I take after him, more laid back and love to laugh. My Mom is controlling, anxious, argumentative and hard to be around. I have an older sister but she is busy with her family and business (yes, I feel abandoned by her.) I am single and an ER Nurse so the caregiving has been left to me per usual. I was honored to take care of my Dad but we didn’t plan for what would happen after he died at all. Also, I own the condo next door to her!! My mom doesn’t drive and doesn’t have a lot of friends. Obviously, I’m devastated for her because how scary this situation is for her. He did everything for her, paid bills, driving, etc but I’m resentful because I do not want to have to do everything for her! There is a vibe of a sense of entitlement I get from her. I feel angry with my sister who knows how my mom is but has left me alone with her. I am in my 40s and feel like I still have a lot of life left to live & the idea of having to live and deal with her daily for however long is suffocating me. Out of respect for my Dad I would never stop contact with her. I find that I am not even able to grieve in her presence because when I start to cry or explain why I’m sad she automatically makes it about herself. I realize this is new and I am committed to helping closely for the 1st year but I don’t know how to distance myself after that year mark. I am taking a new remote role, but I would like to be able to have a day or two each week where I do not talk to her or see her at all. How do I say that to her?
Try to gradually pull back, to get Mom used to being on her own. Let her know you realize she must be scared, but Dad would want her to move forward the best she can.
Living next door to each other? Mom will never let go, living so close. It's too easy. Your sister gets this and stays back. you have given her a deadline. Put her bills on auto-pay for starters. Teach her how to order her groceries delivered. Ideally she could move to a Senior complex, to have people her own age to socialize with.
Don't let that "first year of commitment" turn into a hard habit to break.
Good luck to you in gaining your independence.
The problem here seems to be your own inability to set boundaries. You are clearly, as an ER RN, an intelligent person, but there are times we need to guidance and help of a good, in-person COGNITIVE therapist to guide us out of habitual ways of reacting and behaving. I doubt you would need very many sessions to get yourself set on another path. While this will be painful for mom, it isn't the first pain she's dealt with and she will adapt.
Don't forget your sister, in fact she's a great resource. Ask her how she managed to separate from your parents in adulthood, even if the answers are hard to hear. She might be a terrible person, we don't know, or she might be pretty wise.
Your instincts are all correct. You can’t, shouldn’t, don’t want to become your mom’s surrogate spouse / full time caregiver. You and your mom are both going through grief and loss and it will take time for you to sort out your new lives. But trust your instincts!
I would tell your mom this has hit both of us hard, we are both trying to find out how to be without dad. But I have goals and needs and I know that by next spring, I want to [move? Get a new job?] and I need to concentrate on those goals. You need to figure out what you want given your new circumstances and the fact that I will not be able to see you/ help you every day the way I am now.
Just keep firmly but gently reminding her of this truth. Do not let her assume you will forever compromise what you want because she thinks that will be easier for her.
You can put her bills on autopay, find senior services, grocery delivery, etc. tour continuum of care places with her. Help her to help herself. But stick to your plans and your timeline.
Trust your instincts! Live your own life.
Best wishes!
Do you have to say anything? If she is calling all the time can you just start letting some calls go to voicemail, maybe gradually increasing the time towards your goal of a mom-free day?
Same with not seeing her for a day. Can you just not be available, do something else, be away, etc. etc. for increasingly long periods of time?
”I realize this is new and I am committed to helping closely for the 1st year….”
I don’t think you should have to wait until a year has elapsed in order to start working on the enmeshment.
You are allowed to change your ‘commitment’, and any other ‘promise’ you made when you were under great stress. Stop thinking about ‘boundaries’ and rethink the whole situation straight away. It’s already ‘suffocating’ you. You are even contemplating ‘stopping contact with her’, and it’s ‘only out of respect for Dad’ that you won’t. M ‘is controlling, anxious, argumentative and hard to be around’, but you don’t mention any reason why she isn’t capable of sorting out her own future.
I commend your commitment to wanting to help her closely for 1 year, however it is not your responsibility to take over everything your dad did for her. It is not your sister's responsibility either. She is making the smart choice. Let go of your anger toward your sister. You will need her support in the long run.
It is not up to you to help your mother find friends, nor to be her only friend.
If you want to help her for the first year, help her to learn how to be independent.
Find ride shares, or transportation services for elderly. Show her how to order online and get what she needs delivered. Guide her toward a senior center or somewhere she can socialize with others her age, if she is so inclined.
Help her organize her bills, or find an accountant or bookkeeper your mother can pay to manage her bills and finances.
You would like a day or two each week where you don't wish to see or talk to her. Tell her that. Set your boundaries clearly and firmly, and then stick to them! Stop doing everything for her! Let her try and figure out her own solution without relying on you. Be there to offer suggestions when she doesn't know where to turn. That will help her. But, don't be the only solution. If you let her rely solely on you for a year, she will be devastated and helpless when you stop.
Tell her you are preparing her to be more independent because you have your own life to manage. When she whines, turn and leave.
When she comes knocking on your door on your "day off", remind her, "Mom, we talked about this. I just need a day to myself. I will see you tomorrow."
Sell the condo. Tell mom she either needs to hire people to visit every day or move to AL. Decide what you are willing to do and only do that. The boundaries are for you, not her.
I apologize for being so blunt. I just hate when I see people blaming others for the situation they put themselves in. And I am saying this as an only child so I have no one I can point a finger at. Give mom notice that the condo is going up for sale and after May 2026 she will need to either move to AL or hire out help as you will only be available for certain predetermined things.
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