I am done with caregiving - I want out - told mom I hate her and wish she were dead - Worst of all I meant it.

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Mom has dementia. I have been her care giver for years now. I have given up everything. I have nothing. I live in her house that is on a reverse mortgage so when she goes so does it. I have nothing in any savings to even move out. My SSI will not be enough to make it on my own. I have finally asked two things of her - Take you pills (and on time) and Take a shower. She stinks so bad I gage if I get near her. She has now broken the forth microwave. I have given all my money into keeping her and her house and he things in clean working order. It stated raining today so a tent is not going to be easy. I need to get out of here. I really mean it when I say I hate her. She yells at me and tells me she does things that she has not done. You have all been there to some degree but I want a life. I am 63 and damaged from cancer and have little of my own. I have little time to have a life. Everyone in this family seems to think I can take care of it all. I am done............................She won't take a shower - if she doesn't take her yellow pill she will hit people - this is NOT my mom and I can't stand this person that her brain has made

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This thread is five years old. Hopefully the poster sorted things out.
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Ps- a dimentia patient has zero concept of time and should not be expected to know what on-time is. Dimentia patients have no concept of anything. I put moms showers days on a calendar and would tell her "its been 5 days". 5 days?? Yes, mom, 5 days. She then agrees. You are dealing with a child in an adult body. I truly am feeling you. And like i said- please consider medication changes- and you will have to insure she takes it- even if you put in food.
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Is she on any medication? My mother was mean and hateful. I told her doctor. He put her on the lowest dose of Respiradol and an amazing transformation happened- shes a doll. My situation may be different- but if you havent considered telling her doctor whats going on, please do. I used to dread interactions with her- now when she passes i will have beautiful memories.
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I certainly can understand all of the frustrations and comments. I was accused of elder abuse by my X wife, I immediately called her doctor and DHHS in the state of NH . I was humiliated by having them come check and see if there was abuse which there was none and proven. I now am trying to place her, I have been crying out for help from my family and the state to no avail.
I'm at my wits end here , PLEASE HELP, what can I do , I am trapped
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many years ago a new mother who lived near us brought her crying baby to our house to see if my ex could calm the kid down . of course she could . my ex was a natural with a baby . i always admired that young mother for seeking help .
dementia care is exasperating as hell but you have to stop short of blaming the patient .
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When it comes to reverse mortgages, after the owner passes, the heir(s) normally only has 30 days to declare if they plan to refinance the house or place the house for sale.

You will need to hire a certified Appraiser to come in to appraise the value of the house. Then if one plans to sell, said house has to be actively marketed with a Realtor, at or below appraised value, the mortgage company may give you 6 months to sell or 1 year to sell [depends on their rules], otherwise the house goes into foreclosure.

My boss decided not to refinance but to sell. His house sold in one week, so he is now scrambling to find a new much smaller place to live..... and to move, sell, donate, or toss 30 years of stuff that he and his late wife had accumulated. He has only 30 days to do all this.
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Hang in there, Chris! I'm glad this forum helps you.

Have you considered seeing a therapist?
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"Iwantalife" you too can pick up the phone and call your local council on aging for assistance. You are being used and abused and should seek shelter at a woman's center. They are also in the phone book.
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I have all these feelings and it is a crying shame the system is set up to where getting the needed help requires such stringent measures that many are just not taken care of properly by people trained to do it. I have no more patience and my nerves are cracking too. I feel for you and understand. sometimes just having this group to cry out to helps.
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You are breaking my heart! You have done so much and been though so much, I have to say it is your time to think of you. Mom is not mom anymore. And you have done everything you could possibly do. So now is the time to say you can't do anymore. A home would be the best place for her. And you need to get the much needed care that you need. Please don't feel bad about any of this. You did what you could and god bless you for trying. You need to start thinking of you now, because you know nobody else will. I take care of my husbands 98 yr old grandmother because no one else cares. But when the time comes that I can no longer help her I know a nursing home will be the best place for her to be. I promised her that she wouldn't go there but there comes a time when your own health has to come first. Please start taking care of you and put her where they can take care of her. You are in my prayers
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