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Currently, my mother is living in an Assisted Living facility. Health-wise she is well, although she claims she is not. My mother has a very toxic relationship with my youngest brother. He has exploited her financially to the extent that he has left her with no money for food, utilities and medical needs. My youngest brother wants mom back, but we know that she only represents a stable check so he and his family can live off mom and not address her medical and daily needs. I am completely burned out. I have my own medical issues and am disabled. My mother is a master manipulator. I was abused physically and emotionally as a child, teen and in my adulthood. Bringing mom to my state to live was a means of keeping her safe. I just want to do the right thing for her, but I need to keep my sanity.

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How you deal with...having a mother....who is....

My answer is, you get yourself checked out, go to therapy to understand how to protect your own self, and deal with what may be your own diagnosis and issues after being raised by your ill mother.

You consider going no contact, and the advice of your therapist.
This is because protecting your mother will perpetuate exposure to very toxic people.

Using the word "deal with" causes me concern. Maybe "coping" works.
But you are suffering, and the most important person in the family right now.
Because you are t h e one asking for help, and wanting change.
You are needing hugs, growth, healing, and understanding.

Report the financial abuse to the AL and APS on your way out.
Do not explain yourself to a n y b o d y .

You cannot "deal" at all, because you have been injured.
But hope and healing is available to you. That is the good news, a result of you reaching out!
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Reply to Sendhelp
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I have read through your post several times, and also your profile, to see if I could grasp the gist of what's going on.

I couldn't. For an example of what I found difficult: you say your mother is well "health-wise," you then imply that she is a hypochondriac, you then go on to accuse your brother of neglecting your mother's medical needs.

I don't think we're getting even one side of the story.
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coqui4pr Apr 3, 2019
My mother suffers from osteoarthritis, hypothyroidism and fibromyalgia. As long as she takes her meds, she is fine. She occasionally is overly vocal regarding her pain. My youngest brother only visited our mother to get money. He once went into her purse without her consent and took her ATM card. He took whatever he wanted and, as usual, left nothing. She loaned him her car and he accrued fines and never took her to her medical appointments. Since she has been with me, I have made sure to take her to any and all specialists to assure that ALL of her needs are met. I did make sure to get a POA so that I could manage her medical and financial. Every cent of her check that I spend is noted and backed by receipts. My youngest brother is in another state and has called asking for money. I have denied him that. Mom and my brother have a co-dependent relationship and she wants to send him the money. Before bringing her to my state, my brother coerced her to sign a loan for him. Her check is direct-deposited at the bank where she made the loan and the bank automatically deducts the monthly payment for that loan. This is less money she has for her own needs. I have reached out to Adult Protective Services, but because he is not in my state, there is not much they can do. It is not just dealing or coping with her. I have to deal with him, as well.
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Then keep her at the facility she's living in. Your brother can pay for her care since he only sees her as a bank. If that won't happen, get her on Medicaid and take it from there. Hopefully you'll recover from the scars your Mom left you.
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Reply to mmcmahon12000
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Keep your Mom in an ALF. They cannot legally evict her if she has no more money, but they will make her a ward of the state, which is not a bad thing. Whatever you do NEVER agree to guardianship over her. You can't save a drowning man who is grabbing at your throat or he will drown you too.
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Reply to carefulmom
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I feel your pain.
You are doing what you feel is right, although it is done through clenched jaws and some level of anger, both towards brother and mother.

I agree that mother/brother's relationship is not yours to worry about. I have the exact same thing going on with my mother my YB. I think she is kind of terrified of him, but continues to choose to live with him and his family in an apartment attached. She complains a LOT about the arrangement and how he treats her. In the past she has asked everyone of the rest of us sibs if she can live with us. All of us declined, reminding her she had choices and she chose to live where she is.

If I were you, I would cut some of the ties with her. If she still has control of her finances, there isn't much you can do, unless you can prove brother is extorting money from her. Doubtful she would admit to it.

As far as the past--you have to deal with that. I suggest some talk therapy to help you learn the "language" of detaching with love.

Having also been a survivor of abuse that mother knew about and did nothing to stop--I have my own issues with her. I curtail my time with her to what I can handle and no more. She is the ONE person who can push every button I have. It hurts to be an elder myself and still be dealing with junk from my childhood.

You are good to be so loving and caring to someone who maybe wasn't the best in the world--my heart aches for every survivor of abuse AND a narc parent.

We kind of never feel "good enough".
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Reply to Midkid58
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Unfortunately, what goes on between your mother and your brother is between them. Not your monkeys, not your circus. If she is mentally competent she can do whatever she wants with her finances including supporting your brother and his family. If she is not mentally competent and has been formally diagnosed as such, he is truly exploiting her and you can enlist the help of an attorney. The attorney may suggest asking Mom to give you Power of Attorney if she is competent. Brother will probably disappear really fast when he learns you have control of the money.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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What needs does she have in AL that are not being met there? Do they amount to enough to require the next level of care? If they do, work on moving her up there. If not, cut down your exposure to her. If this means that she insists on going back to your brother, let it be. Perhaps having someone put up with her for the money is the best she can do. You have already done your best.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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coqui4pr Apr 3, 2019
Mom's decision-making skills seem to be diminishing. The AL she is in do not have the staff to provide for Dementia/Alzheimer patients. I am in the process of changing her into a AL with services for Dementia patients. At this point, I will reduce my exposure to her. She is passive-aggressive and complains about everyone. She is very vocal about pain. She complains loudly when I'm around, but tells the nurse at the AL that she doesn't have much pain. Many people (counselors and family members) have stated that if she stays with my youngest brother, she will not live more than a year. Even though I had a very rough childhood, she is my mother and that sounds scary.
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I am bumping you up.
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