My Mom will come live with us next week ….she is 88 and not well. My younger brother and his wife work and my sister lives away. We our re doing our house for mom so she can have some of her own space. My question is siblings are handing out lots of advice but do very little to help get things ready or help give my husband some time out...I just spent 4 months caring for my Dad at my parent's home day and night while my husband cared for our 2 teen grandsons who live with us...My sister stayed away and my brother only stopped by on the weekends....So I know I should not expect a lot again, but how much say should they have in my home when Mom comes?

Honestly, like others have said, you don't need to listen to anyone. Do what you know is right and all will be good. My husband and I are the caregivers for my mother in our home. We have taken care of her and my father prior to his passing from Alzheimer's five years ago. While I have three brothers, only one is worth his salt and comes in from out of town to help a couple of times a year. In the spring, my husband and I took a Disney Cruise with our kids and grandkids. My "good brother" offered to come and stay with Mom while we were gone and we eagerly took him up on the offer. I just learned two days ago that another SIL was upset we went on a cruise with Mom being bedridden and tried to corner my good brother in talk about her care! (He shut her down within seconds.) I informed my SIL yesterday that I will not now, nor will ever, apologize for taking time with our family as long as Mom is in good hands. I also informed her that while she may think she knows what happens in the house with her 30 minute monthly visits, she does not. I also had to firmly ask that if she has any questions about Mom's care that she come to me, not go behind my back and try to stir things up. This Coming to Jesus Party must have made an impact because she called yesterday to offer to stay a night a week with Mom so we can get a full night's sleep. (Medication every 4 hours = little sleep).

We have to keep in mind that while people talk, they often do not mean to be malicious. My SIL is a good person with good intentions, but she overstepped in my mind. Your family members may, or most likely will, do the same. Just keep in mind what you do and if you can sleep at night without a conscious, you are good. You are there and see what needs to be done. Others do not see the big picture, only snapshots.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to anonymous818174
JColl7 Jul 31, 2018
I love your answer. Good for you to shut down that foolishness quickly and directly. Family members always have so much advice and criticism not knowing what you go through and do on a daily basis when you’re caregiving....and a SIL to boot!!! I say it is best to nip it in the bud to avoid future situations from arising.
How much say should your siblings have? None. They have proved their willingness to help with your parents and you owe them no explanations or anything else on how you care for your mother in your home. If they want to offer up advice, let it go in one ear and out the other. If they come up with anything useful, great. Otherwise, say something neutral like "that could work" and move on. If you want to get more assertive, say something like "that could work, but what would really help is..."
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Reply to debbye

First I'd like to know what kind of vitamins you and hubby take. Him caring for TWO teenaged BOYS alone. Cooking, cleaning, dishes, outings, schoolwork & events, laundry, shopping etc... WOO!

Whilst you were living elsewhere giving 7/24 care to your sick dad. NO doubt running back and forth helping hubby!

Now preparing your house to bring Mother home to care for her, advanced in age and sick. Yeah, I want what you're taking. 😁

But since this kind of selflessness and energy doesn't come in a bottle, it can only come from the heart.

I know from my own experience, when I'm not helping pull the load, I'd blow in and give lots of lip service, suggestions, assessments, ask why you're doing this , not doing that, blah blah blah,
(oh, and expect a fresh cup of coffee, two equals and skim milk, please Dear)
just to make myself feel I'm helping.

Then leave without a hair out of place, a chip on my manicure, and, heaven forbid, never broke the slightest of sweat.

So to answer your question, if someone is not there to do some laundry, take the boys to a ballgame/outing, help with homework, school projects, cook meals to freeze, wash down the bathroom , teach the kids to change a tire or oil, cut the grass, clean Mother's bum, go shopping, etc...then they have NO SAY IN YOUR HOME!

Bless you for all you do. Your family is lucky to have you guys. 😇🙄
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Reply to Pepsee

Very little or none.
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Reply to anonymous439773

Your siblings do not really want to hear what I have to say. I am the primary caretaker for my husband's elderly aunt. She never married and has no children. There are 52 nieces and nephews of which 48 of them live in the same area as us. Not one goes to visit her or take her out to lunch and the sad part of it all is that they are RETIRED! My husband and I both own our own businesses and have 4 adult children and 5 grandchildren. So, I do not think that anyone has a say in anything that goes on in your home unless it is a safety issue. My husband's brother attempted to get into her finances and accused us of using her money for personal gain. He has not once attempted to help. Needless to say, I opened the books and asked him if he was willing to shell out some of the $25,000 we put into her care prior to her getting medicaid approved. You have to answer to no one but your husband and your mother and your teenage grandkids in order to make this move workable for all of YOU. I will be praying for the best for you.....and kudos to you, my aunt was NOT able to live with us due to her inability to not smoke in our home.....that is why she is in assisted living........
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to jbclync

I'm in the same situation. No one who is not providing care is any longer entitled to input. Neither of my sibs do anything to help. My brother doesn't try to interfere, but my sister is FULL of advice. I do not want her advice. I am definitely NOT trying to be the martyr and I do NOT "want" control -- I have simply learned over the years that they do nothing to help and my sister's advice is not helpful. She's just bossy. Your sibs should have no say. If my sibs were really trying to help I would welcome it.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Teri4077

I have a cute sign hanging in the kitchen:
"Bed & Breakfast"
"You make both".
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Sendhelp

Your siblings should have no say in your home - whether your mother lives there with you or not your siblings are only guests. They _should_ be willing to help with your mother's care (under your direction since you are accepting day to day responsibility) and visit her regularly. I recommend you make your decisions on what works best for your family with limited consideration for your siblings advice when it doesn't seem helpful.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to TNtechie

First, I want to tell you that you & your husband are good people. But you will ALWAYS hear this. There could be 10 children, but it will end up only ONE who ha to do everything. I went through it, we all will.
I wouldn't even bother calling them with updates, let them call, or come & visit
I want to tell you something. That as her sole caretaker, YOU are entitled to be paid by the State. If her husband was a veteran, your Mom is also entitled to not only help, but she will actually receive more money each month.
This happened in our family just recently. The VA took a lot of time, but the amount I money that they paid her, and it was retroactive back from when we first started.
We actually found out accidentally. They will NEVER tell you.So, if you get a check from the state and your Mom gets that extra money, ask your friend about hiring an aid,( off the books) like a sitter where you can have a date night with your husband.
I WOULD NOT mention this to your siblings. They won't help, they don't need to know.
May God Bless you and your family
May God bless you
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Pepsi46

None! My sister contributes nothing but advice. She does not visit or invite mom over to her house. So I take none of her suggestions and shut down her smug satisfaction that mom can be difficult. It’s a tough job. I tell myself every day I’ll be glad I did this when she’s gone.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Tluther

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