Anyone else feel like a slave?

Oh, yes. I told my mother she should have bought a slave instead of having a daughter. Her recent thing is throwing all her trash and water bottles on the floor for her slave to pick up. It feels a lot like contempt. I know she could at least put the bottles on the table, instead of throwing them on the floor. She could actually put them in the garbage, but she is lazy. Lord, help us through this disrespect!

That is some serious disrespect and contempt.
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it is just not some sweet old lady talking.

This behavior must stop because not even a slave deserves that. Hire a housekeeper to come in just for that, instruct the housekeeper in front of your mother to just pick up all the tissues, bottles, empty the trash, and this nice lady here will be paying you today. Then walk away. Be sure to explain to housekeeper that you will be adding a little bonus for hazard pay.

Kootie, you say you call your dad and it stresses you out, and then you say he calls you alot? Stop calling him..LOL let him continue to call you, and let the answering machine handle it, Then call back once a day (if needed) and handle it all at that time if possible? If you are not so readily available maybe he will realize what you are telling him about your and hubs health. He is in a group home, surely they can handle some things? He has you trained to run when he calls.. you need to take back some charge here!
And Jessie,, what sort of trash is she throwing on the floor? nasty smelling stuff or just papery junk? Maybe I would let it lay for awhile ( and I am OCD so I know how hard this could be)... But if she wants to sit around in trash.. so be it. If she gets on your case about the mess,, remind her it's her mess...LOL and if she wants to live in filth you will be glad to relocate to her liveing area, bedroom,, wherever she wants. Since she is sooo attached to it and doesnt think it belongs in the trash can.

I'm not sure what your dad's circumstances are, but my mom is going into the advanced stages of dementia. Obviously she doesn't know any better, but when I am at her house, she treats me like a maid. She will hand me a used tissue and tell me to throw it away or to do this or that. One day I told her that I wasn't her maid but her response was "you're younger than me". I am 64 years old and her dementia has aged me like I can't believe. Now when I get to her house with her dinner every night, I bow down in front of her and ask what "Madame would like". It kind of breaks the tension, and after 2 minutes, when she forgets I do the same thing!

Coralmae,
You are right, advanced stages of dementia the person would not know any better.
Maybe I should have addressed my comment to Jessebelle, whose mother's behavior is imo redeemable.
I know that I don't like to see Jessebelle treated so poorly.

pamzimmrrt, If I don't call at least once or twice a week or go see him, my dad will call me at work even though I told him I can't talk during the work day. I use to go visit on Wednesday after work and on Saturday, my husband and I take him to lunch. I am cutting back on the Wednesday, visit. I use to do it out of guilt that he had no one else, but I've come to realize he takes advantage because I am his daughter. Yes the group home takes care of the cooking, the cleaning, medications, doctors, etc. But I get calls when he needs me to buy him something.

Does your father have dementia?

Coralmae, No he does not have dementia. He has been evaluated several times and he has his mental faculties. He has pretty much been a pain in the behind all his life. My mom use to complain about him and I just thought she wasn't being compassionate enough. Now that she is no longer with us and I am stuck with him, I totally understand her frustration.

I understand your frustration. Seniors tend to have less patience, and it can be stressful too. I'd recommend hiring a caregiver or someone who can be there when you or your sister can't be.

I agree with Pamzimmrtt, you do not have to answer the phone. Even though you've told him not to call and he does it anyway means he doesn't respect your boundaries. The more his behavior gets his desired response the more he will continue to do it. Since he doesn't have dementia and is only calling because he needs you to get something, then there is no emergency. Here is my suggestion...buy him a small pocket size spiral notebook and tell him when he needs something to start a list and add to it. You will call before your Saturday visit and bring him those things then. If you must, type up a list with bullet points to remind him of the new protocol that you've decided upon. Such as: do not call to tell me you need an item, put it on the notebook list, do not call me at work, I will call on Friday to see what you need, we will take you to lunch on Saturday etc.
You should not feel guilty for wanting to have peace of mind and quality of life. You are not there for his every demand. The more you set boundaries the easier it becomes. Bravo that you cut out the Wednesday visit.

