My 82 year old dad is in a group home. I stress myself out calling and going to see him, but the only time I hear from him is if he needs me to do something. I have 2 older sisters, but they are no help whatsoever so it falls to me and my husband. My dad can be very, very difficult to deal with. He expects us to be at his beck and call. We've told him time and time again we both work, have our own family and have our own health issues.
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it is just not some sweet old lady talking.
This behavior must stop because not even a slave deserves that. Hire a housekeeper to come in just for that, instruct the housekeeper in front of your mother to just pick up all the tissues, bottles, empty the trash, and this nice lady here will be paying you today. Then walk away. Be sure to explain to housekeeper that you will be adding a little bonus for hazard pay.
And Jessie,, what sort of trash is she throwing on the floor? nasty smelling stuff or just papery junk? Maybe I would let it lay for awhile ( and I am OCD so I know how hard this could be)... But if she wants to sit around in trash.. so be it. If she gets on your case about the mess,, remind her it's her mess...LOL and if she wants to live in filth you will be glad to relocate to her liveing area, bedroom,, wherever she wants. Since she is sooo attached to it and doesnt think it belongs in the trash can.
You should not feel guilty for wanting to have peace of mind and quality of life. You are not there for his every demand. The more you set boundaries the easier it becomes. Bravo that you cut out the Wednesday visit.
I am "on duty" all day, every day. If I get angry enough and blow up, he will be "nice" to me for a few hours. The other day he told me I "need to learn to shut up". This is absolutely not how I expected to spend my retirement. I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome plus arthritis so bad in. Y shoulders I can't lift. Y arms above my shoulders. My husband weighs 350 pounds but I have to roll and pull him over, move his medical equipment and change his bed and diapers. I have a health aide once a week, but she is not there to clean up his diarrhea or deal with his verbal abuse.
I am seeing my PCP today, and I am going to ask her to provide the name of a counselor or I will lose it completely.
Know that you cannot be used unless you let yourself be. Dad is safe and cared for and you don't need to supervise him. There is staff for that. You have the opportunity that I don't. You have someone else to watch over Dad while you go on with your business of daily living. Distance yourself as you can from this. Keep in touch with his caregivers and don't worry so much! Good luck!
What can you do... sometimes I cry , walk away or answer back . It seems as if they lose any perspective on life but their own. Hope you can reduce your stress. I too dread calling him as it just unleashes more problems to deal with. Take rest when you can and step back.
Many people need to allow actions to teach, reinforce the plan, and let the upset sit there, "I'm sorry, I can come on those days, and I'm glad to come. I hope you'll help me to know any items you want by my call on Tues AM."
A great social worker years ago helped me with my disabled brother that I helped to start adulthood. She asked both of us in the presence of each other, how often we each wanted to see each other. I said twice a week, he said every day. "Fine", she said. "Both of you take responsibility for the time you choose: Joe, you call Cassie and ask for anything you need or want; Cassie, you only call Joe the twice a week that you chose, and answer his calls as fits your time otherwise. Fact is, he never called - he just wanted to get me to take care of him as mother used to do - and I stopped feeling responsible for every moment during the week, focused on my time. The issue was to get ME to stop worrying if he got upset, just say, sorry you were worried, here's what I can do - and accept inside, for YOU, that you are doing a great and valuable job.
Every once in a while, there will be an emergency, and it matters to hear those - but don't give in on the phone right away, say, you'll see what you can do. Decide off the phone, and maybe it's, "I'll be there tomorrow instead of Tues" or you can get to know the staff and call and ask them to find someone to get what he wants.
It's a shame if negative attitudes build resentments. Worth it to consider, choose, and affirm often that you're glad to be in touch. Start your own list of names and numbers of whom to call if you can't do something soon. If you know you are paying steady attention, you are doing your best, and letting them fuss if you stick to a plan. They gradually come round!
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