Does anyone have any idea how so many of us ended up with such difficult moms? What the hell happened?

I haven't read any of the responses yet but will give you my story.
My mom was sweet, generous and very loving; my dad was the spoiled, only child that was basically a musical prodigy. After my mom died, contact with him was minimal. He died 10 years and 2 women after my mom did.
My mil was an only child of immigrants from Germany. They had lost a couple babies in Germany and we're thrilled to have this little American-born child.
She had them wrapped around her finger. She learned to lie in order to get what she wanted. I don't know if they ever caught on to that.
What she wanted most was friends. She wasn't allowed to play in the streets or do things that other kids did. They kept her pretty close. She came of age during WWII so you can imagine that she was probably made fun of at school for her strange (different) ways and language.
She did go to college and her parents followed her wherever she went.
She pitted her two boys against each other (still does) and made no bones about the fact that the first born grandchild was her favorite until he did something she didn't approve of, then she'd pick another for awhile. She has said to me of course the first born is special. I have three sons and I don't want to play games like that. They are all different and loved equally.
I could go on about her dils but won't as that is a long story too!
Looking back we believe she has been bipolar her whole life but was able to hide it pretty well when she was busy. Now it's just crazy! She is bitter and nasty to all.

This is such a sad thread although I understand the importance. Why did these women have children? I have issues with my mother but not in this area. I realize her mother had narcissism yet from letters I sense a good amount of caring. I have 3 children, 3 grandchildren to date. I have always felt such maternal instincts. I feel so for all those who have experienced such pain. I wish people would only have children if they felt they could provide what it requires. I know one can have times that drive you nuts regarding your children but I know I can circle back to a point of true love. I wish all the posters some moments of happiness. I have had certain individuals behave horribly towards me generally in areas business related. One wishes family could behave decently. I know I have been able to forgive instances of betrayal. As one ages the importance of inner harmony overrides alot. Just wishing all of you what you need to move forward.

I am so sorry you're experiencing this kind of treatment! I know a lot of people don't believe like I do, but I do t think anyone should be required to be someone else's object of another persons dissatisfaction with life! Do what you can to assist them, but don't sacrifice your own well being in the process! My Mom passed away in 2012 at tge age of 86, after just over a year after I took care of her at her home! Seeing your question made my heart ache, then reading the comments made it hurt more! I cannot put into words the blessing I received in having a Mom like mine, right up to her last breath💜 I believe it must be a generational thing! Thinking back over your life with your Mom was there anything in her personality that gives you a clue for her horrible behavior, excluding dementia! Prayers sent your way🙏🏾

I am finding out that many had personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder (which is actually an actual mental diagnosis) or border line or histrionic disorders that went undiagnosed and that often become worse with aging and dementia. Mental health was not priority and often families were embarrassed and hid the fact that a family member had problems. So they went on to have children and their behavior was meshed into the family as being "well you know how she is, or that's just how they are". It's unfortunate. However, as for myself, the buck stops with me. My mother's behavior is horrific and much worse than when I was growing up, which was horrible. There are hired caregivers who are not family that "work for her" now. I do not have contact with her except to occasionally take phone calls from caregivers. I had to "rebuild" my adult life and spent many years in therapy due to my upbringing. No, this time, I made the decision to save myself with my husband and what family is left that speaks to me. No one, not family, not friends, or clergy really knows how one is raised. So I don't judge people who have taken the "no contact" road. It's the best decision for some, for both mother and daughter or son. Make the best decision for you and your family with no regrets. I wish you the very best.

