, but I've tried stuff like this before and it wasn't for me! In other words I can't be bothered, I just want to sit on my backside & let everyone else do it! I really have tried with him.
I have just found loads of info for him and printed it off, I've spent hours and also risk getting in trouble at work, but deep down I know he won't take any of this advice up. I have tried asking him what he wants me to do but he just says he needs support. Am I not supporting him?
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me I really appreciate it :-)
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When your dad asks for your "support", do you know what he means?

Is he asking for you to drop your life and responsibilities and come and rescue him? I think I would try to get him to articulate what he means when he says "support" so that you can politely say "no, dad, I can't possibly do that. What I can do is research what support there is available locally. Shall we talk tomorrow evening?"
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jakeypegs May 2019
Hi Barb,
Believe me I have tried asking him and he just says he needs support! I've tried listening, I've tried advice and positive things to say, I've spent hours finding local support groups and information on how to live with dementia, but he hasn't taken any of it on board. I can't do it for him! One of the things I found was an article that listed aids you can get to help in the house, for instance a recorded voice for when you go out of the front door, reminding you to take your keys and to lock the door and automatic shut of valves for your appliances to reduce the risk of them being left on. I have taken time to read all of these myself and have pointed out the parts I thought he would find useful, but to no avail!!!! I think you are absolutely bang on the money that I will need to be strong and if he asks me to do something I can't manage I will have to be strong and stick up to him. The thought of taking something on and then being stuck with it for the next 10 or more years is really terrifying!!! I am hoping to get my own life back on track and hopefully plan my wedding and maybe another baby in the near future. I can't possibly do that and take on a tonne of other stuff.
Thank you so much for taking your time to respond to me, your advice it really appreciated :-)
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He won't do it. If I were you, I should give them a ring myself, have a heart to heart, and if it seems like a good idea then give their adviser your father's number. Make no bones about it to him, either - he needs help AND expertise.

The thing is, I expect what he really wants to do is run away, and when I think back to how tearful I felt I can't blame him, and I do also have to tell you that I have known men dump their wives because they couldn't hack it.

I've also known men who were absolute, incredible heroes! - but there is no underestimating how utterly soul-destroying it is when your better half seems to have turned into an annoying moron and it does honestly feel, sometimes, like she's doing it on purpose.

(She isn't, of course she isn't, but it can feel like it.)

Does your stepmother have any kids?
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jakeypegs May 2019
I think you're right I need to ring him and speak to him. The thought of it fills me with dread, as he has such a terrible temper and often goes absolutely ape, this is just the way he is, he has been like that forever. I suppose he scares me. But I will just have to be strong for my Stepmum's sake. I will tell him that I am trying my best to support him, but I'm finding it difficult to know what he needs. I will let him know all the stuff I've found for him and hopefully he will listen.
No my Stepmum doesn't have any kids, which is a curse and a blessing. A curse as she has no one else to care for her and a blessing because she hasn't passed this horrendous disease on to someone else, she got it passed down from her mum, which I believe is quite rare? Although I'm not totally sure.
I am my Dad's only daughter, I have a sister but we have different Dad's. She has nothing to do with him as he made her life hell as a kid. I don't think he really has any friends, he has fallen out with both of his brothers and he is still in contact with his sister, but she lives quite far away. That's it. He is a very difficult man and many people, once they realise what he's like do a runner, but it's a bit tricky when it's your Dad.
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Take care of yourself first.

Second, if you want and are able, pitch in. The key word is “want.” In the end, it will be your Dad who needs you more than his wife as he goes through these trials. Caregiving is exhausting and your support may help repair the past problems. (You would be “taking the higher ground” if you decided to help under these circumstances).

