My MIL (86) has dementia which has been getting worse. She lives with my FIL(93) who has physical limitations. The live in a single floor 2 bedroom condo with another space that can be closed off to be a extra guest room. They have aids come in every day for 8 hours to help with shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. My MIL has been forgetting who people are, and where she is living in both time and place, for a couple of years. It has gotten progressively worse. We believe it is the result of a couple of mini strokes she suffered, vascular dementia. Sometimes she can laugh at herself and other times she gets angry that we are all lying to her and won't take her "home." The bad periods are getting longer and more often. She is somewhat better when her children come to visit, but that can only happen once a month as we live all live a plane ride away.
My FIL had been insisting that my MIL remain in their home as he felt she would become even more confused if moved someplace new. We have been amazed at the patience he has shown her over the last 2 years. But after the last few bad episodes where he could not get her back to "reality until she slept through the night, he is thinking that she need to be moved someplace where they would know how to help/handle her better than he can. If there is not an aide there and she decides she wants to leave there is not much he could do to stop her. For the time being we are going to have the aides stay till she goes to sleep. So far she has not been waking at night, which may be due to her medication.
So, what are we looking for? I assume a memory unit but in Assisted Living or a Nursing Home? How will the staff at either, deal with her when she says needs to call her parents and go home because they will be worried? Will this move make her life better or is it only going to make her safer and relieve my FIL of a responsibility that is getting beyond him. She already eats very little and she will sometimes eat a few bites and then decide she does not like it any more. Will she eat less because she will be served what they are serving and not what she likes or is in the mood for? At a nursing home or assisted living place would they let her sleep or make her do activities? Would she be more interested in activities in that setting? Do residents who mostly slept at home get more active in a residential setting? Would she be free to wander with in the residence or would she be directed constantly?
Are there any "good" options that will not cost over $50,000 a year? Can they both move to assisted living together if she has memory issues and he does not? Would this be better or worse for her?
I am trying to get my head around what we do next and how it will be better and how it will be worse. These are just the questions that come to mind as I type this note.
TIA for any suggestion, information, words of wisdom.