How do I deal with guilt?


Husband and I in our 50s. We rent from 87 yr old widowed mother. She lives alone with help from us. (Financialy with rent and other help like taking care of the property). She wants to stay in her home . we want to buy our own home but doubt she can remain in hers if we move. We are worried about our future. Any suggestions?

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Is this widow your mother? If so, then I would look into the possibility of being able to keep her house, if she needs to into a facility. I don't know her finances, but if Medicaid is a possibility, I would certainly see an Elder Law Attorney who knows Medicaid to see if you qualify. It seems I recall there being an exception for asset recovery if the Medicaid Recipient had adult child who lived in the home and it helped them not have to enter into nursing home for at least 2 years. Someone else here may know the details. I would check it out, before I lost that status.
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My advice is to talk to Mum about her early life when she made her first home. How she felt about it. The sadness at leaving her M & D but the excitement of building her own independent home/life.
Tell her that you are so glad that she has the home she has and that she's had the chance all these years to enjoy it. You really wish that things could be different and she could stay forever but sadly that's not going to work out.
You & husband need to/want to have that joy she had building a home & you want to do it while you have the health to do it.
Remind Mum that you love her and will visit wherever she is.
Tell her that this is a new venture/adventure for the 3 of you as you look for and find your own new niches that will in time be "home sweet home."
Involve her as much as possible not just in finding her new home, but giving some input into yours. Even if you don't take up her suggestions let her feel apart of this as your a part of her new home.
When your all where you need to be, enjoy.
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You need to do what is right for you. There may have been a time when your situation was beneficial to all concerned but if you and your husband feel that you need to make some changes now is the time to do it.
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No guilt allowed for having a life! Especially at your age. Do what you have to do to have your own home. Mom will need in home care or assited living but you know that and also know how hard the transition will be. Hopefully she'll cooperate, most elders don't.
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