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She gets an idea in her head and you literally cannot talk sense to her. At all. Normally, it's me that she's attacking but sometimes she makes up stories about my daughter in laws, too, occasionally. She came to this country when she was 31 so the idea of daughters are servants was pretty ingrained in her already. She yells at me a lot and accuses me of things that I did not do. She twists everything. It does no good to defend yourself. This happened again yesterday and I find myself so blue. It has been this way my whole life and is just getting worse with age. I have a brother in another state that she adores but he will have very little to do with her. HOW DO I CONTINUE TO DEAL WITH THIS AND NOT BE THIS UPSET?

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I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have put up with her own children acting this way and neither should you. Now if she is mentally ill with dementia speak to her treating physician about medications to treat her behavior. She may be experiencing depression and anxiety and there are meds for this. It will calm her down and make your life easier... been there ....
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Heather,
You don't mention if your mom has dementia or not.
If not, then you'll need to set boundaries on what behaviors you will and won't accept. Tell her what the consequences of her behavior will be (Like you will leave when she disrespects you). You MUST follow through with these actions or she'll see she can get her way.

If your Mom has dementia, then you can throw everything I just said out the window. There is no way you will get her to realize what she's doing wrong. Old behaviors INTENSIFY with dementia. She can't be blamed because she's not functioning on all levels.

I know how hard this is because my mom was narcissistic. It was pure hell until she got to stage 6. The narcissism is now gone.

If you have to be with her and she disrespects you, leave the room for a few minutes.
Say a prayer and try to relax before you go back into the room with her.
Remember better times and bring them up with her to get her out of the current grumpy mood she's in.
Look up "breathing for relaxation" on YouTube and practice frequently.
If you ar Make sure you get enough breaks-however you need to organize them. If you are her 24/7 caregiver, you will need a couple of hours a day and at least one day a week for a break. Make this happen even if you have to get nasty with siblings or use her money to pay for a c/g to come in.
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Please read about "detachment", or "grey rock technique", either on this site, or at https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/ . (otherwise google those terms for unlimited info). ✌💞
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stay away from her. I learned to stay away from toxic ppl because my sanity and peace of mind is very important...
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heather, we all need to spend a day in the shoes of our elders. Even though life for us is pretty much crash and burn from the caretaking, physically and emotionally. Makes one want to go screaming into the night.

One day I visualized how life had changed for my late 90 something parents who had still lived in their house. Gone were the days where my folks could jump into the car and go shopping whenever they felt like it. They use to leave the house 2 or 3 times a day, and loved doing that. As they aged, it was maybe once a week if I was available to drive them.

At their age, their siblings and friends pretty much had passed on, or moved out-of-state to be with their grown children.

Aging isn't easy. Mornings start with aches and pains. One's eyesight and hearing were failing [my Mom no longer could hear and she was now legally blind]. Stairs were always a challenge, and after the fact I found out that they would be falling on the stairs on a regular basis [Mom refused caregivers].

Dad loved gardening, but he would be found face first in the dirt due to tumbling over while pulling weeds. Either a neighbor would help or 911.

Dad loved to eat and Mom did her best, but she would buy a lot of sweets because that was all she could now taste.

Rushing to the bathroom was a losing battle, thus Depends was now the garment of choice. Dad hated to wear them in summer, terrible hot and uncomfortable [I found that out, too, when I needed to wear them after surgery].

The list goes on and on.

"Story telling" by your Mom helps break boredom. Plus this can also happen when one has memory issues. My Mom would tell some outlandish tall tales, to which I just smiled and listened. Correcting Mom would be fruitless.

Ok, I know what I wrote won't stop the issues you are dealing with, but it could give you an idea on how one's elder is dealing with life.
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You can only be verbally abused if you allow yourself to be. Do you live with her? If so, it may be time to go. If you are caring for her, she obviously doesn’t appreciate you. Notify your “adored” brother, find a place to live and leave them to each other. I would not argue with her. Nor would I allow her to make me “blue”. Neither is a productive way to live. If she’s been here for over sixty years, she should be aware by now that the idea of younger women family members as servants doesn’t fly here. Unless, of course, you subscribe to that theory as well.

You have options other than staying in this toxic environment. Check out low-income apartments if you have little funds. You are your mother’s entertainment. She thrives on being the way she is and will never change. When she sees the effect she has on you and others, she’s accomplished her mission.
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It is okay to tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and if she can't be nice she needs to be quite. I don't know why we tolerate behavior from our parents that we would never tolerate from anyone else.

She needs to treat you with respect and kindness that she would a stranger if she can't manage more. She left her culture to come to another country, she doesn't get to wipe her feet on you and your son's wives.

Tell her enough, play nice or play by yourself, she can't scream and yell and belittle you if your not there.

You don't deserve to be treated like dirt, set boundaries and stick to them, let her throw her tantrums, walk away and live to fight another day.

Statistics show that 40%+ of caregivers die before the person they are caring for do. This is the kind of stress to do just that.

Common courtesy needs to be taught to this woman.

Best of luck, take care of you as well on this journey.
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Your profile says Mom has Dementia/Alz. You can't reason with her. She has lost that ability. She no longer processes what you say. Getting something in her mind and not letting it go is a Dementia thing. Its only going to get worse. Have you had Mom evaluated by a Neurologist. If not, maybe you should. Be aware, that she will not be able to live independently eventually.

There is always a "favored" one its usually the child that does nothing and takes advantage in some situations. They can do no wrong.

To keep your sanity, you are going to have to just walk away. Tell her you will see her when she can treat you with respect and walk out, Will it work, probably not because of the Dementia. But for you, you have to walk away,
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I have no idea how to answer this especially if you are her care provider and I don't know your full situation.I will say this, you don't deserve to be treated like this at all. It's not good for your well being. If your mother is not soley dependent on your care you have to put up boundaries and distance.
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