Does anyone have any idea how so many of us ended up with such difficult moms? What the hell happened?

I don't know....there are a lot of us. My mom is not awful, but she can be very hard to be around. There is no way I could care for her....I'm afraid I would be mean to her.....I love her and I don't want that to change. Her expectations are too much for anyone to live up to in life. She wants me to give up my job and where I live to lead her life. There is no reasoning with her. I want her to be safe and well cared for....I just don't have it in me. And she is a lot bigger than I am.

My mother (died two years ago at 95) had issues that I am still figuring out now. She wasn’t a bad mom. I was never abused physically but she could be snarky and sarcastic. I was an only, born she was 32 and Dad was 40. I think they wanted me. I wasn’t an oops but I think there were times she rethought her decision. I was colicky and when I got older, a “Tomboy”.

I really, truly believe that when we decide to live with and take care of our moms, we think we’re going back to when we were kids and living at “home”.

My husband and I met, dated and married in the 70’s. Of course we slept together before we were married. It was almost expected of couples back then. All our friends did. But I was a slut. Either that or she was jealous. Then I found out during her babbling in the nursing home that she probably cheated on my dad with her boss. WTH?


I believe we are the problem, not them. We grew up subservient to our mothers, as they did. Then all of the sudden, there was the NOW and we thought, “wait a minute”. We don’t HAVE to snap s**t every time they bark at us. Gloria Steinem says we don’t! And therein lies the problem.

But I agree. It sure seems like narcissism and toxicity is the norm around here with our mothers. .

Ahmijoy: "I believe we are the problem, not them. We grew up subservient to our mothers, as they did. Then all of the sudden, there was the NOW and we thought, “wait a minute”. We don’t HAVE to snap s**t every time they bark at us. Gloria Steinem says we don’t! And therein lies the problem."

And mothers are living longer than they used to, thanks to medical science. So we have more years to have to deal with them.

struggling1, ah a different time, a different era.

Back in the 1940's, 1950's, and 1960's, there weren't all these modern devices to help with house cleaning. My Mom used a ringer washer and had to hang wet clothes on an outside clothes line [dryers weren't the norm]. Microwaves weren't even invented for home use. Usually a family had one car, and Dad used it to drive to work.

I noticed "Mom's job theory" not too long ago when my Dad had a heart attack. Mom refused to believe it, and got angry if I or anyone else said it was a heart attack. Mom felt like she wasn't a good wife if her husband got sick. What would the neighbor's think???

Dad didn't mind all of the "house rules" as his man cave back then was his workshop which he had in the basement and also one in the attic. Dad was pretty handy around the house. He was always inventing something.

One thing I also noticed when I was younger, Dad got to retire.... but Mom didn't. Dad could enjoy doing things he liked, but Mom still prepared 3 meals a day, did the laundry, did the grocery shopping, and waxing the floors. Wait a minute.... this isn't fair !!

Even in my generation [70 something] and probably with some women younger, when it comes to the holidays, who does the vast majority of the work? Who buys the Christmas cards, address them, write letters to enclose? Who does most of the family gift buying, buying the wrapping paper, doing the wrapping, and doing the mailing? Who decorates the house? Who does most of the baking? I remember my ex always wondered why I was so tired at holiday time? Hello, his contribution was buying the Christmas tree... [rolling eyes].

I don't think our parent's generation was any more narcissistic than any other generation. I think that we boomers are much more open to the idea of criticizing our parents in public (they would have called it airing our dirty linen), plus with the help of the internet we can learn the differences between normal and dysfunctional and easily connect with a community of peers.

My Mom was not narcissistic, but we could push each other's buttons.  She got along real well with my brother and his wife.  I don't know about percentages, but those with difficult moms are more likely to write in for help, so it seems like more (?)  Other possibilities were also mentioned.

Times have really changed for women - it is now quite possible for a woman to make a decent living for herself in the workplace - she doesn't have to marry a roof over her head and 3 square meals a day.  But for most women that was not true til fairly recently - for most of the women of the world it is still not true.  So many women who have no aptitude for marriage were marrying, raising kids they did not want, etc.  They were not good mothers because they had no interest in being mothers.  They felt trapped in situations and thus were likely to focus on their own wants, to act narcissistically.
And the options opening up for younger women made them feel even more trapped since it was hard in many cases to move into that new world.

