Anyone else feel like a slave?

Dear Helen,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I'm so sorry to hear what you went through with your father. It is a tough road.

I grew up having the disease to please. I gave away the farm to everyone I knew. Having boundaries and respecting myself to say no, never even occurred to me. I was in fix it mode for everyone around me. Give, give, and give some more till the anger and resentment consumed me.

We all try to do the best we can. And when we know better, we do better. I tried to do as much I could, even though my father never told me once "thank you" maybe it was something in our culture. But I tried to be the dutiful daughter all my life. Thank you for your advice. I hope I can learn this lesson, if I were to take on this role again for my mother.

It is time for some personal boundaries. If they are going to act like a 2 year old then they should be treated like a 2 year old.

Taking care of aging parents can be very difficult under the best of circumstances. I took care of both of mine and now help a friend that is in one near by where I live. With my mother it was fine as understood her infirmities. With my father it was different and he lived 5 years past when my mother died. I have 5 brothers and the task fell on me. My father smeared my name behind my back. I was treated like a slave both physically and emotionally. He did pay me as could have easily worked somewhere else but did everything for him including remodeling his home and even the lawn care which was extensive too. In addition I caught his h pylori and a parasite from his dog. After my mother died he needed a new person to yell at and put into what he considered "my place". Only one of my 5 brothers helped. When he died he left a token to me and treated the others with respect. It was not until after he died a psychiatrist said it sounded like he had narcissistic personality disorder which is a greater misunderstood personality disorder. Because of our various genetic make up we all stress differently. It does not mean he was necessarily " full of himself" like the term is thrown around in today's society. Neuroscience has discovered it is a "fear based" disorder. My brothers that got his genes also developed it too. They completely lack empathy, accountability and conscience. Their brains actually work differently too. If you are not aware of it you end up trying to please someone that can not be pleased which can literally drain ay one dry. Because I was raised with it I assumed it was normal. In addition to his health issues he also had a disorder which effected the way he thought and perceived things. He considered himself normal too. After a couple of years I was too sick physically and (it also taken a toll on me emotionally as it had my entire life). Sometimes we need to stop and think "is this toxic to me". If it is it may become necessary to make some adjustments. If someone tries to lay guilt on you that is also wrong and need to be told the same. Make boundaries and maintain them. It may be hard for other family members at first but I found that as I have I am either left alone or at least treated with respect. The word "NO" is often the hardest to say but must be said. For 2 years I was basically "used" with absolutely no gratitude from my father and also my brothers that also developed the disorder too. It may also be necessary to adjust expectations of both your parent and siblings even if they do not have this particular problem so you will not constantly feel used. Set a schedule of when you will ans will not take care of things and make sure your parent knows it and insist that it is respected. You also kind of have to do what is right for you too.

Welcome, Dawndy. You are brave! Hats off to your methodical escape. I'm sure you experience a new topsy-turvy at times, but your worst day alone is better than your best day with the ex. Keep coming back to AC Forum for support. I'm sure there's a lot we can learn from you, too. 🙂

My ex husband referred to me as his wife-slave. I exhausted myself caring for him. He was a stroke victim non-ambulatory for 9 months, required my care for 2 years and was alcoholic and abusive. He has dementia as well. The home health workers provided by his insurance were somewhat helpful but not nearly enough. One of them said after observing the situation, "why are you still here?" I'd ask that question of all of you. Why are you still there? Does the patient deserve you? You think, well, what else would he do if I weren't here? Maybe it's time to find out. A watershed moment for me was that after 2 years of slavehood, I told him that since I hadn't been able to work at my job all that time, my income was down and I could no longer contribute to the household financially as I could before his stroke. (He'd expected me to pay half of expenses even though his income was 7 times what I'd previously earned.) He yelled, "I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU!" Really? When I'd assumed all responsibility for him, his health, and caring for a large home, fixing toilets, changing faucets, mulching the big garden? I was devastated at his lack of caring and empathy when I'd provided so much of it for him. I secretly started packing that week. Took 9 months to pack and move stuff out gradually to a rented warehouse. If I can do that at age 70, you can too. You don't need to live in Caregiver H*ll. You are not their slave.

