Dad caring for stepmum & is struggling. He's putting pressure on me to help, but I'm struggling with my own mental health. What should I do?

Hello, you're in the UK are you? Whereabouts?

Number 1 - relax. You have come to a good place, where the lovely (mainly American, though from all over the world) forum members are a breath of fresh air and the voices of reason.

There will be help for your stepmother and your father, in that order, and we will help you find what direction to point them in. You say your stepmother is in the early stages - has she actually been through the Memory Clinic referral process, do you know?

Dad is under a lot of pressure and stress and he is trying to put it off on you. Whether or not you allow him to is up to you, but you will undoubtedly regret it if you take on this task. Under the “best” of circumstances, caring for someone with dementia is difficult. And, you don’t have the best of circumstances. Dad is already showing hostility toward you, he is trying to force and guilt you into caring for your stepmother. Again, if whether or not you allow him to is up to you.

Kindly but firmly explain to your father that you are not able to become a caregiver for your stepmother. Your busy life and your own health issues do not allow it. But, tell him that you will be happy to help him find professional help such as in-home aides or even help find placement in a facility if he would wish. You will need to be very strong to do this. You are an adult. While you can assist your father as mentioned above, you do not have to dedicate what could be decades of your life caring for your stepmother. Find the resolve to stand up for yourself and to Dad.

Hi, yes I'm in the UK, Yorkshire.

Yes she's been through the memory clinic, she's also had PET & CAT scans. The memory clinic said she was fine but the final scan came back that she has Alzheimer's passed on from her mother. She was diagnosed about 2 months ago. Although the signs were there, we just didn't realise. She booked a holiday and forgot about it, the only way they found out was the taxi was at the hotel waiting for them, but neither my Dad or Stepmum knew anything about it! She's been leaving her bag or card at stores, leaving keys in the car, not locking doors. But my Dad is getting increasingly frustrated due to the fact she's getting days wrong and confused with dates. For example he gave her the responsibility of booking the car parking at the airport for their holiday, even though she's been getting confused and of course she got the dates wrong! He was shouting and losing his temper at her abd I felt so sorry for. I don't know what he's playing at giving her things like that to do, he's setting her up to fail. So I told him he would have to take on such responsibilities in future. But then he rang me the other day saying it had been a terrible week, I asked why, he said he'd taken her to a coffee morning on Saturday that she wanted to go to, but it wasn't there as she'd got the wrong day, same day he took her to her nail appointment only to find out it had been the previous week. Then he had ironed his suit for the Christening that was supposed to be on Sunday morning only to find out it is in 3 weeks time. I said to him he would have to start taking charge of appointments and dates etc. All the time he was telling me this I could hear my Stepmum in the background, so she could clearly hear him talking about her. He was also complaining about the fact he's now doing most of the cooking supervised by my Stepmum ( she used to do everything, cooking, cleaning, washing, my Dad has always been pretty lazy!). So I said it must be hard, but try and make it into something nice that you can both do together and maybe she can teach you some of her cooking skills. Because I wasn't giving me sympathy he couldn't get me off the phone quick enough. He keeps saying everyone is always asking about how she is but what about me. He's making me really angry as my whole life he's always been very selfish and everything is always about him and he's even making this all about him. He shouts at my Stepmum all the time and he even says things in front of her belittling her. For example she was setting the table, I said are you having someone round for dinner, my Dad said yes 2 people but she insists on doing stupid things like setting it for 8. He was on the phone telling the holiday car park people that she's always messing up dates. Surely it can't do her any good to be hearing him always putting her down. I feel so sorry for her and cross at him, she must feel like she's useless and can't do anything right. I can't stand visiting any more as the last time I went he was shouting and swearing at her for messing up with the car park thing. I dread him ringing me or having to see him, he is so angry, he always was throughout my childhood. Sorry for going on, but I just need to get it out. You are very kind if you took the time to read this, thank you.

I feel so sorry for both of them! And for you too, but in your case you're safe now - :) - because we won't let you do anything fat-headed or suicidal like volunteer to get too close to the situation.

