Mom was not accepted back at assisted living, so I moved her to a nursing home down the street from me. -

Mom was not accepted back at assisted living, so I moved her to a nursing home down the street from me.


I still feel guilty for not taking her into my home, even though I am working with a two hour commute both ways, my daughter is autistic and in the process of transitioning to adult services, and my husband has had several operations. She has Parkinson's and auditory hallucinations, and can no longer walk even with a walker. One of the aides made a comment about me not having her home. I don't want to explain my whole life story all the time, but I don't know how I can justify this situation. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Does anyone know how to keep the guilt from overwhelming them and politely tell the aide at the nursing home that it is none of his business?

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Thank you all for your suggestions. I will definitely follow them. Everything has been hitting at once - daughter graduating out of the school system and trying to get her into services is the main one--but this has come at the same time I have had to move my mom into a nursing facility, something I had promised I would never do. There are times when mom is very lucid, like when others go to visit, and it gives me an idea that maybe I could handle her at home. But it seems that right after I have that thought, she goes right back to talking to non-existent people and snapping at people. Added to this is the fact that she has had a history of abuse of prescription drugs, and there was no way that she can stay by herself, even without the Parkinson's. She has just done her job well, I guess, by making me feel guilty about things I have no control over. Hugs to all of you for what you are going through.
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Butter, I so feel for you! Are you a trained caregiver? Are you in your 20s? Are there 2 others of you at home, sharing the burden of a bedbound patient? No? You need no justification.

My "snappy comeback" to folks who think i should be caring for my mom at home is " oh, but I want my mom to have professional care and medical supervision".

Whatever comment was made should certainly be reported to this person's supervisor. It was unprofessional, unnecessary and possibly agitating if heard by your mom.
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Nasmir -- so?
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buttersmom - guilt should be the result of doing something wrong - hurting someone on purpose. You are doing the best you can and as long as you can say that, there is no reason to feel guilt. I can say that I've never really felt guilty in my efforts to manage my mothers care. What I have felt is - feeling badly, sad and a lot of sorrow. But I've always done the best I can in looking after my mom. Please try to learn the difference between feeling badly and feeling guilty. I suspose to some it may seem a fine line but it has help me - realizing the difference between the two. Maybe it might help you, too.
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buttersmom1, we are all headed to Heck in a handbasket. A twenty year old aide thinks with her heart and not her head. Forgive her if you can, because she will join the dammed sooner than she thinks.
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"I'm sure you will do the best you can for your mother. That is what I am doing for mine." And then report her comment to her supervisor. It is certainly inappropriate.

Guilt is part of caregiving. Sorry. But please don't let it get in the way of doing what is best for your entire family, including you. Just push the guilt to the back of your mind and keep going.

You certainly don't owe anyone justification for your decisions! If it would make you feel better you might consider explaining briefly your situation to the director of nursing or the social worker, so they know what to expect in terms of visits from you, participation in care conferences, etc. Don't be at all apologetic if you take this route. You have nothing to apologize for.
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