All sounds very familiar, my Dad keeps telling me that I do too much and I am always rushing about, when I say he is very much part of the rushing about, he looks at me as if I am speaking alien! When I am 5 minutes late, he texts or calls me, wanting to know where I am! I have posted on here before recently about being torn between so many responsibilities. Today I took in to the GPS, accompanied him shopping, walked his dog and when I carried in the shopping and said I'd see him later, he wanted to know why I was rushing off!
What can you do... sometimes I cry , walk away or answer back . It seems as if they lose any perspective on life but their own. Hope you can reduce your stress. I too dread calling him as it just unleashes more problems to deal with. Take rest when you can and step back.

I know, I know, and I empathize with all of you in this situation. My mother does not have dementia either, but she feels entitled to sit in her chair and be waited on whenever anyone is in the house with her. I have discussed this with her numerous times, as has my sister, but it goes in one ear and out the other. She doesn't want to do anything for herself if she doesn't have to, and she feels entitled due to her age to expect other people to do for her. It's maddening. I try to spend as little time with her as possible to avoid being pressed into "slave" mode. She doesn't "get it", she never will, and the best I can do in the situation is limit my exposure.

ESAcare, My Dad is in a group home, thank God for that. Because of things that were said and done over the years my sisters don't have a good relationship with my dad. So I am stuck as if I was an only child.

I immediately start to try and fix and that is not fair. Haven't walked in any of your shoes, I'm lucky my parents are in their 80's and I have none of this bad behavior. They just need me for transport and help with doctors. I've worked in healthcare for 31 years and run a Health Advocacy business so being their Health Advocate is natural.

I want to make sure everyone knows there is help like the maid suggestion but also eldercare options, like an aid or adult day care. Just like when you get on a plane, and they give the safety presentation about the use of the oxygen masks. Put yours on first then help those around you. My advice take care of yourself first, get them help if needed, then reach out to help if necessary.

I wonder if you ask him to think back to when he was your age, what did his dad ask of him? How often did he run errands or visit them. If he doesn't have dementia he should have recall. I have to do that for myself as I age & our children are around your age w lives of their own. Texting is great for me to keep intouch at certain times since I'm retired & they still work.

Kootiebear, you have described my Dad to a T. He told my sister and I that it was our responsibility to take care of him. He only called when he wanted something. When I went to visit, he would start giving me orders before I even got in the door. I got to the point I dreaded it when he called, so I set boundaries. I only answered the phone once a day. I made a list of his wants, shopped for them once a week & then delivered them that day. I still felt guilty, but I just couldn't handle the constant demands & griping. He was in a very nice AL facility and I knew he was being taken care of. He passed away recently, but I have no regrets about his care. Between the AL facility, my sister & I, he got the best of care & his every need was met. Just not in the way he thought he was entitled to.

My husband is bedridden, only able to feed himself and nothing else. He was in rehab for 4 months and made only minimal progress. I am the only one who cares for him. We were married 43 years ago when most women WERE treated like shaves and expected to be. We were raised that way and so were our mom's.

I am "on duty" all day, every day. If I get angry enough and blow up, he will be "nice" to me for a few hours. The other day he told me I "need to learn to shut up". This is absolutely not how I expected to spend my retirement. I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome plus arthritis so bad in. Y shoulders I can't lift. Y arms above my shoulders. My husband weighs 350 pounds but I have to roll and pull him over, move his medical equipment and change his bed and diapers. I have a health aide once a week, but she is not there to clean up his diarrhea or deal with his verbal abuse.

I am seeing my PCP today, and I am going to ask her to provide the name of a counselor or I will lose it completely.

Know that you cannot be used unless you let yourself be. Dad is safe and cared for and you don't need to supervise him. There is staff for that. You have the opportunity that I don't. You have someone else to watch over Dad while you go on with your business of daily living. Distance yourself as you can from this. Keep in touch with his caregivers and don't worry so much! Good luck!

I agree with Harpcat - that your dad needs a notebook that will stay handy - room for big print, whatever works for him at this stage. And you call and visit on your schedule, twice a week is fine - and when you are there, if other items, put them on the list for next week's list. If there is an answering machine, let him leave an item on that. I don't think negatives work very well, but by emphasizing the plan - OK, good, that's an important item, I'll put it on the list, and I'll bring it on my Tues visit.... you are then refusing, in your mind and actions - to do more than you plan, yet you are positive about what you are doing, and reliable, or apologize if you forget something.