I know in my case, at 57 years old, I learned that I was the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Check out DONM online, it literally saved my sanity and my life. I was able to stop drinking, and stop attempting suicide. She had me hating myself that much. Oh, and the son, yeah, the only reason my son walked on water was because she was able to poison his mind and lead him to believe that I was "doing the best I could", under the circumstances which were that I was an alcoholic and she loved him more than I did. Narcissistic mothers are also severely passive/aggressive. I wish you all the best. You probably will find the missing puzzle piece like I did once I learned that she had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. God bless you. Write back if you have any more questions.

Oh, men won't usually understand the Narcissistic mother, every man I've ever met thinks mothers walk on water. Alrighty then. My mom 'loved' my first husband, who was a meth addict, my son's father, who abandoned him 18 years ago, my son (and I on my son's behalf) can't even find him, and I finally had to tell my mom, "stop saying how wonderful Davids dad is! It sounds like you like him because he left us, abandoned him and has never helped support us'. She stopped.

I'm not sure we are the first generation with awful mothers - I think we are the first generation that doesn't buy into the daughters-as-slaves mentality. My husbands aunts all cared for their moms or in-laws slavishly while the grande dames rang the bell and made more demands. The families were large and there was usually one daughter - usually the youngest - that was groomed from childhood that she was stupid and only good for playing fetchit for mama. even the kind old ladies had a daughter or daughter-in-law that did for them - even if they lived in assisted living.

I am far too selfish and prefer my work, my husband, my son, and my interests to be the slave. Definitely I help but only things they cannot do themselves or hire someone to do. So I say no to washing windows, doing laundry, and bringing in groceries but yes to helping them with insurance, claims, on-line applications, kind of the paperwork hell. And it has gone very much unappreciated by the elder men and women in my life. And their peers tut-tut over me and how selfish I am. Long ago I grew a thick skin. I would rather them bad mouth me and be angry than me knuckle under the never ending list of demands and resent doing it. Like my therapist said often to help me set boundaries "someone is going to be angry in this situation - why is it always you?"

I wonder if the post war prosperity, the great American dream, coupled with
the beginnings of rampant consumerism had something to do with it. Stay
at home middle class moms like mine could sit at home all day watching TV
or shop all day. Children to these types of women were more akin to accessories
and personal servants trailing behind holding their bags.

I think there has always been narcissism, but prosperity can make it seem worse.
When there is so much luxury and free time, mothers could spend it berating
and abusing their daughters. Back in the "good ole days" everybody had to work.
My mom neither cooked, not cleaned nor volunteered or parented. She essentially
lived like royalty and I was her slave and whipping girl.

Many families I lived around were totally opposite, moms worked or if stayed at
home, were constantly baking, car pooling, volunteering etc. Maybe narcissism
has just been around forever and just gets out of control during periods of
economic growth.

I'm 61 and an only child. Mom got pregnant accidentally with my dad while she was waiting for a divorce from husband #1.
I felt "in the way" growing up. I know my mother would not have wanted children because she felt so bad for HER mother who had 7.

Mother wanted to be seen as a diva but she worked selling dresses in a department store. She needed to feel she was better than most other people. We didn't have a "mother-daughter" relationship and she certainly wasn't my "best friend".

From this site;
Narcissism;
"An excessive interest in oneself, often accompanied by grandiose views of one's abilities, a lack of empathy for others, and an excessive need for admiration."

That was my mother throughout my life. (Only good thing about advanced Alzheimer's is that the narcissism is gone. Maybe it's God's way of letting me see her without narcisism before she passes away.)

My mother came from a middle class family, her dad worked, her mom stayed home and raised 7 kids. Nothing fancy but enough.

She and her sister grew up wanting the best of everything, other people never seemed to matter. Each wound up marrying 4 times. Neither had compassion for "less fortunate" persons. Both were very "me" oriented. Growing up, I knew I never wanted to be like them.
My grandma never seemed that way (stoic Sweedish woman). Why did mom and her sister turn out that way?

Like the OP, I thought it could be the water (LOL) or just the "vibe" going on in that generation. Maybe it was the desire of my grandma for her daughters to have a better life than she did and they took it too far. Maybe that was how they were "supposed" to act. (Remember being a hippy and how we acted 'cause everyone else did?)

God only knows what caused this seemingly huge group of women to behave this way.
I'm just glad it wasn't genetic. 😊

Maybe it's just as simple as this site is a welcome relief to those living in a nightmare of sorts .. catering to the whims and unreal expectations of the elder they care for .. and so they go seeking like minded peers/support.

Maybe those that are living the life of a c'giver . to someone eternally grateful and compliant and appreciative .. they never land here.

I think family dynamics and dysfunction and never talking about or seeking help for issues kept the dysfunction being passed on, at least in my mom's case.

