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We have been caregivers to my parents now for just under 4 years,never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be this way,Its like a roller coaster ride that keeps changing directions just when ever it feels like it, and it is so daunting,I just want it all to stop,and us get some resemblance of a life back,
we used to have a life, our life,and it has all been taken away by my parents and I resent them so much I cannot think or say anything good or nice about then,other than they have ruined our life,
our home is the other side of the world,we left that to come here in the UK to care for parents who never ever gave any thought to the fact that their only daughter lived the other side of the world for most of her life,my only sibbling died many years ago so it was always known I was the one it would all end up with,Before we even got to this stage we,d asked them to come live with us offering to sell our home take care of them,they were in their 80 then ,but no my dad would say I would,nt live in that place if you paid me a million pounds,well that place was/is our home,I left this country over 40 years ago,we had a good life with a lovely home friends ,jobs,we gave all that up because there was no one else to do what needed to be done,
we had a lovely dog she was our baby,she was 15 years old, anyone who loves dogs would understand how it felt to have to put this beautifull dog to sleep because my parents never ever gave any thought as to what they could do about there old age and how they would be taken care of,
Now our life revolves around incontinence,doctors,pityfull phone calls,my dad died last year 93 ,alziemers,my mother is 89 with vascular dememtia,and I just want it all to end I want my mother to die,so we can have our life back,I have no time for my mother I do not want to ever be alone with her,I cannot handle just being with her or having to take her any where.I am so tired of it all, I go to bed each night and lay there trying to get to sleep,I wake every morning to a mind racing,worrying,what will the day be like,am I still here,
Anyone going through caring for parents deserves a medal and all the love and support,
I feel so much for the people who post on this site,in some ways it helps because it helps me see I am not the only one, i do not want pity,I just want to be me again,and I worry that that will never happen.
Thank you mum and dad for ruining our life

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Blannie, I understand!
So, really, I am born, bred, and confused in the U.S.A.! ,Lol.

Thanks for answering back and clearing that up.
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One thing I had noticed with my parents was they did not view me as a senior citizen with my own health decline, aches and pains.... I was viewed as "the kid" who could still do everything without getting tired... [sigh].
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Sendme2help - yes, the rest of my post was meant for the original poster. I love animals and it's tough to read about them being hoarded. I'm glad you've done what you can and your mom's neighbors spirit away animals. I used to watch Hoarders on TV, but couldn't stand the animal hoarder cases. So I'm not criticizing you...sorry if it sounded like that.
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Susan13,
Fix everything the way that is right for you and immediate family.
An often repeated motto:
Children are not responsible for caregiving their parents, but are responsible to see that they are cared for.
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My husband's mother (mil) has already been reported to animal contol, several times. Did everything possible while we were there last, cannot be responsible for what goes on after we left.
Her neighbors try to steal them into protective custody.

Blannie, The rest of your post was for the OP, not me? "Going back to your adopted country to re-establish a life there" would not be possible for me, born and bred in ths U.S.A. Confused.

Loving pets here, just cannot discuss this further. Thinking of avoiding bringing up any pet issues in the future. I can read all the heartache on pet rescue sights.
So sorry to have brought it up, tugging at your hearts unthinkingly. I stand with you all, and agree. Feeling sensitive, I guess.
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Yes, sendme2help, please don't let the animals stay with your mom. It's not fair to them.

I've been caring for my mom for 13 years (and dad 9 years until his death). She doesn't live with me, but I do everything for her. Some days (like yesterday), it's all I can do to make myself go over and help her. I'm lucky in that my mom is very grateful. But she only cared for her mom (from a distance) until she was about 52. I'm going to be 66 in a couple of months and my mom is still going strong at 96. I'm a senior myself. There are days when I'm very resentful of my position. I have a brother who has washed his hands of 99% of the responsibility. I can also get very resentful about him if I allow myself to think about it.

The bright spot in my life is I realized I needed to create a life independent from taking care of my mom and I've done that. But I still have that anvil of responsibility around my neck that will be there until my mom leaves this earth. And I won't feel one ounce of regret or guilt because I've done EVERYTHING I could for my folks. So work on recreating your own life. Get help and/or go back to your adopted country and reestablish your life there.
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Sendme2help, I'd report the animal abuse and get them out of there.
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My husband's mother lives alone post stroke, with caregiver visiting.
She will not move, hoards and abuses animals, expected us to move near her to serve her, accuses people of stealing from her, trying to tell her what to do, taking over her life, and she has always used people then trashes their reputation because it was never good enough.
Finally, detaching with love, we said when she is ready for help moving to AL, we would be there. These are not our requirements for her life, it is doubtful if she would qualify to live there, or anywhere except a locked ward. So as long as she
can get by, that is what is happening.
We are saving ourselves, and it is sad because we are caring people who regularly help others, and even that can be challenging or impossible. So, detach, detach, detach.
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Susan, I hope that your account of what happened with your situation will provide caution to people who are seeking to do what you have done. You may have good intentions, but sacrificing your life to care for an ill person around the clock is very ambitious and often not prudent. I hope others will take something away from it.

