I take after him, more laid back and love to laugh. My Mom is controlling, anxious, argumentative and hard to be around. I have an older sister but she is busy with her family and business (yes, I feel abandoned by her.) I am single and an ER Nurse so the caregiving has been left to me per usual. I was honored to take care of my Dad but we didn’t plan for what would happen after he died at all. Also, I own the condo next door to her!! My mom doesn’t drive and doesn’t have a lot of friends. Obviously, I’m devastated for her because how scary this situation is for her. He did everything for her, paid bills, driving, etc but I’m resentful because I do not want to have to do everything for her! There is a vibe of a sense of entitlement I get from her. I feel angry with my sister who knows how my mom is but has left me alone with her. I am in my 40s and feel like I still have a lot of life left to live & the idea of having to live and deal with her daily for however long is suffocating me. Out of respect for my Dad I would never stop contact with her. I find that I am not even able to grieve in her presence because when I start to cry or explain why I’m sad she automatically makes it about herself. I realize this is new and I am committed to helping closely for the 1st year but I don’t know how to distance myself after that year mark. I am taking a new remote role, but I would like to be able to have a day or two each week where I do not talk to her or see her at all. How do I say that to her?
Don't forget your sister, in fact she's a great resource. Ask her how she managed to separate from your parents in adulthood, even if the answers are hard to hear. She might be a terrible person, we don't know, or she might be pretty wise.
It might help to give both yourself and her some grace right now. Grief changes relationships, sometimes bringing old tensions to the surface. If you can, set small boundaries to protect your own energy while still being supportive. Some people find it useful to bring in outside support (grief groups, clergy, close friends, or even a counselor) so they don’t feel like it’s all on them.
You don’t have to carry this alone — and your mom’s adjustment will take time, too. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this new chapter.
Try to gradually pull back, to get Mom used to being on her own. Let her know you realize she must be scared, but Dad would want her to move forward the best she can.
Living next door to each other? Mom will never let go, living so close. It's too easy. Your sister gets this and stays back. you have given her a deadline. Put her bills on auto-pay for starters. Teach her how to order her groceries delivered. Ideally she could move to a Senior complex, to have people her own age to socialize with.
Don't let that "first year of commitment" turn into a hard habit to break.
Good luck to you in gaining your independence.
Your instincts are all correct. You can’t, shouldn’t, don’t want to become your mom’s surrogate spouse / full time caregiver. You and your mom are both going through grief and loss and it will take time for you to sort out your new lives. But trust your instincts!
I would tell your mom this has hit both of us hard, we are both trying to find out how to be without dad. But I have goals and needs and I know that by next spring, I want to [move? Get a new job?] and I need to concentrate on those goals. You need to figure out what you want given your new circumstances and the fact that I will not be able to see you/ help you every day the way I am now.
Just keep firmly but gently reminding her of this truth. Do not let her assume you will forever compromise what you want because she thinks that will be easier for her.
You can put her bills on autopay, find senior services, grocery delivery, etc. tour continuum of care places with her. Help her to help herself. But stick to your plans and your timeline.
Trust your instincts! Live your own life.
Best wishes!
Do you have to say anything? If she is calling all the time can you just start letting some calls go to voicemail, maybe gradually increasing the time towards your goal of a mom-free day?
Same with not seeing her for a day. Can you just not be available, do something else, be away, etc. etc. for increasingly long periods of time?
”I realize this is new and I am committed to helping closely for the 1st year….”
I don’t think you should have to wait until a year has elapsed in order to start working on the enmeshment.
The problem here seems to be your own inability to set boundaries. You are clearly, as an ER RN, an intelligent person, but there are times we need to guidance and help of a good, in-person COGNITIVE therapist to guide us out of habitual ways of reacting and behaving. I doubt you would need very many sessions to get yourself set on another path. While this will be painful for mom, it isn't the first pain she's dealt with and she will adapt.
Sell the condo. Tell mom she either needs to hire people to visit every day or move to AL. Decide what you are willing to do and only do that. The boundaries are for you, not her.
I apologize for being so blunt. I just hate when I see people blaming others for the situation they put themselves in. And I am saying this as an only child so I have no one I can point a finger at. Give mom notice that the condo is going up for sale and after May 2026 she will need to either move to AL or hire out help as you will only be available for certain predetermined things.
I agree all these things are very important and I wish our loved ones would cooperate while they are still able to make choices.