I found out when I was 30 that she endured horrible abuse at the hands of her uncles. She had always said some bad things happened, but never talked about it until she was in the hospital after a diabetic coma. I don't think she remembers, but at that time she did tell me what she went through and named her abusers. She just out of the blue starting talking about her childhood and then telling me some things that were very disturbing. I don't know why, except maybe she had held it in for so long that she needed to get it out.

Her mother resented her for being female. Her mom lost her dad to a heart attack at age 8 and the way she talked she blamed her mom. HER mom was like mom, very needy, clingy and parentified her from the stories she told. Grandma doesn't like women because of this. Mom has two brothers and mom is the only girl, and her mom has always treated her horribly but worships the guys, despite one being a drug addict who won't work and the other being abusive with severe anger issues. Her mom sweeps any and all issues under the rug. It's like, let's not talk about abuse. If you even mention there is a problem, not only is it denied and ridiculed, there is something wrong with you for even suggesting such a thing. Follow the status quo is the name of the game. Needless to say, I am considered a black sheep because I refuse to stay silent.

It was a few years back when I was going through some things with my own daughter that I started going to therapy and finally talking about things to try and work through the dysfunction in my family. I wanted to try and break the cycle.

I think mental illness and personality disorders are to blame too, but some of it is definitely influenced by growing up in a dysfunctional environment. Mentally I don't think mom ever really grew up.

I will be watching this thread.

I was talking on the phone with my neighbor earlier this evening.

Both our Mother’s passed away in 2015.

My Neighbor and myself were our Mother’s least favorite child, or it seemed that way to us. My neighbor and myself both ended up caring for our Mother’s and over seeing their end of life care.

We both loved our Mothers but we didn’t like them very much.

During our conversation tonight the topic of our Mothers came up. There were a lot of “what a piece of work”, “what a fine lady everyone thought she was”, “how did she get away with treating people the way she did”, those types of phrases dropped a lot by both of us.

Honestly, I still don’t know what my Mother’s real problem was. I don’t know if she was a true narcissist. I do know she sought admiration and attention constantly.

As sad as it sounds I too tolerated my Mother much better as her Dementia worsened. As her Dementia worsened she became much less mean. Probably because she didn’t really know who I was.

I have tried very hard and I think I have succeeded not to be the type of person my Mother was. Or I just didn’t get that part of her DNA.

Agree that waking up to parental dysfunction when we "kids" are 40-60 is stated to be a trend and I am right there as proof. Anyway, what happened to this generation? I assume they grew up with people who did not know how to be a good parent, did not have good role models, and nobody talked about it. With my parents, dad's parents divorced when he was a teenager, and mom's parents died in a car accident when she was 10. I assume they had abandonment issues and never got counselling which fostered their narcissism. Then these two people married and had kids. Ugh! There is a cycle of narcissistic abuse that can be handed down to younger generations because it is all they know. I wish it was just the older generation, but my sister is a raging narc as modeled by dear mom, and I worry for her kids.

Wow--
this post hit a nerve with me...my MIL is such a PITA....I've had to deal with her total hatred of me for over 44 years. DH? He doesn't see/hear it..just asks me to please be "nicer" to his mother.

Last night we had some errands to run, one of which was to take her her b-day gift (which I had bought, of course..and wrapped).,,,and I usually beg off of going to see her in her home as I feel trapped and she will be so nasty to me---out loud now, filter is GONE...DH just SITS there like a post. But we also had another place to go after, so I went.

Well, MIL had created some "need" for DH to come to her home. It was an excuse to get him to come see her for her b-day as he had forgotten it.

We get to her house, and his sister is there--she'd fixed the problem already..and she is preparing to leave. MIL walks SIL to the door and says (none too quietly) "oh, sh&t, can you take "B' with YOU. I don't want her here". I am STANDING RIGHT THERE!!! SIL has the grace to look embarassed, but, damage done.

So I get to sit there for 90 long minutes while MIL ramps up about whatever, basically, what a terrible life she's had and how I never understood--etc.

I DO NOT get why she has to pick at me like a scab.

Dh has never ever stood up for me,. Never, not once. The he has the audacity in the car on the way home to say "I HATE taking you to see mom. It's like sitting on a powderkeg", I just looked at him and said "I was a COMPLETE angel. She sat there and picked at me and criticized me up down and sideways and you JUST SAT THERE. " "Oh, I hate confrontation. You need to figure out how to handle my mom".

No, sir, i need for your mother to not be in my life. I was in tears and felt about 12 years old again.

