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Part 1-My dad is 77 and a retired person in medical field. My mom is 67 and worked as homemaker and at his office for his entire career. Dad has now been retired around 15 years, mom the same. Whatever he does, she does....... Very enmeshed, codependent marriage. My dad; the successful, educated, older man who met a young, beautiful, non educated, impressionable girl. A recipe for disaster. My father has always controlled my mom and me, frankly, with money and threats. Threats to take it away and in recent years to leave her with nothing in a divorce and cut us both out of a will - a will he just recently made in the form of just pen and paper in his current mental state (more on that below). This behavior has been going on my entire life, unfortunately I didn't understand it growing up. Now that I'm older I see that this kind of abuse, control, holding onto money as a way to control someone else's ( mom and I) behavior has been a problem all along. And at the core of it all is addiction. Alcohol and pain pill addiction that has plagued mom and dad their entire life. He with liquor and pain pills and her with Soma and Valium. Something they were great at hiding, but due to other problems in recent years such as dementia, financial exploitation and inability to self care, failing health, etc. they cannot fool people as easily as they used to, especially me!! So they have been living as hermits last few years. Only the cleaning lady knowing their daily activity and me knowing what they tell me. I live two hours away and work (job has me working some weekends) so I cant get to them to check on them. Not to mention my mom and I have a very strained relationship, that cleaning lady as taken full advantage of. You see, mom is so bitter and angry at my dad for his years of bullying and control, but is too scared to say anything, so I get the duty of being her whipping post (takes all that hurt out on me) and bc I'm now sticking up for myself, telling her like it is, she tells me to not come around so I haven't. So this is where we are - they've been financially exploited (see next paragraph) their mental and physical health is failing and due to me allowing my mother and I fighting and her telling me to not come around, I've allowed things to get this far out of hand.

This all started last week when my mother looked at a bank statement, from a bank my parents don't even use anymore but still have money in, and she saw quite a few withdrawals of money taken out of that account that was not made by her or my father or me for that matter. After a little more digging into things, and I'm just going on what she has told me, she found out that this woman has been taking money out of their bank account and using it to pay credit card bills utility bills and the like. She found this out on Wednesday, it is now Sunday and she and my father have yet to do anything about it!!!!! And mom told me on Thursday that Friday morning was when they were suppose to arrest her. Late Friday morning, something told me to call the sheriff office and so I did. And guess what?? They knew nothing about this situation. Called the bank and they said they too knew nothing. All they did with my mom via phone the day before was change her account number, saying mom never told them why she wanted it changed!!!!

My dad doesn't know what flipping month it is, neither of them bathe for weeks at a time, mom just informed me she has fallen approx 15 times in the past year, sometimes when I talk on the phone with them they are so out of it they don't know they are even on the phone. They have so much around the house they don't even know what they have. It is a thief's paradise. I tried to give them resources to help them clean up their house because it is a hoarders den, I've given them dates when I could come up and plans of which we could use to sort out all of the stuff room by room get rid of things throw stuff away things that they would need to keep etc. etc. and yet they still deny it and say that they don't need help. They are like "we're fine we don't need any help we are OK everything's fine". No everything is not fine!!!! It is far from it!! This situation with the cleaning lady taking money out of their bank account and using it to pay her bills her credit card bills for utility bills this has been the straw that has broken the camels back for me because I am done I cannot allow them to continue doing this. My dad thinks it is completely normal for him to not know what month it is because "hey I'm retired I don't have to know those things anymore or what do I need to take a shower for I'm not going to be seeing anyone today." Does that sound like a good excuse to you!!??? I just feel like my parents have now backed me into a corner and they leave me no other option but to start filing some kind of paperwork for a conservatorship or a guardianship of some sort. (cont on part 2 in answers section to this question) and thanks for reading

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Mom called me this morning saying how dare I involve myself in her business. she told me if I don't come back home to live with them and care for her, I can forget coming there ever again as she and dad "are sick of me acting like a 12 yr old." My God...... I never thought it would come to this!!! I haven't heard from her doc who I called and left message with them to please call me and let me tell them some important info I think they need to know and they haven't called me back today. On another note, my job my jeopardy bc I've been so upset and on the phone dealing with this for so many months, not just this situation. On the plus side, I'm employable, thank goodness for an education! So I'll be looking for work (unless I can get my boss to understand this all - they have seen me cry more times than any boss should - I hate how this all has made me look crazy to them, I'm sure), changing my number and healing from all this as I move forward. I'll keep you guys updated and we'll see how things go. And for those asking, the cleaning lady isn't in the picture anymore and who knows if they will move forward with charges. As I was told today, "stay out of our business or else."

