My mom lied to get me to move back home to help with dad who is on hospice. What do I do now? - AgingCare.com

My mom lied to get me to move back home to help with dad who is on hospice. What do I do now?

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my dad is 64 and on hospice with his heart and getting worse everyday.he has had over 12 heart attacks in the last 23 yrs.i am a daddys girl even tho im 43.my parents and son have heard me and my husband fight for so many yrs and they got tired of it.my mom has COPD and taking care of my dad on hospice at home cause we promised him never to put him in nursing home.he can get up and go to the bathroom very slowly with help.she told me at the end of june that they had enough of the drama from my marriage never knowing if they would see me the next day or the day after that(my husband would hide my keyes so i couldnt leave the house) so my told me she was gonna rent a uhaul truck in a few days and her and my grown son would come move me out and move me back into there house and if i said no they all would disown me.i was not gonna give up my parents and son to stay in a very bad marriage so i agreed.ive been here with then since then.i feel like im only here to run errans(my mom does drive anymore she getts too confused and nervous to drive) clean cook..but then i see how happy it makes my dad that im here.he had gotten to were he was scared he wouldnt see me again before the time comes for him to go.i feel so bad that i feel like a slave but sometimes i do and sometimes im happy to do it.me and my mom got into an arguement and didnt speak for a few days last week(not like us at all) it was making me dad more sick to see us not speak so he made us sit down and talk it out she started with im under so much stress.i feel bad now but i screamed REALLY!!! im under stress too but no one seems to notice...i left my husband(it was never gonna get any better anyways he even said that) i got fired because i waanted to spead a few extra days here when my dad first came home to be on hospice and he was so confused and i wanted to help mom to get all his meds and things straight..having a hard time finding another job so no money..stressed and worried to see my dad like this..trying to get some sense of my self back that my husband took away.im trying so hard but some days i feel like it doesnt get noticed that im trying hard..am i a bad person for thinking this way.my dad keeps saying he is becoming a burden and i keep telling him he is not because he isnt.i figure they took care of me and even looked after me after surgeries when i became an adult..if i try to go out which has only been 2 times since i moved in june 21..they always say and ask..where you going? what you gonna do? who you going out with? when you coming back? be back by 12 midnight..im not 16 anymore

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Resee--

I had a hard time reading your post--perhaps you typed it in anger or haste,, but I couldn't really follow the thought process.

Your parents rescued you from a very bad marriage and helped you out. That was amazing. And brave, by the sound of it.

As far as your "stress"....I don't see it. You agreed to help care for dad--that is no picnic, as anyone here will attest to. You talk a bit about screaming and having fights with your parents...this has to be hard on them, too, obviously they had cause to worry over you in that bad marriage--and they bailed you out. You're bringing a lot of that stress with you from the marriage--perhaps a counselor or goods friend could help you.

No one is stopping you from getting a job. Right? I'm sorry you lost the one you had, but there's plenty more out there.

Your parents asking for your whereabouts and time of return is likely just your parents being parents--and also, when you live under someone's roof, no matter your age, you owe them the respect of letting them know your plans. Perhaps they are afraid you will get back with the old hubby?

I'm sorry, too much to read and too hard to interpret it. You do need to take some breaks from caring for dad, and you do need to sit down with your parents and set up rules and boundaries. If you are living there free....be sensitive to the fact you are costing them something to be there. Even if you're helping with dad, you're being housed and fed, and you do use utilities. Perhaps to them it seems like a "break even" type deal and you feel underappreciated. If your dad is on Hospice, then he is very sick, and bringing a negative energy to the house isn't helping.

I hope you can find someone to help you find some balance and calm in this storm.
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I think the lie comes in where she is "expected" to do certain things. Maybe she feels the reason wasn't her marriage but they wanted someone to do all the work. My girls and 23yr old Gson have to remind me now and then that they r adults. I remember when my Mom would do the same thing to me and I was married, working and had a job.
You need to find a job. Doesn't have to pay much, just mad money now. If in her sixties, Mom should still be able to do something even with COPD.  Dad should have aides under hospice. Split up the chores.  If you cook then Mom cleans up, and visa versa. Housekeeping can be done as you go.  Swifter products are great for dusting.  Now for going out.  What do you do while aide is there.  You could use that time to something for yourself.  I can see no problem in telling your parents that you are going such and such a place and you will be back about... Its called respect.  But you do need to find your own life.  A lot is going on right now but I would at least file for a separation saying you r not responsible for any debts ur husband incurs from _____ date on.  You are entitled to half of the assets.