So, NY resolution. Zero time spent with the old bat. She hates me (has told me many times) and why do I put myself in a situation with someone who HATES me?

Dh doesn't like to see his mom, it's a grim duty for him.

I also don't get why this WWII generation seemed to have created so many monstrous Narcs. MIL had it hard, everyone did. She is angry at the world--and nothing ever makes her happy.

I do have to laugh b/c she always says I am too young to "understand" the horrible pain her life has always been. I'm 62. I get it.

And she is going to freaking live forever.

I guess there are difficult moms as there are difficult people. (not that none of us posting here can be difficult!). While my own mom was not abusive, alcoholic, or any of that, she is very OCD, very demanding, unappreciative, etc her whole life and this is magnified as I try to take care of her (not in same house) after my dads passing.

I also have a sister in law who is the same, but five times worse. I guess its as they say you often marry someone like your parent and my brother did just that.

In a way, I put the blame on my dad. People would observe them and say its a good thing my dad was so easy going and low key as only someone like that could put up with my mom . But really it was bad. He was in a don't rock the boat mode, preferring to put up with the craziness rather than deal with it, perhaps causing confrontation. He died this past year of ALZ and my brothers and I sometime joke (or not joke) that he did not die of ALZ, he died as his psycho neuro system was just fried after 65 years with my mom.

But we do feel resentment, as he tried to deal with her the best way he could, his over tolerance and over patience with her just enabled her to be the same way and hosed us kids up too. I never got married. One brother married a woman even crazier, and the one brother, who moved half way across the country is in what would call a farily normal marriage. His wife is a bit nutso too, but very normal compared to my mom and other sister in law.

Anyway, in answer to original question, I think our dads are somewhat to blame for crazy mothers.

To add more to this discussion.... women decades ago pretty much lost their identity. Vast majority were only known by their husband's name.

While doing my family tree, I was able to find a ton of old newspaper articles about the women in my family. Vast majority were know by their husband's name, thus there's a photo of Mrs. Xavier Bishop and her sister Mrs. Milton Smith visiting their mother, Mrs. Orville Kenny.

A relative back in the 1930's who I knew had her Ph.D in physics but it took some major digging to find one article that even made mentioned of such a degree. Her husband also had his Ph.D in physics but that was always mentioned everywhere.... [sigh]. Even upon her death, no mention.

Even obituaries wouldn't include a women's given first name, pretty much the "Passing of Mrs. Augustine Smith". When it came to family trees, was this the first Mrs. Augustine Smith or the second Mrs. Augustine Smith?

And yikes, those female relatives who died as "spinsters" which sounded so foreboding, but the word bachelor had a more accepting meaning.

Another issue, in an obituary I was able to match a person's sons due to their full names, but not the daughters.... which daughter belonged to which husband???

Thus, those women who were ahead of their time, were pretty much unhappy with that current way they were recognized by society. If our elder female relatives are still pretty clear memory wise, ask them if they could change things back then, what would they have liked to have seen.

Ha, I remember back when the bank wanted my husband's ok for me to get a credit card. Forget that, I eventually found a credit card company that would take my employment into consideration.

I had MANY friends who had wonderful, loving mothers. I also have many friends who are close to their MIL's. I myself am a MIL five times over. I love my Inlaw kids almost as much as my own.

I think that we don't talk a lot about functioning families on these boards because..well, they're FUNCTIONING. No drama. No tears.

I am so angry at my MIL today I have worked myself into a migraine. When I let her get to me, I lose.

I have already decided that I WILL NOT be seeing over Christmas. There are no plans with her and I will bow out of anything that includes her.

Does that make me a bad person? Don't know, don't care.

I think that many of us had mothers who lived through WWII and then the 50s and 60s. My own mother ditched my awful father in 1953 and then worked very hard indeed to bring up me and my sisters. Most other women of the same age at that time didn’t work outside the home. Life may not have been all that wonderful for them, but it didn’t involve the trials of working for difficult bosses etc etc. So now we have elderly women with rose-tinted spectacles about how great it was for them in the past, and as their children we are putting up with them now because they are living so much longer than women of their age and class survived in the past. They think that someone has to make it as nice as it used to be, so it has to be us.

If you read as much historical stuff as I do, it is frightening to find out how quickly social norms can change. For example, in the 1930s there was a huge shift from breast feeding to bottle feeding because ‘then you know what they’re getting’. Dietary norms have changed just as quickly in other ways, from ‘go to work on an egg’ to a vegan diet, and social norms have done the same. The only way through all this is to sympathise with how things have changed, but function on the basis of what is reasonable now. Good luck to all of us!

