When all your efforts as a provider of care for an elderly parent are undermined and you just can’t keep up the insanity any longer I have no idea how she will manage but she seems to be doing a great job figuring things out she has cognitive impairment and I have DPOA but she just treats me as her servant, she drives her vehicle, only to the food store, because she says I don’t pay attention so I don’t know where anything else is! spends money on a credit card, or applies for another she is on a fixed income and I try very hard to help her budget but it’s become impossible how or who do I have take over or help her when I no longer am willing to live with her unwillingness to have me help her? There is so much more to this situation but bottom line is I’m looking for help and suggestions on how to remove myself from such a toxic insane situation but I still want my mom to have someone help her, it just can’t be me the latest is her getting a new phone and number and not sharing it with me, so if I need to get in touch I will have to go to her home it has just gotten out of control! Thanks
I did POA and Trustee for my brother, an organized and so cooperative individual; it is very difficult, and it's my feeling that this work cannot conceivably be done with someone uncooperative.
I would simply give her the letter of resignation and suggest she hire help as needed.
You mention several times you cannot manage for her and several times more that you don't want to leave her alone in this. Just to tell you that those two things will NEVER meld into something manageable.
And let them know that she's still driving and shouldn't be as she could very well kill some innocent person because of her broken brain and not react as she should. She could lose every last penny that she has by being sued if she were to get in an accident and it was found out that she has dementia and no one stopped her. I don't care if it's just to the grocery store. Those innocent people on the road around that store and perhaps even on the sidewalks or parking lot deserve better and to be kept safe from a person with dementia who shouldn't be behind the wheel of any vehicle.
So call APS now, and let the chips fall where they may.
How old is your Mom?
Does she have a history of a personality disorder or mental illness?
Where does she live: in a home that she owns, or elsewhere?
You are her DPoA which means you have the ability to manage her finances and make decisions on her behalf. You can take your paperwork to her bank so that you can control her money. You can work with her cc company to cancel her cards or freeze her credit so she can't apply for more cards or loans. You can contact her phone provider to possibly cancel her contract. You can give her pre-paid Visa cards so that when it runs down the balance she can't over spend.
It will be a lot of work for now but the end game is to figure out what type of care she needs and will accept since she's not cooperative AND still drives. Therefore I would work on getting her finances under control so she doesn't rack up huge amounts of debt.
If you really mean that it’s a “toxic insane situation” and you “can’t keep up the insanity any longer”, you need to get out the DPOA, find out exactly what powers it gives you, and USE THEM. Legal advice will make you feel more confident about what you can do.
If an elder agrees to go along with suggestions, there is no need for anyone to have a POA. Everything can be done by agreement. The ‘Power’ in Power of Attorney is to do something about a future problem when there is no agreement.
Sometimes the ‘future problem’ is lack of ‘capacity’ (eg the elder/donor is unconscious). Sometimes it is because the elder won’t agree. In this case, the POA should be very sure of their ground. Caulling in APS as back-up, and getting family support, would be a very good idea. There is no expectation that the POA provides hands on ‘care’. The POA has the powers set out in the document, and can use them much quicker and cheaper than having it go to court to appoint a guardian. That is what they are supposed to do, and what they took on legally.
I think as DPOA, you have not really done the job required of you. You should be taking charge, so she can't drive a vehicle, so she can't spend money on a credit card without your approval.
This is not a good role for you to assume responsibility of. You can resign.
Honestly, I don't even know how you do that. You could ask an elder law attorney.
You can call APS (Adult Protective Services) and let them determine a course of action for your mother. Or, use your authority as POA to hire in-home help for your mother. Being POA does not mean you have to provide hands-on care. It means you are responsible for managing her money and her care. You could put her in a care home as DPOA.
Also as DPOA, you can stop mail coming to her house; take over all her bills and pay them; pay off and cancel all credit cards, take away the car keys and disable the car so she can't drive.
I would like to tell you that you could just do nothing and let her make bad decisions. But, you have a responsibility, and if it is too much for you, then you need to legally and officially resign and let go of her problems, which are not yours to resolve.
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