Elderly mother has narcissistic personality disorder. Should I leave her for my brother to deal with? - AgingCare.com

Elderly mother has narcissistic personality disorder. Should I leave her for my brother to deal with?

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It's extremely difficult dealing with her, she is 88 and was dx with personality disorder some years back that is sociopathic in nature-- so, she has really no ability to empathize with others or care about their thoughts or feelings. She has a grandiose sense of herself meaning she feels superior and entitled to special treatment and expects others to always agree with and do what she wants. If you don't she will call my other sibling telling him a very distorted version and also expertly uses her age as an instant way to gain support ( her abusive behavior should be tolerated because she's a little old lady). I am thinking of just leaving and letting him deal with her

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It's not just your brother that can help her. The state can take her guardianship and make sure she's tended. Your brother will not be dumped on at all - he can refuse as well. Do what is right for you = your mthr tore up her parent card a long time ago.
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When I was the sole caregiver for a man with BPD and BPD, I finally quit too.

Everything you just described applied to him too. He once threw hot coffee at me because I didn't put cream in it before bringing to him! The final straw was the day he was yelling at me in public calling me names and doing his best to tear me down.

I had warned him that I was not his slave. I didn't have to put up with the abuse. I probably warned him more than he deserved....but, when he started calling me filthy names in a store...that was it. I turn on my heel, walked the other way, and kept right on going. Never went back, never called, never answered his calls, .... done

It sounds to me like that day is fast coming for you too.

Tell her and your sibs that you are going to be leaving because of the abuse and they are warned.
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So, have you moved in with Mother? That sounds like a recipe for disaster; most folks who move "back home" with their parents to do caregiving (at least the ones I know personally, as well as those who post here) find it very constricting. Parents who are old enough to need caregivers seem to forget that their adult children are grownups.

If your mother is demanding and demeaning, I would suggest getting a "needs assessment", perhaps through the local Area Agency on Aging or through a referral from her physician. Once you get a professional assessment of what her needs are, you can assist her (or not) in getting professional care set up.

If she refuses professional care, you set a date to leave and do so, notifying APS that she will shortly become a vulnerable adult.

I know, I make it sound neat and easy. It's not. But these are the steps that you need to take.
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Does your sibling support you, or does he believe her distortions?
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