I have been wondering this myself! - so thank you for asking it out loud. And thank you for everyone so openly answering this question. I am flabbergasted at how familiar these answers feel to me, and I've had some real insight into certain aspects of my realtionship with my mom and into my own personality. Since I found this website a couple months ago, and read here about narcissistic traits, I recognize this in my mom's behavior and am mortified to recognize some of these things in myself, even though I've always said I don't want to be like my mom. She raised me with criticism and negativity ("You can't do that!" Or "Just who do you think you ARE?") and I've spent my life in fear of making the slightest mistake - but after all - that's all I do are mistakes, so my self-image has always been that I am a failure. My dad was a failure, and she always tells me I'm just like my dad, or "stop smiling like that - you look just like your dad," to which I reply, "Well, he was my dad!" Ironic it is that all my life she told me how wrong I was and now she has made me completely and legally in charge of her. She doesn't even want her mail or anything. All through my life she thought I was an extension of her, and could never understand why I did things different from her - so then I was always wrong no matter what I did. A couple years ago, before her health broke down and she entered AL, I was visiting her and she saw me putting a pillowcase on a bed pillow. She stopped and loudly exclaimed, "THAT'S NOT HOW I DO IT! Why do you do it that way?" I said, "uh, because that's the way I do it?" She has always imagined me living her life through my life, and her adoring, doe-eye, sweet smile when she looked at me whenever I did something always produced the most conflicting feelings in me and I never knew what was going on and thus how to deal with it. My mom is a complex woman, certainly passive/agressive, and manipulative, and now I can identify clear narcissitic traits. And I can in me, too. This is a terrible epiphany but hopefully now that I see this, I can change things I don't like about myself. Which is a lot. That might be a lot to ask, but I hope I still have the mental plasticity to change.

I had a neighbor of Mom's show up while I was there.

NEIGHBOR said "You need to listen to your daughter more. She's trying to help you."

Mom looked at us both and said "Hell no. I'll do what I damn well please."

I nearly left never to return. I mean, I realize that I haven't had ALLLLL the experiences SHE has, but I managed to get to 54 with a paid off house, and 20 yr marriage, and stable job. I pay MY bills. She's managed to get her phone shut off 4 times in the last year because she doesn't pay her bills!

I feel your pain. I honestly do.

Hi...yes I know sometimes it can seem like a difficult mother is a new phenomenon. I used to feel like I was the only one on earth with a mother that was dysfunctional until I joined this forum. They have been around since the beginning of time it’s just that no one dared to broach the subject. Also the internet and other means of communication were not avail...I’ll tell you what works for me in dealing with my narcissistic, demented mother...I do what makes me happy whenever I can and I don’t share my happy time, moments or thoughts with her. When she tries to insult or humiliate me I don’t let her slide, I say something without showing any emotion because that’s what they feed on. Bottom line: keep your interactions brief, don’t share deep or important thoughts and try to live your best life...all the time...God Bless

I think, as others have suggested, that "difficult" moms are probably over-represented here. People who had loving mothers are less likely to seek help on a forum like this one. Still, you can't help but wonder why difficult moms are so common.

As I read about these "difficult" moms, I see a connecting thread of narcissistic behaviors. If you were raised by a mom like this, you know the life-long pain and confusion it brings: a lack of self-confidence, feeling "invisible," feeling you aren't worthy of the air you breathe. And I recognize so many of my own mom's traits among the descriptions offered here: an inflated sense of self-importance (oddly coupled with low self-esteem); expecting preferential treatment; a need to control typically achieved by fear, obligation, and guilt; insistence upon always being "right" and everyone else "wrong"; refusal to validate others; and last but not least, a total absence of empathy. Zero. Zip. Nada.

Why so many "difficult" moms? I have no idea, though something has been suggested about childhood influences of under or over-valuation. I read somewhere that narcissists (who are always "right" and never "wrong") rarely, if ever seek help. Instead, it's the people obliged to coexist in their circles: children, spouses, co-workers, etc who seek therapy from narcissistic cruelty.

Psychotherapists say there is no known treatment for narcissistic behaviors. We can't change the narcissist. We can only change ourselves.

Dear Struggling and others, I believe we all have good and bad in us. Society teaches us to keep the bad under wraps. When of sound mind, the filters we’ve put in place work most of the time. Once dementia kicks in, all bets are off and social filters disappear . Any suppressed feelings and any undesirable traits surface. It’s a recipe for nastiness. (By the way, my brother is the “ golden child”, so I’m in no way writing this as mom’s favorite.) Does having a demanding mom excuse awful behavior? No. Can the person who has dementia help it? Probably not. Can the caregiver handle it? Not always. Is it horrible to deal with? You bet! Do you hold this against your mom? Up to you. Are you learning things you will hopefully never do yourself? Maybe. I love my mom with all my heart. Was she a great mom? No. She made mistakes, she screwed up, she complained, she had/has OCD to the nth degree. She was judge- mental, she wanted me to be girlie, and submissive, always look my best, and to not air the dirty laundry. Society meanwhile, was teaching we women to be independent, speak out, work outside the home, stand up for yourself, etc. See where I’m going with this? Many mom’s identified themselves just as their mother’s did. They were housewives whose complete persona was determined by how their homes looked, how their children behaved, and how they “ took care” of their husbands. So I don’t think all our mom’s were all self centered, controlling people. I do think that behavior was, and is in all of us. Different expectations during different decades determined what behaviors surfaced and what were kept in check. Dementia kicks in, and anything goes. Every behavior is magnified ten fold for the person afflicted and every emotion is magnified for their caregivers.

