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When all your efforts as a provider of care for an elderly parent are undermined and you just can’t keep up the insanity any longer I have no idea how she will manage but she seems to be doing a great job figuring things out she has cognitive impairment and I have DPOA but she just treats me as her servant, she drives her vehicle, only to the food store, because she says I don’t pay attention so I don’t know where anything else is! spends money on a credit card, or applies for another she is on a fixed income and I try very hard to help her budget but it’s become impossible how or who do I have take over or help her when I no longer am willing to live with her unwillingness to have me help her? There is so much more to this situation but bottom line is I’m looking for help and suggestions on how to remove myself from such a toxic insane situation but I still want my mom to have someone help her, it just can’t be me the latest is her getting a new phone and number and not sharing it with me, so if I need to get in touch I will have to go to her home it has just gotten out of control! Thanks

Yes, I would resign and leave her to her own resources. When you are truly worried call APS. If their assessment tells you that she needs to be evaluated let them know she is uncooperative with you and you resigned as her POA. Let them know that if they assess her as unsafe and in need of evaluation they will need to take control of things for her.

I did POA and Trustee for my brother, an organized and so cooperative individual; it is very difficult, and it's my feeling that this work cannot conceivably be done with someone uncooperative.

I would simply give her the letter of resignation and suggest she hire help as needed.

You mention several times you cannot manage for her and several times more that you don't want to leave her alone in this. Just to tell you that those two things will NEVER meld into something manageable.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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And you don’t have any concern that as an impaired driver she could kill people with her car? And be charged with vehicular homicide? GET HER OFF THE ROAD!
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Reply to Fawnby
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I second you removing yourself as moms POA and instead call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by herself and who can't take care of herself properly and is getting herself in financial difficulty.
And let them know that she's still driving and shouldn't be as she could very well kill some innocent person because of her broken brain and not react as she should. She could lose every last penny that she has by being sued if she were to get in an accident and it was found out that she has dementia and no one stopped her. I don't care if it's just to the grocery store. Those innocent people on the road around that store and perhaps even on the sidewalks or parking lot deserve better and to be kept safe from a person with dementia who shouldn't be behind the wheel of any vehicle.
So call APS now, and let the chips fall where they may.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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MargaretMcKen Dec 16, 2025
Resigning as POA is irresponsible. The POA was written for just this purpose, ie for when M can’t cope on her own. If OP wants to resign, get the situation under control FIRST. OP can still call APS immediately.
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For context more info would be helpful:

How old is your Mom?

Does she have a history of a personality disorder or mental illness?

Where does she live: in a home that she owns, or elsewhere?

You are her DPoA which means you have the ability to manage her finances and make decisions on her behalf. You can take your paperwork to her bank so that you can control her money. You can work with her cc company to cancel her cards or freeze her credit so she can't apply for more cards or loans. You can contact her phone provider to possibly cancel her contract. You can give her pre-paid Visa cards so that when it runs down the balance she can't over spend.

It will be a lot of work for now but the end game is to figure out what type of care she needs and will accept since she's not cooperative AND still drives. Therefore I would work on getting her finances under control so she doesn't rack up huge amounts of debt.
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Beethoven13 Dec 16, 2025
A lot of work for sure. I’m living it. My father had everything in order as much he could. He had a stroke at age 92 and died at age 94. I lived in Arizona they in Texas for over 30 years. I swooped in to assume care as I am PoA for her now, he died last year. It has gutted me emotionally and physically. I am fortunate to have their money to pay for caregivers. My life was turned upside down when I chose to come home and help. I have no siblings. Mother is 92. My family, cousins, are of very limited support. If I could give advice, I would say, stay away. People told me this but I didn’t listen. Manage from a distance and make the hard decisions for placement and caregiving. Being on scene only ropes you in to the problems but doesn’t change the situation or options.
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You “still want my mom to have someone help her”, but she is “unwilling to have me help her” and the situation “has just gotten out of control”. She is an unsafe driver and is not managing her finances. Forget about “someone to help her” because she isn’t going to agree with someone else, and more than she goes along with you.