The learning curve for carers whose loved one is in the earliest stages of dementia is incredibly steep and can feel to the carer as though it's the carer who's being driven mad. But just as in the olden days they used to slap hysterical ladies to snap them out of it, you can be frank to the point of brutal with your father. Yes, he does need support. But feeling sorry for himself and getting drunk and emotionally blackmailing you is not the way to go about it.

On the getting drunk thing - remind him "there is no social or emotional situation, however bad, that cannot be made worse by alcohol."

These are the people I would turn to first if I were doing it all again: https://www.mha.org.uk/find_a_service/yorkshire

Have a look at their website and let me know what you think or if it sounds promising.

When your dad asks for your "support", do you know what he means?

Is he asking for you to drop your life and responsibilities and come and rescue him? I think I would try to get him to articulate what he means when he says "support" so that you can politely say "no, dad, I can't possibly do that. What I can do is research what support there is available locally. Shall we talk tomorrow evening?"

He won't do it. If I were you, I should give them a ring myself, have a heart to heart, and if it seems like a good idea then give their adviser your father's number. Make no bones about it to him, either - he needs help AND expertise.

The thing is, I expect what he really wants to do is run away, and when I think back to how tearful I felt I can't blame him, and I do also have to tell you that I have known men dump their wives because they couldn't hack it.

I've also known men who were absolute, incredible heroes! - but there is no underestimating how utterly soul-destroying it is when your better half seems to have turned into an annoying moron and it does honestly feel, sometimes, like she's doing it on purpose.

(She isn't, of course she isn't, but it can feel like it.)

Does your stepmother have any kids?

Take care of yourself first.

Second, if you want and are able, pitch in. The key word is “want.” In the end, it will be your Dad who needs you more than his wife as he goes through these trials. Caregiving is exhausting and your support may help repair the past problems. (You would be “taking the higher ground” if you decided to help under these circumstances).

Do not help at the expense of own your mental health.

Sorry, more things coming back to me -

The memory clinic should have registered your stepmother with the community mental health nurse, and there should be a home visit at some point. Any news about that?

Their GP can send round an Occupational Therapist to look at the house and recommend adaptations.

Your father should make sure the GP has him listed as a carer. They will chivvy him to get his 'flu jab and exciting helpful stuff like that.

Your father is entitled to a Carer's Assessment. Within six weeks of his asking, in theory - let's all roll around laughing - but it certainly is true that the sooner he asks, the sooner he'll get one. You'll probably need to go to through social services to get that under way - do you know who their local authority is?

Note: your job is to get her and him onto *other people's* radar. Not to do it yourself, but not to leave it to your father to ask either - he won't.

Do you know why a PET scan was ordered, and who by?

What usually happens is the the GP orders an MRI or a CT scan before the memory clinic appointment. Then at the memory clinic, which takes a full half-day, there's a battery of tests, a qualitative assessment with a clinical psychologist, and then an interview with the older age psychiatrist who uses the GP's report, the scan results, and the results from the morning's testing to talk through the diagnosis with the patient and the patient's primary carer.

I wouldn't get too hung up on the genetic angle if I were you. Alzheimer's tends to run in families, but the link is not that clear cut. If your stepmother's neurologist/psychiatrist are talking about an actual inherited disease, then it's possible they're referring to something else altogether which may also cause dementia.

Your father may not be very communicative for one or more of four reasons: the answers aren't available yet; he doesn't know the answers; he doesn't want to know the answers; he doesn't want to talk about it.

At that point, frustrating though it is, it is very important that you remember that This Is Not Your Problem. You care, you want to help; but it's not you with the diseased brain and it's not your wife who needs care. So set a limit to how many times you're going to bang your head against a brick wall.

Is your father at home with your stepmother all day?

Oo dear. What sort of jobs did they retire from?

Holey moley. An engineer with too much time on his hands and no male company?

He doesn't need to be entertained, he needs to be useful would be my guess. Did he work in one particular industry or for one particular company (I'm not asking for identifiers, just trying to narrow down what sort of world he's missing)?

Just off the top of my head, there's an organisation called Now Teach, which is like Teach First but at the other end of the career path - so you get people from finance teaching maths, retired journalists teaching English, that sort of thing.

