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We became aware in 2011. No one sees another side to him. He is argumentative. Argues that he wants to help but doesn't do it at all or doesn't finish. He tells me to remind him or get on his case and then he yells and curses to get off his back. He says I make things up. That really hurts. My stomach is a mess. We live in a CCRC and I think he belongs in memory care, but then I feel guilty that I should be able handle this. What should I do? He is almost 89 and I am almost 74.

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That sounds normal even without dementia when it comes to helping around the house. I have one like that at home, but without the dementia and the cursing :P

Now in your case, throw in dementia, and life is not easy as you cannot reason with person who's brain isn't thinking clearly. No wonder your stomach is tied up in knots. Check with hubby's primary doctor and see if there is anything he/she can do to help calm him down. Does hubby do this any time of the day, or is there a certain time when this other side of him comes out? If yes, I bet it is after 4pm, and that is called "sundowning".

Please do not feel guilty. I know it is easier said then done. You just need to remind yourself you are not a professionally trained therapist in Dementia. This becomes all trial and error. None of us have a mentor looking over our shoulders telling us to try this or that. Plus your energy level isn't the same, and I bet you don't have a good night sleep.

Thank goodness you live in a retirement community so you know you can still be around the friends you have already made, when and if the time comes that hubby needs a higher level of care, it's right there in the community. Bravo on that decision !!
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