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I don't want to spend so much time being angry. I try to remember my parents are old and brains don't work the same any longer...but I find myself losing patience and getting angry.

Bythegrace, we don’t advocate abandonment here, but we all believe in self-preservation. Go to the nearest park bench, house of God, library, whatever place is quietest and think about what you need to do. And it’s not what you’re doing now. Have a convo with your brother and decide what you can do. You don’t want to stick him with being their sole caregiver, but you can’t continue to live.like this. Call your local Area Agency on Aging Office and fine out what you can do to get out. If your father abuses an in-home Care worker, they will call APS. Neither your brother nor you should take on the job of 24/7 caregiving for them. Research Medicaid and apply on their behalf. Check out Assisted Living. If they refuse, well you did all you could. Wave goodbye in the rear view mirror.
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" Also, while caring for my parents, I had hip implant in 2010 and surgeon cut my sciatic nerve leaving me paralyzed in my lower leg and "foot drop". I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer in 2014; bilateral mastectomy in Jan 2015 in which the surgeon left a "bleeder" and I lost 3 units blood, had to return to surgery the following morning after blood transfusion, then another surgery in 2016 to remove the heavy scarring due to having to open me up again after bleeder. I had knee replacement in 6/2017 which (thank God) went perfect. I had rotator cuff repair in 10/2017 and all of the repair tore loose on day 5 post surgery. I continued to care for my mom (and Dad) during all of this. I am used up."

Wow. Then you were abused. Sorry, but that's how I see it. Did your rotator cuff repair tear loose because you were making movements with your arm that you shouldn't have been, because those movements were necessary for your caregiving of your parents?

Are you an only child? You don't HAVE to do this, you know. You really don't. What are your parents' finances? Can they afford help? Do you live with them?

Tell us more, and we'll help your formulate a plan that will result in your freedom.
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BytheGr8ce Aug 28, 2018
I did live w/them for 1 1/2 yr (2015-2017) left my home sit empty till my younger brother moved in while he sold his home. (so now that put him about 3 minutes away instead of 15 and still no help) I left my parents home because my Dad was verbally abusive. I cried almost daily. Mom had the nerve to tell me "you're really not here when I need you and I didn't get out of this what I thought I would". That was it. I told her "you're right; you're always right"-packed my stuff; called the movers and LEFT! But now they want all the care they were getting when I lived there and I have said "no." I help still; but not like before. A lot of things go undone ;but oh well. Nothing really life threatening. My parents did not make financial plans for their elder years and so no money other than to live on. My Dad would not let anyone in the home because abusive. No one would put up with it. There were 5 of us kids-but my middle brother and my only sister died. (2005 & 2017) My younger brother never helped until he retired in 2016 and now he does; so that has given me some freedom. He has come in fresh so he can't understand why I get so worked up; but after 12 years of it , I am no longer "fresh". The only real end in site is when they both pass away.
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You may want to check out services with the Office of aging.
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JoAnn29 Aug 27, 2018
And other services to have a list ready for Mom and Dad.
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Boarders, that is what members are going to tell you. Even if no Dementia I think the mind goes a little. You can't allow this behaviour. Don't do it in a fit of anger, be calm. Tell them you will no longer take their nastiness. You are doing your best by them. If its not enough then they can pay caregivers to do what you do at $20 an hour. If they want your help, then the nastiness has to stop. If it doesn't you will walk away and not return. Stick by it. There r services out there they can get.
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I do feel for you. I haven't had too much from my parents yet, but, I did with my cousin who has dementia. It was honestly so stressful that it caused me extreme emotional distress. I actually got sick and suffered from a number of health issues after awhile. It took a toll on my body. It was mainly due to her resisting care. As a result, I decided that I'm not going to do it again. Not even for my parents. I'll offer and try to help, make suggestions, volunteer my time, etc., but, if they resist, I'm not going to go on and on about it.

I've decided that if they are too resistant and not competent, I'll just use the DPOA and get it done. I won't inquire, beg or plead. I'll just take care of stuff. If they are competent, I'll let them on their own and tell them not to call me, but, one of my other siblings in case of need. I'm just not playing that game. And, if fact, I'm going to be moving to an adjacent county and not be around to see them struggle, while refusing help. I feel it's right to use reason and if they don't, I won't be tortured by it.

I hope you can find some peace and don't have to be angry. It can eat you up.
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BytheGr8ce Aug 28, 2018
It has eaten me up. I am sad so much of the time. I worked a total of 50 years to get to my retirement from the military and civil service. I had plans of traveling on my motorcycle, camping , fishing... none of which I have done because my mom got so sick in 2006. I finally just gave my motorcycle to a friend. Also, while caring for my parents, I had hip implant in 2010 and surgeon cut my sciatic nerve leaving me paralyzed in my lower leg and "foot drop". I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer in 2014; bilateral mastectomy in Jan 2015 in which the surgeon left a "bleeder" and I lost 3 units blood, had to return to surgery the following morning after blood transfusion, then another surgery in 2016 to remove the heavy scarring due to having to open me up again after bleeder. I had knee replacement in 6/2017 which (thank God) went perfect. I had rotator cuff repair in 10/2017 and all of the repair tore loose on day 5 post surgery. I continued to care for my mom (and Dad) during all of this. I am used up.
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Thank you for being kind and understanding. I hope you never have to experience this....wished no one would have to.
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Most of the posts on situations like this recommend a range of options like these:-
Accept that they are unhappy with the way things are going for them, don’t know what to do about it, and blame the closest person. Ignore it.
Deflect the conversation onto something that might interest them.
Wear ear plugs or ear buds and listen to music while you are there.
Keep your visits short and leave if they get nasty.
Tell them that you will leave if they don’t stop criticising and complaining, and do it repeatedly until they get the message.
Get the family together on the topic, so that other family members know what you are doing for them and know that the criticisms of you aren’t likely to be true. Don’t believe your parents’ criticisms of other family members either.

I am sure that you will get a lot of people with very similar experiences giving you their sympathy and other suggestions, and I am so glad that I haven’t had to go through this one myself.
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