Anyhooooo, just a little hobby horse of mine, wondering if telling him to get off his behind and help might work better. He may be a bit long in the tooth for formal retraining, but I bet there is useful work out there for engineering skills. What sort of engineering?

If you can possibly winkle his GP's number out of him, by hook or by crook, it might be no bad thing to make contact there.

Your father is a drunk or just happened to be drunk when he texted you the other day?

You cannot rescue your father. Even if you had a wonderful relationship, it's impossible to live someone's life for them. Your father must take responsibility for himself and for his choices. Enabling is disabling.

You have already investigated and tried to connect him with resources. He refuses. It doesn't matter his reasons for refusing. All that matters is that you establish and maintain healthy boundaries with him. Make a copy of whatever information about help and resources you have gotten and give it to him. He must avail himself of those resources.

Do not respond to his angry outbursts and texts. Do not reward his bad behavior. Do not accept his attempts to guilt you or manipulate you. You live in the UK where they have lots of programs for pensioners. Use them.

Just like on an airplane, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. You have to take care of yourself!

Perhaps give him this website and let him start looking. Engineers are smart people, he needs to figure out what he can do. Sooner or later (with engineers, it's usually later) they will ask for help. They're incredibly independent, and also argumentative (sorry for anyone who is an engineer and not that way, My family has 3 engineers, and I went to an engineering undergrad...and this seemed to be the norm rather than the exception.)

You're not horrible for not wanting to do it all for him. If he's competent, he can still figure a lot of this out. It's way too early for him to give up and place the burden on you. Stand firm.

Oh my goodness. Your dad and my dad are pretty similar! Only my dad was the one in need of care. He didn't have dementia, only moderate physical disability but he still wanted me to do literally everything for him. I've only just in the last few months been able to quit my caregiving role with him. Believe me when I say, as a fellow person with mental health issues, DO NOT take this on. My dad destroyed what little mental health I had left, and it's an excruciatingly slow process to get back to typical.

First, I would say to stop the researching and printing for him. It's obvious your dad does not appreciate it. It's the saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You've lead him...and now he has to decide if he's really that thirsty.

Second, because you have already done all the legwork you have I would reduce your contact with him. As long as you are even a phone call away he will think he can still wear you down to come rescue him. When my father went into a nursing home after another stroke last November, he would constantly call me to do things for him. Then my phone broke and he had no way to contact me. After some time to mope, he took up the reins and started taking care of business himself. Yes you will feel guilty for a time, but there's really nothing more you can do right? Necessity is the mother of invention....you dad has to be put in a position that he needs to take care of business himself with no options for an outside rescue.

Third, keep your boundaries!! Take care of you, do your mental health work, do your jobs to keep a roof and food, take care of the babies, do fun things!

Your stepmother is not your responsibility, your father is not your responsibility. When he goes on about needing support, understand that your definition and his definition are completely different. You HAVE supported him. But his definition is "come take this burden off my plate completely." He won't say it that specifically because intellectually he knows that sounds selfish of him. But it is what he means, and you know you do not have that capacity nor the responsibility. You are doing fine!!! You are not an awful child for living your life.

Dad is a big boy, he got this far in life. It's a shame your stepmother has this awful disease and has to put up with your dad who seems to have just wanted to be cared for until he went peacefully in his sleep. It's kind of a karma. My dad married my stepmother because she had a house that was paid for and a fat bank account. He thought he'd be living the good life free from responsibility until he died. Totally went the opposite and now he's ticked at the world and ticked at me for not continuing his dream life. Not my problem! And your dad is not your problem either! You've helped greatly but it's not appreciated, so be done.

Best of luck to you. You’re in a tough spot. Hugs! Looks like you have endlessly tried to help. Don’t forget about yourself. You matter just as much. We all have a place in this world. I wish the best for your family but I don’t want to see you drown trying to help him. I have been there. Harder to get out of a trap once you have fallen in. Best to avoid any traps or pitfalls.

TG Country Mouse is in the UK. Most of us are in the US so our healthcare is different and services are different.

I think your Dad is not listening. You need to be direct with people like this. You may have to sit down, look him in the eye and say "If you mean caring for SMom is "support" then I am sorry Dad that won't happen. I have given all the info I can find about resources SMom is entitled to. You need to check these out. I can't take the time working two jobs and caring for my son. Smom is your responsibility and there is help for her."

