Burnout is affecting my husband and myself. What's my next step?
We have had three years of two parents passing, sibling issues, pets passing, inheriting tons of worthless mess, and mom having a stroke unable to speak.
This was three years ago it all started suddenly. She is in an assisted living and is partially independent, needs assistance standing and such. She had a right side stroke so the left brain is affected. Recently she had a UTI which put her in the hospital for 10 days and now is at a rehab facility receiving the rest of her IV meds there for 14 more days. The change turned her into a crying baby with being moved and routine changes. She was ok while I was gone apparently, and cries when I’m there over all that isn’t the same like brushing her teeth or getting her hair done. All small things. After 12 days solid, I reached the point I became sick from nerves and told her I had to go home. She was in good hands and basically to suck it up, it wasn’t forever.
My husband has had enough as well. Over three years he sees the change in me and our home life, relationship and my health. I have a friend who goes to work with her besides me through the week thankfully and has offered to take extra time off me. I feel like I could go a month easy and be fine not seeing her. Just to be there makes me nauseaous. Terrible but true. Never thought I’d hit this point but when my husband has turned all the blame of life and happenings into her not taking Meds and having a stroke causing the trickle down effect it has, it’s a reality check. We are all sick of the whole thing. There’s not enough off days to make me give a crap. I love mom, but empty. She’s drained me for all I have now and trying to suck the last of life out of me and she doesn’t even understand because she can’t put herself in others’ place anymore.
What's my next steps? I will not sacrifice my marriage for her like I did my childhood protecting her from an abusive husband.
7 Answers
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Your first next step is to decide firmly that you are having the rest of this week off. Telephone the rehab facility once a day, or twice if you must, just to send your love and check in; but do not go.
Eat properly, sleep properly, and breathe properly. Any further thinking and planning must wait until you have had this urgent little break. Just get some rest.
I cant say I don’t dread it though. I will have to lean on her a bit and my Pepsid tablets, but then the weekend is mine and the husbands.
When she returns, things will be different for me. Ha will have her routine back but I won’t be going near like I was.
Hos mom passed in January and he’s to his limit on bad things. He feels life is spiraling out of control. I will give my VA counceller a ring to see when she can see us. I think it may help him not focus so close on our world.
I sense an inner conflict in you. You have protected and defended your mother all your life and she has allowed you and encouraged you to do it. Was it right for her to stay in an abusvie marriage and expose her child(den) to it as well? Of course not. It has affected you all your life. You feel you still need to do it. It’s ok now to let go. Facilities aren’t cheap for a reason. Mom has around the clock care now. You have permission to do what YOU want. You can be there for her on your own terms. She will be cared for.
Your husband is your first responsibility now. He needs you. You love this man and he is in a world of pain and tired of sharing you. Focus on helping him mourn and heal. If you are up to it, perhaps rescue another dog or cat. They can heal hearts and give you something to concentrate on.
Maintain your resolve to take back your own life. And come back here to let us know how it’s going.
You should definitely not sacrifice your life or your marriage. It's okay to limit the time you spend with mom and help monitor her care from a distance sometimes too. I've had to do this with mine, as she suffers from cognitive impairment and mental illness and it is at times very draining.
Hugs, stay in touch here and let us know how you're doing.
Unlike you I am retired but...at 64 I babysat my infant Gson until he was 20 months when I had to take Mom in. Then it was 24/7 for thenext 20 months. I found I am not a caregiver. No patience and no strength. I also had a hard time with the neediness and being the one she took things out on when I am the only child who stayed close by and did for her and Dad. Mom was a sweet lady and easy to care for unlike some on this forum. Its me that has cleaned out the house. 60yrs of junk. I have a disabled nephew that Mom took in and then had me do it all for SS and Medicaid. At 80 it all overwhelmed her. Things are starting to calm down. I can sort of see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I am tired. I have been retired 7 years and five of that doing for everyone else. I am now 69 my husband 71.
I think therapy would be good. It may help put your priorities in order. I wouldn't try to work until you get everything in order. A new job can be stressful in its own right. You will need to set boundries for u and Mom.
Please come back and tell us how things work out.
She is manipulating you and since she trained you as a child to buy into her "poor me" bs you are having a hard time breaking the tie.
It is okay to make your husband your 1st priority, your children and grandchildren (if applicable) and yourself top priority and if there is time or she has a need only you can fulfill them, give her time. She is not entitled to your life, PERIOD.
Llisten to your husband, he knows you and he knows her and how she treats you. We all have freewill to make choices, choices have consequences. She is now dealing with that reality- bad choices = bad consequences.
I know from all I have learned here and through my personal journey that I now try to make better choices, I can imagine that all of us here do. I think that it is really hard for a self centered, selfish person to actually take responsibility for their choices, that doesn't mean that their kids have to, refuse to be her scratching post and go enjoy your husband.
I know some of the reason she didn’t take her meds was Dad manipulating her and telling her the heart meds were making her act strange and such. At that time she was actually having TIAs so it wasn’t the meds. She did have issues with her blood pressure meds making her BP too low like it is now, but the doctor is changing that before she leaves rehab.
I guess part of it is me feeling sorry for her as an elderly person being limited so much when she was such an energetic person. I wish she could have so many years given back, but she chose to stay with Dad and his meanness. I stuck around until I knew she wouldn’t stop putting him first before me in everything and would never leave. (Not meaning in a self centered way, but supported all the bad decision in raising me and didn’t stand up for me to speak of.) She knew exactly what the dangers were of not taking the Afib meds and the doctor told her as well. She said she would deal with it if anything ever happened. Sucks for her but we are the ones handling everything for her. She’s not dealing with any of that. Seems like that whole thing was a cop out on her part.
Sonce her stroke, it has made me decide to have neck ultrasounds and a brain scan for any abnormalities as well as changes in eating and checks in my meds all through the year.
I was going 3-4 days to help exercise her. I plan to do 2 days during the week and be home when the husband is home on weekends. A friend of mine that helps with her will be able to do 2-3 days as she chooses and everyone hugs and babies her at her place anyway.
It only took until the third day and everyone in the rehab was hugging and loving on her. They have never seen the other side. Lol
Through that she’s still being a blessing even though she can’t cook food or make jellies for people. Who knows what all she’s learned in this 3 years. This is the main reason I had wished her speech had kicked in, but there’s a reason I’m sure.
we could have had some good arguments to get out our feelings, but I guess we get to deal with them in other ways.
That is really great news for you and her.
I know how hard it is when our parents let us know as children that we didn't really matter as much as "other" things/people.
That is where personal boundaries are life savers. Of course we feel bad, who really wants anyone they know to get old and feeble and frail, some giant jerk.
Unfortunately, it is what happens, getting old beats the pants off the alternative, but it is not for sissies😁.
I am so glad that you have a plan to see her and take care of your marriage, happy wife, happy life! Your husband will be so happy.
You are a great daughter, doing a good job in a tough situation. Keep up the good work and don't own the guilt.
Hugs!