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I have benefited so much from this site. I’m at a point where I need to take care of myself. My mom is 92 and I have gone above and beyond for the past few years for her. She lives in an ALF and things are good overall. But it has taken a toll on me. Please share your best tips on how you prioritize yourself and create some distance with your parent.

Often residents are needy and complaining to their family members but if you were to observe them in their facility without them knowing you are there, you'd see that they're perfectly content or even engaged and having fun. Family members become a trigger for negativity. So if that's one of the problems, that she's asking you to fix things that don't really need to be fixed, that might give you some peace of mind.
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marygIndiana Dec 26, 2025
Yes, this has been my experience. My initial instinct is to try to make things better when I've learned I don't need to do anything other than continue supporting my father.
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You don't have to visit everyday. You now have the freedom to do what you want. She has all her necessities. She has 3 meals a day. She has a room to herself surrounded by her things. The facility cleans her room and does her laundry. You set boundaries for you. You are now just a daughter. No more Caregiving on your part.
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JudyTeen30 Dec 31, 2025
Thank you JoAnn29, that is spot on.
I often said this to my 93 year old aunt who is in a lovely care home. Food in her stomach, roof over her head, waited on by the staff, interaction with others daily. But still she says it is a prison. I talked through her previous life in sheltered accommodation (UK) and that was a miserable existence, days when she never dressed, sat in front of the tv, ate so little, no one came to see her. I no longer call regularly as I have my immediate family to manage so I have become the enemy. So be it, some people don't realize how lucky they are. Oh, and I am the only relative who visited, her siblings didn't want to know her, due to her behavior towards her parents in the past.
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My mother is in AL, has been for over a year. She became demanding that I refill her snack fridge/candy dish every two weeks. Every time I said, "Why don't you ask (my two siblings)?" her answer was always, "They're so busy." But what is hilarious about that is only one of them actually is, the other isn't. The one that actually is, isn't as busy as I am. It would never click for her that I was also busy. She simply does not care. So, it has been almost 2 months since I have even spoken/messaged with her, let alone visited and refilled her snacks. She went on Facebook this weekend and posted that she has no food and she's hungry. So, it will now be longer before I visit and bring her snacks. I know she has dementia. I get that she literally can not care that I am busy and need time and space and have a life to lead that doesn't revolve around her, but I still do not have to be manipulated and the subject of her lies for attention. Without writing a novel, This is honestly an extension of how she has always treated me. The last to have my needs considered. Today I'm feeling like I want to just walk away entirely. Today I feel like it wouldn't bother me one bit to not to ever see her again. Visits are horrible. Any kind of mother I had in her is already gone. That person is dead. What left is this completely self-centered, manipulator that really, she always was, but without the psychological/neurological motivation to cover that side of her up and at least try to act like she's not.
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TBSmith Dec 29, 2025
Wow! This sounds exactly like what I’m going through. My mom with mild cognitive decline lives about 35 miles from me, independently, in a CCC for the last year. I see her about once a week or two; two brothers live further away, so are far less involved. I do all the work, and receive nothing but manipulative comments and nastiness from her. I, too, am feeling like just walking away—she adds nothing positive to my life anymore.
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You learn to say No. you learn to not jump when they demand. My father couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t leave work or at least come after work when he wanted something. I would tell him I would deal with it when I normally visit later in the week. The world does not come to a screeching halt if they don’t receive instant gratification.
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While mom was in AL, I'd visit her once a week. I'd order her supplies from Amazon to be delivered to her apartment. Phone calls were once a day. Of course there was still emergencies to deal with, dentists, ER visits, hospitals, etc etc. It's endless. Folks who this k we drop a parent off in AL and we're done are truly ignorant.
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Fawnby Dec 15, 2025
Yes, they are! If their glasses aren’t lost again, their hearing aids don’t work. If their smelly pants don’t need to be replaced, their pillow does. If they pull down their curtains, I have to switch to a valance and find one that fits the window. The staff has a cookie party and they suggest I bake cookies. The rent is due and they don’t have direct deposit (!) so I have to write the check and make sure the admin gets it. On and on. No wonder caregivers die before their loved ones!
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You really need to say to your parent what you said to us exactly. That you have to make some time for your own life, your own chores, your other family, your own health, your own trips and activities.
Now, either your 92 year old, already in care and with PLENTY of activities and folks to visit with, will understand this, or she will not. But in either case you spoke truth.
You will decide before hand what days and hours you can visit. You will lay that out for her. And that's that. What works is the TRUTH, and what else works is understanding that old age isn't any more about happiness all the time than any other part of life was. And you aren't responsible for the attitude and "happiness" of anyone but yourself.

I wish you the best. What we may or may not have found that works for US doesn't mean it will work for you. In my own case, having been the only one "there" for my brother, he didn't wish to relocate to northern Cal nor me to Southern Cal. That dictated the amount of time, then, that we saw one another. There was never any question of our lives dictating the lives of those we loved best.
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I have to say that for those dealing with narc parents, therapy definitely helps you to learn to take care of yourself. Caregivers, by nature, put everyone else first, often to their own detriment. Learning not to jump at every minor demand helps.
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It would help to know what you've been doing in regards to care or a routine up to this point so that we can better know what to suggest to you.

I agree with JoAnn that you can cut down your visits if this is something you don't wish to maintain. We visited my MIL in LTC once a week for an hour or 2 (she had memory impairment so didn't even remember we'd been there) but she was in an excellent facility and they made a lot of effort to get her out to meals, activities and events.

If your Mom's place has activities, keep in close contact with the Activity Director to let them know you'd appreciate them encouraging her to be engaged.
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DD1963: When I was living out of state taking care of my mother, there were a few times when I used friends of her's to transport her to appointments. I was not 'wonder woman' especially since I was already an elder myself.
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I visit my mom at her AL once a week. She has a boyfriend now and is very content, only reaching out when she needs something. Whatever it is, I’ll put it on my list for my next weekly visit. I’ll pick up what she needs and spend about an hour with her, usually troubleshooting something (finding lost things, plugging the computer in to make it work, etc) and generally making a survey of what she is running out of, throwing out old food, etc. I don’t stay long unless she is in a chatty mood and I don’t worry about her in between visits. She’s in a good place and she is safe.
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