If you really mean that it’s a “toxic insane situation” and you “can’t keep up the insanity any longer”, you need to get out the DPOA, find out exactly what powers it gives you, and USE THEM. Legal advice will make you feel more confident about what you can do.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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This comes to either stepping up completely as POA and forcing what’s in mom’s best interests or resigning and walking away entirely. One means working on tasks despite an uncooperative, unreasonable elder who’s lost the ability to make sound decisions, exactly what POA is designed for, while the other means reporting her situation to Adult Protective Services and walking away entirely. In either scenario the moral, ethical thing to do is remove the car as you wouldn’t want to live with the possible horrific consequences of not doing so
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I wondered whether to continue after being labelled ‘insensitive and judgemental’, or whether to go for a new discussion about POAs, which might be a good idea. So this is brief, to make it clearer what the POA is really about.

If an elder agrees to go along with suggestions, there is no need for anyone to have a POA. Everything can be done by agreement. The ‘Power’ in Power of Attorney is to do something about a future problem when there is no agreement.

Sometimes the ‘future problem’ is lack of ‘capacity’ (eg the elder/donor is unconscious). Sometimes it is because the elder won’t agree. In this case, the POA should be very sure of their ground. Caulling in APS as back-up, and getting family support, would be a very good idea. There is no expectation that the POA provides hands on ‘care’. The POA has the powers set out in the document, and can use them much quicker and cheaper than having it go to court to appoint a guardian. That is what they are supposed to do, and what they took on legally.
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MargaretMcKen Dec 18, 2025
I’ve received a private message that is worth summarizing, from a poster whose elder had a mental illness but could ‘not be declared incompetent or incapacitated’. In that case the POA could not be invoked. It makes it clear that a POA doesn’t solve all problems, that the wording matters, and also that mental illness makes everything many many times more difficult. Worth remembering!
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I think Ive been in your situation. When my father was still alive, I was his POA and it was a huge job plus my full time job and my family life. I moved from the west coast to Texas to help. Dad died in 2024 after 15 months on hospice. It was so difficult and I feel my family was of limited help. They had been through it with their parents, they just turned their back on me. Same with friends. That’s my perspective. I still have my 91 year old mother. I have managed my way through agency caregivers, private care, hospitals and SNF rehab and hospice. It’s so hard. I’m an only adult child and my cousins either would not or could not help. I suggest trying private caregivers that your mother will pay out of pocket to help her and You. It may only temporize your situation but it will give you time to get your bearings and see the options. Caregivers can be there overnight and manage medication and make breakfast and handle household tasks for the elder person. It still requires oversight from you and commitment of time and energy. You will handle payment. Consider trying paying for help with your parents money while you consider other options. It gives you time to plan and prepare.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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Sometimes, it takes us leaving them for them to be placed where they need to be. Step back. You are already done! She is only pretending to be independent because of YOU. She isn't and needs to be placed in FT care.
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Reply to Caregiveronce
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It's enough when you can do it no longer.
I think as DPOA, you have not really done the job required of you. You should be taking charge, so she can't drive a vehicle, so she can't spend money on a credit card without your approval.
This is not a good role for you to assume responsibility of. You can resign.
Honestly, I don't even know how you do that. You could ask an elder law attorney.

You can call APS (Adult Protective Services) and let them determine a course of action for your mother. Or, use your authority as POA to hire in-home help for your mother. Being POA does not mean you have to provide hands-on care. It means you are responsible for managing her money and her care. You could put her in a care home as DPOA.
Also as DPOA, you can stop mail coming to her house; take over all her bills and pay them; pay off and cancel all credit cards, take away the car keys and disable the car so she can't drive.
I would like to tell you that you could just do nothing and let her make bad decisions. But, you have a responsibility, and if it is too much for you, then you need to legally and officially resign and let go of her problems, which are not yours to resolve.
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