I totally understand. I have at least 3 people in my immediate family with BPD. It's one of the most difficult disorders for mental health professionals to deal with. There is no medication for it. The hardest part is that the BPD people don't have the ability to take into consideration all the good things about someone close, so they go from thinking you're the best thing every to the worst monster that ever lived. Living with the anger is so difficult. The walking on eggshells is a daily occurrence.
My cousin #1 is BP and just found out another cousin #2 (we all share the same grandparents) is too. And depression runs in that side of the family. My experience with BP people is they are pretty nice people. Yes, they have manic episodes but there are meds for this. No, meds don't cure it but I think they do help the manic episodes not be so bad. Cousin #1, before she was diagnosed at 40 did drink. She said it calmed her brain down. I just found out about #2 but it explains alot when it comes to some of the things he does.
I think there is more to Mom than BP. There maybe a personality disorder too. Your husband needs to realize she is ill. Whatever disorder she has, she has no empathy. She can't love. Its not because he isn't worthy of love, its that she doesn't know how to love. It has nothing to do with him. I read that if a child is given the choice between a good parent and an abusive one, they will chose the abusive one. Because, the child feels they are doing something wrong and if they continue to try and please the abusive parent the parent will love them.
Your husband is not going to change his Mom. He needs to change how she effects him. Staying away is probably a good thing for him. She is the problem, not him.
JoAnn, Borderline Personality Disorder is a personality disorder, it is not Bi Polar with manic stages. It is a very challenging personality disorder for families to deal with.
There's not much you can do for HER..in fact, probably nothing. You can, and must protect yourself, though.
My MIL has BPD, to a degree and wow, can she be mean. My poor DH, he is torn between feeling like a terrible son and also feeling like she's going to live forever and torment him into the eternities.
Therapy (poor guy, at age 65 he's in seeing a therapist for mommy issues!) has helped very slightly....most recently, in the past months she told him she wished he'd never been born, he ruined her life. He has an older brother, and she was planning to give him to her sister and leave their father and go to school and have 'a life', but she fell pregnant with DH, so it's HIS fault her life has been "the worst life ever lived". And he buys into this, at some level.
When he told me this, my heart just broke. He can't see what a great guy he is--and a lot of times he sinks into depression about this and can't dig his way out.
In his mind, he is still the 'little chit' she called him, daily. She and his father both physically abused him and it makes me sick to look at her sometimes---thinking how poorly she parented the boys. (The sister is perfect and younger enough that she doesn't remember any of the abuse).
Basically, he has just gone non-contact. He went to take her to lunch couple weeks ago for her b-day and she didn't answer the door or the phone and so he got the key and went in the house, shouting for her (she's deaf) and he found her asleep in bed at 12:30 pm, so he left. When he told me this, I asked if he at least checked to see if she was alive and he said "no, and I guess I kind of hoped she wasn't".
How sad.
He is on an antidepressant and I kind of make him take it. He is so much better with it.
When this woman dies, there will be no tears shed from many people. My 3 out of state kids have already said they don't plan to come to the funeral--telling us ahead so we don't expect them. I replied "I don't know if your dad will go either, don't worry about it".
A person who abuses a child abuses a whole generation of people--my DH has struggled to be loving to me and our kids--he feels he does not deserve love.
I have nothing to offer other than my support. I have a close family member with BPD and it is hugely challenging in a young person, I cannot imagine how much harder it would be with a senior.
I know medication does not always make a difference with BPD, but have you talked to her doctor about the challenges you are facing with her? Perhaps an anti anxiety med may help.
I think there is more to Mom than BP. There maybe a personality disorder too. Your husband needs to realize she is ill. Whatever disorder she has, she has no empathy. She can't love. Its not because he isn't worthy of love, its that she doesn't know how to love. It has nothing to do with him. I read that if a child is given the choice between a good parent and an abusive one, they will chose the abusive one. Because, the child feels they are doing something wrong and if they continue to try and please the abusive parent the parent will love them.
Your husband is not going to change his Mom. He needs to change how she effects him. Staying away is probably a good thing for him. She is the problem, not him.
You can, and must protect yourself, though.
My MIL has BPD, to a degree and wow, can she be mean. My poor DH, he is torn between feeling like a terrible son and also feeling like she's going to live forever and torment him into the eternities.
Therapy (poor guy, at age 65 he's in seeing a therapist for mommy issues!) has helped very slightly....most recently, in the past months she told him she wished he'd never been born, he ruined her life. He has an older brother, and she was planning to give him to her sister and leave their father and go to school and have 'a life', but she fell pregnant with DH, so it's HIS fault her life has been "the worst life ever lived". And he buys into this, at some level.
When he told me this, my heart just broke. He can't see what a great guy he is--and a lot of times he sinks into depression about this and can't dig his way out.
In his mind, he is still the 'little chit' she called him, daily. She and his father both physically abused him and it makes me sick to look at her sometimes---thinking how poorly she parented the boys. (The sister is perfect and younger enough that she doesn't remember any of the abuse).
Basically, he has just gone non-contact. He went to take her to lunch couple weeks ago for her b-day and she didn't answer the door or the phone and so he got the key and went in the house, shouting for her (she's deaf) and he found her asleep in bed at 12:30 pm, so he left. When he told me this, I asked if he at least checked to see if she was alive and he said "no, and I guess I kind of hoped she wasn't".
How sad.
He is on an antidepressant and I kind of make him take it. He is so much better with it.
When this woman dies, there will be no tears shed from many people. My 3 out of state kids have already said they don't plan to come to the funeral--telling us ahead so we don't expect them. I replied "I don't know if your dad will go either, don't worry about it".
A person who abuses a child abuses a whole generation of people--my DH has struggled to be loving to me and our kids--he feels he does not deserve love.
I know medication does not always make a difference with BPD, but have you talked to her doctor about the challenges you are facing with her? Perhaps an anti anxiety med may help.
Hugs.