What an imperfect world we live in. These posts have made me so sad. I'm so very thankful for my precious mother, whom lives with me with many, many health issues. It's difficult, yes. She did the best she could in raising us. Our lives were filled with love, hope and encouragement. The love carried us through. I try to think of all the positive things and just be grateful; otherwise, the sadness of the days to come envelope me. I enjoy our last days together. I wish all of you could just enjoy those few special moments in your life. It's those "moments" that can bring peace and even joy. May you be given a smile today and pass it around.

I've wondered the same thing. Mom is in her 70s and is a narcissist, hot-headed and shallow. I've tried to piece together why she's that way. Her mother was extremely fearful, depressed, and constantly yelled. Refuse any meds to help with it. Married to grandad for 60+ years and they fought daily. I'm told their father was physically abusive to my aunt (mom's sis) but not to Mom. Narcissist families usually have a Golden Child (favorite) and a Scapegoat. Mom was the Golden and I think this is why she's so focused on appearances. She had to be the good girl-- don't make waves, always be pretty, everything's fine! She has the Nice Lady Act down pat. Sweet to everyone but her family. She moans how tired she is, despite her days being nothing but shopping and TV.

She wears a full face of makeup daily, even if she isn't leaving the house. As a kid I would sit for hours in a store while she tried on clothes or shopped for house furnishings. The house had to be a perfect showplace, despite never having people over. She'd justify the clothes and shoes by insisting she "had to look good". For whom? Strangers at the mall?

Deep down she has little confidence in herself (raised me the same way, but that's another story). She barely graduated high school. I think she has a learning disability. She could never help me with my homework. Even when I was a kid I knew I was smarter than her, and she knew it too. More ammo against me. She is gullible. Believes everything she sees on TV, parrots whatever Dad thinks.

She had no career goals. I think some of that was due to her thinking she couldn't make it in the workforce. Quit work (secretary) after having the first kid. Nothing wrong with staying home, but motherhood was her job, and she didn't like her job much. She'd do basic mom things, but when it came to interaction or affection with her kids, she couldn't be bothered. She didn't have kids because she wanted to; she had them because it was expected of her. She told me once, "don't ever have children". When I called her out on that years later, she denied it. "I never said that!". She follows the narc tactics of denial, or "I don't remember that".

She was thrilled to have a daughter (me), but looking back I see how I was just a living doll to dress up and show off. As I got older, she saw I wasn't going to be the exact copy of her. And that's where it went downhill. I wasn't fun for her anymore and she resented me for not liking the same things she did. I wasn't a tomboy but wasn't as into looks as she was. She kept trying to force me to be like her. The more I resisted, the more she pushed. It was so draining. Yet she never saw what the problem was. "I just want you to look nice!" (real meaning: I want you to look good because it makes ME look good). Twisting it as if I was an ungrateful brat and her only having the purest of intentions. The whole premise is messed up... "I wouldn't nag you if you'd just do what I want". It's like when a husband beats his wife and says "I wouldn't have to hit you if you'd just behave." Victim blaming. Since I was 8 I've been well aware that I am not the daughter she wanted. That's hard, when your own mother doesn't like who you are.

She's lucky she married my Dad, because her Good Girl complex would have been a perfect match for an abuser. In her efforts to keep everything looking fine, she excuses bad behavior with an "oh, they didn't mean it." Even if they DID mean it, she tells herself the opposite.

It's kind of sad. She won't get help because she doesn't see the problems. She thinks she was a great mom, when in reality she couldn't fully love her kids and we resent her. I think she WANTS to, but can't because she just shut that part of her brain/heart off.

