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Why do my mother's worst problems seem to only begin at night? 2-3 am is usually my final wake up call, but I am up all through the night.


I am 67 myself, disabled with degenerative disc disease as she is. at times she is dead weight to get her on her bedside toilet. I have started finding her only when she has stripped off her diaper and the bed is soaked and/or soiled. Other times she calls me, but sometimes she doesn't remember I am there to help, so she tries to get up despite being in a hospital bed with the rails up.


I can never leave her alone and hospice is limited in when they can be here for us. I/we have some money, but it would soon be gone paying the rates asked for caregivers to come enough to give me some relief. I WILL NOT send her to LTC.


Any advice? I'm at the end of my rope and she has very aggressive cancer, so it will only get worse.

You stop us at the starting gate with "I will not send her to LTC".
You ask us why these problems are worse at night, but that's hardly the question here.
The question comes down to this:
"What can be done when very ill people are being cared for by someone who is herself ill and overwhelmed".
The answer comes down to money and the hiring of help.
And if there is no money, in all truth, when there is the pre-stipulation that LTC won't happen, there IS NO ANSWER AT ALL.

I am sorry to be so blunt, but this isn't sustainable. I think you understand that.
Your loved one is in need now of several shifts of several caregivers each shift.
I wish you the very best, and would love to have any answer that can help you. I hope others are more adequate to your question than I am.
Helpful Answer (25)
Reply to AlvaDeer
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Dharma1969 May 25, 2025
I agree Alva
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I am close to your age, and am this very week recovering from painful back spasms. If you keep this up you will one night find yourself on the bathroom floor screaming in pain, likely having also dropped your mother.

How long until someone can get into the house to find you there? I’m not creating a fantasy scenario here. My sister, at your age and with exactly those same kind of back problems, ended up on her bedroom floor in the middle of the night when trying to get to the bathroom. She had insisted she could do it all alone, by herself, and wouldn’t let anyone help.

She almost died on that floor, spending three days lying there in misery, unable to get to a phone. A neighbor finally saw newspapers piling up and looked through a window to see her. She never walked again, and recently died through doing the same sort of “I can do it all alone without long term care!” Adults have the right to make their own choices, no matter how bad those choices are.

Reread Alva’s comment again carefully. She is correct.
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Reply to Goddatter
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Talk to hospice and see if they have a facility for this type of situation.

I know you are adamant you won't send your mom somewhere, but the situation as you describe it is not sustainable. She will only get worse and need more care, and you are already at wit's end.
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Reply to JRwornout
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Dress mother in anti strip night clothing with an overnight Depends, Medline Extrasorb chucks underneath her on the bed, and hope for the best I guess. These items can be found on Amazon. Change her in bed from now on and get rid of the commode. Unless you'd like to be hospitalized yourself and then mother WILL go to a SNF period.

Good luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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My disabled back {8 herniated disc} would not allow me to lift and care for mom. She is in LTC and she is calmer, happier than in the past. She has “friends”…talks about activities and loves the staff.. Twice, when her Lewy Body dementia, cleared her mind she told me “I like it here”. My biggest fear was not realized. We both are doing so much better…
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Reply to Sadinroanokeva
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You WILL NOT send her to LTC.

Because of that you are doomed to continue as you are until one or both of you dies.

I'm so sorry it's played out this way. Only you can change it.
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Reply to Fawnby
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You need to change your stance on LTC. Not all are hellholes. At this rate, caring for your mom will kill you both, and before even the worst nursing home could.

Mom needs the help you simply cannot keep giving her. Do what is best for her!
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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You will die before she does. What will happen to her then?
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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"I WILL NOT send her to LTC."??

I am very sorry about your mother's situation. Your situation is no longer sustainable. She will have to be placed in long-term care facility, whether you like it or not, or your stress may kill you. Then what happens to your mom? Your own health and safety come first.

That's what long-term care is for, and you yourself may face it someday.

Please be advised that your mother's funds pay for her own care, and do not expect to inherit any money from her. If you mother's funds will soon run out, it's time to contact her county's area of aging counsel with a Medicaid expert for her financial assistance.
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Reply to Patathome01
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Talk to her doctor about medications to help her fall asleep and stay asleep throughout the night.

Be prepared for wet and/or soiled undergarments in the morning. A few things to try to help with this:
1 - Night time incontinence pull-up or diaper with a night time pad inside - to absorb maximum amount of urine.
2 - Pads on the bed to absorb liquid and solid wastes - effort to have less laundry from soiled bed linen.
3 - No food or drink 2 hours before bedtime.
4 - Use potty right before bedtime and encourage her to try to have a poop as well as empty her bladder.
5 - Make sure she is not drinking/eating caffeinated products in afternoon or evening.
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Reply to Taarna
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