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I am a disabled veteran with 2 babies, some financial issues and recently watched my own mother and father-in-law die horribly from cancer and pneumonia. My mother-in-law is coming to stay with us in a day or two for in-home hospice because she can't qualify for Medicaid.


She had advance lung disease with only one lung remaining. I'm expected to care for her until she dies, with no support.


She is incontinent, suffers from dementia, and often says mean things to me because she can't remember who I am. She is bedridden except apparently at night when her dementia hits and she wanders around at 2 am moving my steak knives and putting paper in my dishwasher.


I love her very much and she is a very important person to me. It is extremely painful watching her waste away and slowly dying. If we don't take her in and care for her 24/7, she will die, and in a very painful and traumatic way. With proper care and medication she will have a significant improvement on her quality of life and she will be able to die with dignity and without pain, possibly many more months from now. She doesn't qualify for Medicaid so please don't give me advice about how wonderful it is etc.


Everything is through Medicare and our pocket. I will have no relief with my children or with her care. (Please don't advice me to put my kids in daycare etc because it costs $4,000 in my area for a cheap daycare and as I stated before we have some financial issues)


Is there anyone out there in the world-wide web that knows what I can do to get help because I don't know if I can do this alone.


(Ps. We are her only family and have no other relatives to help us with either her or our children. My husband is still in the military and will not be able to help. Cannot claim her as a dependant on Tricare...we tried.)

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Even if you are not a member of any area churches, please contact their offices/ministers and ask for help. I would start with churches that already have community outreach programs. They may be able to offer someone to sit with MIL for respite so you can get out of house with your kids, childcare, diapers and other childcare supplies, or including your children in church activities. As a child I loved attending the Sunday night youth groups and their picnics. The grandkids loved the Sunday morning nursery.

Are there any church run daycares in your area? Our church provides nearly free ($1 per family per week) and reduced day care services for those in the community in need.

A lot of food pantries offer childcare supplies too.
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Reply to TNtechie
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I am a bit confused. Perhaps I did not read correctly. If she is not qualifying for Medicaid, I would guess its because she has too many financial assets? If that is the case, cant she use those financial assets to go to a SNF or assisted living? Eventually she will spend down to the point she does qualify for Medicaid assistance. It is unfair to put this burden on you with your own conditions.
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Reply to Karsten
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I don't know if I can help but will share what I've learned about the VA, as I think that's probably your best source.    My father was a vet, so I'm coming from that perspective.   I don't know of all the resources available for an active duty military man, but do have a few suggestions.

Have you contacted any social workers at VA hospitals to see if she would get any kind of coverage as a mother of an active duty soldier?   

I do know that there's a program extending care to caregivers; I don't have all the info at my fingertips, but I did get some good info from them.  At the time I called, they also had some type of interactive program during which caregivers could participate in discussions and raise issues.

If she can get medical assistance but needs to first register for health care, try the VFW or American Legion.   AL helped us.    Let one of the service organizations help accelerate the process for you.

W/o checking my notes, I don't recall if the VA extends care for private hospice programs, but best recollection is that it does.   MIL would have to qualify first, but given that hospice has been recommended, a social worker might be able to help push through qualification papers.  

If she qualifies, I learned that the VA does provide some funding for private duty care, which would otherwise be out-of-pocket for non military people.   That might at least give you some relief.

You probably know this better than I, but it's my understanding that the JAG Corps handles some estate planning, so I would ask your husband's service's JAG office and find out if that EP extends to end of life planning and financial support.

Also, if she qualifies, and if I recall correctly, the VA does have some hospice facilities.  

Aren't there also service specific groups that help military families in need?    I don't recall their specific designations, but it was my understanding that they helped intervene in family crises or lesser level issues.

Given that you're in the heart of a military area, and assuming that you're getting VA care since you  mentioned that you're disabled,  I think I would first contact my social worker and ask for some guidance.  Even if he/she can't help you, there might be other resources.

I wish I had more to offer, and if I think of anything else I'll let you know.    I do hope you can at least get some information to help guide you to other resources, after first determining what else might be available to the mother of an active duty soldier.   

Update:

Did a quick search and learned that dependent parents of a Vet can qualify, the criteria apparently being how dependence of the parent is determined, and meeting those standards.

This might help:
https://www.va.gov/opa/persona/caregiver_family.asp

Caregiver support (this might help in determining whether or not MIL can get assistance):   https://www.caregiver.va.gov/Care_Caregivers.asp, or at least provide info on what help you can get for yourself as a caregiver.

VA Hospice and Palliative Care Program:   https://www.va.gov/GERIATRICS/Guide/LongTermCare/Palliative_Care.asp

I didn't find the answers I was looking for at this site, but it might be good as a starting portal to move through the VA website and find out first whether or not she can qualify for assistance.   If not, then focus on assistance for you.

https://www.va.gov/GERIATRICS/Guide/LongTermCare/Home_and_Community_Based_Services.asp

By any chance was her husband a Vet?

Wish I had more to suggest.   Please let us know if you find any good sources to help you, and good luck.
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Reply to GardenArtist
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Get Hospice in. They will evaluate to see if she meets their criteria. Her Depends will be covered, her meds and other things. You can get an aide to bath her. A nurse will come every few days. Ask her Dr. if there is something to help her sleep. And please hide anything she could use to hurt herself or ur family. Medicaid may help with homecare? Call ur office of aging to see what services they provide. If on Medicare then she gets SS. Don't feel guilty about using her money for her care.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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