Hm. Doesn't answer why so much, guess I had to vent, haha. :)

We, especially women, are living longer as modern medicine and the ability to pay for it via insurance has kept us from dying at early ages as in the past. My grandparents and parents all were dead (heart disease or cancer) by my current age (81), although I did have one great-grandmother who lived longer (86) and developed dementia. My mother, who had a newborn baby (my younger sister) was brought in to care for her grandmother as my mom's parents ran a business that needed their full-time attention. However, they never called an MD when my demented great grandmother got sick (there was no Medicare or Medicaid then, 1947), and when she quit eating she passed away within a week. I personally believe everyone over 80 should quit taking preventive drugs, and I have done that.

I don't know about you, but I think those 50's parents were nuts. They didn't have that much choice in the matter on whether to have kids or not! The men were mostly absent and the women depended on the men for support. Kids were meant to be seen and not heard. So yes, I think your right.

Who knows. Maybe it is just our speaking out here that gives us a forum that makes it SEEM that way. My mom was never so much a narcissist but the traits she brought /brings to the picture I think reflect the times she grew up in and changes for women over the years that she really couldn't take advantage of. So she was unhappy/envious of what her daughters had access to. She has always been unhappy, somewhat depressed, nearly incapable of joy it often seems. And fearful of driving. Before the dementia she wasn't much different and she excels at complaining and being negative. It seems apt that she would be delusional enough to think she "always" cleans; she still goes through the motions of attempting to "look nice" when she goes out, even though her coordination of clothing is off, she still puts on some cheap jewelry, watch etc. BUT she is nasty at her core. In spite of my living in, I am now little more than a nearly 24/7 (aside from work and errand running, maybe a meal out) security system and housekeeper, personal assistant/bill payer. And still the old script of hers will surface with the "it's MY house" and "if you don't like it you can move!" She was too much a woman of her generation who did what was expected. I have said before how when I go to target and see the hubby/wifey mugs I giggle and am tempted. She's the wife, I am the wifey taking on most (thank god not ALL) of her responsibilities. ANd considering what an inconsiderate messy she married that I am cleaning up after, I would have divorced this guy! People ask what his secret is to making it to 101...I say he had good women taking care of him. She's often not speaking the nasty stuff so it isn't as bad as what some here go through. I try to engender compassion, but sensitivity and compassion were rarely tossed my way...and although I despise the "blame the mother" mentality, it's clear that her own issues for which she would never seek treatment impacted both me and my sister to some extent. I was the one who wound up in therapy decades ago. Why did the men stay? Why wouldn't they? It's a small price to pay for a built in service provider of many types, and they are just fulfilling their own societal roles. Pretty much fact if more than one kid one will be the favorite, most likely the one out of town who has never lifted a finger to do anything. Welcome to the good daughter's club. And who knows what WE will be like....but with more of us opting for singlehood, I fear greatly for who will be taking care of us if we need help.

HI.
Actually, my mother was a great MOM but she had her issues just as we all do. The problems with aging is that all issues get intensified...all negative personality characteristics do too.
My mother had OCD, even as a child. While she was working and very busy, this trait helped her in her business. Once the work and busyness stops, mental energy turns inward.
The focus is on aches, pains, fears and illnesses. On top of this, the anxiety increases as they see their faculties diminish. The worries about what will happen to them, is off the chart.
Add to this, any infections like UTI's which affect cognitive skills. And so many elderly suffer depression which contributes a lot to horrible behavior.
It is the perfect storm creating lashing out and inappropriate behavior. When this happens with my mother, I need to back away until she is more in control of herself again.
She tells the doctor she does not know why this happens to her...why she uses abusive language to her aides and me. Her doctor thinks she has no control over it.
All I know for sure is that it is painful to bear the brunt of it, and scary too, for both of us. Talk with your mother's doctor about this negative behavior to see if he thinks there may be a medical reason for it. Try to empathize by imagining yourself in a similar position in the future. Sometimes empathy can help us to cope better with our aging parents. Good luck.

