Help!

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I can no longer reach out to anyone because my family and my husband's family want nothing to do with my mother and sister as they watch them hurt me more and more. I love my mother and sister and have done things I regret but they were in the past and I have tried over and over to make up for my mistakes. I have said I am sorry so many times and have been living on their continually punishment for years now. It seems I can not do anything right and my mother and sister have now become a pact trying to twist everything I say to the point that they are calling me a liar and telling my husband they need to talk to him about my lies. My mother forgets what she has said and than hears what she wants to hear and immediately calls my sister and than my sister accuses me of lying when in reality it is my mother that is not giving the correct information. Presently it has gotten so bad that they are now yelling at me about things I never even realized they were angry about. My parents were immigrants and as a teenager, my life at home was bitterness, being disciplined by being hit often, etc. I would take on challenging jobs supervising teenagers during the summer for 6 weeks and than went away to college. I did this to get away from the strictness, beatings, screaming and yelling. I loved my parents but the life they were leading was not the life I wanted to lead. My sister chose to stay at home and than get married. I am finding out now that they resent me for that and my sister throws in my face that she was the one doing the laundry , etc......Yet, I was always there for holidays, etc and when they needed me. My family never really knew how to communicate their feelings so that never happened and now years later as the anger starts coming out they are throwing everything at me. Things I don't even remember. I am starting to hate them and am starting to get incredibly depressed. I have tried to talk to both of them but my sister states it is not her problem and my mother states it is my problem and talk to my sister. Bother my mother and sister have accused my husband and I of things we have never done. My mother asked my husband to be the executor of her will and turned around and told my sister we handed her the papers and told her to make my husband the executor. Of course my sister believes my mother and this has caused much strife between my sister and I. I do not want to listen to the name calling, etc anymore and have indicated to my sister that if she wants to fix this I am all for it and have tried and tried but if she does not want to fix this than I wish her well. She continues with the negative emails. My mother has chosen to continue with her bitterness, etc. and continues to be mean to me and my family. My sister I can say goodbye to but my mother , I just don't know what to do. She and my sister feed off each other and want to live in the past. My mother has forgotten everything I and my family have done for her. When my sister's mother and father in law were alive they wanted nothing to do with me, my mother and my father and hence I picked up the pieces for many year while 40 minutes away. I was calling my mother every day and now I hardly call due to the verbal abuse. I just don't know what to do. They are now accusing me of keeping my kids away from them. Three years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have surgery and 6 weeks of radiation. My mother told my son I id not have cancer and was lying. To this day she still indicates I did not have cancer. She states "how could I if I was working, traveling with the family, etc......" My kids have a difficult time connecting with her though I continue reminding them it is their grandmother. My dad passed away about 20 years ago. I wait for your words of wisdom and thank you in advance

46 Comments

Some families are just plain toxic. Why not work on your immediate family and distance yourself from the past? If you don't you will be inflicting all those negative emotions on your children and continuing the cycle. Some folks will never be fixed. Put your efforts in a more positive direction.
Some people cannot forgive others and it makes them sick and bitter and vindictive. They become hurtful. They make life miserable for others. Yes the situation becomes toxic.

You need to separate in your mind what you can change and what you cannot. To achieve serenity. To do that will take some time and lots of effort. You do need help. There is a reason psychologists are called shrinks. They help shrink people's problems down to a size that they can handle and help find resolutions. Your doctor should be able to make a referral to a therapist who specializes in family relationships. Shrink the problems of this relationship so they will no longer tear you apart.

My prayers are with you.
I agree with both of the above.

It is often called "detaching with love." You need to do it.

You are all grown up and have your own husband, home and family. Love and care for them and pray once a day ONLY for your mother and sister.

Also, you need to start seeing a therapist. Not because you are crazy but because a therapist can really help make you feel better about yourself..

cheserasera, you have done all you could. You have apologized. They are now just torturing you. Drop it. Leave it. Take care of your own family.
Like you, I had a dysfunctional family, perhaps not as bad as your situation but nonetheless overwhelming. With the wisdom of age, all I can say are the following. We cannot chose our parents or siblings. We cannot change other people. We do not have to become our parents. My late mother had good and bad qualities. I have chosen to possess her good qualities but not the bad. Holding on to resentment or hatred for what others have done to us hurts us more than them. We have to let go of the past. We deserve a happy life. Blood is thicker than water so don't choke on it.
The comments above mine are spot on. You need a life for you, and happiness with your husband and children. You only get one life, and the same is true for the kids you raised. I would distance myself from this toxic group, with no malice, but a smile or a note that says you love them, but that you will not participate any longer in the hate, for that's what it is. Why in the world would you encourage your children to see them if your mother and sister cannot abide by common human decency? That's your question to them!

See a therapist to talk this out, as long as it takes, and go home and love your husband and children. You owe nothing further to your mother and sister. I wish you all the best, but get out of this before it kills you...and don't take any guilt with you.
I knew two sisters who became bitter enemies.

Sistee #1 spent her entire life trying to somehow beat down the other sister. To prove that other sister was wrong to all who would listen. Lied about her...cheated her out of her rightful inheritance...bitter jealousy that ate at her until she became too senile to remember she HAD a sister.

Sister #2 went to counseling and came to terms that her sister was toxic to her and that she had become addicted to the drama as they each tried to one-up the other. She elected to completely disengage with her sister and that toxic relationship and concentrate on the blessings that abounded in her immediate family.

Which sister are you?
Wow, MaggieMarshall, that is a powerful story.
Thank you soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much to all of the above. I am going to print out the comments and keep with me each and every day and look at and be reminded. Please keep the wisdom coming. You are my therapists!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Distance yourself from them. You have your family. Your allegiance is to them.
Having them exposed to your toxic past is not in their best interest.
Protect your kids from them. Make it clear to Mom and sis if they want to see your kids that you will not tolerate any of the abusive tactics they have always engaged in.
When visiting, if they start - get up - take your kids and leave. A simple "It's time to go" will suffice. Repeat as necessary.
If they don't change - you have done your best and it's time to make your own life without them.
Family are the ones who love each other, have each others back, and do their best to make each other happy.
Just because you have same blood lines - doesn't always make a family.
I have been caring for my husband for a week now and one day he's good and the next worse. It's the holiday weekend and I can't get help. What can I do? He can't walk at all.

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