Thanks everyone. Now I'm off to do damage control, do what I have to do to keep my life going. Nothing mom would love more than to see me unemployed and thinking that would drive me back to her. Money is their only currency (pardon to pun) to control others. I'll dig ditches before I let that happen.
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I took my mother home the day after her second small stroke. No point being in hospital unless you need further investigations or treatment.
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Hospital discharge roughly 24 hours after having a stroke???

That’s just seems really off. Even in the case of a minor stroke - I mean, it’s not some ambiguous type headache... Was the stoke diagnosis verified to you by a medical professional? We are talking - blood vessels dying in the brain, right?

Regardless- sounds like your mother told the hospital folk that she didn’t want them talking to you - so you’re not likely to get a straight story anytime soon.

Fine. That’s the way mom wants it - then you’ll just be keeping your nose out of ALL their mess of a life. Take what you said on the phone today and commit it to memory cause you’re likely gonna have to trot it out several more times in the near future.

Funny how they want you to stay out of their “business” until the situation comes along when they want something from you.

But I’m still curious- does the housekeeper still have her job? How is it that your mother isn’t jealous having another woman in her home - around your dad?
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At, boil some eggs, eat them and get some sleep. As the Russian fairy tale says
" Go to bed, go to sleep...for the morning brings more wisdom than the evening"
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Could be that, but (and this is just what mom said so could be true or maybe not... She told me back in the summer she told her doc more about her home situation. Problem is she told him stuff pertaining to life when I was growing up, when dad drank abed it was more the issue than pills. She seemed to not clarify that part. It's like she wanted to share with him about the unstable home dynamic, but not about how things are now which would also include her part in things. Hope that makes sense.

I'm so drained from all this. I can't eat either but man I'm hungry lol!! I'm going to try and eat, lay down and try and think happy thoughts. I'll come back on tomorrow. Thanks again for the support and help!! You guys are so amazing and I appreciate you all!! ❤️❤️
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Atwits, it feels to me like mom, Dad and their doctor are a tight little team. (" we dont need the hospital upsetting mom, shell be fine at home").

You're most like be going to be accused of telling more lies, right?

I feel very bad that you are in this no win situation.
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I just have a second and I'll post more later. I do have update, but first....
thanks to you guys for the support!!! Reading that you all gave me a thumbs up for what I did has made me cry.... happy tears!!!!! Thank you bc I've been worried I maybe didn't do right thing.

I have good support system here too... bff nurse, high school bff SW, my ride or die bff is an attorney and my sweet bf who, although he is on west coast, is my rock and has been such a great listener and advice giver. I'm so grateful for ALL of YOU, so THANK YOU!!!!!

I called mom's nurse around 11 this morning and told her about her self medicating and that she should be aware that my mom is very slick and can manipulate like a pro so she should check to see if she may be hiding or sneaking Valium, soma, loratab and possibly neurotin. And if my dad came to visit, then she def has some bc he would bring it, I'm sure of it. She said she would check and I gave her some other important info (that I have shared here about lifestyle, the bank fraud, etc).
Fast forward to around 345 today and I called back to ask nurse again how she is doing. They discharged my mother!!!!!!!!! She said she had security come up to room and do a search after our morning chat. I asked if they found anything and did that cause the discharge. She told me she couldn't reveal anymore info, but that her primary doctor (who is in same bldg) came over and discharged her after they did the search. Does anyone know what the protocol would be for finding pills you aren't suppose to have on you or maybe she became erratic??? I'm waiting to see what my nurse friend says, but he is working till 10 tonight and I am curious as to the rules. My friend works here in my town so it's not the same hospital, but assume he would know. Any of y'all know??

My dad is retired pharmacist (fitting, right??) and as for inheritance, I hate feeling controlled by money and id fight for them if they didn't have a dime to their name, but I do feel like I deserve something out of their estate upon death. Growing up in that nut house and now this mess...... I feel I have earned it!

Must run now. I'll be back later in evening. Thanks again for all your kind words and advice!!! You guys are a gift from God. I pray every day for everyone here to find peace, solutions and a happy life. And I pray that our loved ones do the same. God, this is so much more and much harder than I ever anticipated. Give us strength!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
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Oops....mistake in the above that I only caught now...

