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Mom is 83 and basically unable to care for her self. I have caregivers 3 hours everyday (as much as my parents and I can afford). Mom gets visiting nursing, PT weekly. My Dad is 82, and becoming increasingly frail. He also continues to drink and smoke, and refuses to tell me about any medical conditions he might have. So...when he becomes very ill, or dies...what should I being doing now to take care of Mom? I’m the only child available locally, and the other sib is not very interested in the subject. I have 2 young adult kids, but they really could just be “babysitters” for Mom.


Is is the answer to prearrange respite care at a facility, knowing that she would be relocating which is stressful enough on top of potentially going through the trial of losing her husband and a funeral? I’m trying to prepare, but I’m so worried!

I’m so sorry to have not updated my profile. My Mom is back at the apartment she shares with my father.
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cmagnum Jul 30, 2018
Sorry, but it sounds like she needs to go back to the nursing home. Why was she brought home?
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Is bed bound mom in a nursing home?

The profile has been changed.
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Rocketjcat,

Go to her page and click on mother and you will see that she is in a nursing home.

https://www.agingcare.com/members/oldmol
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Oldmol Jul 30, 2018
My Mom has been in nursing rehab, where she was discharged after her Medicare ran out and a week in a residential nursing home that she completely hated. My Dad and I were able to afford 3 hours of caregivers daily and it works for the most part. Lately she has been hospitalized with a GI bleed, then discharge to nursing rehab and discharge home with Medicare paying visiting nursing, PT, and OT.
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Oldmol, I’m sorry you’re faced with this. If Dad does go to the hospital, I would use the caregivers already on board. Have you gotten any insurance help with paying for the caregivers? I would visit Dad in the hospital during those 3 hours. That’s really enough time. We have family who “sits vigil” at the bedside of hospitalized ones even if they’re not on their deathbeds but that’s really not necessary. You could force the issue with Sib and say, “Hey, these are YOUR parents, too!” But, that doesn’t always work and is oftimes easier said than done. In the event of a funeral, the sib should be there too so you’d need a caregiver full time for that day. Maybe that’s when you could ask the young adults. But please don’t call them “babysitters” to Mom. Could Mom go with you when you visit Dad? I know a wake and funeral can be exhausting for healthy people, but she may want to be there part of the time. If the YA caregivers can handle transporting her, maybe you could rely on them. How about family friends? When they offer help, tell them what you need.

Its difficult to arrange for respite care and expect them to hold a room “just in case” for some undefined time. Perhaps a private caregiver (one who doesn’t work for an agency) might work. They might agree to be on-call.
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Investigate respite facilities in your area and use them now, don't wait for the disaster to happen. When I was invited to a destination wedding I found a local facility and took mom there for a trial run - it was a disaster but I was nearby and it proved to be a great learning experience in how to be proactive and ensure her needs were met when I actually needed to leave.
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Reply to cwillie
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Your profile says that your mother is in a nursing home. Thus, I don't understand your question about what to do with her when your dad goes to the hospital or dies.
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rocketjcat Jul 29, 2018
Where do you read that the Mom is in a NH? Just wondering if I need to look in other places for info.
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