Hi all,
Venting, as usual.
I have an elderly father with all sorts of medical issues but mobility and fecal incontinence are the biggest ones. We have caregivers who come in to help. He's waited on hand and foot and is now so "spoiled" he can't do anything for himself. He won't make decisions, he won't direct caregivers and when he does he's rude as hell. He talks to people like they're garbage because, at heart, he's a bully.
It's also like we're attached by some invisible umbilical cord. He will not make a decision about anything without consulting me first. Including whether he should take a Tylenol for back pain or eat some prunes for constipation. I feel strangled, like his 24/7 employee and trapped. I have nearly lost the will to live. I am of retirement age. I feel I'll never have my own life again so what's the point of going on? It's all in service to this person who has no compunction about sucking my life dry. Zero.
If the caregiver comes, it's some huge deal for me to close my door and let here take over. There's always something he doesn't like about her. He needs a plan laid out for what's going to happen every second that I'm not available. And he needs me to make it for him! This is ridiculous! He's a spoiled old man. I can't take anymore. I'm at my wit's end and am hopeless.
Today, I have just had it and said when the caregiver gets her for her 5 hours, I'm closing my door and she can take care of everything AS SHE SHOULD. For $35/hour I shouldn't have to do a thing including answer a question every 15 minutes about how to wipe his ass.
I found out recently through a series of tests that I've had, at some time in the recent past, a heart attack (silent heart attack). I will NEVER put a family member in a situation like I'm in and expect care. I know that will never, ever happen because I love them too much. This has become an outrageous situation.
People live too damn long. Doctors only care about keeping a heartbeat going to keep scraping up the Medicare $$. I never believed that before but I'm totally convinced of it now. They're making $$ hand over fist dragging these old people to ends that should have come years earlier without caring one bit about the families they destroy in the process.
Example? Giving an Alzheimer's patient cholesterol or high bp meds with the disclaimer that it could be a lot worse if they have a terrible stroke so they should really take these meds. LET THEM GO. We spend billions every year trying to stave off the inevitable. People die. This is part of life.
End of venting. Sorry if this is upsetting to some but I think there are more than a few out here who know and feel exactly what I mean.
24/7 employee even though there’s hired help - check. Treats everyone that helps him like garbage - check. Weaponized incompetence- check. It’s all my fault- check.
I’m also facing major health issues. I’ve decided to allow the disease to take me out - my life was confiscated by my parents long ago, no point in fighting to live when all I’m living for is servitude to ungrateful selfish man. He knows all this & genuinely doesn’t care.
I firmly believe that any parent that forces their child into a long term caregiver role is completely heartless & downright evil. It demonstrates a total lack of value or respect for the child. A child is not a spouse. They did not make a vow of commitment before God. The holding of children accountable for the care of their parents is insane & needs to stop. All too often it’s the most vulnerable & least able to fight back family member that gets targeted for the caregiver duties. It’s gross the way so many people, especially “medical professionals” that are not only complicit but even encourage this practice.
Just my two cents as someone who’s life also got ruined so that my dad could have a few more years terrorizing people.
My only real hope now is that someone hears my story & doesn’t allow it to happen to them.
If he was “spoiled” all his life, he won’t/can’t change now.
If he is depressed and/or anxious, that’s another complication.
If he’s experiencing cognitive deterioration, that’s a third possibility.
If it’s hard for you to “close the door”, and you are experiencing actual DEMONSTRABLE negative physical health consequences, you’re being neglectful OF YOURSELF, and YOU are 100% entitled to be responsible FOR YOU.
Close that door, take a nap, read a book, ANYTHING that can distract you.
Or EVEN BETTER, take a walk, buy yourself a “toy”, see a movie or concert, have a massage, call a friend, ANYTHING to change your perspective if only for a few moments.
The TUBA saved my life. I found soon after I began taking tuba lessons that if I were totally focused on practicing, I couldn’t focus on the painful details of caregiving. FIND YOUR DISTRACTION.
I gained 65 pounds while caring for my mother, and weighed 265 for several years (small boned, 5’4”). I now weigh 135, my “best” me. FOR YOURSELF, BE YOUR BEST YOU.
YOU ARE WORTH THE BEST SELF CARE YOU CAN ARRANGE AND PROVIDE….. FOR YOURSELF.
I wish you could move out of your dads house or move him out of your house and move on with your own life.
Enjoy your 5 hour break today. Maybe you should leave and go to the movies and get a bite to eat?
All this to live with a bully of a father who's "attached to you by some in invisible umbilical cord" except he's not. You're doing this willingly, for some reason, when you don't have to.
What happens when you die first from stress related heart issues, God forbid? THEN dad goes into managed care ANYWAY when that's where he should have been all along!
Please don't wait for a crisis to place the man and live your life as it SHOULD be lived: in peace and joy. Dad will be fine.
Now to your situation. Why are you having to live with your father? Can you not just move out and leave him with his caregivers? Your mental and physical health deserves that much at least.
I mean is it really worth giving up your physical and mental health for a man who is "sucking your life dry?"
I honestly don't believe that things will get any better until you are no longer physically in his house and at his beck and call 24/7. It will be then that he will have to start making decisions for himself, and be responsible for his own care. And if he can't handle that then it's time for him to move into an assisted living facility where he will receive the care he needs and you can get on with living and enjoying your life.
I hope and pray that you know that you deserve that much.
God bless you.
It cost $320,000 of Medicare money to keep her in CICU and install that pacemaker. This is on the taxpayer's dime. All this for a woman who has mobility issues, can no longer toilet herself on her own, is racked with arthritis and is severely depressed because she was fiercely independent and can no longer do much of anything. The only winners in this situation were the hospital and the cardiologist. They scored a big payday.
Now she is in a nursing home and is Medicaid pending. I'm hoping and praying she will get it but who knows. The stress of this just keeps going.
I know this smells of the greatly feared death panels that had everyone's knickers in a twist a few years ago, but I think before you install a pacemaker in a 94 year old woman, there should be an assessment of future quality of life. The same thing is done for heart transplants. A 95 year old person would not receive a donor heart for obvious reasons. There has to be some balance in medical decisions for the super elderly.
I know it is a slippery slope but I just don't agree with all this high tech medical intervention for the extreme elderly. That $320,000 could have been better spent somewhere else.
If it's the former, move out and get your own place. If it's the latter, he needs to go to a skilled nursing facility.
Easy peasy. If you don't see it that way, you need to figure out why you feel this attached to him. It doesn't make sense to be in your situation when he's so awful and you have your own health issues.
I feel for you.
Is it because you are living with him and dependent on him?
Many here feel that blood is thicker than water, in that we are responsible for our parents simply because of the accident of our birth.
I don't agree.
We are adults.
We are responsible for our own decisions.
I myself would leave and move cross country for a real life.
I don't understand exactly why you don't do that.
Can you tell me why?
You know, many (and I mean tens of millions around the world) find this an extremely challenging situation but they don't walk away because it is a level of care that has to be done by someone. Unless throwing him into the street is an option somehow. Or "just" do this or "just" to that, implying it only requires the will to do it and that's it. This is simplistic, isn't helpful, supportive, realistic or anything else.
Thanks for your input though.
And it certainly is not in the spirit of this site which, I thought, was support for those of us doing this challenging work.
I am saying this as another caregiver who knows her limitations and if my heath suffered priority would be obvious. Me.
Your life is worth living. Your current situation is causing all of this pain and suffering. Please make arrangements for your father to live elsewhere.
You are beyond being burned out. Emotionally and physically you cannot afford to continue caring for your dad.
You owe it to yourself to take care of your own wellbeing.
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