Good Luck

"Dad, if you want my help in all this, you need to give me clear and factual information about what diagnostic procedures have been done, what the results were and what kinds of support are being offered to you and step mom.

I can't come and live there and care for her; I have a child to take care of and children come first. I'll help find you support where you live, but I can't do that if you're not clear and upfront with me about what you've been told and what help is on offer".

Jakeypegs, it is not fair, no.

It is also not your fault.

You didn't give your stepmother dementia.
You are not a trained dementia support worker.
Even if you had all the time in the world to spend with your Dad, you would still not be in his peer group, his friend, his colleague. You would still be only his daughter.
Therefore, what he needs, what will help him, is not something you can provide no matter how much you wanted to or were prepared to sacrifice to do it.

Did he belong to a trade union, a professional association, anything like that?

One of the worst aspects of being a carer is the isolation and the loneliness. And it isn't a matter of having no one to talk to, simply. It's the feeling that you are alone in your situation.

I have lost count of the number of people on this forum who post for the first time, get a response, and then immediately say they feel better purely because they no longer feel so alone.

Well. Your father has had a rough deal. Your stepmother is young to be suffering from dementia, and it sounds as if her care is going to get quite full-on before long. But here's the point: there is absolutely NO WAY that your father is the only man of his age caring for a wife of her age in the Bradford area. So it becomes a question of connecting him with people he can relate to.

There will be other engineers, other husbands, other golfers in his age group with wives in your stepmother's age group; and some of them will have a lot of experience and knowledge and encouragement to share. Let's keep researching until we can find people on his wavelength.

Meanwhile: retired men who get no respite and are losing the partner they expected to retire with are highly vulnerable to depression, with or without the risk of alcohol abuse or overuse. Is this something you're already keeping an eye on?

"he does self medicate his depression with alcohol."

Alcohol is a depressant. It is a downer. Self-medicating depression with alcohol is a bit like treating burns with sulphuric acid.

And you, young lady, need to work on boundaries! Giant hugs to you. Feel better x

[clearing throat] hem-hem.

For future reference, God forbid, the correct response to a phone call from someone announcing that they have just swallowed 100 paracetamol is to hang up, calmly, and call an ambulance. It is not to drive home like a madwoman.

And for information: if you think this through, you will see there are grounds for scepticism about what exactly he did do. Even five or six years ago, getting 100 paracetamol together required a certain amount of prior planning. There are 16 in a box, or 32 max if you buy from a pharmacist. Shops will not sell you more than one box at a time without arguing; and I happen to know that they are quite good about this, because the EPOS systems in supermarkets flag up the second purchase and your friendly teenage cashier will say "computer says no." The only exception is on prescription - GP's can prescribe larger supplies for people requiring maintenance pain relief. Does that apply? Does your father or your stepmother have any painful chronic condition?

Moreover, I also happen to know that if you swallow 100 x 500mg paracetamol tablets, quite apart from how long it takes to do that - visualise it, that's quite a heap of tablets you're downing, plus you've got to get every one of them out of the blister pack - you will vomit copiously. If you are drunk, you will vomit all the quicker.

So all in all, I think it's very unlikely that he in fact managed to take that large an overdose unless he'd been planning it for quite some time. Having said that, you don't need to take anything like 100 to kill yourself. It happens quite a lot, but accidentally because by the time it happens the person has often changed his or her mind. Hence you don't call anyone's bluff about it - if they've taken more than the recommended dose, you call an ambulance.

I don't think, actually, that being angry with someone who has done this, while you are in shock about it especially, is at all an inappropriate response or even an unhelpful one. It is a natural response which at the same time demonstrates that what the person has done *matters* to you. So don't blame yourself for not having a professional reaction - you're not a professional, quite apart from anything else.

Um. If it were me, I'd keep my five year old away from him except under direct supervision.

Your father needs help. It sounds as if he has needed help for a very long time. It is a job that you cannot do. That is not your fault.

Call MHA, and call Social Services. [The good news, by the way, is that Bradford University is a centre of excellence in dementia care and related fields, so you're in luck there - there will be all kinds of networks and programs around locally].

