Caregiving - Lessons in Codependency

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I've known I'm codependent for a while and even attend meetings to help with it.


Today I had a small... breakthrough... I think.


As a codependent, people pleasing is a HUGE obstacle for me. I find myself apologizing for... EVERYTHING... especially asking for what I need.


I had been feeling a little apprehensive about "standing up" to the caregiver that's helping out. She's a family friend, but it's important for us to separate business from friendship. In less than a week, she's shown up late twice -- inconveniencing me twice both times, and I didn't say anything.


This weekend, she TOLD me that she wanted to take Dad to a special church service at her church--even stated that I should have him ready by the time she arrives for her shift. I didn't like it at the time, but said nothing and even went back and forth in my head about whether it would be too overbearing to ask her to not take him to the service.


...after a LOT of back and forth in my head, I let her know that I'm not comfortable with her taking Dad anywhere for an extended period of time if I'm not there, and asked her to stick to the schedule I gave her a month in advance and keep him home.


She agreed, so I guess that's a breakthrough, BUT my inner codependent still wants to apologize for taking her away from her church service. Ugh!! It makes not sense!!!


I also need to address the tardiness, but am a little apprehensive about doing that. If I upset her, my whole caregiving plan goes down the drain, and she's the only one I trust to help out (I've had NIGHTMARES with other home caregivers in the past).


...One step at a time, huh?

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I would call this non-confrontational not codependent. Codependent is when you rely on someone for emotional and financial support and have a hard time standing up for yourself with that person. I don't think this is you.

I think we r alike in this. I have no problem standing up for someone else, like my Mom and recently my nephew. But have a hard time doing it for myself. I have never been confrontational. When I finally get fed up, I am angry and say the wrong things and then feel bad.

I see why you hired a friend but I see where problems will arise from this. She is now your employee and you her boss and its going to be hard keeping the friendship separate. I think telling her no about the church thing was good. Lots of changes going on and you need to let Dad get used to his surroundings first. The lateness? Does that effect you getting to work. Him being alone and shouldn't be. I would bring this up to her. The lateness effecting your job which has suffered enough in the last months. And, that you feel uncomfortable about leaving him alone for anytime so u can get to work on time. I know, easier said than done.

Say something like "I really need to get to work on time so could you be here by such and such a time so I know Dad is not alone."

Good Luck, really I know where ur coming from.
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