Yes I feel like a slave. I saw this in one parent's own family, so these things just go down through the generations, which still doesn't make them right. One grandmother really was like a slave and was always worn out. I clean up and ten minutes later, it is just as dirty. Sometimes I am told that I 'missed a spot.' This doesn't make me a happy camper. I don't like trash thrown on the floor ( they would never have stood for this when I was a kid!) If I can see it in time, I mention that I want things thrown away and that anyone can walk a few feet to a trash can. To me it's like , ' well I know I won't be around many more years so I don't care who has to clean it up.' I know that they would not do this if they had a caregiver coming in. With me, it doesn't matter.

Yes, I absolutely did feel like a slave! I wanted to run away from home, but it wasn't my home! I was living by default with my late mother 400 miles away from my own home. I feel for you! I really do! How many times can one woman wipe down a bathroom floor, toilet and shower? Answer= that woman was me and it was 120 times, e.g. every morning!!

Harpcat, my husband and I most definitely nature our relationship. We are always checking in with each, and we go out for date night, or socialize with friends. Plus we just completed an 8 week marriage bible study.

Kootiebear your said your dad is content to watch TV, eat, and talk to room mate. That is where he is and that's ok. Not everyone has to be a "joiner". It is his decision and that's ok. That's what I meant by saying you are not responsible "for" your dad. And you reinforced that when you wrote that he created the life he has by his decisions.
When we start realizing that we can't change who they are, that they choose how they spend their time, then we can take a burden,( which some call guilt) off our minds. Also as anyone ages their world shrinks and becomes smaller and more centered around themselves. That is why we are shocked that they don't seem to notice that our health is suffering, be it mental or physical.
You sound like you are getting to that point where enough is enough. I have to ask if you and your husband are doing things to nurture your relationship and time together. Even if it's a ritual of sitting at the end of work for a glass of wine...with no mention of dad allowed. Going out to dinner, a weekend trip. You must do that for both of you.

I am taking care of my elderly husband and although I was a nurse ,working in a hospital for 35 years,this is the hardest job that I have ever done.It is affecting me in a way that I would never have imagined.I think that when we kind of slide into a caregiver role,only the increasing stress makes us realize that like in every other situation in life,we need to set limits and not forget our own needs ,doing for ourselves to preserve our mental health and not feel guilty doing it.It is he only way to continue in such situations-taking care of number one -us,THEN the others.Good luck.I wish you strength to set boundaries....

I wish I could have a meaningful conversion with my wife.

My dad still has his mental faculties. He does not have Alzheimer's or Dementia as this point. His mom lived to be 87 and she only developed Alzheimer's in the last few years before she died. He walks with a walker and has a catheter. I've tried finding someone to go visit him, but where we live they will only set up the entire group home or if he were still living at home by himself.

If dad is in a group home, take at least one day a week for yourself, no calls, no visits. He's being well cared for, and sometimes they just want attention.

Oh yes, I feel like a servant to my mother. Sometimes when she gets demanding and wants one thing after another, I sound just like a customer service person, "one moment please" and "what else can I do for you?" and when I'm exhausted and frustrated "at your service" and after yet another chore "that's what I'm here for."

Have to admit I resent how caregiving has become my life.  I don't resent mom, it's not her fault, but the situation and how there isn't much of me left and how my health is deteriorating as a result.  I'm on more blood pressure meds than mom! 

Just stop calling him.

I like the idea of hiring someone - even from a church, a retired fellow - someone who stops by on Thursdays say, or Sat AM. Many elders don't like the activities in group programs - fortunately my brother liked bingo, and the musicians who came regularly were superb. But otherwise, he was lost, sitting in the dining room - little ability to chat when people don't hear, are overly medicated, have many issues etc. Actually, what helped my brother most, was a volunteer who came and was very creative with making collages and small crafts. After an hour sitting at a table, cutting out shapes and gluing them on his own home made picture frame then he gave it to someone -

Sometimes it takes a one-on-one person, and the staff in group homes don't think they have the time. Hiring one person to just stop by, talk about recent sports, just check in once a week, talk about any interest area of your dad's, even if his memory is not accurate - play individual card game, can be worth the money, by adding some individual attention of quality, which can help change someone's disposition, if they don't like group stuff.

