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What do you do when your parents both die, your husband tells you "JUST GET OVER IT SO YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD", you are in charge of everything, your marriage is falling apart, your siblings are against how you are handling matters and you just want to give up?

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Billiegoat,
Asked November 3, 2020
"How does one deal with the death of BOTH parents in less than 2 years? My father passed a week ago and I am completely "empty" inside."

How can we help you? You say that you are suffering from PTSD?
A therapist refused to see you?

So sorry for your loss.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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I say give up control. I had a lawyer to put my Moms house back into the estate because my brother inherited it and didn't want it. He did that and then did the formalities of closing Probate.

I say give it over to an attorney and allow him to take the Executors percentage. Or hand Executorship to one of your siblings.

Everyone mourns differently.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Hello Billiegoat.
There are a few things you could give up.
1) If your husband says: "Just get over it......etc.", the correct response is to grab your purse and walk out the door, for the rest of the day. Eat dinner out.
Do not cook. It is really too hard for anyone to cook for someone who says things like that to you. Boundaries. Give up rewarding toxic people by serving them.
2) Forget that he said that at all, or even that he meant it. People overwhelmed often say things under stress that they do not mean. It hurts. And it hurts more when you repeat it in your head. It hurts more when a husband says that to you. You can recover, knowing that what he said is not even sane. Give up listening to toxic people.
3) Give up some control. No one is 'in charge' of everything. That is 'all or nothing thinking', but I understand what you meant. It feels as if nothing goes right unless you take control? You can learn to give up some control.
4) Siblings are against you? Give them 100% control, walk away from the issue. You can check back in next week to see how it went?
5) Get your suitcase out. Pack it for two overnights to the destination of your choice. Decide later where you are going, if you are going. At least you are packed and ready if your family does not straighten up. Just taking action will make you feel better. You will understand that you have choices. Did you imagine where you would go? Did you pack a swim suit for the jaccuzzi?

Hoping that something offered here will give you some ideas and boundaries.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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Grieving is healing. It’s a natural part of our lives.

You are entitled to honor your feelings and grieve.

Suppression of grief will only catch up to you later. So, don’t feel guilty about it.

I am sorry that your husband isn’t empathetic to your needs. That hurts.

I would look for another source. Research grief support groups.

Many groups are doing online sessions.

You may want to look into therapy as well.

Take care.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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The normal course of life is that our parents die before we do. But when that times comes we're never emotionally ready for it. Your husband's attitude certainly doesn't offer you any comfort. Grieving a loss of loved ones is nothing you just get over. People grieve differently. It's not something you get over, it's something you have to work thru. And getting to the other side of grief isn't a short term proposition. Some may be back to “normal” after only 2 yrs. It may take others 10 yrs. (that's really way too long). Regardless of the length of time, that alone won't resolve your grief. You have to become proactive in doing that.

Don't give up Billie, give in. Give in to the idea that overcoming grief is a choice. There are actions you can take to help resolve your grief. Do you have a church? Talk to your pastor. Some churches and other facilities and agencies offer grief counseling, seek one out. “Grief Share” is a 13 week program that helps participants understand and deal with grief. Your Area Agency on Aging and/or your state Dept. of Aging can help. You may find grief support groups on line during the pandemic, google “grief support”. Many funeral homes offer grief support, check with the one you worked with for your parents

There are many books on this subject. “How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies”, “Grief Is A Journey” and “The Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving” are several good books. No, you can't just get over it, but you can take the necessary steps to get thru it. Your parents died... you didn't, and you have a life to live. Start today.
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Reply to sjplegacy
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Hi Billiegoat, I don't have any answers for you, I wish I did.

I do feel your pain and just want to send prayers and hugs to you. I'm in charge of everything also (except I'm divorced and alone) and I don't know what I would do without this forum.

Hugs and prayers to you,
Jenna
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Reply to JennaRose
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[What do you do when your parents both die?]
Not sure if this is a question or you letting us know you are hurting. There is nothing we can do about death but go on. We grieve, we fall apart, we rejoice, we try to deal with our emotions as best we can by asking for help from God, counseling, a spouse, good friend, pastor, close relative, and even from here. We just have to go on… I'm trying to go day by day myself!

["JUST GET OVER IT SO YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD", you are in charge of everything, your marriage is falling apart]

Where did that statement come from? Regardless, shots fired and feelings are hurt. I believe both of you are dealing with feelings and issues of your own and of your togetherness. I wish for you both that counseling was a possibility.

[your siblings are against how you are handling matters and you just want to give up?]

I don’t know if the matters are related to your parent’s affairs or your marriage but hope for you peace
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Reply to answry
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Talk Space is online, affordable counseling.

https://www.talkspace.com/online-therapy
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I wish I could but I can't. Ty for the answer. Ty.
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ExhaustedPiper Nov 23, 2020
Billie,

Someone once said: "When you are in hell, keep going"

So, you are in your own "hell" right now, and are feeling like you just want to give up. Don't. Keep . That's going how you get out.

I am very sorry you are going through all this, and your husband is not understanding your grief. In my experience, grief is a lonely road. It's so personal, and complex, and heartbreaking. Sending you a huge hug.

Stay clear of your siblings and any negative person right now as much as possible. If things need to be done in terms of burial or probate, just keep going and get to the other side.

I wish you peace as you navigate this journey.
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Get away from everyone(including your husband) and take a nice long vacation, so you can regroup, mourn your losses, and figure out how you want to proceed with your life, when you get back. And don't answer your phone from any of your family members, while you're away(including our husband). It's time for you to take care of you now. Everything else can wait. God bless you.
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