Many people need to allow actions to teach, reinforce the plan, and let the upset sit there, "I'm sorry, I can come on those days, and I'm glad to come. I hope you'll help me to know any items you want by my call on Tues AM."

A great social worker years ago helped me with my disabled brother that I helped to start adulthood. She asked both of us in the presence of each other, how often we each wanted to see each other. I said twice a week, he said every day. "Fine", she said. "Both of you take responsibility for the time you choose: Joe, you call Cassie and ask for anything you need or want; Cassie, you only call Joe the twice a week that you chose, and answer his calls as fits your time otherwise. Fact is, he never called - he just wanted to get me to take care of him as mother used to do - and I stopped feeling responsible for every moment during the week, focused on my time. The issue was to get ME to stop worrying if he got upset, just say, sorry you were worried, here's what I can do - and accept inside, for YOU, that you are doing a great and valuable job.

Every once in a while, there will be an emergency, and it matters to hear those - but don't give in on the phone right away, say, you'll see what you can do. Decide off the phone, and maybe it's, "I'll be there tomorrow instead of Tues" or you can get to know the staff and call and ask them to find someone to get what he wants.

It's a shame if negative attitudes build resentments. Worth it to consider, choose, and affirm often that you're glad to be in touch. Start your own list of names and numbers of whom to call if you can't do something soon. If you know you are paying steady attention, you are doing your best, and letting them fuss if you stick to a plan. They gradually come round!

I'll tell you how I handled an elderly friend who became like this as I just didn't cater to him or I took my own sweet time getting to whatever he wanted. He expected others to jump and run to meet his demands, and I can tell you, just don't do whatever it is he want you to do as long as he demands. If he's demanding let's say over a glass of water, just don't get it as long as he's being demanding, make him get it himself because he'll get thirsty enough to get it himself. No matter his demand, just don't cater to him as long as he's being demanding. Even my elderly friends home health aide complained about this behavior and I told her how to handle it. You couldn't have these kinds of talks in front of him, you had to do it behind his back. Just don't cater to him. If he was in a care facility and constantly running his buzzer, they would soon find out about this kind of behavior, they're trained to know how to deal with it. Reality would hit hard in the facility because many times they're understaffed or busy with other patients. I would say get busy with other stuff and stay busy. Whenever this patient starts barking orders, don't listen, just keep at whatever task you're doing and continue doing whatever you're doing. Just don't drop what you're doing to cater to him as long as he's barking orders, just ignore him. That's what I had to end up doing with my elderly friend until he realized he wasn't getting nowhere with me. 

