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My mother is 88, has dementia, poor vision and is wheelchair bound and lately can’t even get up to go to the bathroom. She has no concept of time and calls me for help round the clock.


She has become so needy that I have very little time to do anything for myself. She is crying all the time and accusing me of throwing her away. This breaks my heart! She spends most of her time in bed because she is "more comfortable there”. She wants me to stay in the room with her.


I’m caught in the middle... My husband is ready for her to leave. What can I do?

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Well I didn’t realize my mom for 30 years was so demanding on me. I mean I worked as a caregiver several hours a day and come home and then caring for my mom. Well my husband and children said to place mom in a home , that I have no life and she’s being demanding. Well I didn’t listen and the day came and my husband said I’m moving out, he said he can’t stand by and watch me kill myself caring for my mom. Heck I would do for his mom if she had moved in. 43 years of marriage 3 children, 5 grandchildren, and my mom. I couldn’t believe him. Well after back surgery, rt rotator cuff surgery, several injections in my back, and all without pain meds because I can’t live on those. Even now I walk with a walker and I’m 62 yrs old! Long story short, my mom loved my husband and couldn’t believe he’d leave me. She said she has to move out. She couldn’t afford AL or any place, hence her living with us. She’s also in an electric wheelchair, O2 24 hrs a day, left eye blind, an loss of memory . She’s damaged our home and walls and laughs. So my husband stayed only because I agreed to take him seriously and find out how to find a place. I contacted her dr whom had a social worker come and assess her for government assistance and she qualified and has been able to apply for years! I couldn’t believe it so then researching places close to me and her church. Finally after 3-4 months found a place and she moved. Not happy but she met several friends, had her own apt and bathroom. She played bingo and they had in house physicians for most issues and a hairdresser. Things were rough in beginning but I mostly stressed because now I just didn’t go home but had to visit her daily till settled. I was exhausted more so than before. So I was once again looking for a better solution for mom. I have a brother in upstate NY but he said you wanted her so you got her! That’s because my dad pasted at 58 and my 2 brothers weren’t there to help her so she moved to Florida. But in looking for a place , look for homes that house 4-10 residents and it’s actually a home setting. They get better care, less confusing, and just a better experience all around. I found one in our neighborhood and mom moves in Nov 1st, this Friday. She’s moving from a 160 bed facility to a 6 residence home insurance accepts and better care.
I know I’m long winded when talking but there’s no good answer when making this decision. You know mom needs more help and the stress is bad. I lost my relationship with my mom a few months ago because I wanted to move her again. She’ll be 90 in February. But as I told her, I love her and only want the best for her health. She’ll meet new friends and being closer to me I can visit and we can watch movies, have dinner together, instead of me constantly getting the staff to do things for her. I’m sorry to say my mom was neglected with personal care and daily routine chores. I’m sure now that in this private home she will be better for caring out her daily needs in a dignified way.
I hope I haven’t discouraged you in seeking out a place, but I learned the hard way. Call Elder affairs to get a listing of private homes in your area that provides not just assisted living services but services till her death. I’m so happy now and my mom is too. We now can become friends again the way it should be ❤️
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DalesMom Oct 30, 2019
Your response is so timely! I have arranged assisted living for my mother and move in day is tomorrow. She is trying everything to get me to say she doesn’t have to go. She wears me out calling me to her room dozens of times a day only because she wants me to stay in her room all day. Im staying strong but she makes it very hard. My husband thinks she will be so demanding at AL that they will throw her out. I sure hope not! Thank you for sharing and giving me hope that it will work out. ❤️🤗
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Do you have POA. If so, Mom is not able to make decisions of her own. I wouldn't even discuss this with her. There comes a time, its what she needs not what she wants. She may be beyond an AL but u can try. My Mom was pretty much into her Dementia. She had lived with me 20 months when I needed respite care. I went to the AL right up the street to see if I could get Mom in there. While there I was told a Sale for the rooms was going on. I decided to place her. Told her it was her new home and she would have a room of her own and make new friends. She adjusted pretty well.

Your not throwing her away. You are finding a safe place for her. Some time for you and hubby. He does come first.
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worriedinCali Oct 24, 2019
The OP having POA doesn’t mean her mom has lost the right to make her own decisions.
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In these situations, someone is unhappy. At first maybe the caregiver and the LO will both feel bad. But one person cannot provide the care and mental stimulation that a whole facility can. In most cases, people don't want to go to AL situation. I am a nurse and I understand what would need to be done but I did not want to take care of my mother or my inlaws either in their homes or in mine. I had a moment or two or guilt and still have twinges now and then, but mostly I realize it is best for me.
Your husband is right. Just move forward to find a place for her. If it is possible she might run out of money, find one that will take Medicaid if and when she needs it.
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Reply to dogparkmomma
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Get a medical opinion, go to the doctor and explain the situation. Let him assess your mum. I expect due to high nursing care 24/7 he would say she needs to be in a nursing home. He would rightly say you cannot maintain the level of care needed by your mum, yourself.

