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My mother is 88, has dementia, poor vision and is wheelchair bound and lately can’t even get up to go to the bathroom. She has no concept of time and calls me for help round the clock.


She has become so needy that I have very little time to do anything for myself. She is crying all the time and accusing me of throwing her away. This breaks my heart! She spends most of her time in bed because she is "more comfortable there”.  She wants me to stay in the room with her.


I’m caught in the middle... My husband is ready for her to leave. What can I do?

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What would she tell you to do if you could ask the person she was before? Sounds like you really love her, so she was probably a good mom - is this the life she would want for you?

I have sworn i will never do this to my kids, and they know this, so i hope if i lose my faculties they put me in a home even if i protest.
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It only stands to reason that your mother needs WAY more care than you can POSSIBLY give her yourself at home. It's obvious, and you know that..........you're just listening to your heart instead of your head. In reality, Assisted Living is a great environment for an elder; there are 3 hot meals a day and snacks, entertainment, other elders to talk to, and about 100 other positives that can be taken from AL, not to mention the care that is provided 24/7. My parents have been in AL since 2014 and it was a decision I've never regretted for ONE minute. I can visit as often as I like, but still have the peace of mind knowing they are (and were) cared for properly. My dad passed in 2015 but mother is still in AL in the Memory Care section now at 92 going on 93 years old. THEY care for her SO MUCH better than I ever could, and keep her active and involved, despite her being in a wheelchair. She's never in her room for more than 1 hour at a time, except after dinner to watch tv for awhile before going to sleep.

If you have some pre-conceived notion in your head about 'homes' and how 'horrible' they are, please remove it right away and take action instead.

Go out and look at Assisted Living communities in your area right away. Speak to the residents and the staff, asking them how THEY like living/working there. When you find a place where the residents and the staff seem happy, that is the place to consider for your mother. Privately owned vs. corporately owned is my choice 100% of the time. Corporate is after money only, as a rule, where privately owned communities are more resident focused and the staff is more easily accessible.

Do what's right for YOURSELF, your husband, AND most importantly, your mother. You all deserve it.

Best of luck!
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when you are dealing with issues as complicated as your mom’s you must forsake the right to a broken heart.
You are also not entitled to regard yourself as being “caught in the middle”. You have one husband and one mother.
The husband is the party who you found to love and give your faithfulness to, as he did for you.
Your mother is the one who gave birth to you and had the obligation to give you “roots and wings”. If she gave you both and has now forgotten her promise to let you fly OR she slacked off on either, it’s still no longer a consideration because you CANNOT do what she wants 28 hours a day.
Start searching for a comfortable AL facility near enough to you so that you can visit when you have a bit of free time, and place her.
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Time to place her in AL, for her benefit as well as yours and your husbands. Don't let old misconceptions hold you back from placing her. There are many nice homes out there today, tour them.
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OK, I'm going to have to disagree with saying mom needs to go to AL. The AL my daughter used to work at would NOT be able to handle a patient that has this high level of need. I would imagine she would need NH or MC level of care.

But regardless of exactly where she gets placed, it appears that she needs 24 hour care which you can not sanely or safely provide at home.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2019
AL also includes Memory Care communities, which are also known as " Assisted Living"
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Your husband comes first. I can understand why he does not want to have your home turned into a nursing facility. And your mother needs more help than you can reasonably give.  Why not work with your husband to find a facility to place her? Dementia just becomes worse. Have you talked to her doctor about medication that might calm her mood?
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Thank you all so much!! You lifted my spirits and gave me the courage to let go of being the sole care giver of my mother.

I often feel like I’m abandoning her yet I know she will have better care in AL. We have toured several AL’s and decided on the one closest to me. She forgets what she agrees to so I have decided and I’m signing the lease this week and will get her moved in as soon as I can.

She wants me close because I’m all she has left. Both my younger sisters have passed away, one last year. She is still grieving for her. They were very close and lived 400 miles from me. Mother sold her house there and bought one here. We moved all her furniture and a 50 year accumulation of stuff here. The move and sale of her house have been hard on her. I’m praying that AL will be good for her.
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rovana Oct 2019
I think you are on the right track here - I'm thinking of a neighbor who fiercely  resisted going into a facility and when they finally had no choice, they discovered that health improved, they had friends, etc.
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Get a medical opinion, go to the doctor and explain the situation. Let him assess your mum. I expect due to high nursing care 24/7 he would say she needs to be in a nursing home. He would rightly say you cannot maintain the level of care needed by your mum, yourself.

Then it becomes a fait accompli - you have a medical diagnosis you would be foolish to ignore - since it is about ensuring round the clock care is available.

You are at risk of burn out - and this is a safety issue with regard to your mums care needs,

Your mum might cry, but cant argue against a medical diagnosis. You can make your husband happy, go and visit your mum, and blame the doctor!
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Do you have POA. If so, Mom is not able to make decisions of her own. I wouldn't even discuss this with her. There comes a time, its what she needs not what she wants. She may be beyond an AL but u can try. My Mom was pretty much into her Dementia. She had lived with me 20 months when I needed respite care. I went to the AL right up the street to see if I could get Mom in there. While there I was told a Sale for the rooms was going on. I decided to place her. Told her it was her new home and she would have a room of her own and make new friends. She adjusted pretty well.

Your not throwing her away. You are finding a safe place for her. Some time for you and hubby. He does come first.
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worriedinCali Oct 2019
The OP having POA doesn’t mean her mom has lost the right to make her own decisions.
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In these situations, someone is unhappy. At first maybe the caregiver and the LO will both feel bad. But one person cannot provide the care and mental stimulation that a whole facility can. In most cases, people don't want to go to AL situation. I am a nurse and I understand what would need to be done but I did not want to take care of my mother or my inlaws either in their homes or in mine. I had a moment or two or guilt and still have twinges now and then, but mostly I realize it is best for me.
Your husband is right. Just move forward to find a place for her. If it is possible she might run out of money, find one that will take Medicaid if and when she needs it.
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