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Mom has dementia. I have been her care giver for years now. I have given up everything. I have nothing. I live in her house that is on a reverse mortgage so when she goes so does it. I have nothing in any savings to even move out. My SSI will not be enough to make it on my own. I have finally asked two things of her - Take you pills (and on time) and Take a shower. She stinks so bad I gage if I get near her. She has now broken the forth microwave. I have given all my money into keeping her and her house and he things in clean working order. It stated raining today so a tent is not going to be easy. I need to get out of here. I really mean it when I say I hate her. She yells at me and tells me she does things that she has not done. You have all been there to some degree but I want a life. I am 63 and damaged from cancer and have little of my own. I have little time to have a life. Everyone in this family seems to think I can take care of it all. I am done............................She won't take a shower - if she doesn't take her yellow pill she will hit people - this is NOT my mom and I can't stand this person that her brain has made

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This thread is five years old. Hopefully the poster sorted things out.
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Ps- a dimentia patient has zero concept of time and should not be expected to know what on-time is. Dimentia patients have no concept of anything. I put moms showers days on a calendar and would tell her "its been 5 days". 5 days?? Yes, mom, 5 days. She then agrees. You are dealing with a child in an adult body. I truly am feeling you. And like i said- please consider medication changes- and you will have to insure she takes it- even if you put in food.
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Is she on any medication? My mother was mean and hateful. I told her doctor. He put her on the lowest dose of Respiradol and an amazing transformation happened- shes a doll. My situation may be different- but if you havent considered telling her doctor whats going on, please do. I used to dread interactions with her- now when she passes i will have beautiful memories.
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I certainly can understand all of the frustrations and comments. I was accused of elder abuse by my X wife, I immediately called her doctor and DHHS in the state of NH . I was humiliated by having them come check and see if there was abuse which there was none and proven. I now am trying to place her, I have been crying out for help from my family and the state to no avail.
I'm at my wits end here , PLEASE HELP, what can I do , I am trapped
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many years ago a new mother who lived near us brought her crying baby to our house to see if my ex could calm the kid down . of course she could . my ex was a natural with a baby . i always admired that young mother for seeking help .
dementia care is exasperating as hell but you have to stop short of blaming the patient .
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When it comes to reverse mortgages, after the owner passes, the heir(s) normally only has 30 days to declare if they plan to refinance the house or place the house for sale.

You will need to hire a certified Appraiser to come in to appraise the value of the house. Then if one plans to sell, said house has to be actively marketed with a Realtor, at or below appraised value, the mortgage company may give you 6 months to sell or 1 year to sell [depends on their rules], otherwise the house goes into foreclosure.

My boss decided not to refinance but to sell. His house sold in one week, so he is now scrambling to find a new much smaller place to live..... and to move, sell, donate, or toss 30 years of stuff that he and his late wife had accumulated. He has only 30 days to do all this.
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Hang in there, Chris! I'm glad this forum helps you.

Have you considered seeing a therapist?
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"Iwantalife" you too can pick up the phone and call your local council on aging for assistance. You are being used and abused and should seek shelter at a woman's center. They are also in the phone book.
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I have all these feelings and it is a crying shame the system is set up to where getting the needed help requires such stringent measures that many are just not taken care of properly by people trained to do it. I have no more patience and my nerves are cracking too. I feel for you and understand. sometimes just having this group to cry out to helps.
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You are breaking my heart! You have done so much and been though so much, I have to say it is your time to think of you. Mom is not mom anymore. And you have done everything you could possibly do. So now is the time to say you can't do anymore. A home would be the best place for her. And you need to get the much needed care that you need. Please don't feel bad about any of this. You did what you could and god bless you for trying. You need to start thinking of you now, because you know nobody else will. I take care of my husbands 98 yr old grandmother because no one else cares. But when the time comes that I can no longer help her I know a nursing home will be the best place for her to be. I promised her that she wouldn't go there but there comes a time when your own health has to come first. Please start taking care of you and put her where they can take care of her. You are in my prayers
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Echoing others' suggestions that you call council of aging for your mom and arrange to get out of there for yourself, with help from a counselor or social worker. A person with dementia is not able to remember to take her pill and often refuses to take a shower. I know it seems as if she is choosing behaviors, but I am convinced that in many or most cases the person is not choosing (I obviously don't know your mom, so I can't say what her case is) his or her behavior. You can choose to take care of yourself and to let others (family, authorities, whoever) know that other arrangements must be made. I'm sorry you are in this spot.
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I feel for you....I am TRAPPED, no where to go, lost every dime, and my family all past by age 29! This is my HUSBANDS family.