"(I am the only daughter and only child and am not allowed to have any opinions or ideas different from my mother.) "

I am the only LOCAL child. I have three golden boy brothers who are all out of state.
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AtWitsEnd17, what an awful situation for you!

I take it your father is a retired doctor, correct? Even in his compromised mental state, he probably is quite able to showtime before other medical professionals. (And I wonder if doctors "circle the wagons" around one of their own, no matter what, and is this what is going on during medical appointments?)

From my own particular perspective, these are my usual questions: Do you have any siblings? (I am the only daughter and only child and am not allowed to have any opinions or ideas different from my mother.)

I often ask about the inheritance, also. From what you wrote, your inheritance is quite precarious, since your father wrote his own will and could change it any time. I know so many on here say, "I don't care about the money!" Well, I do. I'm not wealthy. I need my 1/4 of my mother's trust when she dies (and yes, I expect it will be mostly intact since she has LTC insurance).

That cleaning woman is a golddigger. She surely knows the approximate amount of your parents' estate (your father has probably bragged to her), and will probably take further action to decimate it to her advantage.

I am angry/annoyed at the leeway that is allowed for mental competence, also. In the U.S., the civil rights of the disease often matter more than the person. And the loved ones/friends have no recourse. In your father's case, incompetence would probably be especially hard to show, because fellow doctors (again, I am assuming your father is a retired MD) would not want to document his decline.

My own (91 y/o) mother has holes in her reasoning, yet I know she is far from being declared incompetent. It is frustrating. In her "competence," she has determined that she makes all of her own decisions and that I am just the DDD (Dummy Driver Daughter).

I am so glad that you have removed yourself from the drama. Your statement to your mother last night was excellent!

The best we can do is to distance ourselves and let the crisis happen...even if it takes more than one. That is regarding parental health/safety issues. I don't really know what to do about the financial exploitation issue, though...and I'm very angry for you about THAT, too!
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You done good, kiddo!

The best next step you can take is to contact the discharge planning folks at mom's hospital and explain that your dad has dementia, that the house is hoarder's paradise and that there is no one at home to be a caregiver for mom. And that you're worried about both of your parents (yikes, dementia dad is home with no support!); and about the drugs.

Ask if YOU should call in APS, or if they will do it, or if there is some way that it can be determined if sending your mom back home with no outside help is a "safe discharge".

My cousin went through this rigamarole with my aunt and her demented dad for YEARS. At one point, aunt fell; demented uncle dragged her around their home on a throw rug for three days before someone stopped by to deliver groceries. Aunt, speaking from the rug said that everthing was "just fine". Turned out she had a broken hip (Uncle attacked EMS workers who removed her to the hospital). She spent three months in rehab and insisted on returning "to my husband".

At that point, round the clock caregivers were brought in, and although uncle fired them frequently, they knew not to leave.

Aunt died of CHF; uncle lived on for another year in a secure VA unit.

Of course, they had an uncooperative doctor, who wouldn't diagnose him with dementia.

Use the resources at the hospital to your best advantage to get help for mom. But if you can't, know that she's making her own choice, as did my aunt. People have a right to their own choices until they are declared incompetent, and it sounds like your parents' dysfunction/mental illness is of long standing, and not something that your intervention is likely to penetrate.

