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I can no longer reach out to anyone because my family and my husband's family want nothing to do with my mother and sister as they watch them hurt me more and more. I love my mother and sister and have done things I regret but they were in the past and I have tried over and over to make up for my mistakes. I have said I am sorry so many times and have been living on their continually punishment for years now. It seems I can not do anything right and my mother and sister have now become a pact trying to twist everything I say to the point that they are calling me a liar and telling my husband they need to talk to him about my lies. My mother forgets what she has said and than hears what she wants to hear and immediately calls my sister and than my sister accuses me of lying when in reality it is my mother that is not giving the correct information. Presently it has gotten so bad that they are now yelling at me about things I never even realized they were angry about. My parents were immigrants and as a teenager, my life at home was bitterness, being disciplined by being hit often, etc. I would take on challenging jobs supervising teenagers during the summer for 6 weeks and than went away to college. I did this to get away from the strictness, beatings, screaming and yelling. I loved my parents but the life they were leading was not the life I wanted to lead. My sister chose to stay at home and than get married. I am finding out now that they resent me for that and my sister throws in my face that she was the one doing the laundry , etc......Yet, I was always there for holidays, etc and when they needed me. My family never really knew how to communicate their feelings so that never happened and now years later as the anger starts coming out they are throwing everything at me. Things I don't even remember. I am starting to hate them and am starting to get incredibly depressed. I have tried to talk to both of them but my sister states it is not her problem and my mother states it is my problem and talk to my sister. Bother my mother and sister have accused my husband and I of things we have never done. My mother asked my husband to be the executor of her will and turned around and told my sister we handed her the papers and told her to make my husband the executor. Of course my sister believes my mother and this has caused much strife between my sister and I. I do not want to listen to the name calling, etc anymore and have indicated to my sister that if she wants to fix this I am all for it and have tried and tried but if she does not want to fix this than I wish her well. She continues with the negative emails. My mother has chosen to continue with her bitterness, etc. and continues to be mean to me and my family. My sister I can say goodbye to but my mother , I just don't know what to do. She and my sister feed off each other and want to live in the past. My mother has forgotten everything I and my family have done for her. When my sister's mother and father in law were alive they wanted nothing to do with me, my mother and my father and hence I picked up the pieces for many year while 40 minutes away. I was calling my mother every day and now I hardly call due to the verbal abuse. I just don't know what to do. They are now accusing me of keeping my kids away from them. Three years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have surgery and 6 weeks of radiation. My mother told my son I id not have cancer and was lying. To this day she still indicates I did not have cancer. She states "how could I if I was working, traveling with the family, etc......" My kids have a difficult time connecting with her though I continue reminding them it is their grandmother. My dad passed away about 20 years ago. I wait for your words of wisdom and thank you in advance

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omg thank you soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. It helps more than you know and i save these comments to go back too when I am starting to feel the pain. Again , thank you !!!!
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cheserasera24 - we understand, as sadly, many of us are in the same boat. So let'a grab an oar and hop on in. i finally figured out that my sisters' barbs and extreme, mean-spirited negativity was _on purpose_! The only way to get away from the pain, or feeding the angst, is to forgive. They are very happy in their isolated worlds, rumormongering and delighting in inventing or conjuring up lies or bending truths to suit their purpose. Care to "get even?" Be as nice and STRONG as you can - whether it's over the phone or in person. Weep, or acknowledge the slurs and barbs in quietude - don't let then see nor know that they've hurt you. They will know that it works -- that their behavior is causing you pain. Ask your husband to not have direct conversations with them, unless you are on the phone at the same time. How messy and inconsiderate they are, to try to pit him against you! They have no business trying to mess around with your marriage, nor your husband's time/emotions. If/when they call, all he needs to do is say "let me get 'cheserasera' on the line .. just a minute please - and have him call you to be on the extension or "on speakerpone" if it's a cell phone - have a "conference call." You and your husband need to be a united front in the face of this malice. Be as kind as you can, even though you'd rather throw something [other than words]. But please don;'t let them goad you into anger, ok? Cry or pray in the quiet of your home. If you find yourself around them, be as nice as you can - even humming quietly to yourself. Don't surrender your self esteem. Believe in yourself. i am very sorry this is happening ... Sallisburys comment is awfully cute -- you DO have a wonderful family of your own ... enjoy sharing time with them. If you wish, you can mail your Mom a card [cute, funny or 'thinking of you' variety - not the sentimental/sappy type. They need to know [by your positive happy persona and/or actions] that their attempts to sabbotage you are not going to work. And please -- you have apologized enough. We ALL have made mistakes, and sadly not everyone is kind-hearted enough to accept apologies: you have tried - the rest is up to them, and for some reason, there are people who like to carrey grudges. It's a damaging, mean, and a self-defeating activity, imho. Blessings and strength ~~ have a pocketful of hope and faith - they are so very valuable! Cyber hugs ~
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Is this a family you really want to be a part of? People who bring up past hurts that are decades old and have never been important enough to discuss before.... are just plain abusive.
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Just to let u know it took me years to get to this point. I was the goody two shoes that went along with everyone. I was the good daughter. Alway there when parents needed me. Went out of my way for people. I didn't and don't expect anything in return but the few times I have asked, there's a reason they can't. Give you an example. I have a GF who flys home 2x a year since her kids r grown. Since no one in the family will drive to the airport, we do it for her. Now this may sound picky but I asked her to show me a crochet stitch she had been doing. Since I crochet, would have only taken not 5 min. She said she was too tired. This is only one out of a few things. Yes, I get upset but I needed to let it go. This last visit was nice I think because I didn't expect anything. Just enjoyed the time we were together.
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JoAnn29,

