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I've been on this forum going on 7 years now. Quick summary: I am an only child, parents moved three houses down from me upon their retirement, then proceeded to bring their substance abuse and marital problems into my life. Up until then I had mostly known a happy couple and I believed I had experienced a good childhood with good parents/role models.


So, dad went down the dementia rabbit hole, which I believe was mostly related to alcohol and prescription drug abuse. Dad was always the kinder parent and the one I really saw as my rock. Mom was often bossy/nasty, traits which accelerated as she got older. She was also down the path of alcohol and substance abuse and became extremely cruel to my dad when he started to decline. The foul language/mental abuse I witnessed (her on him) are things that will stick with me forever. I put dad in a memory care home in March 2017 and he died there in Nov. 2019.


Mom has continued her self-destructive ways and turned her verbal and metal abuse on me. It's been a bumpy several years but her poor lifestyle finally caught up with her Sept. 2020 when she went to alcohol rehab facility for the 5th time, got aspirational pneumonia, which knocked her back so bad she's now wheelchair bound. She's only 78, and now she's in assisted living, hopefully never to be turned loose again.


She has said SO MANY hateful things to me. I've soaked up so much ugliness over the past decade I am forever changed and question my childhood, family, etc. Without any siblings, cousins, or anything, I grew up in a vacuum. What was real? Mom told me this summer that I was an "accident", and that her life would have been much easier without me. She has told me I "owe" her for raising me. She has told me that because their lives are "over", mine is too (she told me that right after I turned 50).


Where are the people who raised me? Wow, what was my past? I wish my dad was here, I cried off and on this Christmas thinking of all that is gone. My memories are not even good now, family albums are put away deep into cabinets, I cannot look at them.


I did try therapy, and the therapist really just annoyed me after several sessions, so I quit. That was pointless. Anybody else experience anything like this, and what did you do going forward?

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Upstream, so sorry to read what you are going through. It's clear that your thoughts about these bad experiences are overwhelming you, and that is entirely understandable. Also, the lack of siblings or cousins means you're missing support from this area, too. Your mother is venting her anger and frustration on you, but it is not your fault and you are not responsible for her behaviour. You mentioned she is now in assisted living, so try to see this as an opportunity to find some space for yourself and your needs. Your future doesn't have to be defined by past events or by unkind words others have used against you. Perhaps therapy didn't work for you as you may not be ready for it yet, or maybe because of your mother's behaviour you haven't been able to mentally devote your time to it - again all perfectly understandable in the circumstances. Can I suggest something that helped a little for me? I made a list of what I thought I wanted in life, and what made me happy and unhappy. I went through the list and separated out what I could change or influence compared with the things I couldn't. I realised I could never change certain things, such as receiving love from my mother, or getting her to stop being verbally and emotionally abusive. I could see the futility and waste of time spent on these impossible wishes. Instead, I focused on finding solutions for the things I could change, and also on giving myself time and permission to do some of the things that made me happy. I also walked away from the bad behaviour and have started to set some boundaries so that bad situations are not allowed to escalate. This all took some time, but it's important to make a start. Your mother is wrong to say your life is over - by taking care of yourself more, a new and better chapter in your life is just beginning.
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I'm an only child caring for my 91-yr old mom who lives next door to me, and experiencing typical physical and mental decline. She was always single (we used to semi-joke with her that if she went on a dating website she'd probably get matching with Hitler or Ghengis Khan...). She was "different" in personality and she knew it but she certainly wasn't an ogre. Her moderate fearfulness, small mindedness, negativity, skepticism and breaking filter is increasing and I feel it is blotting out my memories of her better self that she was in past years.

People change with time. Was your mother ever formally diagnosed with dementia? Just because she says something now doesn't make it the truth or reality. Your parents may in fact have been those nice people in memories of your youth. But, time and events impact everyone. No one stays the same the entirety of their lives unless they lived in a bubble, didn't go anywhere or do anything. Aging usually makes people crankier, not less; less filtered, not more; etc. If you want to console yourself you can read the posts by people in complicated, bitter raging battles with their siblings. Yikes.

We parents do chose to "protect" our kids from some realities out of love and concern. I see one of my parenting responsibilities as providing a loving, safe, and secure home with minimum unnecessary stresses. Perhaps this is what your parents did for you? I totally understand that your mom's current, constant grinding negativity is hard to stand up to without other support. My spiritual belief helps me immensely, knowing that God gives me my immeasurable value and not the opinions of others, even a parent. I wish you much peace in your heart as you endure caring for her and create emotional armor to protect yourself.
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Hugs. I'm so sorry for how you must be feeling.

Not similar in the detail at all, but I did go through a horrible emotional whitewater patch with my mother, so much anger. Thanks to the forum, to you and everybody here, I'm now more or less the right way up again and my feelings and memories are back in (roughly) proportion; but it did take ages.

Your mother has only really been safely off your hands for three months. I should give it a bit longer, and see how you feel; and then give yourself another period of time, and check back in with yourself again; and keep doing it. Eventually, I hope, you'll be able to get the albums out and see the good memories without their being so loomingly overshadowed by the last two decades.

There is an interesting section in the book 'Being Mortal' which discusses research into how we assess experiences we've gone through. How you feel about the whole thing is very much influenced by different parts of it including preparation, expectations and especially endings - I haven't got a copy in front of me, I've bought the book several times and people keep pinching it! But the relevant gist as regards your feelings at the moment is that the most recent experiences have been vile, and they are corrupting everything else *even though* those earlier times were just as true and just as valid, or quite possibly more so.

It is a matter of time mainly, I suppose I'm saying; but you also have an opportunity now, perhaps, to change your mother's impact on you and reach some resolution with her. What's the ALF like, are you developing a good working relationship with them?
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Upstream Dec 2020
Hi Countrymouse, I remember you and BarbBrooklyn! The anger, oh boy. With my mom "contained" now I am releasing much of the anger and I realize just how much was there. I will check into that book. Mom's ALF is top notch. I have a good relationship with them but between COVID and mom's demeanor I am keeping my distance. She calls me and demands that I bring her car, etc. She called on Christmas and left me a super-snippy message. If she were a decent human being I would go there at least once a week and visit, like I did with my dad, but she's just nasty and I'm so incredibly afraid she is going to get turned loose again to wreak havoc on my life once more. I'm finally free and want to stay that way.
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Upstream, I'm so glad to see you! I kept wondering what was going on with you.

Your life is NOT over. Your mother has re-written her script, but YOU don't have to act in that play if the part isn't one you want.

Mom is in a "good place" and has folks looking after her. When the pandemic lifts, please consider taking a long trip and let the facility care for mom. If you are her POA consider hiring a geriatric care manager to handle her affairs.

We do not owe our parents our lives, no matter what. That is your mother's deluded and demented thinking on play.

Consider finding a new therapist. But know that therapy is not "easy" or comfortable. Stick with it when there are rough patches and you will be rewarded with the kind improved thinking and emotional skills I believe you seek.
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Upstream Dec 2020
OMG so awesome that you remember me :) I stepped away this year as my situation was ever-fluent all year. Thank you for the thoughtful response. I do think therapy was probably with the WRONG therapist. I just don't know how to find the right one. I may look into that next year. How are you?
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. This experience of elder care, even when you've had a healthy relationship with the parent, leaves you in a state where you're going to need to talk to someone. Don't give up on therapy, it's not the therapy at fault, you just got the wrong therapist. Keep looking for a therapist you'll want to talk to. In the meantime, please find a support group, just this forum alone is an example of how many people are in positions like yours, so you're not alone or unique in this. There are groups out there with a shoulder for you to lean on and open ears to listen, with caring members who are going through similar processes. All of us here are probably either going through or will have to go through significant rebuilding processes because of our experiences with this part of life. You are never alone in this, so just reach out.
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