Grief, despair, and isolating depression.

Question

My parents are elderly and I am their caretaker. Black sheep of family. I have a therapist, go to 12 step ACOA. On meds. I have become socially avoidant with them and don't want to interact with their emotional lifelong dysfunctional BS and scapegoating on me. I do what I have to and retreat to my basement couch and cry or sleep. Anyone relate? Siblings judge and abuse the crap out of me in talking bad about me to my parents and not doing anything to help other than whirl in with their pontifications and accusations. I am so depressed and want to know if anyone else has breaking points of feeling they can't come back from this. I feel paralyzed by grief. My parent turn HELLO into a problem. The manipulative verbiage and mood swings between the two of them is insane. Mom is an alcoholic but I helped her go to AA until my dad started getting her alcohol outside the home and taking her out so she can drink. My siblings also allow it despite knowing how bad it has ruined our family. The last straw so many times has happened and yet I am always theone who is blamed. Im so depressed.

Care1975 · Accepted Answer

My caregiving ended about 6 years ago, but there were about 20 years of caring for my parents and my husband's parents.  I was also blamed and constantly told what I was doing wrong.  After everything was finished, I had to find a way to make peace with everything that had happened with my siblings.  I feel that siblings blame the caregiver because anger is easier to deal with than grief or pain.  As long as they have someone to blame, they won't have to deal with the pain of seeing their parent decline.  Realizing this seemed to help me forgive them over time, it doesn't excuse their behavior, but it seemed help me make peace with the fact that it wasn't me, it was something within them.

hannahhonee73 · Answer

Do you think you can get a plan to move out? If you're just doing the basics and retreating from the drama, it's probably not a good situation for you or them. You would be happier and more likely to stay on the program if you weren't subjected to the triggers from your family. Maybe your sponsor can help you make a plan. You'd be surprised how much different you will feel when your identity isn't so intertwined with your family.

kellse · Answer

Go to a meeting and call your sponsor

blannie · Answer

Scared is there any way you can work to build a life outside of taking care of your parents? If that's your whole world, then it's easy to be taken down by their dysfunction. If you can build some healthy friendships/activities outside of them and their care, then you have something else to focus on and to know that you're OK and that the issues are THEIRS and not yours.

I think as caregivers it's easy to let our loved ones become our entire focus and that's not fair or healthy for us. So my suggestion would be to get out and start going to some events that you enjoy to start to build you own life. Hugs - this stuff isn't easy!

Sunnygirl1 · Answer

I think that therapists, counselors, etc., can give us tools that help us cope.  Some things we can change, others we can't. I think it's important to set boundaries and take care of ourselves.  Finding joy in my life has to the priority.

Scaredtaker · Answer

Thank you Sunny. I a trying almost too hard.

Sunnygirl1 · Answer

I'm sorry things have been so tough for you. Addiction and illness can cause some pretty messed up things to happen in families. I think that working with a doctor is important, plus getting lots of support, regardless of where it comes from.

Sometimes, our families can be pretty dysfunctional. Getting everyone on the same page is quite difficult. I've tried to stay clear of the toxic people and help those that I can be less toxic. I wish there were easier answers. Maybe, you'll get more responses. It's nice to vent here. I hope you feel better doing that.

Grief, despair, and isolating depression.

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