I have benefited so much from this site. I’m at a point where I need to take care of myself. My mom is 92 and I have gone above and beyond for the past few years for her. She lives in an ALF and things are good overall. But it has taken a toll on me. Please share your best tips on how you prioritize yourself and create some distance with your parent.
I often said this to my 93 year old aunt who is in a lovely care home. Food in her stomach, roof over her head, waited on by the staff, interaction with others daily. But still she says it is a prison. I talked through her previous life in sheltered accommodation (UK) and that was a miserable existence, days when she never dressed, sat in front of the tv, ate so little, no one came to see her. I no longer call regularly as I have my immediate family to manage so I have become the enemy. So be it, some people don't realize how lucky they are. Oh, and I am the only relative who visited, her siblings didn't want to know her, due to her behavior towards her parents in the past.
Now, either your 92 year old, already in care and with PLENTY of activities and folks to visit with, will understand this, or she will not. But in either case you spoke truth.
You will decide before hand what days and hours you can visit. You will lay that out for her. And that's that. What works is the TRUTH, and what else works is understanding that old age isn't any more about happiness all the time than any other part of life was. And you aren't responsible for the attitude and "happiness" of anyone but yourself.
I wish you the best. What we may or may not have found that works for US doesn't mean it will work for you. In my own case, having been the only one "there" for my brother, he didn't wish to relocate to northern Cal nor me to Southern Cal. That dictated the amount of time, then, that we saw one another. There was never any question of our lives dictating the lives of those we loved best.
I agree with JoAnn that you can cut down your visits if this is something you don't wish to maintain. We visited my MIL in LTC once a week for an hour or 2 (she had memory impairment so didn't even remember we'd been there) but she was in an excellent facility and they made a lot of effort to get her out to meals, activities and events.
If your Mom's place has activities, keep in close contact with the Activity Director to let them know you'd appreciate them encouraging her to be engaged.
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