Thanks for that.

I agree. Do what you can and then move on to the people who appreciate you.
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Such a shame family is like this. If this is an on going thing then I agree, step back. If not, then maybe I would ask why she said what she did. If u can't do it maybe one of ur kids can. My daughter is more upfront than I am. Have one call and explain to her grandmother that they didn't call her because of how they treated you not because you told them not to. Explain that they r adults and make their own decisions. And, as long as she keeps treating you the way she and her sister treat you, they will not be hearing from them. If they care, make get thru to them, if not, that is their choice. I have two guest rooms I think nicely done. My brother chooses to stay at my Moms house which is literally falling apart. My SIL asked him what he is going to do once the house sells, never come home again. He said maybe. He lived seven hours away. For me, not too bad after driving 16Hrs for two days. My other brother is doing his own thing so haven't heard from him. I love them both but I'm not going out of my way anymore. They know where I live. Once I've done what I can or Mom, that will be it. Family and friends who care.
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BTW, you are not an orphan!! You have your own wonderful family. Pull up your big girl pants and get out there and have some fun!
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Cheserasera,

I am having the same problem with my daughter. She controls me because I love her and my grandchildren so much.

Just this past week she completely ignored all of my calls and texts. She knew that I wanted to see my grandchildren. So, I stopped. I let it go. And I immediately felt much, much better. There is loss and pain BUT letting go gives you self-respect and freedom. At t his stage of the game, I want self-respect and freedom.

When I was a kid I read a story, presumably true: in India they have a monkey trap, a gourd with a tiny hole attached to a chain. the monkey can slide his hand in and grab a fist full of rice but cannot get his balled-up fist out. So, unless he is willing to give up the rice, he is trapped.

There you have it. Let go or be trapped.

I have said it before: you are all grown up with a husband, home and children of your own. Focus on them, love them, let go, and get over it.
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You are not a terrible person and you are not keeping your children from them! Your children are adults and responsible for their own choices. Your mother and sister are also adults responsible for their choices.

These are the games narcissists play. They behave badly then blame others for what happens.

Personally I would not call her. I think it sends her the message that her behaviour is OK, which it isn't. Why not enjoy the break from the dysfunction?They need you more than you need them. They will not let you get away that easily. I expect one of them will contact you eventually, then you can respond on your terms not theirs and set some boundaries. Whatever you did in the past is in the past and is not the cause of your mother and sister's behaviour. They will never be the family you want and need. Lean on those who love and value you. Learn to detach from them and their hurtfulness. (((((((hugs)))))))
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Just venting! Asked my mother to go out for her birthday and she said she wanted nothing to do with me. Broke my heart and my children , 21 and 25 saw the hurt I felt and refused to call my mother to connect and my mother and sister are accusing me of being a terrible person for keeping my children from them...... It has been over a month since I connected with my mother and I just don't know what to do. Do I call her? Or do I settle in as an orphan?Love hearing from all of you........
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