Make time for yourself if it means going off to ur bedroom for a few hours.  Make boundries.  Set up a day to do Moms errands.  I bought Mom a whiteboard so she could write down things as she thought about it.  Dr. Visits can be made for when ur available. I did things at my convienance.  Explain to Mom you appreciate what she did for you but you need to find your way.  The longer you wait the more you will be in the same situation you were with your husband.  It gets harder as you get older.
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Resee. I understand where you are coming from. My marriage broke down before I came to live with my parents when I was 57. My mother had been trying to get me to come home to help them for a few years before that time. When I left the hubby, I left everything I had ever bought. I was feeling pretty bad about everything. The only sympathy I got was hearing my mother said that god had broken up my marriage so I could come home and take care of them. A widow gets pity, but a divorcee gets none. I know how disoriented your feeling, but also know the understanding of how you feel will probably never come.

It has only been a couple of months now. I hope that you get re-oriented soon and can find a job that you like. When it is time you can move out and start your life over. Did you get a fair settlement when you left your husband or did he end up with all of the money? If you have money, then hold onto it the best you can. It will help you get back on your feet. You'll still be able to help your mother, but you don't have to live with her. That may make it better for you.

Good luck. A lot of us understand what you're going through. I hope it gets better soon.
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I don't see where the lie is? Your mom and son wanted to get you out of a bad situation. They did that. You agreed to come help with your dad. You are doing that. Mom said you can live with her. You are doing that.

A part of living with others, family or not, is pulling your own weight. Everyone has to work together, cooking, cleaning, etc. If you are not contributing financially, you should carry a bit more of the work load.

 I used to tell my teenage children that telling us where they were going and when they would be back was simply respectful of those you live with. As parents, we never went out without telling them where we were going and when we would be back. This is just being respectful of those we live with. I agree your parents shouldn't grill you about it, but I also think you should let them know your general plan. How would you feel if your mom left one evening at 8:00, didn't tell you where she was going or when she would be back... Midnight comes, still no mom....just think about it ;-)
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i dont have a chip on my shoulders at all.no i dont think they are against me. no i dont think the world is against me. i come off like a bad mean angry person but im honestly not that kind of person.i never said any of yall said im a free loader but i feel like i am because im doing everything i can to get a job and sell paintings and going on food stamps to help out while im here.ive always dont for them even when they were in good health and i will keep doing it. look im sorry if i sounded bad or like a bad person.i guess my nerves are not great..im waiting on blood work for myself..trying not to let them know about that so they dont worry about me..then i found out yesteday morning my grandma(my dads mom )passed away during the night.but i am a very quiet shy silly woman who i guess need to vent or get a few things out.im sorry to have bothered yall with my typing being all over the place and hard to understand.yes after i get a job and save up i will get my own place.my son is gonna do the same.he pays my parents rent and saving for his own place.i have panic attacks and anxiety so i just needed to vent thats all..
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ok so everyone took my post the wrong way.im sorry if you could not understand it or follow it.i love my parents with all my heart and will have and always do anything for them.As far as my son goes..yes he works 50-60 hrs 6 days a week. yes he will move out later once he saves up to do so.He run errans when he can. He does anything any of us ask him to do.I am not angry. The lie i was talking about was that she said her and my dad said they would disown me if i didnt move back and my dad told me the other day when i mentioned it that he had no idea what i was talking about because he never said that or even thought that.I do alot for them because i love them and love doing for them.see you all are assuming that i blame them for being sick and him dying or that im lazy.i have been cooking cleaning washing clothes since i was 10yrs old.i like doing those things. yes i lost my job and i have been putting in applications and going on interviews every chance i get.yall make me feel very bad like a fat free loader.ive never been that and im not that now.inbetween putting in job applications and interview im painting homemade signs so i can make a few dollar because i dont want them to give me any money.i love my parents alot more than yall give me credit for.im overwhelmed too but i guess it doesnt matter since yall think im some angry lazy ungrateful daughter.i take care of them to the best of my ability because they were and still are there for me.
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Reese I see you as being in the grieving process following a broken marriage. That is perfectly understandable but remember time is the great healer.

