I have several issues that I am trying to sort out, please bear with me and forgive anything that may not be clear...
My mother is in a wheelchair and unable to walk (very short distances only with the assistance of a walker) and we honestly don't know why. She had bad knees (bone on bone) and had total knee replacement on one knee. In the skilled nursing/rehab one day she wasn't able to move from the waist down. She didn't fall and said she wasn't mistreated (my mom is 63 now was 62 at the time and of sound mind). She had MRIs & CT scans and we were told she had spinal stenosis (compression and degenerative bone loss). She had back surgery and is able to walk but no where near before her surgery. She doesn't complain about pain in the other knee which is odd since the ortho said both knees were really bad. So I'm not sure if she needed the knee surgery in the first place or even the back surgery? This is one major concern.
Then the thing of dealing with nursing homes/rehabs, home health agencies, doctors, etc. They can be so cold and rude at times even to the family and it honestly scares me to get old. Filing complaints doesn't seem to make a difference and having heated confrontations exhaust me but to stand up for my mom I will have them with staff. Is there a way to hold these people accountable or should I just let it go?
Lastly, my mom only has two children, my older sister and I and we all definitely have our ups and downs. We don't have extended family, just friends to rely on. This makes caregiving stressful. My mom doesn't want too much outside help and wants my sister and I to move in with her but my mom can be very argumentative, mean, and just a lot to handle. She is sweet to the staff at facilities (maybe a little demanding at times and some things are valid) but will say things like my sister and I only care about our jobs and tell caregivers that we don't help her. This isn't true. She uses manipulation to make us feel bad. I feel bad for her but it opens up wounds from childhood (not that she was a bad mother) but her words hurt a lot especially when you are stressed. My sister isn't in town a lot and I ask her to make phone calls to help with mom's care but she feels like mom can handle it herself. I step in when places won't return calls but I also have demanding job and a single mom so trying to handle my mom's affairs is a little much and adds to my plate. Then my sister will turn around and say "yeah they better talk to you and not me" insinuating that I'm not handling things correctly or I'm too nice at times. And when I do get riled up then my mom says I take things too hard and I shouldn't be so upset. While she sits back and wants to eat cookies and candy tell people we're not helping her. I took 3 months off from work, came over everyday during the summer, make calls, clean her & the house, make grocery runs, cook, bring food and the list goes on.
At this point I feel like they are toxic to my wellbeing emotionally. And I've considered walking away but my heart won't let me. How can I preserve my health but still help?
If you got this far, thank you for reading.