I had a white board. Had Mom write done what she needed. I worked pt and gave her a day I could run her to her errands. I set up her appointment's for times I had opened. Since Dad is in a group home, he shouldn't need much. Check to see if ur area has a senior bus that can take him to Dr. visits. Maybe it's time to give him other daughters phone numbers. You don't have to visit him all the time. If nothing is an emergency tell him u will do it when ur in the area.

I had a white board. Had Mom write done what she needed. I worked

My wife has dementia and she call for me, I say just a second, when I get there she's forgotten what she wanted. So I tell her think about it and call me. No call backs, : ))

Agingmyself,
Though I see the logic in what you are saying, ( How we as caregivers "react" to things ) but if you have a parent who's memory only lasts about a minute or so, and all common sense has dissapeared, they cannot do many things for themselves anymore physically or mentally, you are pretty much stuck if you are the caregiver. Yes we can try to cope with it better but when you are living it everyday, listening to the constant barrage of requests of things they decide to "fixate on" or they do things that are not safe because the logic is gone, for example, using a household paring knife to take out weeds, you ARE a slave to watching them, keeping them safe, eating and staying hydrated, making sure they have everything they need or want or you never hear the end of it! That's where it can seriously start wearing you down. Even the most patient among us get frazzled when you are dealing with this everyday for years on end and it doesn't get better, it gets worse. You cannot simply ignore them when they are bothering you, you know they no longer possess logical thinking skills to be safe and cannot help their behavior due to dementia, Alzheimers or stroke that changes who they once were on a major scale. It's just reality.
Mom was not sweet and understanding when we were kids and driving her nuts when we were misbehaving or whining to her ceaselessly when we wanted something. The difference is, children learn and remember, she forgets in a matter of minutes. There are no "teaching lessons" at this point with them when the mind is past the point of return. You simply cope with it the best you can, and if a little steam comes out here and there, it's normal.

The group home he is at takes care of all his needs except buying toiletries, clothes. He walks with a walker and has a catheter. They have activities but he does not participate. He is content to eat, watch TV and talk to his roommate. He brags that he has phone numbers of all these people he can call to talk to but does nothing about it. Not even calling his own sister who lives alone out of state. I'm drawing boundaries because I am tired of the dependence. He made decisions that created the life he has now including his decision to sell the house and go into assisted living after my mom died last year.

Is your dad able to get around?  Maybe he or you could hire someone once a week to take him shopping. He may enjoy getting out.

My MIL lives in an assisted living facility - they have shopping trips planned. A bus will come and take them to the local Walmart etc. Not sure if a group home does anything like this, but maybe you can hire someone like visiting angels, etc. Dad can keep his list of what he needs and then the caregiver can take him out shopping. It may turn into something he looks forward to.

If dad isn't mobile, maybe you can still hire someone once a week (or whatever works for you) to run errands for him. I think a lot of seniors are bored and then they have way too much time to think, when the rest of us are crazy busy. It may be a nice change in the monotony of his life.

Unfortunately, I cannot attribute who made this statement; but it has helped me immensely:
"Emotions don't just happen to us, we choose them.
Thoughts, emotions and actions are the only things we really do control."

We can't control others' actions or speech, but we can choose to not let them be detrimental or enslaving to us.
This helps us to "place the blame" where it belongs, so to speak. If we allow or invite uncomfortable thoughts, serve unreasonable demands, etc., we need to examine our own motivations and make adjustments in ourselves. If others change their behavior in response, that may be good; but even if they don't, we will have determined our own destiny.
And.....Get plenty of sleep, because you can't think goodly when you're tired!

This is funny because my Mom would run me ragged up and down the stairs. When I would tell her my back went out, she would just say the steps are good for my back. lol

My dad became very demanding at 84yrs and I sat him down and told him very firmly that it had to stop. He was in the early stage of dementia, and it got increasingly worse, but he calmed down and started doing strange things. In hindsight, he passed on, I would have done so much more had I understood the illness better. I once read from a doctor whose mother had it, that with dementia it is best to let them feel 'free' to do exactly as they please. To them it is activity even when they pull out flowers which they might have themselves planted. They need to roam free and do things. I understand it better now, but if only I knew better then. It is hard trying to help, but it helps to know more about this terrible disease. Go luck !

