Thanks for the great discussions on this forum for helping to reduce or prevent caregiver burnout, with setting boundaries on what we will or will not do, limiting our activities and actions to a reasonable level, being very important aspects.
I've been working on this a lot and making some gains.
However, I find that, every day, I still spend a lot of time thinking about various issues of my Dad's, even though I've reduced my actions to a reasonable level. But I find that the regular thinking about his issues is a stressor. Any tips about how to manage this? Maybe general tips on how to deal with overdoing thoughts about negative issues? Maybe I should look more some mindfulness type techniques? How do you all deal with this aspect and keep your brains clear of the stress?
This won’t be for everyone, but I picked up a journal called the Hero’s Journal, and it’s helped me so much get back to me. Even in little tiny bits. And I’ve never stuck to journaling - however this one is just 5 min a day. Each day you rewrite your goal, 3 things you’re grateful for, things that will help your goal, things that won’t help, and 3 things you will do. My goals tend towards being a more lively version of myself during these awful times. ‘Dance while cooking’ might be one of my 3 listed tasks. I’ve also changed a couple of not good habits thanks to sticking to this journal technique. It’s like I’m making a daily promise to do something fun.
This journal isn’t a miracle but I have started living better and focusing on grabbing better moments. I dropped off after finishing the last journal, then a truly wrenching time started and I began to slide, so I ordered a new journal to help steer my brain in the proper direction again.
Just food for thought. Good luck!!
Plus, mom laid it on THICK for me when she was doing perfectly FINE when I wasn't around. I'd go and observe her yucking it up with other residents, till she saw me, then she'd get a frown on her face and be in mortal agony and the complaints would start. 100% truth. They put a show on for US most often.
I'd bring mom things I knew she'd like, like snacks and magazines (when she was still able to read) and dvds and blouses w matching costume jewelry. Food from her favorite Italian restaurant. But that was it, it was all I COULD do realistically. I couldn't change her age or her disease or anything else, and neither can YOU.
As far as managing her life in AL and then Memory Care Assisted Living, you bet your life it's time consuming! Which I why I get so aggravated when people say "oh you've dumped your parent off in AL and aren't you lucky". What a stupid joke that truly is. I can tell you stories about errands I've gone on on behalf of my parents over the years that would turn your hair gray. Put in your time doing what you need to do for dad, and then put him out of your mind for the rest of the day. Do something with YOUR family and don't stay preoccupied with HIM so you're not present for THEM. Every time you have a negative thought enter your head, replace it with 3 positive thoughts. Do nice, loving and thoughtful things for YOURSELF every day lest you lose YOU in the quest to care for a man who's terminally ill. This will not end well for him, SS, so take care of you along the way as you have lots of life left to live.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
So it is a simple matter of changing the subject. As we tell folks here all the time, divert your attention. Re-direct your loved one. Do exercises, get on the treadmill, take a walk, put on a podcast, paint some furniture, clean our drawers, clean up the garden, paint a room.
Consider cognitive therapy:
"Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a short-term form of behavioral treatment. It helps people problem-solve. CBT also reveals the relationship between beliefs, thoughts, and feelings, and the behaviors that follow."
I am facing down some medical testing, and as I go along through it step by step, I find my mind, especially in the morning, going over and over and over the same old stuff regarding outcomes, decisions, etc.
I have just to allow about 5 minutes of that and then, like the old dog, shake it off. Get on with the day. Occupy myself.
Best to you strugglin----keep on keeping on. When you start that same-old-same-old just imagine that old dray horse, dragging that same old wheel in the same old circle. And hey, at least he had some ground wheat as the outcome!
I just read your response to Barb about your dad always seems to be an ‘unhappy’ dad. Think about it. Wouldn’t you be unhappy at times too if you were in his shoes? He has lost his independence. All of us need time to adjust to changes in our lives.
It’s unrealistic to think that people are going to be happy more than they are if they have legitimate reasons why they are dissatisfied about certain things.
After all, their best years have come and gone. They know that they are at the end of their lives. Tomorrow isn’t going to be any better for them and so on.
When I looked at my mom struggling with her Parkinson’s disease and knowing how much she longed for life to be over, I didn’t expect her to be happy all the time.
My mother wasn’t a grumpy person and I am grateful that she wasn’t, but I certainly wouldn’t have wanted her to pretend to be cheerful about her life just for me. I accepted how she felt.
When I validated that I understood my mother’s feelings, it helped her as much as it helped me. It is the same feeling that we have when we speak to others on this forum. It’s nice when others can relate to how we feel.
I think you must first accept that fact, before you can eliminate your negative thoughts. Then you can move forward with a more positive mindset.
A local caregivers support group, I found to be very helpful when I was caring for my late husband, as you can let all your negativity and concerns out there with folks who know and understand exactly what you're going through. Hopefully you can find one in your area. Mine meets weekly in person and though my husband has been dead for over 3 years now, I still attend to help others still in the throes of caregiving.