Then it becomes a fait accompli - you have a medical diagnosis you would be foolish to ignore - since it is about ensuring round the clock care is available.

You are at risk of burn out - and this is a safety issue with regard to your mums care needs,

Your mum might cry, but cant argue against a medical diagnosis. You can make your husband happy, go and visit your mum, and blame the doctor!
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Reply to DareDiffer
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Your husband comes first. I can understand why he does not want to have your home turned into a nursing facility. And your mother needs more help than you can reasonably give.  Why not work with your husband to find a facility to place her? Dementia just becomes worse. Have you talked to her doctor about medication that might calm her mood?
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Reply to rovana
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when you are dealing with issues as complicated as your mom’s you must forsake the right to a broken heart.
You are also not entitled to regard yourself as being “caught in the middle”. You have one husband and one mother.
The husband is the party who you found to love and give your faithfulness to, as he did for you.
Your mother is the one who gave birth to you and had the obligation to give you “roots and wings”. If she gave you both and has now forgotten her promise to let you fly OR she slacked off on either, it’s still no longer a consideration because you CANNOT do what she wants 28 hours a day.
Start searching for a comfortable AL facility near enough to you so that you can visit when you have a bit of free time, and place her.
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Reply to AnnReid
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OK, I'm going to have to disagree with saying mom needs to go to AL. The AL my daughter used to work at would NOT be able to handle a patient that has this high level of need. I would imagine she would need NH or MC level of care.

But regardless of exactly where she gets placed, it appears that she needs 24 hour care which you can not sanely or safely provide at home.
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lealonnie1 Oct 21, 2019
AL also includes Memory Care communities, which are also known as " Assisted Living"
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Thank you all so much!! You lifted my spirits and gave me the courage to let go of being the sole care giver of my mother.

I often feel like I’m abandoning her yet I know she will have better care in AL. We have toured several AL’s and decided on the one closest to me. She forgets what she agrees to so I have decided and I’m signing the lease this week and will get her moved in as soon as I can.

She wants me close because I’m all she has left. Both my younger sisters have passed away, one last year. She is still grieving for her. They were very close and lived 400 miles from me. Mother sold her house there and bought one here. We moved all her furniture and a 50 year accumulation of stuff here. The move and sale of her house have been hard on her. I’m praying that AL will be good for her.
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rovana Oct 23, 2019
I think you are on the right track here - I'm thinking of a neighbor who fiercely  resisted going into a facility and when they finally had no choice, they discovered that health improved, they had friends, etc.
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Time to place her in AL, for her benefit as well as yours and your husbands. Don't let old misconceptions hold you back from placing her. There are many nice homes out there today, tour them.
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Reply to DollyMe
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It only stands to reason that your mother needs WAY more care than you can POSSIBLY give her yourself at home. It's obvious, and you know that..........you're just listening to your heart instead of your head. In reality, Assisted Living is a great environment for an elder; there are 3 hot meals a day and snacks, entertainment, other elders to talk to, and about 100 other positives that can be taken from AL, not to mention the care that is provided 24/7. My parents have been in AL since 2014 and it was a decision I've never regretted for ONE minute. I can visit as often as I like, but still have the peace of mind knowing they are (and were) cared for properly. My dad passed in 2015 but mother is still in AL in the Memory Care section now at 92 going on 93 years old. THEY care for her SO MUCH better than I ever could, and keep her active and involved, despite her being in a wheelchair. She's never in her room for more than 1 hour at a time, except after dinner to watch tv for awhile before going to sleep.

If you have some pre-conceived notion in your head about 'homes' and how 'horrible' they are, please remove it right away and take action instead.

Go out and look at Assisted Living communities in your area right away. Speak to the residents and the staff, asking them how THEY like living/working there. When you find a place where the residents and the staff seem happy, that is the place to consider for your mother. Privately owned vs. corporately owned is my choice 100% of the time. Corporate is after money only, as a rule, where privately owned communities are more resident focused and the staff is more easily accessible.

Do what's right for YOURSELF, your husband, AND most importantly, your mother. You all deserve it.

Best of luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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What would she tell you to do if you could ask the person she was before? Sounds like you really love her, so she was probably a good mom - is this the life she would want for you?

I have sworn i will never do this to my kids, and they know this, so i hope if i lose my faculties they put me in a home even if i protest.
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