I think that plenty of adult children love their parents and want their best care, but would not consider becoming their full time caretaker, especially, when they are very ill or have dementia.

I know that I love my parents and other family members as well, but in a million years, I would never even consider being a full time caregiver a possible solution. There are so many cons and so few pros, imo. I felt this way long before my cousin got dementia. I realize that everybody is different, but, if people are hell bent on taking on the caretaker role, it's difficult to convince them otherwise. Why not learn from your experience and get relief for yourself and care for your mother by those who are not suffering so themselves?
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Oh, and I am so sad for your dog. He gave up everything so they wouldn't have to move. I know he was old... but still it is very sad.
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Susan, I understand exactly how you feel. When we decide to help our parents, we don't think about how many years it will go on. After a while we see our whole lives slipping away with no easy way to stop it. The thing with vascular dementia (VaD) is that people may have a poor quality life, but it can last for years. I take it that you are there with your husband. He must be an angel. You and he need to talk about what you want to do, then take steps to make it happen. It is not easy.

One thing I've noticed with parents who request their children to come home is that they feel they are very important. Why else would you ask a child to totally abandon their life so you won't have to move. I mean, think about that! I could never ask that of anyone. Older people often go into survival mode and being so self-focused that they lose sight of the needs of others. I'm afraid that many of us are in that position. Personally I know that if I died tomorrow, my mother's only concern would be who was going to care for her now. Total survival mode.

I personally only know three people in my personal life who are (or were) full-time caregivers for parents. One was my cousin, who cared for my mother's sister. One is a middle aged woman who gave up her entire life for her dominant mother. The other is me. The three care receivers are all very self-centered. All the other old people I know are either living independently, in assisted living, or in nursing facilities. I'm sure there are a lot more family caregivers out there, but I wonder if they got hoovered in, too, and can't figure out how to get their lives back.

You are entitled to your bad feelings, but try not to let them hurt you. Look around for a good facility for your mother and try to figure out how to get her to go. That is the tough part -- how to get them to go. Don't know why it has to be so hard. I think some of us are too self-sacrificing for our own good.
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Get mom into a facility and get your life back.
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Susan13, I know how you feel as I had a lot of resentment toward my parents because they never planned what would happen if they became physically unable to keep living in their home.... they refused to move to some place safer that didn't have stairs, someone was always falling.... and my Mom refused caregivers and even a cleaning crew.

My parents had a wonderful fun filled 25 year retirement with a lot of travel. Well, when I was 63 still working full time, I was helping my parents as they could no longer drive, get groceries, run errands, ton of doctor appointments, needed help around the house.... fast forward to 70, I crashed and burned from the stress. Gone were any plans for my retirement... that bucket list has been torn up. I get panic attacks when driving, so I had almost stopped driving. I aged 20 years in those 7. My health is a mess because I was ignoring my health as I was so busy managing my parents health. My parents were in their 90's.

Yes, I know I had put myself into this situation but I didn't know what else to do as I had nothing to compare it to. My parents never took care of their own parents so I knew nothing about aging. Oh how I wished I had found this website 7 years ago instead of 3 years ago.... as it was too difficult now to start setting boundaries, etc.

Just within the past couple of years our local newspaper "The Washington Post" has been doing stories about caregiving, caregiving stress, senior living, senior health, dementia, etc. As I had stepped into a world I knew nothing about and wasn't ready to deal with.

Yesterday I had my first appointment with a "talk therapist" and it was THE prefect match. She is my age, and she had personal experience with an aging parent, assisted living, the whole nine yards. Just talking for that hour face to face with someone who has been down the same road felt so good :) I am looking forward to my next appointment.
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Your mum and dad did not ruin your life. You chose to dismantle your life and return to the UK - apparently in order to resent and complain about your parents. Why did you do that? Nobody made you.

I assume you are one of the many people who sneer at and despise underpaid and overworked professional carers. You would *never* put your mother in a home, right? Well. Few care homes are perfect. But you don't generally find the staff expressing feelings towards their charges as unambiguously vitriolic and full of hatred as yours. If that is really how you feel, if that is an honest account, your mother is not safe in your care.

Refer your mother to Adult Social Care. You get your life back, and she will be looked after by people who don't hate her. Win win.
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Sudan, does your mother live with you, you with her?

Why do you feel an obligation to do hands on caregiving? Ask yourself " if i die, where will mom be cared for then?"

Get the ball to get your mother into a good facility where she can be cared for by folks who are young, healthy and are trained to do this job.
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