My mother was always difficult. I thought my situation was unique until about a year ago I came to the realization that she was a narcissist after doing some research on the subject. She fit the mold perfectly. It really explained a lot to me. I always wanted to maintain a relationship with her because she is still my mother and I loved her. My stepsister went no contact in 1982 when my mother was 56. I ended up taking care of her for 2 decades. Right now she is in very bad shape. She is 92 1/2, has survived stage 4 breast cancer, 3 strokes, and a couple of heart attacks. She has not acknowledged me as her son for the past 4 1/2 years. I don't think she has a lot of time left. I feel like she could have had a much better life if she was different. In spite of the difficulty, I love her and she will always live inside of me.

I hear you - my mom was married twice and my father (her second husband) was a business man and my mom didn't have to work outside the home. She raised children but I remember her shopping at Neiman Marcus and we had a beautiful home, took vacations, etc. My younger years were happy. But then my father's alcoholism really kicked in - he lost a business venture, went bankrupt, and we had to sell our home, some cars and possessions. Later that year my sister was found dead right before Christmas. It was a downward spiral afterwards. My mom and I basically ran away and started over. But my father located us a year later...and yes she went back to him! And life which for me was very happy and content being with family, making new friends was thrown in turmoil once again. Later when I moved out - I remember her basically attacking me verbally! I wanted to get a good job in the city and start my life. There was never any talk about college and looking back I don't believe my parents gave me one red cent. So now at almost 60 - my mom is living with me again - we have had a contentious relationship at times. Sometimes she acts very nice and then all of a sudden it's "HELL on wheels". Not a lot of love, respect, affection etc. in my family. I'm single, no kids but my friends are my family. I work full-time, have hobbies, etc. and a full life. But my mom has been hard on me, critical, judgmental, and offered no encouragement. It's made me very tough and independent to say the least! So for that I thank her! I never want to be dependent on anyone. I'm doing what I consider a daughter's duty but it is hard at times. But one day she will be gone and I know I did all I could to make her life easier, and provider her a place to stay. Not sure if that helps but God Bless to all the caretakers out there! If you don't walk a mile in our shoes - please do not judge!

So I mostly lurk on this forum because I am not regularly involved in my mother's care as I can only visit a few times a year. But this thread and others help me see that though I have my own set of " I wish" about my mom, there are others who have suffered more. I must give my mom (who came of age during WWII) tribute that I always had an example of unconditional love and a person who tried to see the best in everyone.

I think it's what the aging process does to our mothers. My mother was a loving mother during my childhood. (my older, special needs brother was her favorite, but she still loved me.) However, at 86 she's become very self centered and difficult to deal with. She's negative towards everything and everyone.

The "difficult mother" is such a broken record that I think it's more about the aging process and the fact that mothers often live longer than our fathers. My dad died at 76 so I didn't see how he would have behaved at 86.

I have one of these moms who is also miserable to the core. She is 84. I am 61 and her only child. While she's always had combative behavior, it's escalated 150% with her dementia.

Just last week, I decided to go no contact because of her verbal abuse through FB messenger and on the phone. I honestly don't care if it's the holidays...I won't accept this behavior from her or anyone else. It's a tough call....because my kids and I are the only ones who have seen this side of her.

Everyone else thinks she is so sweet because that how she portrays herself to them...She's definitely a narcissist with a major personality disorder. I am over it.

So many questions, yet so few answers. I think many of you hit it right on the head - submissive mothers under the thumbs of controlling fathers. And if you start to think about it we are the "boomers" and with so many of us (and now the majority being women) we are finding our voice and our Moms are just finding theirs, even if it is during a declining health stage.

My Mom remarried, then one year later the dementia surfaced, and she was downright mean, luckily our stepdad is truly a loving person and was there for her until the end. The "mean" stage did pass and after that all she did was smile, barely spoke, but when she smiled she lit up the room and he just beamed.

If you can, focus on the good, there is/was so much. The declining health years are so few when you look at the whole package that is your Mom or Dad. I always try to remember what they put up with from all of us (there were 6), can you imagine the "group" meltdowns we must have had? And there was only the two of them to cope with all of us, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

At the same time there's 6 of us and at the end only one of Mom and one of Dad - am very grateful for our time with them. Now that they are both gone when we get together we always talk about the good memories, rarely about the declining years, you will too.

Happy holidays all!