Do not help at the expense of own your mental health.
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jakeypegs May 2019
Thank you for your reply, you are right in what you say, the key word is want & the truth is I actually don't want to support him, but feel obligated to. I will just have to do what I can & if that's not good enough, well I tried I suppose.
He made me laugh because he said something along the line of if you don't support me then you don't deserve my support! Well that's a laugh because although he is very generous financially, he has never given me any emotional support, in fact quite the opposite more like mental torture and emotional blackmail, which has not helped my anxiety or depression. Even when I was going through counselling he put loads of pressure on me, even though I was in a really bad way and crying out for him to stop putting pressure on me. I can't even imagine doing that to my child. It is my job to protect him and to support him, not the other way around, especially when it is not deserved! If he doesn't get his own way he has a tantrum. I have often taken the higher ground, on too many occasions. A couple of years ago he was looking after my son who was 5 at the time, my Dad let my Son play in the garden unsupervised, while my dad was asleep in the house. My Son escaped out of the garden, which I might add is right next to a main road! Luckily he knocked on the neighbours door and got frightened when they answered so went back. My Dad didn't even know this had happened until his neighbour came round to tell him. The first I learned about this was when my Son got home and was acting strangely, so I asked him what was wrong, he told me and he thought he would get in trouble. So I called my Dad, only to bring it up and all I wanted was him to say sorry it won't happen again I'll make sure he's supervised in future, but he just went absolutely mental at me, insisting that my Son had never been in any danger and because I would not agree with him he shouted and bawled at me. we fell out for a while, but I did not want my Son to miss out on seeing his Grandad so I took the high ground and text him to say that I would never stop him seeing him and he could see him at my house whenever he wanted, but he still kept having a go at me. Our relationship is still very badly strained. It just never seems to do me any good to try and be the "adult", he always behaves so horribly.
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Sorry, more things coming back to me -

The memory clinic should have registered your stepmother with the community mental health nurse, and there should be a home visit at some point. Any news about that?

Their GP can send round an Occupational Therapist to look at the house and recommend adaptations.

Your father should make sure the GP has him listed as a carer. They will chivvy him to get his 'flu jab and exciting helpful stuff like that.

Your father is entitled to a Carer's Assessment. Within six weeks of his asking, in theory - let's all roll around laughing - but it certainly is true that the sooner he asks, the sooner he'll get one. You'll probably need to go to through social services to get that under way - do you know who their local authority is?

Note: your job is to get her and him onto *other people's* radar. Not to do it yourself, but not to leave it to your father to ask either - he won't.
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jakeypegs May 2019
It's so difficult to get to the bottom of exactly what has been done so far, as my Dad is so vague and when I mention anything he says oh yes they've already been round. As far as I know they've had various home visits, but I'm not too sure who from. I'm pretty sure that they already have social services involved. I think their local authority is Bradford. He seems to be getting some help from the local authorities, but it's tricky to understand what they have had and what they are still entitled to.
I think he is finding the loneliness the worst, she goes to bed at about 6pm and he sits on his own all evening, probably drinking. But what can i do? I can't go round to his, it is too far and my Son has homework that I have to help him with, dinner to be made, packed lunch to make, shower and he needs to go to bed at a decent time as he has school in the morning. He can't come to mine as he can't leave her alone. I could ring him, but tbh the thought of it fills me with dread most of the time & he does not listen, so it almost feels like what's the point. I've been desperately trying to point him to these support groups, hoping he might make some friends, but he doesn't really want to go. He says he feels very resentful towards some of the other carers, he has never said anything but that is how he feels. For example there is one guy who's wife is in her 90's and all my Dad can think is it's not fair, you've had your wife all this time and she's only just got dementia in her 90's, mine is only 65. I can see why he is feeling like that, it's not fair is it.
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Do you know why a PET scan was ordered, and who by?
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jakeypegs May 2019
I'm afraid not. It's all information I've been given by my Dad. I'm pretty sure she had a CAT then a PET or the other way round. Is one of them where they use radio active material? Apparently it got cancelled a couple of times before they finally got round to it, as one of the hospitals had run out of the radio active material that they use??? It's all a mystery really and I never get much of a straight answer out of my Dad. After one of the scans they said they would get the results back in say a couple of months, I don't know exactly how long, but it seemed like a long time and I said to him that was a ridiculous amount of time to wait and maybe he could try and chase it up. He said he didn't want to start upsetting people by chasing them. I pointed him in the direction of this Dementia help place in our local town, he went and told them what was happening, they gave him a telephone number to ring so that he could get the results earlier (???) I kept asking him if he had called and he said that he didn't want to upset the apple cart. I found it very strange, but looking back maybe he was burying his head in the sand? As far as I know one of the scans came back as ok (???) and it was the second scan that actually picked it up and then she was diagnosed with Alzheimers.
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What usually happens is the the GP orders an MRI or a CT scan before the memory clinic appointment. Then at the memory clinic, which takes a full half-day, there's a battery of tests, a qualitative assessment with a clinical psychologist, and then an interview with the older age psychiatrist who uses the GP's report, the scan results, and the results from the morning's testing to talk through the diagnosis with the patient and the patient's primary carer.

