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Mom can live with a daughter and grand-daughter; the daughter is home all the time and wants to be her care giver. Mom in 91

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Does someone have POA? Does someone have guardianship? Is mother still enough in her "right mind" to be able to make reasonable decisions? What does her doctor say about care needs? Does she have infirmities in addition to dementia -- for example, mobility issues, vision problems, respiratory conditions, etc. How old is the granddaughter in the household that wants to care for her?

More information would be helpful.

In our family, as my mother developed dementia, the first thing we did was take steps to keep her in her apartment as long as we could. Meals on wheel, a housecleaner, a person to do her laundry, a visiting nurse, frequent visits from us, etc. When that was no longer enough, we planned to place her in assisted living, and found a facility. At the last minute one daughter said, "I'd like to have Mom come live with us." The rest of us said, "Hooray! OMG that would be so wonderful! Thank you!" And we all helped as best we could providing some respite.

And then, after 14 months, that daughter said, "I am devastated to have to say this, but Mom's health is now beyond what we can handle here." And the rest of us pulled out all stops to find a care home. By the end of that month Mom was in a nursing home, a few blocks from one of her daughters. We each visit Mom at least once a week. She is content where she is. She definitely needs 3 shifts of caregivers around the clock.

In other words, in our family, one daughter was able to care for Mom in her home as long as she was in the "assisted living" level of care need. When she reached the "skilled nursing home" level, that is what we arranged.

I suggest that you and your siblings sit down together (with a speaker phone if you aren't able to meet in the same place) and discuss the big picture. Not just what Mom needs now, but what she is very likely to need down the road. Dementia gets worse. It is what it does, no matter who is doing the caring or where the patient is, the needs increase. Try to come up with a long-term plan. If one daughter is going to take her in, it should be definitely be viewed by all as temporary. Maybe for 6 months, maybe for a year, maybe for three years. But very likely not for the rest om Mom's life.

What happens if the four of you can't agree? Well, then we are back to the legal questions. Does anyone have authority for making decisions on Mom's behalf? If not, I guess the daughter who wants to can invite Mom to live with her and Mom can say yes or no.

I truly, sincerely, fervently hope that you can all agree to try to work together in Mom's best interests, and even if you don't all agree, you do not let this come between you. It is awesome to work together as a family. I see how incredibly lucky I am when I see posting about dreadful family conflicts. It is worth working hard to be "lucky" in this way.
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nrude, I noticed on your profile you wrote that your Mother has Alzheimer's/Dementia. Will your sister and her daughter be able to do the work of 3 full-time caregivers? This disease doesn't get better, only much worse.

Have the sister who wants to be the Caregiver read up on Alzheimer's/Dementia. You can print off a lot of material here on this website.... go to the blue bar near the top of the page and click on SENIOR LIVING... now click on ALZHEIMER'S CARE... scroll down to all the articles.
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Does one of you have Guardianship? If not, mom can do as she pleases.
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