Good luck!
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Thanks everyone for the info. Here is where things are.... she is still at hospital. Bc I brought up to her, on phone, last night about what she had said yesterday while in the ER, which was, "your dad is so mean to me, I cannot go through this stress any longer and I need some help, this is now serious! I've possibly had a stroke!" Well, she sure did have a stroke, but it did not take her long, to change her mind and the way she thinks about things. Before my mother was admitted into her room yesterday evening my father said to her, "no more stress no more stress I promise you I won't allow any more stress at home". That seem to be all she needed to hear to revert right back to old thinking.... that things will miraculously now be fantastic at home. You know like somehow all of their medication problems - the overly medicated/self-medicating will now disappear, the house will be completely clean and free from any kind of a hoarders nightmare of a house to live in, my dad's undiagnosed dementia will have disappeared and he'll become an angel to live with... oh and of course they want some help river back to being in there oh I don't know early 20s. But I digress. So back to when we spoke on the phone last night and me reminding her about her saying things yesterday morning in the ER about how badly dad treats her and how all the stress has caused her to be so sick to the point of a stroke. Just because my dad said two hours earlier "I promise no more stress" now she is completely backtracking everything she said this morning in the ER when she first arrived there. Now saying, "I never said that about your father, I love your father, I just want to go home, I want to go be with my husband." And having the nerve to tell me that I'm just now trying to cause problems. If she completely out of her mind. If it wasn't for me calling the ambulance for her yesterday morning, my dad was happy and content just to let her sit there in her recliner and probably die! So I said to her, "now you're saying because he said "no more stress" now you've changed your mind and you want to go home???" Her last words to me but for hanging up on me were to, "mind my own business, it's none of my business and I must be jealous of their marriage because I'm trying to pull them apart!" I mean this lady, I hate to say it about my mother, but this lady is freaking crazy!!! I tried to call her back through the hospital switchboard thing of course she had requested to them to block me if I called so I didn't know what else to do. It hurts it's very hurtful, but you can't rationalize with a crazy person. Somehow she was able to get her own Valium bc she said she had her own.... probably my dad slipped her the bottle of Valium before he left yesterday evening. God, she is the devil when she takes that stuff, the devil!!! So, after doing a lot of thinking last night and a lot of soul-searching about what I would do this morning is this, I did not go back home today. My mother has one brother left who is the still alive, lives in her hometown and is just five minutes from the hospital, he and I have spoken through Facebook messenger he knows what is going on, but doesn't seem to have any interest us to go and check on her. My mother has another other brother who is now deceased, but whose wife is someone I know my mother still speaks with, she lives out of state and I have been speaking with her over the past few weeks concerning this whole entire situation. And in speaking with the two of them today about what they think that I should do considering everything that is going on in the past, what is happening now, my mother having a stroke, her not living in any kind of reality and her desire to want to go back home asap and live in that stressful environment, her basically telling me to go jump in the lake if I tried to butt into their business ...... aunt, uncle and myself came up with this, it may not be the best decision or reaction to mom, but I think it's all I got left at this point. We think that considering the fact that A married couple is the first in line caretaker/caregiver for each other and considering my mother seems to do nothing but want to go back home, thinks (at least she thinks this 75% of the time) dad is a capable functioning man and wants to put herself back into that environment, she should be able to do that bc who am I to stop her. She has (currently and in past) threatened to disown me, sue me, have me committed (ha! That's a joke) if I tell anyone how things are at home and share their business. And doesn't seem this hospital (I wouldn't send a opossum there for medical care) sees any problem with her mental or health state, beyond her regular health issues..... what else can I do here, people??!??!!?? I asked them for mental health evaluation, stated the concerns and home lifestyle they have, lack of self care to the nurses, told them about the financial exploitation... didn't leave anything out and no one there has tried contacting me, nurses and SW person do not return my calls today. What can I do now??? This system that "cares" for elderly is so terrible, I'm ashamed to be a citizen of this country at the moment.

But again I digress. So after she hung up on me last night and blocked me, via switchboard operator from calling her back rest of night, she called me today, leaving me a voicemail. And can you believe what she said in this message? First she acted like nothing was wrong, tone was completely neutral and had the nerve to ask me to get on the phone, contact her heart doctor, who is here in the city that I live in and for me to figure out a way to get her transferred down here. She also made a point to say "oh my heart doctor might not even agree to help do anything with me considering the fact that I have been a no-show for last seven appointments I've made with him over the past three years, but it's not like it's my fault, I'm just under too much stress!! He will see that now since I've had a stroke." Then she laughed... crazy right? End of message she said, " just do that for me OK because your father is just, you know, he's just no good for nothing and can't get him to do anything".

After I pulled myself together and got the anger out of me by screaming into a pillow, I called her back and she answered the phone in her room there at the hospital, and I said this to her
" mom, I've done a lot of thinking since last night. I am your daughter, I care about you very much, but here is where I stand with this, you clearly want dad to care for you and from what I have discovered, as married people you are actually each other's caregiver and since you said last night you wanted me to mind my own business and you don't want me involved, you want dad to care for you, you want to go home, you just want to be with your husband, and that nothing is my business, I think it's best that that's what happens. Your wish is granted. So, I guess you need to get a hold of dad and have him do all these things for you. Actually the hospital should be responsible for some of these communications by your primary care doc there to your cardiologist here in my city. Hospital would know how to deal with the hospital transfer to this area from where you are now. Honestly you seem to be just fine, dad is just a 10 minute drive to you and you have all of those medical people there at the hospital to take care of your medical needs. I think it's best that you go through those channels, ok. If you need anything else that would not be too intrusive, sibce your privacy is clearly an issue where I'm concerned, I'll do my best to make it happen, but I think dad is the person you should be having help as your caregiver. I'll be praying and hopefully you'll get all your demands carried out to your liking. Bye, mom".