I wouldn't get too hung up on the genetic angle if I were you. Alzheimer's tends to run in families, but the link is not that clear cut. If your stepmother's neurologist/psychiatrist are talking about an actual inherited disease, then it's possible they're referring to something else altogether which may also cause dementia.

Your father may not be very communicative for one or more of four reasons: the answers aren't available yet; he doesn't know the answers; he doesn't want to know the answers; he doesn't want to talk about it.

At that point, frustrating though it is, it is very important that you remember that This Is Not Your Problem. You care, you want to help; but it's not you with the diseased brain and it's not your wife who needs care. So set a limit to how many times you're going to bang your head against a brick wall.

Is your father at home with your stepmother all day?
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jakeypegs May 2019
Yes he's at home with her all day. He retired about 7 or 8 years ago & she retired about 5 or 6. She has plenty of friends and was always going to this group and that, whereas my Dad just sat stagnating on the sofa. I think his behaviour has possibly scared off any friends he did have & the only friends left are mainly hers, but many of those have died fairly recently. I was worried about him being at home all day just watching tv, so offered to go walking with him or to join a walking group with him, I found him golf clubs, wood work classes, I bought him a drone, anything to get him out of the house, but he just wasn't interested. The only thing he does is take the dog out for a walk. It is not healthy for either of them. My stepmum doesn't really want to do any of her groups any more, she is really depressed and now also stagnates on the sofa most of the day. To be fair to my Dad he tries to encourage her to do things & says he doesn't mind driving her places, but she's not really interested, it's like she's giving up.
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Oo dear. What sort of jobs did they retire from?
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jakeypegs May 2019
She was a primary school teacher & he was an engineer.
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Holey moley. An engineer with too much time on his hands and no male company?

He doesn't need to be entertained, he needs to be useful would be my guess. Did he work in one particular industry or for one particular company (I'm not asking for identifiers, just trying to narrow down what sort of world he's missing)?

Just off the top of my head, there's an organisation called Now Teach, which is like Teach First but at the other end of the career path - so you get people from finance teaching maths, retired journalists teaching English, that sort of thing.

Anyhooooo, just a little hobby horse of mine, wondering if telling him to get off his behind and help might work better. He may be a bit long in the tooth for formal retraining, but I bet there is useful work out there for engineering skills. What sort of engineering?

If you can possibly winkle his GP's number out of him, by hook or by crook, it might be no bad thing to make contact there.
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jakeypegs May 2019
He was an aerospace engineer and he hated it due to being bullied at work. It paid well, but he had loads of time of sick due to his depression and not been able to deal with the bullying.
I think due to last night's crappy text from him i will have to take a step back and reduce my contact with him, before he manages to undo all my hard work going to counselling and working my backside off to get myself better. He has set me back far too many times now. He is a bully and a manipulator. Yes I feel sorry for my Step Mum and would love to be there for her, but I can't stand him.
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Your father is a drunk or just happened to be drunk when he texted you the other day?

You cannot rescue your father. Even if you had a wonderful relationship, it's impossible to live someone's life for them. Your father must take responsibility for himself and for his choices. Enabling is disabling.

You have already investigated and tried to connect him with resources. He refuses. It doesn't matter his reasons for refusing. All that matters is that you establish and maintain healthy boundaries with him. Make a copy of whatever information about help and resources you have gotten and give it to him. He must avail himself of those resources.

Do not respond to his angry outbursts and texts. Do not reward his bad behavior. Do not accept his attempts to guilt you or manipulate you. You live in the UK where they have lots of programs for pensioners. Use them.
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jakeypegs May 2019
I wouldn't say he is a drunk as such, not a total alcoholic, but he does self medicate his depression with alcohol. If he's had a bad day out comes the wine & he'll just sit drinking himself into a state. He rang me while I was on holiday, I don't get many holidays, so this was extremely precious and was a break away to try and get myself straight during one of my particularly bad spells of depression. When he called he knew this, but he still offloaded all his cr@p onto me, even though I told him I wasn't strong enough to deal with it, this resulted in a massive anxiety attack that lasted for days. Every time I have managed to start feeling better, it is him who has set me back and this was long before my Step Mum getting Alzheimers. This time I will not let him set me back again, the last 2 days I have felt like I've been slipping back into the deepest depths of depression again and have been riddled with anxiety, but it has to stop now.
Thank you for your wise words, I really appreciate it.
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Just like on an airplane, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. You have to take care of yourself!

Perhaps give him this website and let him start looking. Engineers are smart people, he needs to figure out what he can do. Sooner or later (with engineers, it's usually later) they will ask for help. They're incredibly independent, and also argumentative (sorry for anyone who is an engineer and not that way, My family has 3 engineers, and I went to an engineering undergrad...and this seemed to be the norm rather than the exception.)

You're not horrible for not wanting to do it all for him. If he's competent, he can still figure a lot of this out. It's way too early for him to give up and place the burden on you. Stand firm.
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Oh my goodness. Your dad and my dad are pretty similar! Only my dad was the one in need of care. He didn't have dementia, only moderate physical disability but he still wanted me to do literally everything for him. I've only just in the last few months been able to quit my caregiving role with him. Believe me when I say, as a fellow person with mental health issues, DO NOT take this on. My dad destroyed what little mental health I had left, and it's an excruciatingly slow process to get back to typical.

First, I would say to stop the researching and printing for him. It's obvious your dad does not appreciate it. It's the saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You've lead him...and now he has to decide if he's really that thirsty.

Second, because you have already done all the legwork you have I would reduce your contact with him. As long as you are even a phone call away he will think he can still wear you down to come rescue him. When my father went into a nursing home after another stroke last November, he would constantly call me to do things for him. Then my phone broke and he had no way to contact me. After some time to mope, he took up the reins and started taking care of business himself. Yes you will feel guilty for a time, but there's really nothing more you can do right? Necessity is the mother of invention....you dad has to be put in a position that he needs to take care of business himself with no options for an outside rescue.

Third, keep your boundaries!! Take care of you, do your mental health work, do your jobs to keep a roof and food, take care of the babies, do fun things!

Your stepmother is not your responsibility, your father is not your responsibility. When he goes on about needing support, understand that your definition and his definition are completely different. You HAVE supported him. But his definition is "come take this burden off my plate completely." He won't say it that specifically because intellectually he knows that sounds selfish of him. But it is what he means, and you know you do not have that capacity nor the responsibility. You are doing fine!!! You are not an awful child for living your life.

