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There certainly is a group of us here. I understand the dysfunction. Been there, done that, still am and still learning.

My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and is narcissistic. Now she has developed vascular dementia. I live 5 hours drive away and see to all business/financial/health matters, but not hands on care. When she was in an ALF, she took herself to her med appointments, or later a hired caregiver took her. I visited a few times a year, ran a few errands for her and left if she got nasty. I went to dr's appountments a few times, when I felt it was necessary. She actually is pretty healthy apart from the BPD and VaD. Now she is in a ALF who has doctors attached and is seen by one there. The staff are very good at calling me if anything is out of the ordinary. She soon will be moved to an NH with the same situation. I attend case meetings, or even call them when I feel there is an issue to be addressed. I do not visit often (every few months) as I have PTSD from childhood verbal and emotional abuse, and then do not stay long. It does not take much to trigger the PTSD. Mother is now 105 and has no comorbidities so may live a few more years yet. I just turned 80 and have a life apart from mother and have made sure all along that I do. You have to look after yourself. You will never do enough, nor do it well enough for a narcissist, so you have to make your own judgements/choices about your role.

As to breaking the loop - a leogard does not change its spots. I see one poster has been successful in getting a different response. Good for you. My mother has softened a bit due to meds.I have reduced contact for self preservation. Once when she was complaining about how I did things, I asked her if she wanted to find someone else to do it. She became very quiet,

As to abusive phone calls or other conversations, you can hang up or walk away. I finally refused to participate in them. Once, many, many,years ago, I cut contact for a year. It softened things a bit, for a while...

As to being slandered, I developed a thick skin and when I felt it was appropriate I spoke to the person involved, sometimes successfully, (more often) sometimes not.

As to others saying how lovely your mother is, I just smile and say, "That's nice."

As to forgiveness - it is ongoing for me, for my peace of mind.

Wishing you all the best, Amber. (((((((Hugs))))). It is a hard row to hoe.
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Would recording those bad moments then next day say I want you to listen to this & tell me who it is? Would it bring realization?
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mlface I've personally tried that road. The problem with a true Narcissistic personality disorder is they believe the stories they tell you, and will be offended by you believing differently. You may have all the evidence in the world, but it won't matter to them. They will punish you in various ways if you don't believe the lie they tell themselves. They will view you as someone to be suspicious of if you happen to be an evidence collector that can shatter their view of the world. I've seen that turn into a whole other mess when they've decided they hate you, and do whatever is necessary to make others hate you as well. My grandmother did this for years, trying to make me hate my father, who is the nicest guy but always saw right through grandma. She treats him like dirt, and anyone who is loyal to him, even though he has spent more time caring for her than her own 5 sons. I wish this was the kind of thing that could be corrected with the truth, but it's not. It's a delusional world they expect you to buy into, like it or not.
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Justone, There is also a biblical commandment not to irritate and abuse your children. But you don't hear much about that one because parents through the ages have touted the one about honoring them.
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Golden23--Wow, your narcissistic mom is 105 with no problems and you are 80!! This stuff can go on a lonnnnng time. Glad you have your own friends and life; that's my weak spot. Take care!
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Granddaughter83 -absolutely true. You can't break through the fantasy world they live in. Well said.

Davina - amen about the scripture about not abusing your children.
Mother has vascular dementia so she is wheelchair or bed bound due to the muscular weakness that comes with that disease. Other than that she is in very good health. Yes, it can go on a long time and that is why I promote self care. You only have one life and you only have today to live it. I don't believe God gave us a life to be completely subject to the needs of another unless we are specifically called to that, and I don't believe many are. I certainly am not. I just came back from a short trip with a friend, having seen and done new things, as well as looked at NHs for mother. For every trip I take to look after mother's business, I build in something for myself. Please work on that aspect of your life. You may be surprised what is out there. :) After 15 years of singleness due to divorce, I decided to start being social again - in my 70s. It has been very interesting to say the least.
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