You have to stop acting like a slave. When he becomes demanding, you should leave and explain why you are leaving. Trust me that he will stop once he realizes it is counter productive. Using an answering machine is also a good idea. Ignore his calls when they are frivolous.

I hope I don't sound callous as I have had the same feeling from my mother who is 95 and sometimes still do. Part of my stress is wrapped up in guilt and anxiety about coping with her needs but the only way I know is to set my boundaries, remind myself that I am not being selfish and then stick by them. I am 72 now and was really looking forward to a relaxing retirement but somehow life didn't work out that way. It is possible that some of the calls from your father and my mother are just a way of getting our company and in my mother's situation I know that my brother and I are the only ones who can buy personal care items and occasionally clothes for her. Beyond visiting at reasonable intervals we can cope with, we have to remind my mother that there are activities arranged where she lives and opportunities to interact with others and that we can't provide her sole entertainment if she doesn't choose to attend them. There is no reason we (or anyone) should feel guilt or cater to every whim of our parents but we have to be the ones to establish the our own limits.
There was a very interesting book which, I think, came out in the 1970s about Transactional Analysis. There may even be explanations on the Internet these days, but the main thing is that if our parents are now behaving like 'children' we have to take on the role of 'parents'. In doing so we can take control of the situation by backing away from it and deciding what WE will do to solve the "childish mother or father's" acting out or tantrums. I have to admit that this approach doesn't solve my feelings of guilt and hostility but all the time but I'm getting better at seeing things this way.

A friend's father who was living with her began to get mean and cranky with her. She told him, "if you're going to start being like this, I'm not sure I can do this anymore ". Well he changed his tune when she said that.
For some of the others who've answered here...one thing I tell myself constantly if "I'm not responsible for my dad, I'm responsible to my dad". Meaning I can't do anything to make him happy or change his attitude. I can order depends, buy things he needs, take him to an appointment. Hope that helps. It has saved me.

I answer the phone at work so unfortunately I can't let it go to voice mail. If he calls my cell during work, I let it go to voice mail. His father died when he was a child and his mom lived out of state so it fell to the sister who lived closed to deal with their aging mom. So he has not walked in my shoes of dealing with an aging parent. Both my sisters have accused him of abandoning his mom. My mom took care of everything when she was alive but I am not my mom and I am not filling in for my mom. My mom use to complain about my dad's behavior after his stroke. I use to think she wasn't being compassionate. Now I totally understand. My husband and I have had many, fights and arguments with my dad about his behavior. It will get better for a while then he returns to his old ways. I have been guilty in the past of trying to jump in and help to take care of things. I've changed that and with him being in the group home, I let the owner deal directly with my dad. She has a way to contact me if there is a problem. I talked to the grief counselor that was offered by hospice after my mom died. We just hit the 13 month mark so services ended. I've attended several grief, and caregiver support groups. It does help to know that I am not the only one dealing with this.

OK, when I read the title of the question, I burst out laughing! The answer is a resounding YES!!!!!! I actually say it to my husband all the time that I feel my role is the slave to everyone. To Mom and all her passive aggressive requests, the never ending lists of things I need to get for her, being the house cleaner, the laundress for everyone, the book keeper, medical therapist, the chauffeur, the COOK, the gardener, the animal caretaker (two indoor bengal cats) hmmm, I know I have probably forgotten some others but I just woke up and drinking my coffee. Today is hairdresser day for Mom (which takes a few hours) but it is the only time she is ever out of the house without me so I can breathe for a short time.

Your dad is safe and cared for in his group home. Let them do the jobs they're being paid to do! As far as calling--cut that back to a few times a week. Ignore his calls if you need to. If he's REALLY having a problem, the home will call you.
By answering all the time, by calling HIM constantly, you are setting yourself up for just the abuse you're getting. I am not judging you, at all. I do the same thing with mother. She only calls me if she's got some awful problem (and they're NEVER awful)....so I am taking a long break from seeing her or calling her. My poor husband--he has been a peach through seeing me deal with my demanding, ungrateful mother--I keep trying to "fix" everything for her, and I suddenly realized, I CANNOT fix anything, b/c she is happy being miserable.

If he gets belligerent or disrespectful, walk away. Just WALK AWAY. This is the ONLY tactic that works with mother, if it even does. She's fine, I am spiraling into depression over her.