Dad is a big boy, he got this far in life. It's a shame your stepmother has this awful disease and has to put up with your dad who seems to have just wanted to be cared for until he went peacefully in his sleep. It's kind of a karma. My dad married my stepmother because she had a house that was paid for and a fat bank account. He thought he'd be living the good life free from responsibility until he died. Totally went the opposite and now he's ticked at the world and ticked at me for not continuing his dream life. Not my problem! And your dad is not your problem either! You've helped greatly but it's not appreciated, so be done.
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jakeypegs May 2019
Amazing reply Miranova, thank you. It's nice to hear from someone who has experienced this. It's hard helping a parent or caring for a parent when you have had a good relationship, but utterly impossible if you have a horrible parent. I text him last night saying I know he's angry, but taking it out on me won't do any good. I told him that I am trying to support him the best I can, but he knows that I have a very busy and stressful life & am suffering from mental health issues. I told him that I was sorry but that's all I can manage, my son and my mental health have to come first. I told him I had found out some more stuff about support in our area if he was interested. It took a lot of guts and soul searching to send that message and I really took my time thinking what to write. His reply was "a phone call now and then wouldn't go amiss plus I didn't say anything wrong to you" that was it!!!! What a d*@k! I literally only spoke to him on Sunday, ok he rang me but still! I just can't be bothered with his manipulation any more. He is so selfish and doesn't give a cr@p about anyone else. I'm going to do what you say and cut back my contact with him. I don't care what anyone else thinks, as they do not know him like I do, they only see the joke cracking funny guy, the angry, nasty, manipulative, emotional blackmailer is reserved for me and my Step Mum.
He raves on about how wonder my cousin is helping him out with things, erm he pays her to do his cleaning??? He tells everyone else that she's doing it out of the kindness of her heart, but she is being paid! Well maybe he can pay her to be his new daughter, let's see how long it lasts before Mr Nice guy shows his true colours and she runs for the hills!!!!
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Best of luck to you. You’re in a tough spot. Hugs! Looks like you have endlessly tried to help. Don’t forget about yourself. You matter just as much. We all have a place in this world. I wish the best for your family but I don’t want to see you drown trying to help him. I have been there. Harder to get out of a trap once you have fallen in. Best to avoid any traps or pitfalls.
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jakeypegs May 2019
I totally agree, thank you for your kind words. I am going to try and stay strong and not get dragged into his manipulation.
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TG Country Mouse is in the UK. Most of us are in the US so our healthcare is different and services are different.

I think your Dad is not listening. You need to be direct with people like this. You may have to sit down, look him in the eye and say "If you mean caring for SMom is "support" then I am sorry Dad that won't happen. I have given all the info I can find about resources SMom is entitled to. You need to check these out. I can't take the time working two jobs and caring for my son. Smom is your responsibility and there is help for her."

Good Luck
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jakeypegs May 2019
Thanks JoAnn.
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"Dad, if you want my help in all this, you need to give me clear and factual information about what diagnostic procedures have been done, what the results were and what kinds of support are being offered to you and step mom.

I can't come and live there and care for her; I have a child to take care of and children come first. I'll help find you support where you live, but I can't do that if you're not clear and upfront with me about what you've been told and what help is on offer".
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Jakeypegs, it is not fair, no.

It is also not your fault.

You didn't give your stepmother dementia.
You are not a trained dementia support worker.
Even if you had all the time in the world to spend with your Dad, you would still not be in his peer group, his friend, his colleague. You would still be only his daughter.
Therefore, what he needs, what will help him, is not something you can provide no matter how much you wanted to or were prepared to sacrifice to do it.

Did he belong to a trade union, a professional association, anything like that?

One of the worst aspects of being a carer is the isolation and the loneliness. And it isn't a matter of having no one to talk to, simply. It's the feeling that you are alone in your situation.

I have lost count of the number of people on this forum who post for the first time, get a response, and then immediately say they feel better purely because they no longer feel so alone.

Well. Your father has had a rough deal. Your stepmother is young to be suffering from dementia, and it sounds as if her care is going to get quite full-on before long. But here's the point: there is absolutely NO WAY that your father is the only man of his age caring for a wife of her age in the Bradford area. So it becomes a question of connecting him with people he can relate to.

There will be other engineers, other husbands, other golfers in his age group with wives in your stepmother's age group; and some of them will have a lot of experience and knowledge and encouragement to share. Let's keep researching until we can find people on his wavelength.

Meanwhile: retired men who get no respite and are losing the partner they expected to retire with are highly vulnerable to depression, with or without the risk of alcohol abuse or overuse. Is this something you're already keeping an eye on?
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"he does self medicate his depression with alcohol."