No one is entitled to nothing just because of age. Warned him that if he doesn't start taking responsibility he'll end up in a care facility where no one will come running at his every call. I would put him in and understaffed facility let him see just how busy they really are with other patients. When reality hits, only then will he see just how busy people really are and he may actually start learning patience. 
Years ago I knew someone who was in a local nursing home, she was transferred here at her request from a neighboring town. When she got here and I went to visit her, I was actually very surprised at how long it took the staff to get  each and every patient out of bed in the morning. They were understaffed and they had to start going around very early in the morning and tending to each and every patient. They had to start at whatever room they started and slowly work their way around as each patient was gotten out of bed, taken to the bathroom and tended to, dressed and for those in wheelchairs, they were loaded into wheelchairs and taken to the dining area one by one. They could start as early as about 5 AM or however early they felt they needed to start. This was actually a very small wing but I don't recall just how many patients were in this particular wing. Imagine no more than 2 to 4 staff doing all of the chores and then having to feed each and everyone of those patients and tend to their needs at the table. When everyone has eaten, each and every patient was taken either to their rooms or wherever they wanted to go like the TV room. I personally wouldn't like living this kind of life myself, especially if you had to stay in your room most of the time or you couldn't go outside by yourself when you wanted to. Anytime you walk in as a visitor, you immediately feel the sense of a loss of freedom and the presence of death. This can actually make you want to run right back out because it's very depressing to the point you really don't want to be there. Therefore, I really don't blame people who fight against going into these facilities. I have a friend who was  even able to smell a very odd smell when death was in there. Of course they didn't believe her and thought she was looney until 12 hours later, they found one of their patients dead. Yes, that friend can smell death 12 hours before it happens and so can I. When I got to speaking with her mom who is also a friend, it turns out me and her daughter have the same ability but we don't know how to really describe this odd smell, but we can tell you who it's near when we smell it. I really don't think the patient in your care would really want to be in a facility. In order to avoid going to a facility, he really needs to start proving he's able to live independently. If he really wants to keep his freedom and independence and stay home, he needs to take responsibility and start doing stuff for himself. If he really wants something done bad enough then he can just get off his keister and do it himself if it must be now. The next time he gets on you for not doing something right then, you can look him in the face in the eye and tell him, "if you want it done now, get off your lazy butt and do it yourself!" Then walk away. If he already has demands before you get there and even right as you come in the door, I personally would turn right back around and walk right back out that door, slamming it behind me. If I wasn't yet there, he wouldn't get whatever it was he asked for at the store, I would return everything for a refund and I simply wouldn't go to his house. In fact, I would drop off as his caregiver as long as he's acting like this, and I would tell him so as soon as he started asking questions. Just be upfront and honest. Setting boundaries doesn't necessarily mean you don't love the person, you're just simply setting boundaries that should be enforced. If he's going to start barking orders let's say about groceries, I just wouldn't take the groceries to him nor would I even go to the store as long as he's barking orders. If he has to go to the bathroom and is barking orders, make  him take himself to the bathroom if he must go now as many of us who must go now and up taking ourselves. If he wants a bath now, make him do it himself. Whatever it is he's barking orders over, just tell him if he wants it done now to just get off his lazy butt and do it himself, that you're not catering to him as long as he's barking orders at you 

Your dad is safe and cared for in his group home. Let them do the jobs they're being paid to do! As far as calling--cut that back to a few times a week. Ignore his calls if you need to. If he's REALLY having a problem, the home will call you.
By answering all the time, by calling HIM constantly, you are setting yourself up for just the abuse you're getting. I am not judging you, at all. I do the same thing with mother. She only calls me if she's got some awful problem (and they're NEVER awful)....so I am taking a long break from seeing her or calling her. My poor husband--he has been a peach through seeing me deal with my demanding, ungrateful mother--I keep trying to "fix" everything for her, and I suddenly realized, I CANNOT fix anything, b/c she is happy being miserable.

If he gets belligerent or disrespectful, walk away. Just WALK AWAY. This is the ONLY tactic that works with mother, if it even does. She's fine, I am spiraling into depression over her.

OK, when I read the title of the question, I burst out laughing! The answer is a resounding YES!!!!!! I actually say it to my husband all the time that I feel my role is the slave to everyone. To Mom and all her passive aggressive requests, the never ending lists of things I need to get for her, being the house cleaner, the laundress for everyone, the book keeper, medical therapist, the chauffeur, the COOK, the gardener, the animal caretaker (two indoor bengal cats) hmmm, I know I have probably forgotten some others but I just woke up and drinking my coffee. Today is hairdresser day for Mom (which takes a few hours) but it is the only time she is ever out of the house without me so I can breathe for a short time.

I answer the phone at work so unfortunately I can't let it go to voice mail. If he calls my cell during work, I let it go to voice mail. His father died when he was a child and his mom lived out of state so it fell to the sister who lived closed to deal with their aging mom. So he has not walked in my shoes of dealing with an aging parent. Both my sisters have accused him of abandoning his mom. My mom took care of everything when she was alive but I am not my mom and I am not filling in for my mom. My mom use to complain about my dad's behavior after his stroke. I use to think she wasn't being compassionate. Now I totally understand. My husband and I have had many, fights and arguments with my dad about his behavior. It will get better for a while then he returns to his old ways. I have been guilty in the past of trying to jump in and help to take care of things. I've changed that and with him being in the group home, I let the owner deal directly with my dad. She has a way to contact me if there is a problem. I talked to the grief counselor that was offered by hospice after my mom died. We just hit the 13 month mark so services ended. I've attended several grief, and caregiver support groups. It does help to know that I am not the only one dealing with this.