You are allowed to change your ‘commitment’, and any other ‘promise’ you made when you were under great stress. Stop thinking about ‘boundaries’ and rethink the whole situation straight away. It’s already ‘suffocating’ you. You are even contemplating ‘stopping contact with her’, and it’s ‘only out of respect for Dad’ that you won’t. M ‘is controlling, anxious, argumentative and hard to be around’, but you don’t mention any reason why she isn’t capable of sorting out her own future.
Yes, there are times I get resentful and wish I had more time for myself. But did you ever stop to think there may have been times she felt the same way while she was raising you? I'm sure glad she didn't walk away from you. I would never turn my back on my mom or give her ultimatums. You will get your "alone" time someday, but don't put yourself in a situation to regret the decisions you are making now.
Trish66, you should go where the mother is and help care for her.
Also, I know you see your sister as someone who should be a source of help. Would she perhaps be willing to take on the bill paying and help with finances, if she's unwilling to do any hands-on support? Or pay a fiduciary to do it if she doesn't have time to do it herself? You can get her an Uber or Lyft account if she's physically capable to get her around.
Another idea is to get her to move to a senior living apartment where there will be other people around for her to socialize with. They also take care of needed transportation, housekeeping and meals.
I commend your commitment to wanting to help her closely for 1 year, however it is not your responsibility to take over everything your dad did for her. It is not your sister's responsibility either. She is making the smart choice. Let go of your anger toward your sister. You will need her support in the long run.
It is not up to you to help your mother find friends, nor to be her only friend.
If you want to help her for the first year, help her to learn how to be independent.
Find ride shares, or transportation services for elderly. Show her how to order online and get what she needs delivered. Guide her toward a senior center or somewhere she can socialize with others her age, if she is so inclined.
Help her organize her bills, or find an accountant or bookkeeper your mother can pay to manage her bills and finances.
You would like a day or two each week where you don't wish to see or talk to her. Tell her that. Set your boundaries clearly and firmly, and then stick to them! Stop doing everything for her! Let her try and figure out her own solution without relying on you. Be there to offer suggestions when she doesn't know where to turn. That will help her. But, don't be the only solution. If you let her rely solely on you for a year, she will be devastated and helpless when you stop.
Tell her you are preparing her to be more independent because you have your own life to manage. When she whines, turn and leave.
When she comes knocking on your door on your "day off", remind her, "Mom, we talked about this. I just need a day to myself. I will see you tomorrow."
Be aware (as if you aren't already) of emotional / psychological triggers being with your mom and leave ASAP when she starts in (which is likely immediately).
- Get into / continue (?) therapy to deal with your pain / triggers / mother relationshp.
- Depending on finances, most certainly get the help in your need and your mother pays for ALL of this care, not you.
Get legal documents in order.
Revisit your ... oath [?] to your dad to continue contact with your mom.
- At some point, you need to put yourself first for your own health and well-being. Yes, you could keep your commitment by visiting once every six months if you feel like it.
Hire a medical social worker to manage care / work with you.
All this shouldn't be dumped on you being a family member and in such close proximity. Perhaps speak to your sister again and/or write out your thoughts in an official serious document / letter and send them to her through certified U.S. mail.
- Delineate who does what ... who pays for what ... and be very clear on your own boundaries of care. The duties / responsibilities need to be divided up 'somehow,' whether this means your sister pays for caregivers / social worker, etc., or other arrangements. The point is to let her know that you are now ON STRIKE and not doing everything.
And what you already know ... your mother won't change. You have to - to change the relationship / communication. I'd imagine having a narcissistic mother / parent is one of the more challenging situations to experience. My heart goes out to you.
Don't put up with your mom ranting. When she starts: IMMEDIATELY say, "this is not okay to speak to me like this. I'm leaving now to givey ou time to cool off." ... perhaps doing this 3-4-5 ... or more times, she'll understand you mean business and she will shift. My client actually did shift from her ranting so even with brain changes/cognitive decline, a person can change ... but don't expect it. You have to change how you interact with her for her to change, if she can / does at all.
And, put yourself first. Being an ER nurse is quite commendable (thank you). And, you are 'on' all the time ... is energy draining in lots of ways - you need to balance your work energy expenditure with managing your own life - and mom's care needs.
Let us know how you are doing.
Gena / Touch Matters
The more you do for your mum, the more you will be robbing her of her independence.