I hung up the phone and I'm not going to lie people, I feel pretty damn good about how that call went. I haven't felt this light and free from all of the mental and emotional bull$h!? in a long time. I'm not trying to be insensitive bc I really do want to help my parents but I'm not going to be their slave and I'm sure not going to be anybody's whipping post. And they have to get some mental help so we can communicate like rational adults. That's a tall order and quite frankly probably something that'll never happen. That's just how I feel. Thanks for reading and thanks for the advice.



And a side note on her jealousy issues. The above I sn't the first time that she has made claims that I'm jealous of my own parents marriage and she's even made suggestions of incest between dad and I!!! My mother might be one of the most jealous people I have ever met and when she gets into one of these jealous rages,usually after her and dad fight, her reasoning goes completely out the window. Growing up sometimes my dad and I  had to pretend we were angry at one another just to keep peace/she would be happy. Isn't that insane? On a couple of occasions, as I have grown into a woman, she has actually made comments, to me but never to him or both of us together, suggesting may have performed sexual favors to dad for gifts....WTH??
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“...help me get the right people to help me get her to listen to reason.”

There is a saying here on AC that I have dubbed The Golden Rule of Dementia:
“There is no reasoning with dementia.”

You can hope that your mother will see reason - now that disaster has struck and she’s in the hospital from suffering a stroke- but I wouldn’t count on it. In fact, if she reacts to the hospital environment and post stroke effects as many elders do - she’s likely to become even more delusional than usual.

Add into that, typical old-age stubbornness and denial when it comes to accepting an “independent” life is no longer possible - well, things are probably going to get worse before they get better.

As the title of your thread suggests - you are now in the position where you are going to have to assume the parent role and make the tough decisions that are for their own good - whether they like it or not.

BTW - I know it’s all probably gonna need to be back-burnered for now due to her stroke- but I was wondering about your mother reasoning skills and the theft issue. Your mother seems to understand that the housekeeper has stolen from her - what is her take on where to proceed as far as firing, prosecuting, etc?
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Gosh you have been given some smart information on this thread! I was going to say you might have to wait for a disaster, but it looks like that has happened. It would be good if she could be sent to rehab or transitional care before she is discharged to home. That would buy you some time.

Please update us as this progresses. We learn from each other!
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Just talked to mom on phone. She said dad promised no more stress so now everything is "just fine". She told me no need to come especially if I'm only there to cause trouble and make up lies. Geeeezzzzzzz WTH???? This relationship of theirs is so toxic.
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Thank you for that info, for both of them. Yes, I'm going there tomorrow, but have dear friend from high school days who is SW and she is getting this all going before I get there as well as dad check at home tonight. He'll be mad he is being checked in on, but the great thing about this short term memory loss is he usually isn't mad for long! 😜 Gotta laugh when I can.
Thanks again
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At; Yes, many folks are waiting for a disaster to happen to their parents that forces change. It's not like one says "hip hip hooray" or anything. It just means that professional forces get involved.

Can you drive to where mom is tomorrow? You need to talk to the discharge planning folks (don't let anyone tell you "oh, it's too soon to talk about that". Tell them that you are there for ONE DAY ONLY and have THE TALK. Tell them EVERYTHING about your parents' living conditions and mental state. Tell them that sending mom home to be cared for by dad is an "unsafe discharge". Repeat that phrase often.

Is dad home alone? Is he okay by himself? Think about calling for a wellness check for him.
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And my state is a one party state when it comes to recording calls. I have two good friends from college who are attorneys. They don't deal in elder care but they do know that piece of info regarding calls. And the only reason I record them is bc they claim I'm always lying when I say they told me this or that info during other conversations. I keep as proof for that and for my own sanity - feeling gaslit (is that a word?)/gaslighting.