A friend's father who was living with her began to get mean and cranky with her. She told him, "if you're going to start being like this, I'm not sure I can do this anymore ". Well he changed his tune when she said that.
For some of the others who've answered here...one thing I tell myself constantly if "I'm not responsible for my dad, I'm responsible to my dad". Meaning I can't do anything to make him happy or change his attitude. I can order depends, buy things he needs, take him to an appointment. Hope that helps. It has saved me.

I hope I don't sound callous as I have had the same feeling from my mother who is 95 and sometimes still do. Part of my stress is wrapped up in guilt and anxiety about coping with her needs but the only way I know is to set my boundaries, remind myself that I am not being selfish and then stick by them. I am 72 now and was really looking forward to a relaxing retirement but somehow life didn't work out that way. It is possible that some of the calls from your father and my mother are just a way of getting our company and in my mother's situation I know that my brother and I are the only ones who can buy personal care items and occasionally clothes for her. Beyond visiting at reasonable intervals we can cope with, we have to remind my mother that there are activities arranged where she lives and opportunities to interact with others and that we can't provide her sole entertainment if she doesn't choose to attend them. There is no reason we (or anyone) should feel guilt or cater to every whim of our parents but we have to be the ones to establish the our own limits.
There was a very interesting book which, I think, came out in the 1970s about Transactional Analysis. There may even be explanations on the Internet these days, but the main thing is that if our parents are now behaving like 'children' we have to take on the role of 'parents'. In doing so we can take control of the situation by backing away from it and deciding what WE will do to solve the "childish mother or father's" acting out or tantrums. I have to admit that this approach doesn't solve my feelings of guilt and hostility but all the time but I'm getting better at seeing things this way.

You have to stop acting like a slave. When he becomes demanding, you should leave and explain why you are leaving. Trust me that he will stop once he realizes it is counter productive. Using an answering machine is also a good idea. Ignore his calls when they are frivolous.

My dad became very demanding at 84yrs and I sat him down and told him very firmly that it had to stop. He was in the early stage of dementia, and it got increasingly worse, but he calmed down and started doing strange things. In hindsight, he passed on, I would have done so much more had I understood the illness better. I once read from a doctor whose mother had it, that with dementia it is best to let them feel 'free' to do exactly as they please. To them it is activity even when they pull out flowers which they might have themselves planted. They need to roam free and do things. I understand it better now, but if only I knew better then. It is hard trying to help, but it helps to know more about this terrible disease. Go luck !

This is funny because my Mom would run me ragged up and down the stairs. When I would tell her my back went out, she would just say the steps are good for my back. lol

Unfortunately, I cannot attribute who made this statement; but it has helped me immensely:
"Emotions don't just happen to us, we choose them.
Thoughts, emotions and actions are the only things we really do control."

We can't control others' actions or speech, but we can choose to not let them be detrimental or enslaving to us.
This helps us to "place the blame" where it belongs, so to speak. If we allow or invite uncomfortable thoughts, serve unreasonable demands, etc., we need to examine our own motivations and make adjustments in ourselves. If others change their behavior in response, that may be good; but even if they don't, we will have determined our own destiny.
And.....Get plenty of sleep, because you can't think goodly when you're tired!

Is your dad able to get around?  Maybe he or you could hire someone once a week to take him shopping. He may enjoy getting out.

My MIL lives in an assisted living facility - they have shopping trips planned. A bus will come and take them to the local Walmart etc. Not sure if a group home does anything like this, but maybe you can hire someone like visiting angels, etc. Dad can keep his list of what he needs and then the caregiver can take him out shopping. It may turn into something he looks forward to.

If dad isn't mobile, maybe you can still hire someone once a week (or whatever works for you) to run errands for him. I think a lot of seniors are bored and then they have way too much time to think, when the rest of us are crazy busy. It may be a nice change in the monotony of his life.

The group home he is at takes care of all his needs except buying toiletries, clothes. He walks with a walker and has a catheter. They have activities but he does not participate. He is content to eat, watch TV and talk to his roommate. He brags that he has phone numbers of all these people he can call to talk to but does nothing about it. Not even calling his own sister who lives alone out of state. I'm drawing boundaries because I am tired of the dependence. He made decisions that created the life he has now including his decision to sell the house and go into assisted living after my mom died last year.