Follow
Share

I may not be a 24/7 care provider for my parents, they are to most part healthy, they are right now independent and can do for themselves but give them 5/10 years I will be taking care of them.


I joined this group so I can see how more experienced care providers handle aging/diseases of their parents/grandparents. The ups/downs of 24/7 care.


My mom cared for my grandparents as they grew old. We lost them a few years ago. It left a void in my mom.


My dad lost both his parents when I was in my teens and sisters and brothers through the years. They had family that cared for them day to day. It was hard for my dad.


I want to be there for my parents to care for them. If I don't who will?


I owe my parents a lot, they supported me and cared for me through my life's up and downs.


I am not looking for sympathy and brush offs from this group that's not why I joined. I bet that's not why any of you joined.


You joined to find support and understanding, help and answers.

Find Care & Housing
Good afternoon, Snuggy,

I keep going back to your original question, “Why?” Give us a little more information as to why you worded your original query this way. Why what? This might help us to give you an answer, though I detect, based on your final lines that you anticipate some negativity.

You are right that we come here for support and answers, but I suspect that it is another driving force that brings us here - desperation. Look at that word. It means without hope. That was my situation when I first joined.

I think it is commendable that your family has a history of caring for loved ones at home until the very end. I come from that kind of family too. I can remember, as a young woman, giving a talk in a speech class about how shamefully Americans treat our elderly, foisting them off on nursing homes instead of caring for them. I was so righteous in my convictions! I cringe, now, to think of how ignorant I was! My siblings and I, along with paid professionals, took care of our parents for over 15 years. They both now reside together in a nursing facility and we continue to oversee their care.

One of the best things I have learned on this forum is that everybody’s situation is different. We find comfort, commiseration, and answers in our similarities, but ultimately, only that person knows what they are going through. There are people on this forum who managed to take care of their loved one at home until the very end and still come back to share their experience. There are people here who are doing as you intend to do with your parents. Just know, that most of us had that intention (we did), but circumstances, and the realities and difficulties of ageing, theirs and ours, brought us to a point of desperation in which we had to let go of that dream. What I most loved about this website was in finding other people who were going through the struggles we were. At the time, I felt that no one else understood, and they didn’t! Everyone I knew had parents who died after a brief illness, from a month to a year, or their parents were still functioning pretty well even at an advanced age and needed minimal care.

Keep coming back. You can pick and choose what topics that you want to engage in. It seems as if you are looking ahead and preparing. What a smart thing to do! There are steps you can take now, like getting a Power of Attorney and Health POA. Make sure their wills are updated and they have Living Wills. There is a wealth of information on this site and it will still be here in 5-10 years when your parents need your hands on care.
(2)
Report

10 years ago I felt that I would do anything for my parents and would be there for most every need for them when they got older. *Sigh*. I'm doing the best I can but struggling to keep my own life, career, etc. intact. You are going to find a lot of burnout on this forum. When I first joined this forum years ago I was aghast at the negativity and snarkiness I saw in may posts. *Sigh*. Now I am one of the snarky ones. All I can say is good luck and try not to get in too deep. This is a great forum for information and a place to vent. I am at the point in my struggles where I mostly do the latter.
(4)
Report

When it comes to calling myself a caregiver - I spent my days off with my mom for years because she was housebound due to macular degeneration, she couldn't shop or go to doctor's appointments easily unless I took her and it was only natural that I made all the meals when I was at her house - I just called that being a daughter. My real caregiving began gradually, first I helped her with her finger and toe nails, in my mind that didn't really count. Then I helped her shower. Then she became frail and began to fall. Then I moved home, and Then she couldn't be left alone any more, and Then.... somewhere along the way I became a caregiver.

I though I knew caregiving, my grandmother was my example - she cared for my frail, incontinent, often confused grandfather right up until he went into the hospital and died, and she was always the kindest, wisest most loving woman to anyone she met. When I became my mother's caregiver I discovered I KNEW NOTHING!! Once I was in the trenches I was left wondering why the heck we didn't help my poor long suffering grandmother more. Every journey is different and you can't judge any of us by what you read on the forum - this is the one place where we can freely share the worst and say all those things that we could never give voice to anywhere else.
(7)
Report

Snuggy,

I read your previous posts and only one did you really ask a question and that was what you need to do for the future. The others were statements. The one answer you got was the poster felt you do too much. Your parents are not too old to do their own cleaning, laundry, etc. The more they do for themselves the better. Another poster may have taken your post as complaining. You need to ask a specific question.

For the future, have your ducks in a row. Get POAs for both parents while Dad can make decisions. Make sure Wills are in order. Both make life a lot easier. You are one of the lucky ones that can work from home. Because you are there 24/7 I would call you a full time caregiver. Read up on Medicaid in your state. There is a 5 yr look back so they will look hard at any large amts of money going out of their bank accounts. You said you have everything in binders, great! Does this include their financials. Bank accts, bonds, shares, IRAs, CDs. Birth certificates, wills, mortgage, deeds, military service, marriage certificates, etc.

If you suspect Dad has ALZ/Dementia get him evaluated now. There are meds to help with cognitive functioning early on. There may come a time when you can't care for him. Get yourself mentally ready for this.

You may want to go to a seminar on Dementia/ALZ, it will help you understand how things are going to be.
(2)
Report

Snuggy--

Most of came here looking for a place to talk, vent, ask advice and find out we aren't alone in navigating the care of parents, spouses, even children.

If our lives were running perfectly and we found caregiving to be easy and joyous, we wouldn't be here--so you are going to hear some negative stuff. CH can be very frustrating and often, painful, emotionally and physically.

You love your folks and want the best for them. We all do. Your love shines through your short post. Personally, I hope you find CG for them to be a blessing and a "payback" if you will--of all the care they gave you.

Nothing can really prepare you for the inevitable decline of our parents...or of ourselves. All we can do is our best, and not let others bring us down for the decisions we make for our family.

You already have have a lovely disposition--sadly a lot of "cant" have that. Just don't judge people who are frustrated and tired of CG. It's different for everyone.

Your journey has not really begun. You can't control what people may say (and I will say that sometimes, when we're on here, in full burnt out mode, we may not be the sweetest bunch) but for the most part, you will find good advice, and certainly, people who UNDERSTAND what you'll be going through.
(7)
Report

Start a Discussion

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter