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She is still young and mobile. She has friends but she is giving me a huge guilt trip over not coming for Christmas. She's 11 hours away and I just don't have the money. We just moved and bought a house. In order to get the home loan, we had to put 10% down. I do feel guilty. I hate for her to be alone but she has options with friends. I don't like Christmas at her house, it never feels like the holidays. I'm not talking about gifts, just the mood. There is always drama....Help

Remember, just because someone is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips doesn't mean you have to buy a Ticket.
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Reply to MaryKathleen
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GardenArtist Dec 21, 2019
Mary Kathleen, That's a clever way to describe the situation!
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You just moved and bought a house - you are a big girl now and make your own decisions - WITHOUT the input of your mother. You decide - you tell her the decision and SHUT DOWN any further conversation - especially the guilt tripping. That is manipulative behavior - just say "love you,, gotta go" when she starts. You are not responsible for her happiness at Christmas or any other time. She too, is a big girl. Time to act like one all around.
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Reply to Kimber166
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No one can make you feel less guilty except yourself, but for what its worth you're making the right decision by staying home.
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Reply to HelloImMinsu
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TouchMatters Dec 21, 2019
HERE. HERE. And, this reading this (last comment), I am going jogging myself (at 68, I might add). I had to work on myself for 40 years and it never ends. Parental 'wiring' from the beginning of birth can take a lot of time to recovery / rewire from . . . smile and enjoy the end of year crisp weather and pumpkin desserts.
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If she is "young and mobile" is there a reason she does not come to your house for Christmas?
If you do not have the room at your house a local hotel might be an option.
If this is something that you would be willing to offer as a suggestion then present that to her. As well as reminding her that she has friends that she can spend the holiday with.
Don't feel guilty if she has these options and she CHOOSES to be alone that is on her not on you.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Isn't she happy for you that you have a new home? And that you were able to buy it yourselves?

It strikes me as terribly selfish for her to make you feel bad that you can't make a long and expensive trip to see her.

Maybe she'd like to pay your plane fare?
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TouchMatters Dec 21, 2019
Mother is used to a pattern based on both parties taking part in this dance. One partner has to change the pattern. Mother needs some 'me' time to develop herself. This is a REAL holiday gift.
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Your answer is in your post "She has options with her friends". Let her explore those options, guilt is a self imposed emotion, turn it around, she will only be alone if that is what she chooses.
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Reply to DollyMe
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Stop participating in the guilt trip, you’ve said yourself that your mother has options. Tell her a final you can’t make it and then don’t listen to any more on the subject, if she brings it up get off the phone. We teach others how to treat us, your mother needs to learn to treat you in a manner that doesn’t involve guilt and emotional blackmail. Hope you enjoy Christmas in your new home!
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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"she has options with friends"

There's your answer.

Let her deal with it and you go find a therapist to help you overcome your being raised in guilt compounded by fear and obligation.

There's also a good book about Marriage and Boundaries that might be helpful.

Congratulations on the new house! Have a Merry Christmas!
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Reply to NoTryDoYoda
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TouchMatters Dec 21, 2019
THANK YOU. Yes.
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Why do you feel responsible for how she feels? If there is always drama when you have visited her in the past, then she doesn't feel responsible for how you feel.
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Reply to NoTryDoYoda
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When you are moved by "Fear, Obligation or Guilt" (FOG) it is not love and it is time to do a self-assessment. FOG is used to manipulate others.

She is offering you the ticket for the guilt trip but you don't have to take it.

Staying in your own home for Christmas is fine, Her staying in her home is fine, Her trying to guilt you about not coming to her home is not fine. Don't buy into it. She is making choices as are you. If she wants to be miserable b/c you are not going there, that is her choice. As you say she has other options. This is not about Christmas and you not coming and her being alone. It is about manipulation and control. Step out of the fog. You are entitled to make your own choices even if they don't please others. Have a great Christmas!!!
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