Hi guys, so my dad passed away 5 years ago. My mum over the years has dated & had a few boyfriends etc and her current boyfriend is really nice, not horrible, rude or anything. At the start of the first lockdown my mum panicked and moved him in (as he lives on his own), since things did open back up in June he moved out. When he moved in it was way way too much for me to handle, I didn’t like it at all, I couldn’t stand him. My problem is now is that he stays over too much and me and my sister aren’t really comfortable with it. Bare in mind that this is the first boyfriend that we’ve been relatively okay about staying over.

I am extremely happy that she’s met someone but whenever I try to tell her how we feel she bites back and says ‘this is my house and you can’t say what happens’ and ‘move out if you don’t like it’. Believe me if it was that easy me and my sister would not be living at home.

She doesn’t have respect for the other people living in her house. I can’t help but feel irritated all the time now when he’s here. So am I wrong to feel this way? I feel like I’m going insane.

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You're all in a Tier 4 area, yes? Nobody is allowed out unless it's for work or essential personal business?

I should think everyone in the house feels as if s/he's going insane. It's the times.

So. What do you want to do?
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Your feelings are how you feel. You are entitled to feel however you feel.

However your feelings have no control over what your Mother chooses to do in her own house.

You may be experiencing grief, the loss of your Father, but also the loss of your family unit. It has changed. It will change again as new partners move in & out, as you & your sister move out one day, & get partners too.

So there's adjustment to this new stage. Also to this new man. Can you feel comfortable in your home when he is there? Have your own room/space for privacy? If not, maybe it is time to explore making a home for yourself elsewhere.
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Why are you still living with her? Is she capable of living alone? Are you her caregiver? Are you a minor?

She's right; her house, her rules.
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I'm going to assume the opposite - that since your mother suggests you move out if you don't like her choices, you are old enough to do so. I agree that doesn't necessarily make it simple, but is it possible or not?

So much depends on how old you are that we can't really answer the question of whether you're wrong about the situation. I certainly can say you're never wrong to feel whatever you feel, but what matters is what you do about it.
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I'm sorry that you lost your dad and I'm sure it was very traumatic for you and it's difficult for you to see your mom with another companion. You seem to be conflicted about his presence in your home. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. You have a right to your feelings. When you say he stays over do you mean overnight? If so, that would make me uncomfortable also. You don't say how old you are so I assume you aren't old enough to move out.

Unfortunately, your mom is the home owner and she can set the rules. I'm pleased to hear that you don't deny her the need (or want) to have a male companion. You may just have to accept the situation as well as you can until you have other options. What do you think the compromise should be?
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Dear Ella,

Your feelings are understandable. Having a man move with your mom is a big deal. That's a big adjustment. It would have been better to have discussed it first as a family as it affects you and your sister as well.

Is there a trusted family or friend that could act as go between and help act as intermediary? Your mom sounds very defensive about her relationship. I don't think I would ever tell my kid if you don't like something move out? In my opinion that's harsh. There should be some conversation and hopefully compromise.

It's been four years since I lost my dad and I know I would feel hurt if my mom did something like this without considering my feelings.

I know others will have better advice. Hang in there.
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