I've been researching all this for a long time, I have just dreaded doing the obvious. Unfortunately and somewhat fortunately my mother having this stroke has forced them out of their cocoon and seems like the nurses and doctor are seeing what I've been saying all along. When my parents go to their doctor appointments, they are prepared and can put on an act. Today, there was no time to prep so they got to see mom and dad how I see them everyday. Please don't think I'm being insensitive to this. I just knew the only way I was going to get things moving would be when someone ended up in the ER. I read that in another post in here somewhere over the weekend.
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Well the credit cards are ones my parents don't use (meaning they don't have cards from those banks) and just so happens the motel she has been living at for last six months (she had told my mom the name of it when she first started living there) is owned by our old neighbor from when I was very small child. She (mom and I called to confirm) called him and got him to tell her bank name of her (cleaning lady) credit card. It matches the credit card name taking funds out of their account. And utilities aren't from their (parents or my) home(s).  How did cleaning lady get the acct info? She got the account information when my mom stupidly gave her a check to take to bank to deposit into that account over a year ago. She used deposit slip to get info. She never thought this girl would take down the account number and routing number and the correct writing of name and address etc..  When you pay cc bill online, most cc co. only ask for acct and routing number. Utilities do the same. I'm sure she makes cash advances on those cards too. 

After I posted first messages this morning, mom called thinking she may have had a stroke. I am three hours away so I called 911. After they ran tests all day, according to call I just got from doc, mom has had a stroke and she may have clot in brain. I stayed here thinking they would for sure transport her to where I am bc this is closest "city" and they live in rural small town. Now I have to wait till morning to go back there. I don't see well at night, the road is a country road and dangerous most of the way and I've spoken to her and she says she feels better now that she is "out of that filthy house". I just hope this situation will help get me the right resources and help me get the right people to help me get her to listen to reason. I wish the circumstances were different, but I pray she can see now the severity of things and will let us get the care for her she needs!!! My dad is another story.

If you pray, say one for our family. I appreciate all the advice on here. It's nice to have a place to vent. I've been holding all this in for so long..... can't be good for my health either:((
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How do you know the housekeeper paid her credit card bill and utilities? That’s pretty specific information regarding someone whom you have no contact with.

I’m not doubting you - at all - so please don’t think that. What I’m wondering instead- is if your parents “willingly” gave her the money. 

It wouldn’t be the the first time a compromised senior was conned out of money - by someone they have become dependent on in order for them to continue to live their delusions of being “independent”.

From what you’ve described it sounds like the housekeeper outed your concerns in a way that made you the enemy and she the protective ally.

Does this make your parents incompetent in the eyes of the law - along with the other errors your parents have made in paying bills on time - or does it just make them unorganized and forgetful - along with being guilty of making very poor choices? In our society, when it comes to mental health and constitutionally protects rights of personal freedom- one plus one does not always equal two.

So - what now? Sitting back and letting the chit hit the fan doesn’t seem to be a good idea nor one you’re willing to do, anyhow. So, again - now what?

Getting involved is gonna piss off the folks - you know that already. So it seems to boil down to just how far you’re willing to piss them off. Especially, when it comes to addicts - they can get really nasty if their little habit becomes threatened.

Calling APS seems to be a good first step. But what if they conclude the only problem is your parents are making poor choices? And btw - your parents will know you’re the whistle blower.

Next stop? An attorney specializing in elder care and guardianship? Know that your parents will likely fight you on this - making the process very - very, drawn out in time and very - very, expensive. Do know that if you do succeed you can be reimbursed from your parents funds. If you fail - you’re gonna be out a crap-load of money. I did want to add that your recordings of the phone conversations will probably be inadmissible in court. It is illegal to record conversations without the other party’s knowledge.

So - there are no easy answers. But it seems there never are when it comes to trying to do what’s best for resisting elders struggling with dementia, failing physical health and - addiction.

I wish you the best of luck - and as author Stephen Covey says “Begin with the end in mind”. It is a mantra that will serve you well.
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Mn. In particular, before you start levelling accusations at anyone carefully evaluate the information you have.

Late taxes and so on, fine, you've got the demands to prove it. But how do you know what you know about a woman you've had virtually no direct contact with? For the cleaner to have paid her own credit card and utilities bills from your parents' bank account, "someone" must have given her access to it and authorised the payments - unless you're alleging identity theft/fraud/forgery as well. I'm not saying it's impossible - sadly, perhaps it's not even unlikely - that financial exploitation has gone on, but be careful what you allege in public until you have independently verifiable evidence.

