Any suggestions?

"my parents are in their 80s and live next door to me. I’ve had numerous serious conversations about home health, assisted living, etc and everything I say falls on deaf ears. My mom knows how to change the colostomy bag and gets my dad bathed and dressed and helps him with going to the bathroom daily."

Thanks for the further information. How often and for how long are you going next door to help your mother? What are you doing when you are over there? What's going to happen when your mother is no longer able to get your father bathed, dressed, and toileted? I suspect that your mother will want you to quit your job.

DO NOT DO THAT.

Are you the only family? Are there siblings elsewhere?

As others have said, this cannot continue. Your H is your priority, not your parents. There IS help available to your parents; it is your mother's problem if she refuses to use it (home health).

Please keep us updated. If you devise a plan of action, we will be here to cheerlead you every step of the way.

There are many home health agencies. If one doesn’t work out then mom should try another.

They can really help. The thing we have to all remember is that our health care system has resources available for the 65 and older group that younger people don’t always have access to.

Here are links to some good conversation starters and worksheets that might help you with some of the tough topics you need to cover with your family members.

https://theconversationproject.org/

https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/Resources/Brochures/docs/Conversations.pdf

I am so sorry that your husband is dealing with cancer. Big hugs to you and take care during this stressful time in your life.

Come here and let us know what you need help with, we care.

The stress on you must be tremendous right now. Maybe it would be helpful for your parents to have some outside help for a few hours a day.

My parents didn’t listen either, their planning for their elder years is an epic fail. They fought having outside help for a long time but once it was in place, they were glad for it.

Thanks for all the replies. I’m glad I came across this forum. I’m new to this sort of thing and forgot to add to my post earlier that my parents are in their 80s and live next door to me. I’ve had numerous serious conversations about home health, assisted living, etc and everything I say falls on deaf ears. My mom knows how to change the colostomy bag and gets my dad bathed and dressed and helps him with going to the bathroom daily. She’s tired and has her own health issues as well. Why won’t parents listen?

You don't mention how old Mom is?

Mom is responsible for Dad. You are responsible for your husband and work, that I am assuming you can't quit because ur the bread winner at this point. If your Mom can afford an aide or can get in home back in, then thats what she needs to do. Your no longer an option. You should be spending all ur free time with your husband.

It is clear that there is way too much on your plate. It's time to scrape some of it off.

First comes your Mom and Dad. Your Mom and you need a good sitdown and you need to tell her that you already have too much on your plate, and you are sorry but you cannot participate in care of Dad. She can keep/hire caregivers, or, unfortunately, Dad may need to enter care. But you can't do it.

It is, unfortunately, time for somewhat brutal honesty. There is no way around that.

You may need family need dependent on your husband's needs ongoing, and on your own ability to have care coming in for him.

I am so sorry. This is a lot to deal with. I am hoping there is some other family or friend support.

Hi! Your profile says ‘I am caring for my Husband, parents, living at home’. It’s not clear if your parents are living in your home or their home. Whichever is the case, you need to lay it on the line for your mother that you CANNOT keep your job, care for your husband, and also help with care for your father. Your priorities are your husband and job (to keep your finances on track). What are HER plans for your father? You can’t do it, and it’s not your responsibility. Then stop doing anything for your father.

If things go wrong, call APS. Father is at risk.

Welcome, Yarn Red..

Perhaps it's time for dad to be in a facility. Your first priority is your ill husband.

If you stretch yourself too thin and become ill, your husband will be without support.

Mom needs to accept that there needs to be a plan other than you for Dad's care. Do NOT give up your job.

Your mother needs to realize that you have A LOT on your plate and to stop being so self absorbed. Your husband is seriously ill and he is your priority. Your mother needs step up and either learn how to change the bag herself or continue with the home health arrangement.