You could also try writing in what I call a grateful notebook. I write in mine everyday at least 5 things that I am grateful for that day.
In your case, you could write 5 things about your dad and his care that you're grateful for as that might just help you keep things in a better perspective for you, and keep your stress to a minimum.
You're doing a great job and the best you can, so rest in the knowledge of that.
God bless you.
Your subconscious mind feed thoughts to your coconscious mind and it becomes fact.
Every night when your head hits the pillow feed it this thought "I will no longer stress over my father" or something like that, eventually your coconscious mind will believe it, might take 3 weeks might take a week, hard to say.
The key is that you must feed it the same thought until it becomes fact to your conscious mind.
One day, you will realize that the stressing over this matter has reduced or is gone. Then move onto another issue that needs to be resolved.
There are many good books on Amazon that deal with the subconscious mind.
I have been doing this for years, I can attest to the fact that it works.
Recognising whar was happening & recognising it was indeed a problem was a giant step.
Well done you for seeing it!
Box breathiing was suggested to me, but I found my mind wandered. I needed to move more of my body. Yoga videos (if time) or aimless doodling with a pen (quick & easy).
Sometimes just going for a simple slow walk, mindfully noticing the gardens & trees helped a reset. Sometimes I needed headphones with upbeat music & a fast pace.
Sometimes I gave in. Ran a bath & let the loop of thoughts go round, *time-limited* then out & change gear into new activity.
I am glad you asked this question.
When I feel the stress/brain invasion thoughts creeping up again.. I know it's time to strengthen my mental boundaries. It may sound self-centered, but refocusing on my own life activities helps.
1) With luck, the amount of ‘time with stuff’ will drop down as you get this all under control.
2) There hasn’t been much on the site recently about doctors appointments. Many posters have found that doctors have made multiple routine follow-up appointments that aren’t really necessary – perhaps once every six months or even a year would do instead of once a month. Multiple specialist appointments can sometimes be avoided by monitoring at the same time in one GP visit. Some parents have just loved multiple appointments – they mean lots of attention on THEM, an outing (often with a family member), and the ability to pop some shopping or a coffee into the deal. Be careful about getting the run-around for things that will make almost no difference to your father and his health. You could follow this up with a few questions to other posters, if it rings a bell with you.
3) Perhaps you could ask family members in your nuclear family to help you distract yourself. If they make the running to make you do or think about them, it could help you. Also be a way for you to be a ‘meaningful member’ of the family, with less stress on you to make it happen. Half an hour in the evening with someone? You may find that at least one will be glad to find something they can do to help in this difficult situation, even if it’s talking about school work.
Yours, Margaret
PS You’re doing a great job!
Its not health concerns. That issue, I think I'm on top of, and I know that it "is what it is", he's 87, with multiple medical issues, and only so much can be done about them. There is only so much we can do about these medical issues, and only so much improvement that we can expect, and likely deterioration will happen with a number of them.
Rather, its more things related to his happiness or lack thereof, state of mind, how to address his complaints and desires, which ones to pay attention to, which ones to dispel and let go, (if they are a function of dementia). I still hate to see what appears to be a "constantly unhappy Dad", realizing a lot of that is probably a function of dementia. I'm still learning all that. What to do about the recurring new requests that come up. Which ones to entertain, which ones to try to ignore and hope they will be forgotten, and which ones to stop head on..... Also, when to add in a therapeutic fib, versus delay, or ignore, or take on head on with a discussion.... those sorts of things if that makes sense.
I find a lot of the other posts interesting and am learning from them all. I'm learning also that, while having a Dad in AL is way less stress and work than having him at his home (with caregivers), or having myself and family as direct caregivers (the most work of all). Even with having a parent in AL, there is still probably 1-2 hours of hands on time with stuff - sorting out doctor appts, bills, financial POA stuff that I have to do, plus a daily call with him, and then these thoughts about things in between. It still takes up a good portion of a day, on top of trying to work full time, and be a meaningful member of my nuclear family.
How some people manage with all the above plus some direct caregiving of a parent in their house and still working a job- I just cannot imagine.
I am no longer a caregiver for my parents. My parents are deceased.
I experienced a great deal of stress as a caregiver. There isn’t any way to eliminate stress altogether.
First of all, consider yourself fortunate because your dad is in an assisted living facility.
My mom lived in my home and that’s a whole different story. I craved having my home being my own private space again. I regret that I didn’t place my mother in a facility.
Before I had help from a caregiver agency I was doing everything on my own.
All I can think of to tell you, is to continue to do things that you enjoy. Don’t put the things that you love doing on hold.
If you want to travel, do so. If you have hobbies, continue them.
Join an in person support group if one is nearby. I did this. We met once a month. Online forums are great but in person groups are more personal. We had a terrific social worker who led our group.
Most people who are chronic worriers don’t see 99 percent of what they are worrying about come to pass. They are miserable. Life is too short to live in misery.
Best wishes to you.