I'm using that negative term so that you see it's in your mum's best interests that you are firm with her. Of course, it's also in your best interests, too.
A bit like how my daughter would always set up my new mobile phone for me - when she moved to another town and had her own family, I was completely stuck with how to use the next new mobile phone I bought! I know this is a tiny problem compared to paying bills etc, but it's a similar problem.
Instead of doing things for your mum, teach her how to do them herself. Refuse to do them, but sit with her while she does it. That way, you'll be supporting her to become independent.
Help her to make a monthly plan for the things that need to be done. Show her how to set up an alarm on her phone for paying bills and sorting out anything else important, like getting the guttering cleared, or other major house maintenance chores, or the car serviced.
If your mum says, "You do it," tell her that you can't always be there for her, as you have your own life to manage, and she needs to do it herself. Say NO!
Your dad died 4 months ago. I'm sorry for both you and your mum, but it's now time for you to stop seeing her all the time. Only every other day for the next month and then every 3 days, then every 4 days etc.
Find something to do or somewhere else to be. Go out and do things you like, to recharge your batteries. When there's nothing else to do, go to the library, to a café, for a walk in the park. Anything, to have time to yourself and get your mum used to you not being around.
When you feel stronger about saying no to your mum, then you can stay home, without feeling guilty.
Learn to let go of the guilt and the feeling that you should always be there for your mum. You've already done more than enough. Live your own life, not hers.
You owe more to yourself than you do your mum. Here's an exercise to help you realise that.
Get a picture of yourself as a teenager and set it in front of you. Have a conversation with her, explaining how you are living your life right now. Tell her that you've achieved your goal of becoming a professional nurse, yet you're still enmeshed in your parents' lives and that you aren't living as an adult in your own right. Explain yourself.
What do you think she would have to say about that? Would she see a different side to your argument? Do you think she would want to be responsible for her parents all her life? Do you think she had ideas about how she would live as an adult, and have you honoured her dreams?
Think about what you owe yourself.
sorry that you lost your dad.
put some boundaries/limits in with your mum, so much good advice below . It will be good for the both of you.
I speak from experience. Very similar to you; my dad was the laidback one, and I lost him 3 years ago. I’m now doing everything - admittingly my mum now has Parkinsons and is 87, but I’d started doing everything before he died. I also notice how much he buffered stuff through his humour and ways.
now my mum can’t even realise what I’m doing for her to my detriment.
the hardest thing was I didn’t give myself time to grieve properly as I ended up doing everything for mum so soon after. I wish I had stopped and said I’ll show you how to do it.
xxx
If not, please look into it because her care needs are going to increase and you may well become overwhelmed.
Take care of yourself.
You have two types of issues here: pragmatic, like bill-paying and transportation, and the more emotional/social ones.
You can teach her to pay her own bills, ask if your sister can take over that one particular task, or do it yourself. Try to put most of it on autopay.
Contact your local office on aging to see what transportation options are available for your mother. You can also teach her to use uber/lyft or to at least call taxis, if they are still available where you are. Teach her to order her groceries, or order them for her on a schedule. See if you can sign her up for Meals on Wheels. If she expects you to help with cleaning, hire someone (at her expense) to do that once or twice a month. Just think of how her needs would be addressed if you weren't living nearby.
The other set of issues is the social and emotional ones. If it's not too late, can you make the remote role hybrid instead, so that you can get the social interaction of your job on some days, and so that your mother won't expect you by default to be available every day?
Do your best to persuade your mom to participate in your local senior center activities. Often transportation is provided for seniors who don't drive. If she refuses to go, let her know that you will not be available to her during your working day because you need to focus on your job. And then stick to that.
As for the cousins, uncles, and friends (even if there aren't many), politely encourage them to help her socialize. Text or email or call them and say, Mom is missing Dad; she'd appreciate if you would take her out for coffee or lunch, or at least call or facetime with her.
And you need a social life too! Plan outings with friends or dates, and maybe join a grief support group, since aren't getting that from your mom.
Instead of thinking of the year as one for helping closely and just hoping that she becomes a little more self-reliant, think of the time going forward as time for you each to develop your lives without your dad. Otherwise she'll become more and more dependent and less appreciative, and you'll become more resentful and frustrated. It's all easier said than done, but as you said, you're only in your 40s and do not need to close your life off.
I'm sorry about the loss of your dad. Stay in touch here and let us know how you're doing.