It is totally understandable that you parents ask about your outings , they are concerned about your welfare while you wander in this wilderness. It is a big bad world out there and they are afraid you may make some bad choices and mix with undesireable company while you are in this state of loneliness.

Yes you were in a bad marriage and needed to get out but it was a big cold world out there and you were afraid of being on your own. In a way leaving your marriage was forced on you although you knew it was the right thing to do and there is some anger mixed with the gratitude of family taking care of you.

You are being blown around in a gale right now so appreciate the people who care for you. Your parents and your son. Lean on them for a while until you can find a safe harbor. Everything they are doing is because they really care about you. Dad does not have long as you all know so of course he is anxious about your future. He is also worried about how Mom will manage when he is gone and who will look after her when he is gone. COPD is not a fun way to die anymore than is heart disease. Mom is probably doing a lot of anticipatory grieving seeing Dad decline and become less able to help himself especially with hospice in the house.
Now I think you are more than paying for the roof over your head by the tasks you take on. The work you do is easily woth at least $15 an hour and hireing someone to take on the overnight would run about $20 an hour. Mom may be short with you at times but it is not because she is angry at you but because she is getting so burned out and you are right in the line of her anger. it is about her not you.
Keep in mind that this won't go on for ever. Dad's journey is coming to an end and both you and Mom will be able to sleep without keeping one eye open for Dad. Of course you don't want to loose him but once he passes everyone will be able to catch their breath because a great weight will be lifted.

About other posters seeming to treat you unkindly. They are under at least as much stress and have no one to lean on so it is natural for their first thought if not response is "Huh she thinks she has got it bad I'd like to see her walk a mile in my shoes, I've got nothing and nobody"
Pain is hard to describe what to some is 10/10 to others it is not the worst they can imagine.
Resee you will get through this. Hospice usually has a social worker who visits the home so ask to talk to him/her. Hopefully it will be an older person with lots of real world experience.
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Reesee, hang in there and vent away!
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It is hard work to take over a household. There are toilets and floors to clean, laundry to do, and all the other things. I never realized how hard it was to keep walk-in showers and elder bathroom furniture clean until I got here. I work at home to make a little money, but the everyday tasks can take so much of my time. The sickness and mood of the house can be the hardest. I need my muse to work easily, but she gets chased away by the mood of the house.

I wondered how serious your mother's COPD is, Resee. If she is at the point where she just needs help going to doctor appointments and shopping, there are people she can hire to do that. My mother had one woman who she paid $50-100 to take her to do these tasks before I moved in. It was expensive, but I'm glad the woman was available for her. If you're able to find a job, it is something you might want to look into. There are some agencies who provide for non-medical needs of the elderly. They're expensive, but affordable if only a little help is needed.

I do know what you mean about feeling a bit like a slave. Sometimes I feel like Cinderella now except there's no Prince Charming on the horizon. It's good that you like doing housework. I don't like it at all in this old house. It never feels clean. I miss having a newer place that cleaned up so nicely. I miss having my independence and privacy. It is hard to live with other people, particularly in their houses where they are boss.
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i want to thank you all for your support and understanding and not jumping to assume that im ungrateful. I made a promise to my dad that i will take care of my mom after he is gone weather im still here or have my own place and i would do it weather he asked me or not.my mom is my best friend and we bump heads.i am sad and grieving over my marriage but its over and ive come to accept it.we have been together for 23 years but only married these 8 years. we have broken up and spilt up more times than i can count in all these years.i always thought it would get better but never did so we spilt for good.my dads social worker is an awesome woman and she will do anything for them if they ask.im gonna put my feelings to the back and just do everything i can to do whatever i can for them.i need to keep a closer eye on my dad now because he is extra sad since his mom passed away yesterday morning.thank yall again for helping me to feel better.the first few people on here made me feel so bad about myself.it felt like my husband was writing it..
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