The Power of Emotional Blackmailers.

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What is it? its origin? Its effects? How it's defeated by some? Why it's victorious over others?
Many of the lives of caregivers that I have read are struggling with the power of an emotional blackmailer in their life. I think it is a big enough topic to warrant a discussion on it using the questions above.

The following is how I basically see this issue and my hope for all of us who struggle with it.

Emotional blackmailers are powerful for the F.O.G. is strong with them. F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is the path to the darkside of manipulation. May you find freedom, be free, and stay fee from the power of the F.O.G.

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im going. I feel I do not belong here anymore. I was persuaded to come back after I said it last time but this time its not going to happen. I will sort out my issues by myself.
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Oh my mother doesn't like an thing about me my hair is too grey why don't I colour it Im too fat, my hair is too long, my hands are too cold, my glasses are the wrong colour, why don't I wear makeup ....anything to make you look a bit nicer (gee thanks for that boost!)

She doesn't like the perfume I wear, hates the colour of the car, hates the car, doesn't want visitors yet hates me for driving them away (which I might add I haven't) Doesn't like anything I cook but the tinned pea and ham soup was ok (at least it will be till she finds out I made it)

It's a personal thing and once they focus no it, it can seem relentless but hey its not them its the dementia (at least that's what I have to keep telling myself however difficult that is at times)
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Poster, seriously? - you are not to enter her presence until your hairstyle conforms to her idea of aesthetically pleasing?

Um. I appreciate that you've already explained that your mother's dementia is not that bad. But the thing about dementia symptoms is that quite often they're not exactly bad, they're just *bizarre.* And this particular bugbear of hers sounds pretty dam' bizarre to me!

Have you, could you, would you consider waltzing in there (with your hair how you personally happen to like it) and saying "look Mum! - had my hair done like you said! :D" - and just seeing if she says "that's MUCH better..!" I reckon it might be worth a shot, you know.

And even if that doesn't work, and she gives you the eye basilisk and says the equivalent of how very dare you, you can always look repentant and say you must have misunderstood - now let's have a nice cup of tea...
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poster, Unfortunately, you are not going to be able to please your mother. If you somehow were able to achieve a hairstyle that she liked, she then would move on to something else. I know that you want your mom to love you and approve of you, but sometimes, with some people, that's just not possible. I would suggest that you make no attempt to visit her for awhile, except in case of emergency. Just call her every couple of weeks and if she's not civil to you say something like, "I think we're about to get into an argument. I'll call back when we're both in a better mood." (I have had similar problems with my mom for decades.)
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What is it with hair? my mom has started in on me - I haven't changed my hairstyle in years - no time - a short bob and blonde highlights. Now every time I see her, she says she preferred my hair shorter and blonder like I wore it 3 years ago. Hello? it is the same. And she will harp and harp during my visit. I've told her I don't want to hear about hair - yet every call every visit - she brings it up "you would look so much better...." so I end the call or the visit. When it isn't hair - it is something else she is on my about. Poster - you are going to have to just say "I like it this way, we are not going to talk about this anymore" and leave if she continues. You are grown up - why worry about it? Sounds like your mom just needs something to b3tch about. Like mine. Don't take it. don't be rude, but be firm and don't take it. Why should you?
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Are you playing with us, poster? Why would you be concerned if your mother was pleased with your hair or not? You are a grown woman.
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ok well if you read through my earlier posts on this topic you will see what it is all about. I called my mother back and she said she wanted to speak to me to verify that there was no misunderstanding in what she said before and that was that she did not want me to visit her unless and untl I get my hair cut in a style she likes. I said I understand that fully and we left it at that. I did however ask her what she wanted in terms of my hair and she said looking better and shorter like she sees on other women on television. The problem is I could go to the hairdresser and have my hair 'styled' differently and like it and there is no guarantee that my mother would like it too and then I would go and visit her with a new style and she would once again look at me and say it is not acceptable and then we are back to square one. I have got a new hairdresser with a friend recommended to me which is much cheaper than where I have been going and this hairdresser said my hair was fine except that she could shap the layers a bit more but overall keep it the way it is now. Basically my mother has no idea what kind of style she would like to see me in so it would be up to me to decide and I have decided on my current style and nobody has said it looks awful except my mother so I am not going to change it to a style that she thinks is suitable just to please her and then not like it myself. I am the one wearing the hair so I have to be happy with it. The other things my mother said to me before which were terrible, I am not sure if she has forgotten about that but on the phone this morning she was quite pleasant and did not shout at me or call me names like before so it was not a horrible phone call with her telling me off and telling me I am an unattractive person. All it was, was to remind me of what she wants in case I misunderstood and came to see her again with no new hairstyle and embarrass her again. I know the score and do not need her to tell me again what the score is. She told me she did not like me as I was and I was not to see her again and I fully understood that and have not contacted her since. I do not know why she felt she had to ring me to double check that I understood wht she wanted.
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My mother is in a care home and has been in a home for a few years now
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Poster, try to have others care for her: home companion once a week: someone who visits and can do a few things. My Mom, age 94 has two people every week. I used to be under what you are: not now. I call her once a day, or less, just to ask her how she is, let her talk and then I tell her I have to go now. Local resources can help you help her from a safe distance!
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Hello I have an update. I had a call from my mother. I did not pick up the phone because it was not connected so I had no idea she tried to call me tonight. Obviously I will return the call tomorrow to see why she called but am aware of what happened before and am curious to know how she will be this time. Thanks to this forum I know that it will not stress me out anymore if she carries on as before. I have not had any contact from her for two and a half weeks and it has been a blessing not to endure the verbal abuse and the negativity she put in my head about myself. That negativity has gone and I no longer believe it and have had a glorious two and a half weeks with people who treat me with the respect I deserve. I do not want or need emotional blackmailers in my life no matter who they are.
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