Alcohol is a depressant. It is a downer. Self-medicating depression with alcohol is a bit like treating burns with sulphuric acid.

And you, young lady, need to work on boundaries! Giant hugs to you. Feel better x
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jakeypegs May 2019
Oh I know, I've explained this to him! But here we are. He attempted suicide about 5 or 6 years ago after getting hammered. It was on my birthday and my Son was about 2, it was just horrendous. He took about 100 paracetamol, then decided he didn't want to go through with it, so he called my Step Mum who was out having a meal with her friends and told her what he had done. She had to drive like a crazy woman to get there & take him to the hospital. Luckily he hadn't done any damage. I got the phone call and was put on the phone to my Dad, I was in an absolute state of shock, I felt like my whole word had come crashing down, so I did't really know what to say. I think I said Dad what on earth have you done, yes it probably wasn't the best reaction, but there is no bloody guide book on what to say to your parent when they have just tried to kill themselves. He loves throwing that back in my face, how horrible I was to him. I was in shock! I didn't rush to see him in the hospital due to having my Son, I didn't want to take him there to see that. So instead I went to see him the next day when he got home, it was Father's day. All I ever get from him is that I'm not a good enough daughter :-( But do you know what he's not a good enough Dad. All I can do is do my best to be the best Mum I can be to my Son.
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[clearing throat] hem-hem.

For future reference, God forbid, the correct response to a phone call from someone announcing that they have just swallowed 100 paracetamol is to hang up, calmly, and call an ambulance. It is not to drive home like a madwoman.

And for information: if you think this through, you will see there are grounds for scepticism about what exactly he did do. Even five or six years ago, getting 100 paracetamol together required a certain amount of prior planning. There are 16 in a box, or 32 max if you buy from a pharmacist. Shops will not sell you more than one box at a time without arguing; and I happen to know that they are quite good about this, because the EPOS systems in supermarkets flag up the second purchase and your friendly teenage cashier will say "computer says no." The only exception is on prescription - GP's can prescribe larger supplies for people requiring maintenance pain relief. Does that apply? Does your father or your stepmother have any painful chronic condition?

Moreover, I also happen to know that if you swallow 100 x 500mg paracetamol tablets, quite apart from how long it takes to do that - visualise it, that's quite a heap of tablets you're downing, plus you've got to get every one of them out of the blister pack - you will vomit copiously. If you are drunk, you will vomit all the quicker.

So all in all, I think it's very unlikely that he in fact managed to take that large an overdose unless he'd been planning it for quite some time. Having said that, you don't need to take anything like 100 to kill yourself. It happens quite a lot, but accidentally because by the time it happens the person has often changed his or her mind. Hence you don't call anyone's bluff about it - if they've taken more than the recommended dose, you call an ambulance.

I don't think, actually, that being angry with someone who has done this, while you are in shock about it especially, is at all an inappropriate response or even an unhelpful one. It is a natural response which at the same time demonstrates that what the person has done *matters* to you. So don't blame yourself for not having a professional reaction - you're not a professional, quite apart from anything else.
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jakeypegs May 2019
I can sort of believe that they had that many tablets in the house. My Dad is a hoarder, he starts to get twitchy if he goes in the cupboard and he in down to only 20 cans of beans!!! He has cupboards full of stuff. But I do doubt if he genuinely wanted to actually kill himself, I think it was a cry for attention. I remember at 10 years old my Dad used to tell me that after the divorce from my Mum he took a rope and put it in the boot of his car & went to a certain place to hang himself, but he never went through with it. I mean you really tell a 10 year old that type of cr@p!!! FFS! Honestly the stories I could tell you. He's broken down in front of my Son and said he felt like killing himself, resulting in my 3/4 year old saying he wanted to kill himself in a conversation weeks later!!!! When we were kids my sister was off school ill with a sickness bug for a few days, she started feeling better and wanted something to eat so my Mum made her some toast using the last slices of bread, although there was more in the freezer. My Dad came home from work and being his usual greedy self was after something to eat before his tea, went in the bread bin and there was no bread. He asked where the bread was, my Mum explained & he went absolutely ape & I mean ape. I remember vividly his eyes used to bulge out of his head, his face purple, veins throbbing in his head and frothing from the mouth, spitting as he vented his spleen! But because my Mum stood up to him, after all she was only looking after her poorly child, he took a knife upstairs and said he was going to kill himself! My Mum ignored him, as this sort of thing was a regular occurrence. So he was up there raging and stewing on his own, the program we were all looking forward to seeing came on the TV, he heard it from upstairs and came charging down like a raging bull. He cut the plug off the TV and said if I can't watch it then you're not watching it either. Honestly, when I look back I can't quite believe it myself. It's shocking. I spend my whole childhood walking on egg shells. When they split up I was 10 and I remember saying to my Mum, you won't get back with him will you? She said no. I said if she did I would run away. This man, my father, is very toxic.
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Um. If it were me, I'd keep my five year old away from him except under direct supervision.

