A year ago, my 87-year-old mother called me upset asking if she can come live with me because of hostility in her sister’s place where she was living. What can I say? Couldn’t say no. I talked to my family members (my sister and aunt) that were taking care of her. They told me see gets around good and can care for herself. So, she flew 1,500 miles to move in with me. When she got here, I found out she needed nearly constant care. She could clean and dress herself, but that was it. She has issues falling and early onset dementia. We also found out the reason she was experiencing “hostility” when living with her sister and her daughter. She’s very self-centered, argumentative, and unwilling to do anything that can help herself. She refuses physical therapy or exercise. She doesn’t want to use her walker. When she has any health issue, she wants an ambulance to take her to the hospital immediately. When there she can be very uncooperative with the staff and in an hour wants out because she’s being “mistreated”. I love her. She’s, my mom. But I don’t like her. (Does that make sense). She’s not the same person that raised me. My poor wife has her all day every day. I get a break because I am still employed full time. She’s getting very close to having a mental meltdown, which causes me to have anxiety all day and nighttime panic attacks. We hold back these feelings and treat her with love and respect. Hugs and kisses. But it’s getting hard, and I don’t like the person I’m becoming. Every day when I get home from work, I must sit in the driveway and do some deep breathing exercises because I’m unsure what I’ll be walking into. I’m really pi**ed at my family that was her caregiver before. I feel I was misled. It’s like they wanted out at any cost. Here it’s just my wife and me. Back there, there was at least a dozen family members to help when needed. Vent Complete.
Dementia and age makes them such a pain, they act like what we call Senior Brats. You have your hands full, and aren't going to last much longer at this rate. So now would be a good time to start looking for a place for Mom to move next. She's already worn out her welcome with her sister...so you will be next.
Sounds like Mom is spoiled, stubborn, selfish and not going to change her ways. When you move into someone's life and household, you need to be much more accommodating! Does she help around the house? Pay monthly rent? Contribute money for food, cook meals, do dishes or laundry? Or has your wife become a Caregiver Slave? Working full time, your spare time all goes to your Mom now.
You know this isn't going to work in the long run. I can guess Mom isn't going to cooperate, either. She is running your house now by her stubborness! You have your best years ahead, which will be taken by your Mom. In the meantime, you both are going to have to stop holding it all in, before you snap like twigs! You need to get some boundaries set and some plans made.
A few key points to consider:
-Mom is living in YOUR home. She doesn't own it, YOU DO. You run the show in your home, not your Mom. He/she who pays RUNS THE SHOW.
-You made vows to your wife, not your Mom. You are doing Mom a huge favor and it should be appreciated EVERY DAY, by a show of full cooperation.
-You are not a young boy who follows Mom's orders anymore.
-Her dementia is going to only get worse. This is why Mom is stubborn, and only cares about herself. She will eventually refuse to bathe and become incontinent. She will create trouble constantly, as she'll need 24/7 care, which you cannot provide (if you ever want to sleep 8 hours again).
-You did not cause her to get old and sick, it's not your fault.
-This current arrangement is not sustainable and creates major stress.
I just got my ex husband out after 3 years (that was supposed to be 3 months). My blood pressure dropped from 140 to 114 the first week. Having this stress in your life will impact your health, trust me. Start working on a plan to get Mom in Assisted Living, if not ship her back to sister! She needs more care than you can provide! You or your wife are not trained medical professionals.
We have a smart lady here who a has a great saying....
"Nothing gets a senior into a nursing home faster than being stubborn."
Take your wonderful, patient wife somewhere for the weekend and get some quality time together! I wish you strength, patience and luck moving forward.
While you wait for the paint to dry I would sit Mom down and tell her that you have made a great mistake in thinking that the three (?) of you can live together. That it isn't working. And you will have to tell her what her options are and when she will need to move on to them. Small efficiency nearby and hiring her own help? Nursing home? You will have to work together now to get out of a situation that isn't sustainable.
When you write that you are venting it does suggest that you see no way out.
There are ways out and you are all adults. But they won't be easy, and they will require grief and tears. This is one difficult way to learn a hard lesson, and you do serve here to warn others I think.
I am so sorry.
The current issue is that this is not a sustainable situation. This is UTTERLY unfair to your wife. Please find an alternate solution.
She needs to go into LTC. It sounds as though you and your wife have each other’s backs, and that will make it much easier as you deal with the protests that will likely ensue.
Yes, I can understand that you love her, but don’t particularly like her: she sounds entitled and self-centered.
After a suitable placement is found, and she moves out, you’ll be glad that you took this step.
You were misled by your family and deserve to have your lives back. Not liking the person who you’re becoming is an existential cue that this situation needs to change.
I think since she's living with you, however, it probably wouldn't be a problem getting her out of your home and into care. Since my aunt was in her own home, it was a bit problematic.
My friend told me he had his mom living with him and he was able to get the ball rolling with moving her into a facility and out of his home. She didn't like it, but he got it done and in no time. He may have been planning and searching for a while.
Put her in assisted living or memory care if she's beyond AL. Look around a bit and find one in your area or near to. Then you tell her plainly that she is no longer going to be living with you. That you will help to move her into a decent place where she'll be looked after and you will visit often. If she wants to remain in your life and have a relationship with you, she goes into AL. If she refuses, you will allow the state to take over and they will place her somewhere against her will. This is what I had to do with my mother. It was either make it work with homecare or it's a nursing home. Living together was not an option.
If your mother is not far advanced in her dementia she should go to AL now because she will be able to acclimate to a new environment. She'll probaby do very well there because she will also get socialization. You won't have to be her social life anymore and that can only be a positive for you.
I've been saying something similar to this to seniors for more than 25 years in the caregiving field.
'Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.'
I hope you have found some solutions to get your Mom placed and your life back to normal. I'd hate for you to stay stuck in this situation with your Mom. It is very unfair to your wife. Your true obligation is to the wife you made vows to, not your Mom.
Don't just accept this disaster, talk to an Elder lawyer and get the ball rolling. They can help you get Mom on Medi-Cal if needed for a decent AL or MC facility.
One year of care slavery is long enough, don't get stuck like I did for 3 years! You may want to get Mom placed closer to the dozen family members 1,500 miles away, than by you. Above all, make sure you use Mom's money, not yours.
I wish you strength and luck to get through this!
Oops! "But - what am I going to do?" Cry cry cry. "I changed your diapers, the least you can do is change mine!" Cry cry cry. "I'll will you my house if you'll move in with me, caregive me for the next 20 years, and clean up after my 4 incontinent dogs!" Cry cry cry.
It's like all elderly parents must have stopped off at the brain store when their brains started to fail and got implanted with a microchip that overentitles them to end-of-life care from their children and grandchildren, who never expected to have to give up their lives because mom and dad didn't plan for their old age.
Butch. Your mom belongs in a facility. She'll have 24/7 care, entertainment, and plenty of company. I'm almost out the door right now to visit my beloved husband in his memory care place. He is happy and content there. I hope to see you in the comfortable cozy lobby picking up a registration packet that will help you get your mom into the care she needs. We're having a 4th of July celebration, and maybe she can join us in the parade and balloon toss. She can join us at my husband's table.
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