My husband's mother doesn't want to be here, but has no other family members to help. What should we do?

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She doesn't qualify for a NH and can't afford AL. We feel like we are in over our heads. She is constantly fussing and accusing me of ignoring her. I'm fighting my own health issues and feel like I'm going to have a nervous break down.

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Does she have any assets at all? My friend's mother was low income, only got Social Security, but it was enough to get her into a board-and-care home here. A beautiful old house in the village, 6 bedrooms, shared baths, someone on the premises 24/7 (but NO medical care, no personal care, no ferrying about to doctors appointments and such) - three meals a day (young women came in to cook). Her mother had a beautiful bedroom, brought all her own furniture of course, but it was nicer than my own bedroom! They charged $1500 a month, there was still a little left over for Depends, new clothes as needed, an occasional luncheon out with the other residents ....sorry to ramble on, but I had never heard of such a thing till recently. It's like assisted living, only locally, not in a chain like Brookside. But someone has to supply Depends, furnishings, clothes, OTC things like denture cream, and take them to all their appointments.
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Does your mother have a home? Before you make any earth shattering decisions, contact us and have some free ideas.
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CeeCii took my answer! If she has SS, she can get in a NH. It may not be glamorous and lovely, but she will be in a place that has 24/7 care. You will likely still be involved, but to a much lesser degree. YOU will choose you level of involvement.

Thanks CeeCii, for you comment., I hear this all the time---"Mom can't afford"--when the fact it, yes they can. Using the plan outlined by CeeCii, you can facilitate getting mom into a care facility.

You will literally kill yourself trying to make her happy. I mean that. Even going to visit my mother at brother's home is beyond stressful, b/c I don't know who or what I will encounter. She's had the opportunity for in home aides and for deluxe top of the line ALF...and has declined all. She lives a bored, pointless life.

I DID care for my very sick hubby for several years. He was sick and miserable and I heard it everyday, all day. As soon as he was "back" and went back to work, I had a full on, nervous breakdown. Caregivers don't understand the tremendous burden that daily caregiving causes them. I actually had my hair turn from dark brown to white in about 3 months, due to stress.

As always, we want the best for out elders. In reality, we cannot always give them that.

Good Luck....
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One other thing. What about making a list of the things she cooked when her son was at home that he liked along with the recipes.
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Does she require a lot of care? Is she capable of helping you? If so, then give her chores to do. She may be bored. There are all kinds of things one can do while sitting down. Fold laundry, make a shopping list, organize and label pictures and put them in albums, organize recipes, etc. Also does she have a church family? If so, then give them a call. They can perhaps arrange visits or get her to help with something like a greeting card ministry. Another suggestion is for her to write to our servicemen.
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Also, let me add this. If she has Medicare, then she does qualify for a nursing home. But it is called "rehab" If she ever has a hospital stay for 3 days...it has to be exactly 72 hours then Medicare automatically covers 20 days of rehabilitation in a skilled nursing facility. This costs absolutely no money. Medicare by law covers it fully. Upon discharge, they set up skilled nursing in the home. Physical therapy, occupational, speech, etc. Medicare covers 9 weeks of skilled care at a time before a new order needs to be written. So the next time your mother in law has a hospital stay, Or even if she's had a low grade temp then call 911 and have her go to the ER. If she is admitted, then she has nursing home care and you will have a break. There is always a loop hole. Take advantage of Medicare fully whenever you can.
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This is my dad 100% He complains that he hates living with me, but he is paralyzed from the neck down. No one else wants to deal with him or take care of him. He is not able to make good decisions for himself. He thinks he can go live by himself in California or that people will automatically put their entire lives in hold to cater to his every need. All of the family got exhausted from caring for him, that's why I have him now. He's been with me 4 years and every day he expresses his misery not being able to live how he wants. At first I listened, now I just ignore. It is a broken record. Day after day, year after year it gets old. He can't live by himself. This is what you call a decline in deductive reasoning and cognition. It's a sign of dementia when they aren't able to put full thought into their living situation and make healthy decisions. They turn very child like and the balance of power shifts, where they are no longer in control. It's very tough and emotionally exhausting. It sounds like she is being very stubborn and not taking money or insurance into consideration. Maybe you should get her evaluated for dementia. That will help with how you deal with her moving forward.
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If given your particular type of situation, I just wouldn't be able to put up with this and would just tell her to live with it or get over it. I would tell her if she don't like it, there's the door
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Call the local Area Agency on Aging. Ask for a needs assessment. Ask about local low income housing for seniors.

If she is unhappy, accusatory and fussing at you, she might benefit from a visit to a geriatric psychiatrist. Sometimes meds work wonders in these situations.
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Thanks! We are still trying to figure this out. She has no place to go and no other family members. We are between a rock and a hard place.
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