Mally. Yes I am sure you tried and don't deserve to be mistreated. Hope your spouse agrees. I would add to this post what is up with treating daughter and son in laws poorly. I am grateful for the men my daughters married. I know bad examples exist but if that is not the case why is that happening? It's a rhetorical question. I am grateful for the grandchildren they helped produce as well as the companionship for my daughters. When the time comes I believe and hope to feel the same for who my son chooses. It's hard to get my head around the selfishness. People I know who don't have that for their children feel the emptiness.

I think there have always been narc women (and men) in families. However, times are more liberal now, and we are more free to talk about these issues openly. In short, we are not happy being unhappy--and not afraid to say so!

My mom has always been self centered. She is the youngest of 13 siblings so she was spoiled to. After my dad died she became worse. I am a single mom who has a teenage daughter and now i feel like I am raising an additional child. I am also an only child so it all glad on me. The stress is overwhelming. I vowed never to become my mother.

Oh boy ! Am the only daughter with 4 brothers had the most beautiful loving father a daughter could ever want and a controlling,miserable mother an only daughter or daughter for that matter could not possibly want ...My father passed at age 72 and my mother has outlived him by 25 years ...ugh ugh ! Going back in time I could not do anything right in my mother's eyes as she was the first born in a family of 9 siblings and have outlived them all ,I have 4 brothers and there expectations are different than mine by my mothers standard that is my daughtly dutie to do for her as I am single and still working
full time at age 62, all my brothers are all retired and married with partners to help in all aspects of life....my mother has been all about herself ,we never mattered especially her only daughter ,my mother wouldn't walk across the street for her children! I was married for 24 years had 1 son with Cystic Fibrosis and he passed away in 2000 at 24 years old and I loved him dearly never at any time did I become like my mother ....I was the complete opposite of her , I think I received enough love from
My father to get me through ...so you see mother and daughter relationships can be impossible for us to bear , hang in there ,Peace and I wish you the best.

Maybe the answer is that so many of us never dealt with “honor your mother and father” from the Bible. I must admit I do not have the problem of taking care of an elderly mother - mine died in 1970 and now that I am 72 yrs and dealing with a most disrespectful daughter- I wish I could go to my mother and apologize for anything that I did that did not show how much I appreciated everything she did for me. I am so thankful that I am still physically able to take of myself- as I would not want the only child (36 yrs old) I had to take care of me. I have stated and pray that, when I can no longer take care of myself- that I close my eyes and make my transition!
So - to answer the question- I believe in prayer and I also believe that the only person you can change is yourself.
So, to those of you going through these toxic relationships - I pray that GOD/Universe or whatever higher being you believe in would grant you much Favor, Mercy and Grace; and that each situation becomes more loving.
Please also pray for me, as I work through my own issues of forgiveness. Blessings to you all.

I so appreciate knowing that "we girls" have never been the culprit in all they interpret as "wrong" in their lives. It is easier to blame another than to learn to deal with your frustrations.

Sounds like you have hate in your ❤ seems to be ALL ABOUT YOU..YOU..YOU..
I would be so HAPPY to be able to take care of your mom. Mine has been gone for 20yrs. My grown children and grandchildren wish i was dead.
PRAYING FOR YOU👋
#UNCONDITIONALLOVE

I know what you mean I had a horrible childhood and now I’m reliving it, I’ve taken care of a lot of people this is the most horrible of even with my experience I just want to run thank you for bringing up this subject I haven’t written in a while because of all the problems hang in there

I'm just a little older at 67 and my mother wasn't narcissistic. BUT, back then, you married and you had children - really, it was expected. I do honestly believe that my mother would have been happier without children.

I told my father that I was sorry he hadn't been able to follow his dream of traveling and working in every state in the USA. His reply was that then I wouldn't have been born. My reply? You don't know that - I might have been born to different parents - and if not born, so what? You only get one chance to follow your dreams. And the way my mother loved to travel, it would have been her dream too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are a lot of angry-sad old ladies out there that never found the fulfillment they craved. No Prince Charming rode in on a White Stallion to take them to Everlasting Happiness. Instead they slaved trying to raise children and keep house for a husband. And I'm sorry to have to say this, but not all children appreciated anything. The children of the 50's and later, expected immediate gratification. And many of them moved back in with Mom (and Dad) after failed marriages, and still expect immediate gratification and have squandered Mom & Dad's retirement funds.

Two sides to every coin.