Your father needs help. It sounds as if he has needed help for a very long time. It is a job that you cannot do. That is not your fault.

Call MHA, and call Social Services. [The good news, by the way, is that Bradford University is a centre of excellence in dementia care and related fields, so you're in luck there - there will be all kinds of networks and programs around locally].

Call MHA just to get their advice. Call Social Services to register your concerns and to make sure that your father and stepmother are on their radar.

In everything you do, though, remember very clearly that the aim is to put Other People between you and their situation.

Is your mother around, just out of interest?
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jakeypegs May 2019
Oh I don't let him near him without me being there. I don't trust him, his idea of safe and my idea of safe are poles apart! My Son doesn't even want to see him, but I say well he is your Grandad, I don't want the way I feel about my Dad to influence his decision to see him or not, but on the other hand don't want to force him either.
My mother is around, she has nothing to do with my Dad, she can't stand him, understandably so!
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I wouldn't expect your mother to have any interest in becoming involved in your Dad's life, whether or not she can't stand him. Divorce is there for a reason. I was wondering if your relationship with her might be helpful to you in coping at the moment.
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jakeypegs May 2019
Our relationship was almost destoyed thanks to my Dad, at the age of 15 he told me lots of things about affairs etc, which sent me off the rails & I hated her. My counselor recommended I speak to her, so after years of believing all sorts of crap, I plucked up the courage to speak to her and she told me the situation she was in and just how hard it was living with my bully of a Dad and that has gone some way to understanding what happened. Now our relationship is much better, not 100%, but better. I do vent to her, but she just says well that's what he's like. She tells me not to get involved and to not let him bully me.
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He's not a great one for age-appropriate conversations, is he? - that's for sure.

Are you still in touch with a counsellor?
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jakeypegs May 2019
I was signed off just before Christmas. I have his number on standby. He told me he would be there if I ever needed him, either for a 1 off visit or for longer if needed. I'm glad I have a safety net, it's definitely reassuring.
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If this situation with your stepmother has blown up since after Christmas, it might not be a bad idea to email your counsellor with a heads-up type update.

This would be for purely practical purposes.

You are coming under renewed pressure because your father wants to lean on someone and you're nearest.

You are not the right person for him to lean on.

One way or another, you will need to stop him doing that.

You may need help and guidance to stop him without hurting either yourself or him.
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jakeypegs May 2019
Thank you Countrymouse, I really appreciate your advice and very wise words. You are a great help.
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Tell your Dad he's a lush. He has support, now he needs to get up off his lazy ass and get it! If he's drinking and texting you while drunk, he could get in big trouble with APS. See what can be done about getting your stepmom away from him and into a care facility- she's in danger if a drunk is looking after her. In the meantime, get some therapy for yourself and see what can be done to lower your job load. Working two jobs is too much for your mental health right now. And your child needs a happy and healthy mother, just as you need to be happy and healthy with yourself. Hugs
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jakeypegs May 2019
Thanks mmcmahon. Well it looks as though an opportunity may be coming up to get a different job and work from home some of the time. I'm hoping this will mean I can give up my second job and also the very expensive childcare bills! This may help lower the stress levels! Fingers crossed I can get it and start working from home the majority of the time.
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OMG, I am reading your responses to CMouse.