I can only imagine the frustration and anger you must feel. Perhaps the best plan is the one you first thought of, to make an application for guardianship to be awarded to an independent court appointee. But do get legal advice, and do think carefully about a) what you're afraid of happening; b) what you would like to happen; and c) what you think your parents would like to happen. It's a heck of a can of worms you've got, there.

Also. I'm not sure that even getting it in hand would heal all the anger, would it? Still. Got to start somewhere.
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I have pics of their home condition, there is city records of late (as in 2.5 yrs late on property taxes on main and a third house and water being shut off at the second and third house bc they forgot to pay the bill). My mother was aware she hadn't paid the property taxes October of 2016 bc she called me all frantic, but just paid it the other day (a year and two months of her first discovery of it) when she made the discovery of the cleaning lady stealing. And, no, I've never had a relationship with this woman, cleaning lady. Why? Bc she is an ex drug addict who has worked my parents and been everything they have needed bc I haven't been there. She took full advantage of that, exploited it and has known my concerns bc I did send her numerous texts to please let me know how they are doing (back in the spring once I got her full name and cell number) and she never told them I was checking on them thru her nor did she ever return my 14 texts over 3 months or answer or return my 6 calls I made to her during that time. Why should she?? She has her meal ticket and revealing anything to them or me could and would disturb that. Of course, last week as revealed my hunch has been on the money this entire time. Im not going to let this slide. Im going to make sure she is prosecuted fully for this, financial exploitation.

My parents are well off, but are going to lose everything if they don't let someone step in and guide them in the right direction. How many people do you know, elderly people, upsize their way of living as they age?? My parents have their home (the one I grew up in/their main house which is on a huge piece of land and the house is 2000sq ft) and a second house they have had since 1996 (its in the town im in 3 hours away and is about 2800 sq ft). And they just bought in February of 2013 a million dollar farm that is 8000 sq ft not 20 miles from house number two!!!!! These people never have company, both are severely arthritic and complain they can't care for the house they live in full time!!! Who, in that shape, buys a 8000sq ft house, making all these elaborate plans about "when we feel a little better we will get these first two sold and then just move everything into the new big house". The fantasyland thinking drives me crazy. I try and tell them, lets think one thing at a time but they just pop a Valium or three and then there is no talking to them. By the time I get up the nerve (or have calmed down from anger) to call them again, some new issue has come up. I'm just at my wits end. Thanks for reading and for your input.
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More than enough information to file for guardianship... are you sure you have? How much of this have you got down on paper?

I'd want advice from two people - APS about how to get an assessment of their living situation, and a good specialist lawyer about next steps to take.

Do you ever speak to the cleaner yourself? Have you ever been on friendly terms with her?
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I think what you want to do is call Adult Protective Services and report that they are vulnerable adults who are being financially exploited.

Others may have different solutions.
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Part 2:
I, of course, will remove myself from even being the person who could be chosen as that because of course they're going to make it seem as though that all I care about is money and controlling them, when all I care about is their well-being. I don't want anybody taking advantage of them financially or otherwise. God only knows who has taken advantage of them prior to this and God only knows what else that woman has taken from them!! They sure can't bc how could they, when their Health is failing and they are high 99% of the time!!!

A couple of years ago I started recording all of our phone conversations. I have all of these recordings, every last one of them, which shows at times wacky drug like behavior, crazy comments, paranoid delusions, you name it I've got it on These recordings show the decline in their mental state. My parents have two other houses that are in the same area that I live in which is two hours away from where they are full-time, and on numerous occasions I have had to go over to these homes when utilities have come over to turn the utility back on because my mother had forgotten to pay bills on other occasions I've just found out that my mother had not pay property taxes on two of their homes and till just recently. On one of those homes that she had not paid property taxes on she had not paid them for 2 1/2 years. I feel like I have more than enough information that would be something I could use to show the courts that there is a problem here and that they can no longer care for themselves.

I have no other options other than turning this over to the courts, right? I've asked them to allow me to help or turn things over to me to help them and they won't even hear of it!!! Say that if I ever take it upon myself to put my nose where it doesn't belong, they will never speak to me again and they say they will sue me!!!! WTF???
Anyone deal with parents this out of their minds, stubborn and paranoid to boot? Do I have any other recourse I haven't thought of???? I'm at my wits end. Thanks for reading.
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