I was just thinking this morning: Over the past 5 years I've been seeing many friends lose one parent. In my case, my dad developed dementia and had to be placed in a care home, leaving my mom "alone". It seems like when the dad is left behind, there is not a burden on the adult children. Dad knows his kids are busy and he wants to remain as independent as possible. However, when it's the mom left behind, someone (usually the adult female child) is "on the hook" for extensive support and care. Our moms don't realize that our generation (I am an "old" Gen X-er born in 1967) of women are typically working more than 40 hours a week, we will be working through our 50s and 60s (maybe into our 70s?), and we are not getting any younger either. Aging parents are living for (sometimes) two decades beyond the ability to live independently, and it's not a viable situation for the typical middle-aged adult child to take on the caregiver role for this extended amount of time.

I think a lot of women back in the 1950's were homemakers taken care of by their husbands and never learned to think for themselves. Being in your own little world like that could cause problems later on, I don't know.

This thread really caught tightly on my radar. It's not clear to me what happened to my mother when she was young, to bring on some of the things I experienced! Her parents sounded like they were "present," but in that day and age (she was born in the late 1920's), not many had wealth in her small town and people just worked hard to feed their families. She wasn't exactly a "diva," but, narcissist, yeah. Scapegoated me? For sure. Talked me down to others? Oh, my gosh. I had four brothers and I don't think she was quite as tough on them. But she stuck it out, taking care of us herself when Dad left her with five young kids. The woman was loving yet had her moments... Angry, I'm sure. But I wouldn't change her as my mother for anything. In the last few years of her life, when I was her main caretaker other than the ALF, there were more special moments, times when she thanked me, acknowledged she had been tough on me. Sometimes it was ugly, but those sweet moments made up for it. I don't know for sure what happened emotionally and mentally to people of that generation. Obviously from this forum their "difficult" traits were rather common! The trick is not to carry the anger around like an albatross yourself.

Thank you for bringing this up. It feels like a forbidden subject so much of the time.

I'm just a little older at 67 and my mother wasn't narcissistic. BUT, back then, you married and you had children - really, it was expected. I do honestly believe that my mother would have been happier without children.

I told my father that I was sorry he hadn't been able to follow his dream of traveling and working in every state in the USA. His reply was that then I wouldn't have been born. My reply? You don't know that - I might have been born to different parents - and if not born, so what? You only get one chance to follow your dreams. And the way my mother loved to travel, it would have been her dream too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are a lot of angry-sad old ladies out there that never found the fulfillment they craved. No Prince Charming rode in on a White Stallion to take them to Everlasting Happiness. Instead they slaved trying to raise children and keep house for a husband. And I'm sorry to have to say this, but not all children appreciated anything. The children of the 50's and later, expected immediate gratification. And many of them moved back in with Mom (and Dad) after failed marriages, and still expect immediate gratification and have squandered Mom & Dad's retirement funds.

Two sides to every coin.

I know what you mean I had a horrible childhood and now I’m reliving it, I’ve taken care of a lot of people this is the most horrible of even with my experience I just want to run thank you for bringing up this subject I haven’t written in a while because of all the problems hang in there

Sounds like you have hate in your ❤ seems to be ALL ABOUT YOU..YOU..YOU..
I would be so HAPPY to be able to take care of your mom. Mine has been gone for 20yrs. My grown children and grandchildren wish i was dead.
PRAYING FOR YOU👋
#UNCONDITIONALLOVE

I so appreciate knowing that "we girls" have never been the culprit in all they interpret as "wrong" in their lives. It is easier to blame another than to learn to deal with your frustrations.

Maybe the answer is that so many of us never dealt with “honor your mother and father” from the Bible. I must admit I do not have the problem of taking care of an elderly mother - mine died in 1970 and now that I am 72 yrs and dealing with a most disrespectful daughter- I wish I could go to my mother and apologize for anything that I did that did not show how much I appreciated everything she did for me. I am so thankful that I am still physically able to take of myself- as I would not want the only child (36 yrs old) I had to take care of me. I have stated and pray that, when I can no longer take care of myself- that I close my eyes and make my transition!
So - to answer the question- I believe in prayer and I also believe that the only person you can change is yourself.
So, to those of you going through these toxic relationships - I pray that GOD/Universe or whatever higher being you believe in would grant you much Favor, Mercy and Grace; and that each situation becomes more loving.
Please also pray for me, as I work through my own issues of forgiveness. Blessings to you all.