Call MHA just to get their advice. Call Social Services to register your concerns and to make sure that your father and stepmother are on their radar.

In everything you do, though, remember very clearly that the aim is to put Other People between you and their situation.

Is your mother around, just out of interest?

I wouldn't expect your mother to have any interest in becoming involved in your Dad's life, whether or not she can't stand him. Divorce is there for a reason. I was wondering if your relationship with her might be helpful to you in coping at the moment.

He's not a great one for age-appropriate conversations, is he? - that's for sure.

Are you still in touch with a counsellor?

If this situation with your stepmother has blown up since after Christmas, it might not be a bad idea to email your counsellor with a heads-up type update.

This would be for purely practical purposes.

You are coming under renewed pressure because your father wants to lean on someone and you're nearest.

You are not the right person for him to lean on.

One way or another, you will need to stop him doing that.

You may need help and guidance to stop him without hurting either yourself or him.

Tell your Dad he's a lush. He has support, now he needs to get up off his lazy ass and get it! If he's drinking and texting you while drunk, he could get in big trouble with APS. See what can be done about getting your stepmom away from him and into a care facility- she's in danger if a drunk is looking after her. In the meantime, get some therapy for yourself and see what can be done to lower your job load. Working two jobs is too much for your mental health right now. And your child needs a happy and healthy mother, just as you need to be happy and healthy with yourself. Hugs

OMG, I am reading your responses to CMouse.

Your Dad sounds like he is BiPolar. Sounds like he had manic episodes. My cousin suffers from it. She describes it as the mind constantly going. Alcohol helps to slow it down.

I think Smom is in a bad situation and really needs to be taken out of the home to a care home.

Jakey,

Your child is your first priority. Don’t allow your dad or your stepmom to keep you from being the best mom. You are a good mom and daughter but things can get very slippery in a situation like this and before you know it, you’ve fallen into their trap.

You have suffered enough. He is responsible for himself.

Your stepmom needs to look elsewhere for support. If it makes you feel better give her a list of organizations that could possibly help her. Please do not be involved in his mess. Trust me, it hardly ever works out.

I grew up with a brother addicted to heroin. He too was successful at one point in his life, even owning his own business with his live in girlfriend.

He mistreated his girlfriend. The business closed when they separated. He never changed his ways in spite of everyone trying to help him. Some people do, and I am happy for those who do change. I am not a cold person. I have empathy for all addicts or problem drinkers. Yes, I said problem drinker for a reason.

In Alcoholic’s Anonymous they say that any person who drinks and it causes problems in that person’s life needs help, whether or not they are dependent on the alcohol. Clearly that is the case here. Has nothing to do with physical dependence.

If an emotional dependency is there it will destroy just as much. Do you see what I am saying? I learned this from my neighbor whose husband was emotionally drinking way too much. While he wasn’t physically dependent the drinking caused their divorce.

You and your child deserve to live a happy life. I can see from your posts that you are intelligent, kind and caring. Put all of that energy into your life with your son.

For years I did not realize the damage that was done when I grew up with an addict. How could I? I was a kid. I discovered a lot as an adult in therapy. Healing began. Actually grieving, healthy grief that needed to happen before healing. I lost my brother. I learned from my therapist that I could love my brother but I was justified in not loving his lifestyle. Separation in emotions helped me tremendously. Don’t allow everything to get jumbled up together.

I will be thinking of you and I wish you well. Hug that sweet child of yours. He needs you. So many times I felt invisible as a kid, a mere shadow to my brother. Children grow up fast. Savor every moment of it. Your child is blessed to have a mom who loves him.

Take care. Hugs!

Sounds as though trying to assist would be a case of never being able to do the right thing, going back to being bullied, and having a negative impact on your own health. Yes he is your father, but for you it sounds as though you are probably better to sort out a list of carers available to go in and assist him as needed, and to give him some own time hours as well.

There are protective services and social workers who can talk to your dad about options for your step mom. The best help you can give them is to connect them with these agencies. See if your city can provide you with contact numbers. You need to focus on yourself and your child.

Pause... Take a deep breath... Close your eyes for a minute... Open... Smile... You are not Alone.

Take care...