Mother in law , 12 years of care (NO HELP!)
NOW..For five yrs, father in law (who deserves to be on the street! A drunk, ex-con, my husband and his siblings EXPECT me to deal with their parents....and they have done a great job seeing that happens.

I live like a prisioner & pauper, can't leave my home (dont trust him, dimenshia or not, he still knows what he does, also COPD & Heart issues).

I know death is my only option, can only pray for my death....."Good luck, if you have money & can run girl....RUN" !

"I hope one other person can run, caregivers are abused too"....who the hell helps us??? Unless their babbling like a complete idiot, the State, Doctors, etc...Will not help!

Run, don't look back. Go live out your life if you can! Im too tired, can't run, no money, no place to go, and no help. My husband will be happy when he gets my life insurance...if he gets it, suicide does not always pay the life insurance? (He has a million dollar plan on me???) (Im only 43!)

I wanted a life, thought it would happen when "my last family member died, I was 29! Never happened, just watched my life & home turn into a freakin nursing facility with ONE nurse.....me.
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I feel the same way you do. It is so hard to care for someone that is just a shell of the person you once knew. I too am at the point where I have had enough. The only reason I have not done anything yet is because my Dad wants to be with her. Even though she is hatefull and mean, they have been married 64 years and he doesn't want to be without her. Call your Area Aging Office and talk with them maybe they can get you the help you need and answer any questions. Good Luck and keep coming back here, we do care cause we are all in the same boat.
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I am so sorry to hear your pain. Maybe it is time for you to place your mother in a nursing home. This way she will be well provided for and your can still over see her care, and have your life back. It is not selfish on your part to take this step. You tired to keep your mother home, but her needs are more then you can handle alone. You have to think of your own health as well. I am praying that the Lord will put you in the right direction in getting the right help for your mother and for yourself. God Bless you.
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I agree with all the advice I'm reading about getting others involved, like the dept. of aging or whoever, even if you have to force the issue by calling 911 when she gets abusive. Keep in mind that in a situation like this, if you don't approach the authorities first and something does happen, YOU might be found to be abusive or irresponsible to her, Social Services takes adult protective services seriously, as they should, but sometimes they cannot tell what is really going on and it is up to you to initiate some kind of official activity while things are at this point. And remember that it is ALWAYS OK to care for yourself first.
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I'm not even in the boat you are in and I wish that mum would go ahead and die either by another heart attack or one of her seizures, I don't care how. I just wish that she would go ahead and die.
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Please take the advice given above this is simply too much for you to handle and if you do not speak up you will go under-start with your dept. of aging and be firm that you can not stay in that situation any longer-let us hear from you we care about you and do understand.
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My mom also has dementia. I recently called my county department of aging and they are providing home care for when I'm at work and Adult Day Care. The home care aid can help with showers and meals and also some cleaning. They even pay for respite care. Do you have a department of aging in your county or state? I'm sure they could help you.
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Most communities have low-income rentals for seniors and you probably qualify for that. Call them NOW to inquire and get on their wait list. If your mom falls down call 911 and tell them you heard a "snap" like her hip broke. If she hits you call 911 and tell them she's assaulted you. They should be willing to haul her to the hospital for a mental health consult. Once she's there tell the social service staff, the nurses, the doctor - any and all of them - that she can't g0 home. Tell them you are moving out and that she must be committed to a nursing home. Tell them you WILL NOT be her medical power of attorney or legal guardian.

Then go home and start packing. Even though there is a reverse mortgage on the house, you'll have some time to vacate before it's put up for sale. Best of luck.
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I am so sorry for you and your Mom.
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call your local area agency on aging and see if they have a counselor who could come out and help you with the details of getting your mother into a nursing home and/or help getting a personal care assistant that could come 3 days a week or so to give your mother a shower. If she won't do it on her own, she needs someone to do it for her --you certainly don't want to end up with a scabies infestation. FYI: with a reverse mortgage you usually have 6months to 1 year to sell the home to repay the mortgage after the owner has either passed away or moves permanently out of the home, if you are lucky there will be some equity difference which would go to your mother or her estate.
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It is going to be a fight and I am desparately trying to get all of my stuff out of this house but I have been here for 20 years so it is not as easy as it sounds. I must do it before some state person or the bank or whatever comes in and tries to say it is hers. I feel so bad. I really do love my mom but this person and the blood sucking son of mine have me in a spot. If I could pay someone to be here watching her so I could get something done before she distroys something else it would be nice. She stinks so bad I can't even get near her to let the 'mom' person know that I care. I have to save what I have and still work around this brainless thing in my mom's body.
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I can hear you are at the end of your rope which is understandable given no help from the rest of your family and what you have had to put up with along with your own health and life challenges. Is there any way to get her into a nursing home? .
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