Your Dad sounds like he is BiPolar. Sounds like he had manic episodes. My cousin suffers from it. She describes it as the mind constantly going. Alcohol helps to slow it down.

I think Smom is in a bad situation and really needs to be taken out of the home to a care home.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
So many people who have not yet been diagnosed with bipolar deny something is ‘off.’ They don’t always know what is happening in the beginning. My nephew noticed with his wife that she was having unusual mood swings.

They had to attend another church because church elders at their ‘nondenominational’ church kept telling them to have ‘more faith’ and pray it away.

After she was properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist she was introduced to the proper meds and is living a productive life again.

Anything is a possibility, JoAnn but if bipolar is in the picture meds will have to be given to balance out mood issues.
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Jakey,

Your child is your first priority. Don’t allow your dad or your stepmom to keep you from being the best mom. You are a good mom and daughter but things can get very slippery in a situation like this and before you know it, you’ve fallen into their trap.

You have suffered enough. He is responsible for himself.

Your stepmom needs to look elsewhere for support. If it makes you feel better give her a list of organizations that could possibly help her. Please do not be involved in his mess. Trust me, it hardly ever works out.

I grew up with a brother addicted to heroin. He too was successful at one point in his life, even owning his own business with his live in girlfriend.

He mistreated his girlfriend. The business closed when they separated. He never changed his ways in spite of everyone trying to help him. Some people do, and I am happy for those who do change. I am not a cold person. I have empathy for all addicts or problem drinkers. Yes, I said problem drinker for a reason.

In Alcoholic’s Anonymous they say that any person who drinks and it causes problems in that person’s life needs help, whether or not they are dependent on the alcohol. Clearly that is the case here. Has nothing to do with physical dependence.

If an emotional dependency is there it will destroy just as much. Do you see what I am saying? I learned this from my neighbor whose husband was emotionally drinking way too much. While he wasn’t physically dependent the drinking caused their divorce.

You and your child deserve to live a happy life. I can see from your posts that you are intelligent, kind and caring. Put all of that energy into your life with your son.

For years I did not realize the damage that was done when I grew up with an addict. How could I? I was a kid. I discovered a lot as an adult in therapy. Healing began. Actually grieving, healthy grief that needed to happen before healing. I lost my brother. I learned from my therapist that I could love my brother but I was justified in not loving his lifestyle. Separation in emotions helped me tremendously. Don’t allow everything to get jumbled up together.

I will be thinking of you and I wish you well. Hug that sweet child of yours. He needs you. So many times I felt invisible as a kid, a mere shadow to my brother. Children grow up fast. Savor every moment of it. Your child is blessed to have a mom who loves him.

Take care. Hugs!
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jakeypegs May 2019
Wow your reply has really touched my heart, thank you x
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Sounds as though trying to assist would be a case of never being able to do the right thing, going back to being bullied, and having a negative impact on your own health. Yes he is your father, but for you it sounds as though you are probably better to sort out a list of carers available to go in and assist him as needed, and to give him some own time hours as well.
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rovana May 2019
Agree - dad does need help, but not OP's hands-on taking over responsibility.  It is his responsibility and he needs to step up and utilize the many resources available.  That is what they are for and he needs to get off the sofa and get to work. Sounds like dad is trying to dodge his responsibility. Is it possible to get step mom on social services radar for her protection?
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There are protective services and social workers who can talk to your dad about options for your step mom. The best help you can give them is to connect them with these agencies. See if your city can provide you with contact numbers. You need to focus on yourself and your child.

Pause... Take a deep breath... Close your eyes for a minute... Open... Smile... You are not Alone.

Take care...
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jakeypegs May 2019
Thank you x
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